View Full Version : To Lose and To Question

Sep 24, 2009, 12:34 AM
While enjoying my first year at NIU, I met a girl. She and I became really good friends and we would hang out as much as possible...

We were there for each other when we struggled, as any good friend would do. We comforted each other and told each other that everything was going to be okay. I also told her that I was going to be busy this semester with my classes because I want to strive for better grades (as opposed to Bs and Cs). To help with this, I gave her a necklace and a bracelet and told her that I'll be there for her always.

...Unfortunately, things aren't okay. I looked at the door to my dorm, and noticed that the bracelet and necklace are hanging on the door knob. I took them in, and placed them on my desk. It was at this time that I realized that she ended the friendship.

At first, I sort of felt relieved. She's known for having major anxiety and panic attacks and although I've been there to help her through them, she currently has a boyfriend to comfort her through them. Many times, these have been stressful on my end, so I knew this was something I didn't have to deal with from now on.

Then, however, I began to freak out a little. I know I didn't do anything wrong. All I've done was go to class, go back to my room, and spent time working on my homework and studying. There's no way I could be accused of ignoring her or not acknowledging her existence. I've told her that I've been busy and that I will be busy. Yes, she's two doors down from me, but she's been busy herself. She's either in class, at work, or visiting her boyfriend. I know that a relative of hers just passed away, but that shouldn't be a reason for her to, mentally and emotionally speaking, flip out and take it out on me. I tried to talk to her about it, and she blew me off...

I'm currently at a loss for words, other than those in this rant. I know women can be crazy at times, but I didn't realize that those with mental illnesses would go this far.

FML. Really :disapprove:

Sep 24, 2009, 12:43 AM
Who knows. Maybe she took your gift as meaning something else and didn't want it. Maybe she thought your grades meant more than her. Maybe your better off? Maybe you should take a look at the carpet in the library and pass out? The NIU library has great carpet.

Sep 24, 2009, 07:22 AM
this sort of thing unfortunately sometimes just happens, no matter how much you may try to prevent it. That all-encompassing bummed feeling will definitely pass, and it sounds like one or both of you just weren't at a great place to have a deep co-ed friendship at this time, so don't beat yourself up over anything that may or may not have gone down.

Live and learn, yo. Best of luck.

Sep 24, 2009, 10:14 AM
Maybe shes relieved to be rid of your ass. You said I don't have time to be your friend and gave her a bracelet and necklace? Let me guess this was shortly after she got this new boyfriend who's occupying so much of her time.

Don't be such a fucking lamer about it, now your posting your hurt feelings in a video game forum LMFAO! If you want her get off your stupid ass and take her, if not then count your blessings because you've already frightened her off with your K-mart jewelry. Seriously a bracelet and necklace, what is she a gypsy?

This may seem harsh, the truth sometimes is, but remember it's never to late to have what you want provided you know what you want.

Sep 24, 2009, 10:51 AM
Don't be such a fucking lamer about it, now your posting your hurt feelings in a video game forum LMFAO! If you want her get off your stupid ass and take her, if not then count your blessings because you've already frightened her off with your K-mart jewelry. Seriously a bracelet and necklace, what is she a gypsy?

Internet Tough Guy alert.

Sep 24, 2009, 11:20 AM
Internet Tough Guy alert.


Sep 24, 2009, 11:30 AM
No, not a tough guy just not a sugar coating, cake eating, fancy lad! I don't know why people like Coffee want to write a Dear Abby response, but that doesn't make it wrong to write the truth.

This poor bastard is obviously obsessed with the girl or he wouldn't be pouring his heart out here of all places. Truth be told I do feel sympathy for him, he is young, confused, and afraid to act on his real feelings. It's a common disease, I recognize the symptoms because I was once a young man.

You can call me what you like, and you can dislike what I say, but stop being such a little bitch is the best advice he's going to get. Whether he was a total stranger or my best friend the response to this post would've been the same. Watashiwa, sometimes people don't need someone else to feel sorry for them as much as a swift kick in the ass!

Sep 24, 2009, 11:45 AM
Well did you ever think about her feelings?

Her good friend tells her that he is going to be pretty busy cause of school.
You make her that kind of a present, which I personally - but surely not everyone will see it like that - think is just too much between friends, but because of what?

Would you have given her that present if you did not think that you would not see each other during that time? I don't think so. Of course she would think that you gave it to her as a substitute of yourself. So she probably told herself to let you have the free time you wanted.
You know, everybody is busy from time to time. But making her a present because of it? Don't you think she would have understood anyway? Were you scared she would be mad if you would not give her something to make up for it?

I can understand that she gave the present back to you. I would have felt like an idiot in her position, too.

So both of you went ahead and it happend like you predicted: Both of you did not see each other anymore. But? You started to miss her! You started to question your friendship because she let you have the free time you told her you would need.
You questioned your friendship although she just tried to deal with what you initially wanted.

And now, after such a long time, you finally had the oppurtunity to talk to her and what did you do?
You talked to her like everything was her fault to begin with.

Maybe it should have been you apologizing - not her.

Sep 24, 2009, 12:57 PM
agree with mysterious 100%.

also, giving a girl who you KNOW has a boyfriend presents like jewelry is just asking for shit to happen. you're actually quite lucky you didn't get your ass beat, maybe she was nice enough not to even tell her boyfriend about it and just returned it to you secretly (imo, what happened).

cause I know damn well if one of my wife's male friends decided to give her jewelry, 1 - if in person it would never have been accepted, and 2 - if it was somehow delivered to the house, it would be promptly returned. she'd probably ask me to have some words with the guy too, which is why I'm a bit surprised that you were never confronted by her bf.

tbh, I think you got off easy. seems like the girl was actually a decent person and cared enough to not see you bleeding.

