View Full Version : Advice for the heart?
03-04-2001, 04:13 AM
I'm pathetic. I met a guy who lives on the other side of the continent, but I've never seen what he looks like, I don't really know anything about his life, and yet... I think I might like him.
I stated early on that I'm not ready for any kind of a relationship yet. But he still hints that he'd like to be my boyfriend. I've never been in a relationship before, so I don't know what to expect.
Can someone help me? Define what a "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" really are. Just close friends that hang out together? Or is it something more? How far can such a relationship go?
I'm ashamed that I felt I had to post this online. But please, post a reply or e-mail me (email@example.com) whether you have any questions, comments, or advice.
<font size=1>[ This message was edited by: Aierylia on 2001-03-04 02:20 ]</font>
03-04-2001, 08:02 AM
I'm guessing you met the guy over the internet, or something. I'm not gonna jump to any conclusions because of this, and I'm not gonna say anything about it. If you like the conversations you're having with him, and you find him to be a decent friend, sure go ahead with it. I just don't know how you're gonna be in his presence, watch a movie with him, have him cook your dinner, and all that other romantic whatever (stuff) that people in relationships do. Well, at least you'll have someone you can trust and confide in. I don't want to go into the physical aspects of relationships - it all depends on your maturity level. Sex, bleh... If you want to call him your boyfriend, sure - I don't know what he expects out of that, though. Maybe he'll attach some kind of possessive thing to it and get jealous about your talking to other guys and such. Anyway, it goes as far as you want it to go - do you know how far you want it to go? If you're hesitating about it, then you're probably not ready. You said, yourself, that you aren't.
03-04-2001, 07:46 PM
Coming from EQ I know MANY people who met over the internet. In all honesty I would say about 20% of them actually met and 10% actually made something of it.
My suggestion is, take it as slow as humanly possible. Don't be in a rush because it might be a year before you actually meet. Also some people are very different online than offline so keep that in mind.
03-04-2001, 08:17 PM
Don't ever let anyone tell you that Internet relationships are somehow inferior to "real" relationships. The One is still The One, whether he lives across the continent or next door.
As for your actual question... the definition of "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" seems to vary by individual. ^^; I have been in the same situation as you're in, though, so I should able to clarify it a bit... I hope...
If he's trying to pick you up so soon after you met (and despite your telling him outright that you're not ready), he's probably more interested in you as a girlfriend than as a person. I don't think he's trying to use you or anything; it's just that some people are too fascinated by romance itself to get hung up on the little details, like who they're actually going out with. ^^;; If you were both like that, it wouldn't be a problem - you might even grow to love each other as people after a while - but you said that you don't want to date yet at all; you're just thinking of making an exception for this particular guy.
There are dozens of factors to consider here, but the important one (in my humble opinion) is this: Regardless of how much he wants you as his girlfriend, do you *really, truly* want him as your boyfriend? I mean... if he hadn't asked you first, would you even be considering it?
03-05-2001, 08:52 AM
Can I take that you're young? ("Never been in a relationship before...")
Long Distance Relationships (LDR's) suck... flat out. I knw because just about every relationship I've ever been in has eventually turned into one.
My major qualm with these "internet" relationships is that they're not real. Until you can meet this individual, you'll never know how true they are to what they present on the web. As far as any of you know, I'm Hitler!
Anyway, take it slow. Don't allow yourself to belief that you love this person just yet. 4 time zones is rough... I'm currently dealing with that very situation myself, however, my relationship started in person. Thay just have to move now...
03-07-2001, 01:10 PM
<font face=times new roman color=red>Well, heres a lil something from a positive situation. I met my current yes online around July 2000. We met on another message board, and hes all the way in California, I'm in Georgia, COMPLETE opposites. But we started off as friends, and around Jan this year, we found out we had feelings for one another. We knew the only true way to find out if they are real or not, is to meet, so in Feb, I had enough money (just under $300) and I flew out to meet him. He's the most wonderful person and man I have ever met. There really are gentlemen out there still ladies http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_wink.gif But he is completely opposite of my ex, whom...well, treated me like shit to put it bluntly. He cheated, took me for granted, adn left me for drugs(which he wasnt doing before we went out). He threw 2 yrs down the drain...and he was my first everything which made it even harder. But 2 yrs later, I meet my current who is wonderful...but we're still taking things slow, and I'mworking on trying to find a way for me to move out there...but then agian I am 21 and able to do so.
