Desert Rose (short story)

[A_Ghost]

So there she stood with her sword edge across his neck. Rain poured down mixing with her blood. "How deep is that wound", thought Alice, "no it doesn't matter now just strike!" But her hands wouldn't move. Her mind was so full of thoughts, her eyes once lifeless, were now wide open showing all of her emotions."Why can't I just kill him?! He took away everyone I loved, all that I ever had, he deserves to die!" But still she couldn't move, she could only look into his eyes. Blue eyes that seemed to be made of ice showing no emotion, but at the same time calm like the deep blue ocean."How can you just stared at me showing no guilt no shame for your sins!", Alice screamed at the man. No response just the same icy stare. Lighting flashed the sound of blades clashing rang in the air. And then........
***
Chapter 1 Ordinary Alice
Alice woke up like any other day, following the same routine as always. Waking up before the sun rose over the mountain. Bathe in the kugo hot springs before anyone else got there. Return home before her grandfather woke up. Make breakfast for her and the elderly man. She even looked like any ordinary Newman. Small in stature, long ears pointing out of her long blue hair. The only thing that wasn't ordinary was her eyes. Eyes black as night, dark, showing no soul. As if her eyes had lost the will to live. Past 9 a.m. now and the old man still hasn't woken up."Why must grandfather be so lazy" sighed Alice. She walked into her grandfathers room setting the the food on the night stand, and went to wake Grandfather."Maybe I'll let him sleep a bit more" she said to herself. He was the man that had adopted her and taken care of her when she was young. "Keep sleeping old man I'll be back later" she whispered. But as she turned to leave she heard,"Show this old beast some more respect didn't I teach you better." "Have you been awake this whole time?" The old man just chuckled to himself and said" Be careful out there and don't forget the sword I gave you". "Yes grandfather" Alice said with a nod. The old sword never leaves her sight ever since he gave it to her four years ago but still everyday he always says the same thing."Guess todays just going to be an ordinary day" she said to herself. "But I wouldn't have it any other way".

[HUnewearl_Meira]

<_<

Short stories don't have chapters, dude. A short story is like a single chapter encompassing beginning, middle and end, usually ranging from 1,000 to 10,000 words.

I've a few critiques to make, if you're interested. Otherwise, you're off to a decent start.

[A_Ghost]

Ty for reading
this is my first attempt at anything like this so any critizism would be helpful

[A_Ghost]

Chapter 2 Swordplay
"Well that should be enough" she said after wiping her sword clean.The only thing she didn't like about hunting materials was going into town. It wasn't that she hated people, she tolerated them well enough. It was that they seemed to be afraid of her or to be more specific her eyes. Even as she was heading into the Yohmei shop people would avoid her. The merchant himself wouldnt look at her face as he was counting the materials."20 ray-photons, 5 cyral, a tengohg ala", he said nervously."I'll give you 500,000 for all of this". "I only need 10,000" she said making eye contact. The merchant just shut his eyes tightly as if to stop her from stealing his soul" Fine, here, just go!" "Sigh why did I even agree to take this job", she said as she was leaving. A voice behind her replied" He who does not work should not eat either". " I was wondering when you would show up Arturo, did you actually have work to do at the Guardian Branch", she replied in a sarcastic tone. "You know the only reason why I got you this job was so that you would join the Guardians , normal citizens aren't even allowed anywhere near seed-forms". But she just turned and started walking away. "You don't have to act like such a bitc-. Almost faster than Arturo could block Alice had struck at him with her blade. The blade so close to his face he could see how worn out it was, he could he even make out the faded letters AUW 197. "The Guardians didn't even help me when I lost my family why would I help them!" It was true Arturo thought back to that day 16 years ago. It was one of his early assignments as a Guardian, he was sent to investigate a supisious seed-form attack. But when he got there he only saw a little girl crying over her parents bodies. The case was was just log as another wild mob attack, the little girl sent to an orphanage. But Arturo thought the was more to it Looking in Alice's eyes he could see that the little girl he saved was no longer little eye just empty as if she cried all her emotions away. "You're still carrying that rusty old thing around?" She return it to its sheath"Its all I need". No photon weapons, no line shield not even a low grade nano tranformer "How could that old sword just be all she needs?" thought Arturo. "After all these years I still cant figure you out" No reply just a wave as she turned walking back home.

[HUnewearl_Meira]

On 2007-04-03 11:14, A_Ghost wrote:
Ty for reading
this is my first attempt at anything like this so any critizism would be helpful



I don't expect you to make these corrections, but do keep these things in mind when you write further additions.

All right, the first thing I'm seeing is a need for paragraphs. Paragraphs make the work easier to read by breaking up the text into subject-oriented blocks. Each paragraph should have a particular subject, and when discussion of that subject is finished, a new paragraph should be started.

A good example of this is dialog. You should never have two different characters speaking in the same paragraph. If that means a paragraph will only consist of, 'Uu-Bob said, "Stuff it in your hole!"', then so be it. There's nothing wrong with that. In that example, Uu-Bob is the subject of the paragraph, and the next speaker may be the subject of the next.

This makes it easier to understand who is talking, thereby cutting down on ambiguity.

Also, at the beginning of Chapter 1, you have a long string of sentences with no subject. I understand what you're trying to do here with the rhythm and such, but it's a stumbling block. You may consider, instead, providing the list like so:


On 2007-04-02 20:16, A_Ghost wrote:
Alice woke up like any other day, following the same routine as always. This routine went something like this: She'd wake up before the sun rose over the mountain, then bathe in the Kugo Hot Springs before anyone else gets there. When she felt she was clean, she would return home before her grandfather woke up and finally make breakfast for them both.


This pulls the reader through the sequence of events more naturally, and thus makes for an easier read.

I haven't looked through Chapter 2 yet, but I'll come back to it if I've got some time, tonight.



And also: Stickied.

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: HUnewearl_Meira on 2007-04-03 17:56 ]</font>

[A_Ghost]

Ty ill keep that in mind for the next parts
(yay stickied ^.^)