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Leviathan
Feb 2, 2010, 03:10 PM
I see what you are trying to do there. Really, I do. You’re trying to get me to notice you. But you are not a delicious pizza! I know, babe. I’m sorry. I don’t care about that new lingerie, or the new fragrance you’re wearing, or the fancy new hat you bought. I don’t care about any of that. The fact is is that you’re just not a delicious pizza.

See, I want to put you in my mouth. I’m sure - if I really thought about it - I could put you in my mouth. But you are a girl. You just wouldn’t fit.

Now - the PIZZA on the other hand - will FIT in my MOUTH. And it tastes delicious, like the dough was rolled on the backs of Ukranian beauty queens and the cheese is strong, sweet and powerful, like it was fermented between two Hemingway novels. And the toppings! THE TOPPINGS. I can choose The Pizza’s toppings, but I cannot choose yours because you are “a lady” and you “can vote” and “dress yourself”. I can dress the pizza however I see fit.

So no, babe. I don’t care about your naked body, your **** *** practices, or your ability to perform the oft-talked about but nary-actualized ‘****** ***’. The fact is that you are not a pizza, and I’m sorry. Are you crying? Why don’t you me and the pizza sit down and wa - - -

Fine. Be that way. I’ll be here with my baby. The only one that understands me.

DEALBREAKER! (http://dealbreaker.tumblr.com/)

Nitro Vordex
Feb 2, 2010, 03:15 PM
You Said “I Love You” WAY Too Soon
You don’t love me. You can’t love me. There’s no way you can love someone based entirely on a modestly priced dinner (half priced apps!), a moderately enjoyable movie (Ben Affleck!), and reasonably pleasurable sex (TWO positions!). I liked you, that’s for sure, but those new, warm-ish feelings turned to fear and dread as soon as you broke out the L word this morning. Come on! At least play the game a LITTLE! Keep me guessing for a bit! Even if I felt the same way (which, after 1 night, I assure you, is impossible), I wouldn’t break those 3 words out for at least a month. Maybe 2 if I’m feeling especially cagey. It’s a dizzy dance, this thing called love, and you’ve got two left feet. And they’re facing the door. Please leave.

Outrider
Feb 2, 2010, 04:00 PM
You listen to "everything."

Really. Everything. You don’t have any, you know, favorites…. no? You just listen to “whatever’s on the radio”? Oh my God. How about Owl City? You like that one song by them, huh? How about Ke$ha? You think she’s catchy? How about the yowls of a domestic tabby being raped by a Scottish wildcat? Get the hell out of here. I bet you have 300 bands on your iPod and only one song from each of them.

HAYABUSA-FMW-
Feb 2, 2010, 10:39 PM
It’s a dizzy dance, this thing called love,
*3D avatar Dizzy Dance he made with the leopard speedo*

Alnet
Feb 2, 2010, 11:41 PM
GUESTBREAKER: You Aren’t a Real Person, Just a Coat on a Coat-rack in the Dark

I was really interested in you when I woke up half asleep and you were in the corner of my room being mysterious and brooding, but I turned on a light to reveal you were just a coat on a coat rack. The excitement faded. DEALBREAKER!
lmao, what.

HAYABUSA-FMW-
Feb 2, 2010, 11:42 PM
Guess that's a real breaker too.

Leviathan
Feb 3, 2010, 01:02 AM
That Super Cute Quirky Girl From that Movie
Fellas: we’ve got some bad news for you. The adorable female lead from your favorite quirky movie would be an obnoxious maniac if she were a real person. If we have to see one more movie where Natalie Portman or Zooey Deschanel play delicate little quirkmuffins, we’ll probably enjoy it, buy the DVD, and start a Facebook group about it. BUT THEN we’d realize that those girls don’t exist in reality, and their closest real world approximations are usually total basket cases with daddy issues and a purse full of meds. Allow us to break the illusion for you and show you how shit would go down, real world vs. movie world.

