In need of help to help a friend. ^^;

[Seority]

Not to bore you and give you an essay of my life and how it is currently, but I'll mention these things to help you understand what's going on.

Nobody's perfect. I have been getting counciling from my friends to help with my immaturity with certain things, and they all have said that I have been improving, which I'm proud of. I hope to make them happy by improving myself.
Now I know that even people who currently have problems still wish to help their friends when their friends are in need. This is my problem.

Now one thing I'm trying to improve on is assuming the wrong things. To fix this problem, I'm trying to ask people things before I make judgments on certain things. The problem is, is that sometimes I still get a feeling that they aren't being fully honest.

I take the world, ever since I was little, "Treat others the way you wish to be treated". So with that stuck in my nature, I am an honest person and wish to be honest with all, unfortunetly I'm also very opinionated, as some of you know. :P

The current situation is that I'm concerned for one of my friends, who is has helped me a lot with my attitude, and still is.

Recently, I've been asking questions to people to help lower my confusion with certain situations, the thing is, is that I just have a bad way of doing it, and I'm not sure how fix it. I don't want to assume things of people, because I dislike it when people do it to me. When I ask people these questions, most of the time, they act as if I have offended them in some way, or that I'm being too nosey.

This may be true with both situations, but I don't want to just not know, you know?

My friend, whom I mentioned before, is acting differently then they used to. I've asked why, if it was me, if it was just me, and if they could please just talk to me. I got negitive rejections from each one. They say they are just fine and such, but I know that either they are not, or that I have thought differently of them for so long and did not know the real them.

I'm going to try to consolt to them whenever I can but it's really difficult. How can you help someone if they won't let you? I really do care for this person and wish to help, or at least know what's going on, but I know that I can't force them to do anything.
Should I just not care anymore? Am I really being nosey by asking them what's wrong? Am I being annoying by asking them if they could talk to me? I'm just so confused about all this. I just want to help, but I don't want to hurt them in the process.
Can anyone help me? ><;

Summary for those who wish to not read the wall: (Which I understand)
1) Currently being helped by friends, but still wish to help them.
2) Trying to do the right thing about a situation but not having it work out.
3) Trying to help a friend who is shutting me out.

Any help is greatly appriciated. I'm kinda slow with these things, so I appologize for not knowing how to handle these type of situations off the bat. ^^;

[Syl]

If you keep pressing yourself on them, even with good intentions, it can be taken as intrusive and as desperate, which seems to annoy most people. Just kind of let them breathe a bit, smothering them isn't going to help. Whether it works or not depends on the person :X

[Seority]

I understand that bothering the person to much is annoying, but if this person conciders you their good friend, should it really hurt them to just talk to you for a little bit?
It's kinda like seeing your friend looking down and just seems generally depressed. If they matter to you, you would ask them what's up and that you wanted to help them and that talking would help right? If they sit there and just say, "I'm fine...", yet still act the same way, would you really just leave them alone after that? I mean, if they did say "I don't want to talk right now", of course I'd understand and wait till later to talk, but if they don't even reply, what are you supposed to do?
Thanks for the reply btw ^^

[DreXxiN]

If you keep pressing yourself on them, even with good intentions, it can be taken as intrusive and as desperate, which seems to annoy most people. Just kind of let them breathe a bit, smothering them isn't going to help. Whether it works or not depends on the person :X

Pretty much what i said :)

[Syl]

Oooh, I probably read it a tad wrong <.<

Yeah, sometimes people kind of contradict themselves. They don't want people to help them but still want them to help them. "I'm fine" is a good lie I get from a good friend all the time, and she makes me worry because I know she isn't :/

If anything though, a little space (but still greeting them and stuff) probably is all they want while they try to fix whatever it is that's bothering them.

[Seority]

That's the thing though. I've given some space, yet this person continues to act differently and not want to tell me anything. Not sure what I should do.
As I said, I want to treat others the way I would like to be treated. I know that I too want my space at times, but if I am still upset with something, I'd still like to know that others are concerned. I don't want my friend to feel like I just forget them or their problems.
Thanks for understanding though.

[DreXxiN]

I think that she will question you if she begins to think you don't care, but leaving someone alone and still giving the greet and showing concern without having the nosy appeal is probably most effective here.

[Seority]

I think that friend of yours will question you if they begin to think you don't care, but leaving someone alone and still giving the greet and showing concern without having the nosy appeal is probably most effective here.

Please don't mention he/she/names here DreX. I want to keep that info private.
That's also another thing I'd like to point out.
This person does talk to others when they have issues with me, but never just to me. Heck, this person even stated they wonder why others did that to me, yet they do it themselves! I'm not sure what's stamped on my forhead that makes others think I'm just a mean person. ><;
I have to go to my friend everytime I hear something like this to make sure if it was true or not. Half the time, they were, which concerns me because now I know they are lying / not telling me everything or anything for that matter. It's hard to trust what someone says when they do things like this, but I still do trust my friend.
Friends are supposed to talk to each other. Whenever something is bugging one or the other, and above anything, if one is bothering the other. Right?