Sep 24, 2009, 01:15 PM
@Mysterious-G: Umm, no. I don't care who you are, if anyone is the recipient of a heart-felt gift, its not acceptable to just heave it back without saying a word. That's an extremely callous way to return something that was supposed to be sentimental. Its her right to return it, but she needs to say something too.

@Dek: Sucks man. If you have a really deep friendship with this girl and think she's worth it, try to smooth things over and get back on even keel. Maybe she's just going through a rough patch and acting out. If not, moving on is the best thing to do. There are 6 billion people on this planet, no need to get hung up on one of them. :)

@Gibdozer: There's a difference between giving stern advice, and being a complete asshole.

Tact. Learn it.

Sep 24, 2009, 01:23 PM
It seems to me he gave her the gifts before she had a boyfriend.

Other than that, then I agree with Mysterious as well.

Although, maybe she wanted you to be her boyfriend (if I'm right about her not having one before the gifts).

Being busy is no excuse to not make time for friends, specially as good as friend she seemed to be, from what you told.

I get super busy, as I'm sure everyone else does. Working 15 hours a day for 5 days really sucks. (thank god it's not (school) summer anymore.
You always have to make time for friends, that's why you're friends with the people that are.
They will always understand, if not, then they shouldn't be your friend anyway, huh?

From how you said it, it kinda seems like you just outright told her, hey, I'll be busy, we cant hang out.
Maybe she thought you were saying that to "get her off your back" in a way. Seeing how you two were so close, she could have thought you were getting too much of her.
I sometimes get annoyed with a friend (mainly when I was younger) when we were around each other for long periods of time.

I say just talk to her, don't worry about the boyfriend.
If he's a nice guy, he will understand. Unless you want to go out with her, then be prepared to fight. lol.
Good luck, hope it all works out for you both.

(ps) in some countries/cultures, it's an insult to give back, or not accept gifts from someone, unless of course it's in Cracka J's position)

Sep 24, 2009, 02:04 PM
she currently has a boyfriend to comfort her


Boyfriend probably got mad that you guys were the best of friends. He forbade her to see you thus your friendship is broken.

Of course she agrees with him, she's too blind to see it though.

She'll come around eventually. :D

Sep 24, 2009, 03:27 PM
It seems to me he gave her the gifts before she had a boyfriend.

Well he never did mention the timeframe, which is a bit suspect, so I assumed he knew beforehand.

If not, then it just seems the jewelry was a leash to keep her on lock while he went and did his thing. So he didn't have to necessarily be tied down to any one woman, but because she took his jewelry, she's on his leash.

I woulda done the exact same thing if I was the chick...cut things clean so there's no ties. I've actually seen guys do that to girls before and it always provokes what the guys like to call "cheating" cause they think they still got the girl on lockdown :P

Sep 24, 2009, 05:54 PM
Thankfully a mistake I avoided making from an early age. NEVER put dull shite (chasing grades, etc.) ahead of chasing attractive members of the opposite sex.

Sep 24, 2009, 10:11 PM
Gibdozer, you don't have a lot of friends, do you?

Sep 24, 2009, 10:46 PM
in retrospect, if you wanted something to work you should of went and grabbed it.
the waiting game with feelings just doesn't work.

Sep 26, 2009, 03:12 AM
Gibdozer, you don't have a lot of friends, do you?

When it comes to friends it's always about quality not quantity, you don't have to pull your punches with real friendship, that's what makes it real. You also don't have to censor your opinions in forums just so strangers think your a "nice guy". So maybe I'm not nice, but at least I'm being real.

The OP never looked at this girl as his friend, never had an emotion for her that originated above the waste line. If he had he wouldn't have put restrictions on the relationship(as friendship does not require such justifications). Honestly no matter how busy you are or how full your life is, you will always have time for a true friend!

This is a case of desire and hurt feelings, it's all right between the lines. I don't have time for you right now because you have a new boyfriend Oh, by the way here is some jewelry. He should have avoided any mixed messages and just given her the REO Speedwagon/Chicago compilation he stayed up all night listening to.

I'll try to say this next part nice, just for you MetaZedlin(so that you'll like me again).

OP you made a mistake, you didn't say what you wanted to when you had the chance, and when the chance was gone you said something you didn't mean. You obviously regret how the situation turned out, so consider trying to improve it. The thing about regret is it never goes away, not completely, as time moves forward it just gets buried deeper in the unalterable past. When regret sinks beneath so much time that it is unresolvable it tends to become remorse, you might want to avoid remorse.

Sep 26, 2009, 04:51 AM
There's a huge difference in being "real" and rude.

Though I agree with you saying "no matter how busy you are, or how full your life is, you will always have time for a true friend".
That's probably the OP's first mistake.

OP, make time for your friends, don't tell em you cant hang out because of your schedule.
It will probably be better if you don't even mention it, and when the time comes they want to hang out, just say you're busy with school/work/ ect.

Don't let them know ahead of time unless you already made specific plans, because then it's like you planned on not hanging out with the people/person.

Sep 26, 2009, 01:06 PM
Yes they are different though not mutually exclusive, certainly one can be real and rude simultaneously.

I already said "I'm not nice", so what did you expect? Why persist in calling me a meany when I've already admitted as much?

Sep 26, 2009, 05:01 PM
It wasn't me that called you anything.
I was just saying, real and rude are different.

Sure you can be real and rude, but why be rude?
You don't have to.
Not sugar coating and being rude are also different.
You can say anything without sugar coating, and without being rude.