Movie World: Super cute quirky girl (SCQG) puts headphones on you and plays you a song that melts your little heart.
Real World: You’ve already heard the song, and you pretend to be impressed. However, she can see through it and gives you the silent treatment for the rest of the day.

Movie World: SCQG tells you that you two are going for a ride. When you ask her where you’re going, she puts a blindfold on you and says, “it’s a secret.” Then the two of you sneak into the natural history museum after hours and make out in the dinosaur room.
Real World: The secret place she takes you to is her coke dealer’s house, and he makes you watch mildly pornographic movies where women fight each other.

Movie World: Cute girl invites you over to make a pillow fort. You two spend the evening eating s’mores under blankets and playing records, and then she dares you to kiss her!
Real World: Same scenario, but replace all the fun stuff with: the pillow fort reminds her of a traumatic childhood experience that she refuses to explain. You spend the rest of the night asking her, “What’s wrong,” and offering her tissues.

Movie World: After an intense shared experience, super cute quirky girl cuts all of her hair off in an adorable pixie cut and begins speaking with a british accent because she’s “starting over.”
Real World: After chasing xanax and vicodin with a bottle of red wine, she shaves her head unevenly and passes out at your cousin’s wedding.

Movie World: Your artsy, adorable crush constructs a scavenger hunt for you with step by step instructions. You have to take a picture of a smiling baby, find a cloud that looks like a sleeping lion, and release 5 balloons into the air. The final step of the scavenger hunt takes you to a rooftop, where she got your favorite indie band plays a private concert for the two of you.
Real World: She kills herself.

There it is, guys. Quirky and adorable movie girls may not exist in real life, but look at it this way, at least it’s been five years and Zach Braff still hasn’t made another movie.

HAYABUSA-FMW-
Feb 3, 2010, 01:33 AM
Let me try that.

Movie World: Kirsten Dunst makes you a CD to document exactly where to go and every stop of the way when driving, before GPS was a big hit with consumers, to make up for your billion dollar sneaker flop that wasn't a hit with consumers, after you guys talked on the phone throughout the night and drove to a spot while still talking on the phone and got out of the car and were talking on the phones and finally hung up.

Real World: You're not Orlando Bloom.

Not a Copypastafarian

--

Fluff, writer notes in spoiler box
[spoiler-box]
And I guess a flight attendant really wouldn't be an expert on atlas/road tripping, and you only wish you designed Space Jam sneakers from design cues like the mesh bags of lawnmowers like Tinker Hatfield. & I didn't turn the Dunst into a psycho RL woman, but "celebrities" mostly are that, according to smear-impulse-paparatzo pics and such.[/spoiler-box]

astuarlen
Feb 3, 2010, 01:35 AM
GUESTBREAKER: You Aren’t a Real Person, Just a Coat on a Coat-rack in the Dark

I was really interested in you when I woke up half asleep and you were in the corner of my room being mysterious and brooding, but I turned on a light to reveal you were just a coat on a coat rack. The excitement faded. DEALBREAKER!

I run into clothes I've hung up to dry in doorways too often--and I am very glad they are not real people (a clammy cotton slap in the face is enough, thanks).



http://28.media.tumblr.com/79foGQC8fppk24utD0YdxYPno1_400.gif
Dealbreaker Jr: You Like the WORST Pokemon

See Above.

So, I herd you don't like Magikarp... I guess we can't be more than friends. :(

HAYABUSA-FMW-
Feb 3, 2010, 01:40 AM
*stuff white people like... to talk about? dot blogspot.coms*

There it is, guys. Quirky and adorable movie girls may not exist in real life, but look at it this way, at least it’s been five years and Zach Braff still hasn’t made another movie.
Zach Braff?

You just don't know

Target has some "Jonah Brother & the Administration," TUES NEW RELEASE whatever that means.

Forget Kanye old man with that "Late Registration"

Jonah brotha is now edgier than a straight edge of your mead 5***** protractor.