[DreXxiN]

Not telling someone how you feel about them to your face when it's personal = cowardice :)

Even if whatever you do does make someone feel uncomfortable to tell you how they feel, it's not really your fault that they hide it.

On a side note, why do I suck at constant fast strumming passages.

*Flips off Dragonforce DLC*

[Seority]

As much as I would love for something to not be my fault for once, everyone can't be wrong right? Even you say that the more people agree, the more it should be true, even though that's mostly opinion based. I do agree with you though. It's mostly their problem and not mine, but that fact that it's so re-occuring bugs me.

I really do hope that's true. If anything, I just wish I could let people know that I would like them to talk to me about it, but unfortunetly, as I believe we've talked about, I have to hear it through others before I even know of the problem they have with me. @_@'

[CelestialBlade]

Remember that part you mentioned about "assuming things too quickly"?

Maybe they're telling you that everything's fine and you're assuming they're wrong because of your initial hunch. And perhaps, when it comes to talking to you about issues that pertain to you, they're merely seeking the opinions of others on how to better remedy the situation. Perhaps it's all in your best interest.

I know you're making an attempt to ask questions such that you don't misjudge, but it doesn't help to go ahead and assume what the answer will be. There comes a point where you simply have to trust your friend's word, and know that if something really is wrong, they'll come to you about it. I'm also aware that you prefer to judge actions over words, and while that's all well and good, actions can just as easily be misjudged. Being silent, for example. That can mean many things--you're tired, you're upset, or you're just content. We're talking a possible discrepancy between a neutral feeling, a bad feeling, and a good feeling. And over the internet, you can't tell the difference. If you can't make a more accurate judgment than that, take your friend's word for it.

And please, lose the "I'm a bad person" attitude, that's not going to help anything. I don't think carrying that attitude around is going to make your friend very happy.

[DreXxiN]

I wanna ride a hippo.

Chelsea, get over here.

[CelestialBlade]

I wanna ride a hippo.

Chelsea, get over here.
Hippos kill people, y'know. Very territorial.

*relevance -1*

[Kylie]

Remember that part you mentioned about "assuming things too quickly"?

Maybe they're telling you that everything's fine and you're assuming they're wrong because of your initial hunch. And perhaps, when it comes to talking to you about issues that pertain to you, they're merely seeking the opinions of others on how to better remedy the situation. Perhaps it's all in your best interest.

I know you're making an attempt to ask questions such that you don't misjudge, but it doesn't help to go ahead and assume what the answer will be. There comes a point where you simply have to trust your friend's word, and know that if something really is wrong, they'll come to you about it. I'm also aware that you prefer to judge actions over words, and while that's all well and good, actions can just as easily be misjudged. Being silent, for example. That can mean many things--you're tired, you're upset, or you're just content. We're talking a possible discrepancy between a neutral feeling, a bad feeling, and a good feeling. And over the internet, you can't tell the difference. If you can't make a more accurate judgment than that, take your friend's word for it.

And please, lose the "I'm a bad person" attitude, that's not going to help anything. I don't think carrying that attitude around is going to make your friend very happy.
This. You have to keep an open mind when dealing with other people. You don't need to let them take you for a fool, God no, but being assumptive makes people not want to be around you. Because if you already have an idea of who they are and don't give them time to show it to you, what's the point in being your friend? My guess is that friends have taken you as a fool before, so you want to call them out before they have the chance to. But not everyone's out to get you. Anyway, let this friend breathe and be sure you talk to him when you get to talk again and not at him.

[Seority]

That's something I said I already tried to explain.
I ask them "Hey are you upset at me or anything?" Reply: "No" Then later on, through my other friends, I find out that my friend really did have a problem or a problem with me even! They just don't tell me things anymore and I want to know why. It's also hard to believe the "I'm fine,"'s when they go and do this behind my back. Should I really just let them do this to me? I don't feel that I'm their friend if that's how the story goes though. Like I stated, friends help friends, and I don't just wanna sit back and let them lie to my face everyday.

About the "They all hate me" thing. I ment it as some very odd re-occuring thing that I hope to also fix one day soon. People, no matter who they are, tend to never let me know when they have an issue with me. All of them now. Just questionable and, again, something I wish to fix in the future. I almost cried when I saw that this current friend of mine was begining to do the same thing... ><;

[DreXxiN]

I almost cried when I saw that this current friend of mine was begining to do the same thing... ><;

That's exactly it though, you are STILL assuming. And the more you assume, the more you're going to annoy the person you are trying to get answers out of, thus furthermore, not trusting to tell you what's going on with them.

[Seority]

I'll give an example.
My friend was upset with my attitude one day. I asked them "Are you mad at me?" Answer, "No." Later on I hear from another friend that my current friend was talking to them about being upset with my actions. That is what hurt. 1) That they lied to me. 2) That they bugged someone else about it did not go to me. I had to bring up that situation to my friend and they agreed that they did talk behind me. This is why it's getting harder to trust their word.
I do still trust them, don't get me wrong. I remember what they tell me, but I also tell them that I might still think they are upset. Using the previous 'depressed friend' situation I mentioned above, they say they're fine, ok then, what can you do? I just still tell them that they are acting strange and that they still look down to me. I do this so they know that I still care for them. I don't want them to think that I just gave up on them or ditching them nor their feelings. I care for them a lot. As I have stated many times, if they would have said, "Hey leave me alone, We'll talk later, I don't wish to talk" then I wouldn't bother them anymore. The thing is, is the only answers I'm getting is silence and an occational "I'm fine". Those don't answer nor solve anything. ><;

[CelestialBlade]

That's something I said I already tried to explain.
I ask them "Hey are you upset at me or anything?" Reply: "No" Then later on, through my other friends, I find out that my friend really did have a problem or a problem with me even! They just don't tell me things anymore and I want to know why. It's also hard to believe the "I'm fine,"'s when they go and do this behind my back. Should I really just let them do this to me? I don't feel that I'm their friend if that's how the story goes though. Like I stated, friends help friends, and I don't just wanna sit back and let them lie to my face everyday.
But again, how much of the situation do you really know about? What if they were just seeking advice on a problem involving you? Maybe they were worried about you and needed some reassurance from another friend? If you don't know exactly what went on, don't judge. That's only going to lead to more problems.


About the "They all hate me" thing. I ment it as some very odd re-occuring thing that I hope to also fix one day soon. People, no matter who they are, tend to never let me know when they have an issue with me. All of them now. Just questionable and, again, something I wish to fix in the future. I almost cried when I saw that this current friend of mine was begining to do the same thing... ><;
Kylie said it best here, but I'll reiterate: People find it hard to approach someone who is notorious for making assumptions and judging on little information. That does not, in any way, mean you're a bad person, but it creates a difficult aura around you for people to see through. That can affect total strangers and close friends alike.

[DreXxiN]

Just because it's hard to trust doesn't mean you shouldn't.

My relationship history and it's records of ill-faithful females doesn't make me ask you over and over if you are cheating because you are talking to a guy.

Just because someone is silent once and awhile, and isn't always completely giddy shouldn't have you assuming that they are upset.

I think people have seen me extremely ecstatic, but also very well reserved and introverted.

[Seority]

Well then, if that's true Chels then everyone, all the time seems to just ask my other friends about me instead of hearing it from me mysef. I've heard wrong things come from their friends mouths before and you can only get the truth from the person themselves. That way you can say and think based on what you know directly from that person and not just a sly rumor about them. I ask other people, face to face, when I have a problem with them. I do expect the same from everyone, but ufortunetly it just never happens.

I know that I used to be mean, but as I said, I have improved. I'm asking questions instead of making remarks. The catch 22 is that me asking these types of questions seems to annoy people and they tell me I'm being to nosey. I think everytime this happens I tell them that I just don't want to assume things about them, but yet they all seem to not care. Should I just assume then, or keep asking, or just stop caring and shut up? These are the real questions here. -_-'

I, to me, my opinion, what I think, in my world, (big disclaimer) I do not believe answering questions should hurt anyone, their feelings, their mood, etc. When they don't answer me all I can do now is assume, yet when I state an opinion of mine, there those people go, getting pissed at me and tell me to NOT assume. @ x @' As DreX said, it just may be their problems and nothing I can do about it, but what else can I do? Is there something I'm not seeing that would be better?

[Scline]

Okay, I'm going to give you a little... creative criticism, but first, I'm going to straight up tell you that I have an issue with you, I'm not going to beat around the bush like your friends, I don't like the way you act, I think whenever someone has a problem, you take that problem and try to make it seem like you're in a worse situation than the person with the problem, that is my issue with you, it could indeed just be that we're on the internet and there are no "emotions" here, some can hint an emotions, sometimes blatantly show them, but most of the time there aren't any, but none of us are perfect, we're all human.

So, onto the problem at hand, I'm going to give you advice from my own experiences, it's your choice to take it or not, and I'm not going to play the nice guy, I'm going to lay it out as bluntly as I can.

I've been your friend before, I've been the "I'm fine" person, there are many situations that could cause a person to act like this, one is, let's say for example something extremely weird and embarrassing has happened to them, so weird and/or embarrassing that they don't want to talk about it to anyone... another situation is maybe they don't want to be around you at that moment, just want to stay away from you for a while, now this ISN'T always your fault, sometimes people just get exhausted hanging around the same person day in and day out.

In both of these examples, the best situation is just to give the person some space, like Syl and DreXxiN have pointed out.. and let me tell you this, going to your other friends and asking if this friend has a problem or an issue with you isn't a good thing.. I personally don't like people who act this nosy a lot, but that's just my opinion.

It could always be a family or personal issue, I know that when my grandfather died I didn't want to talk to anyone outside my family, if someone tried to talk to me I would try and end the conversation as swiftly as possible.

But anyways, that's all I can really say to help, hope it does help, Good luck.


Edit: I also apologize for bumping a 2 day old rant.