I wish you luck hun. Best I can say is to take things very slow to get to know one another as the whole "online/long distance" relationship stuff is based mostly off of trust. It can take a lot out of ya, but I know mine is worth it, so maybe someday you will see yours is too. If its meant to be, it will be. If not, then there must be something else in store for you.<center>
03-08-2001, 01:51 AM
You have to understand that there's nothing wrong with internet relationships. Hey, some people have even found their special someone that way-which is totally awesome. I suggest, as pretty much everyone does, to be true to your feelings (corny? very =P). If you like him, cmon, admit it. But take it easy. There's no rush right? I think internet relationships are cool-you meet the personality, not the face. Who knows? Maybe your friendship will blossom into a beautiful relationship. I wish you the best of luck, and keep us all posted on what happens!
03-08-2001, 01:52 AM
You have to understand that there's nothing wrong with internet relationships. There is nothing pathetic about it! Hey, some people have even found their special someone that way-which is totally awesome. I suggest, as pretty much everyone does, to be true to your feelings (corny? very =P). If you like him, cmon, admit it. But take it easy. There's no rush right? I think internet relationships are cool-you meet the personality, not the face. Who knows? Maybe your friendship will blossom into a beautiful relationship. I wish you the best of luck, and keep us all posted on what happens!
03-08-2001, 08:10 AM
I dont really know how I would handle an internet relationship. I'm the kind of person who thinks a relationship with someone means being able to touch that person, to feel that person, to see that person in front of you at least once a day.
I've met some cool girls on the internet before and if I was able to see them in real life once in awhile, I would be able to be thier boyfriend.
But, I just dont think I could have a relationship with someone that just consist of talking over a chat program or talking on the phone.
For the past 5 years of living here in Florida I have been in maybe 7-8 relationships, all of which I am not very proud of, something was always wrong. If I met someone on the internet that I could honestly say I loved. I would probably move as close to them as possible.
03-08-2001, 03:30 PM
<font face=times new roman color=red>Being away from the person you care for deeply is incredibly hard. I get sad all the time from not being able to go out and have fun, wrestle around, play games together, or simply just watch a movie and cuddle, but then again I think to myself, I'm incredibly lucky to have someone that I am sad being away from...I could have no one. WHich has been the case for the past 2 yrs, and now that I have him, I will endure just about anything until I am able to be with him. Its all a matter of perspective and making the other person happy. I dont care about me, but if I can make him happy, that in turn makes me happy. A good relationship is 50/50. You make them happy, in turn they make you happy, and both are happy. Thats the way its supposed to be, just people seem to have gotten selfish over teh year, ah well<center>
03-08-2001, 03:30 PM
<font face=times new roman color=red>Being away from the person you care for deeply is incredibly hard. I get sad all the time from not being able to go out and have fun, wrestle around, play games together, or simply just watch a movie and cuddle, but then again I think to myself, I'm incredibly lucky to have someone that I am sad being away from...I could have no one. WHich has been the case for the past 2 yrs, and now that I have him, I will endure just about anything until I am able to be with him. Its all a matter of perspective and making the other person happy. I dont care about me, but if I can make him happy, that in turn makes me happy. A good relationship is 50/50. You make them happy, in turn they make you happy, and both are happy. Thats the way its supposed to be, just people seem to have gotten selfish over teh years, ah well<center>
03-08-2001, 08:27 PM
The three internet relationships that I've been involved with always culminated in a sad display of carnal lust when I'd finally met the opposing parties. The emotional aspects of the relationships always trailed off, maybe because I'm needy and demanding - but that's beside the point. Internet relationships are no better or no worse than relationships in which people first meet offline. As long as you two want to be together, fine. Just don't go leading people on. I think most people are after sex, anyway. All I have to say is that the best relationship I've been in was an offline relationship, and even though she left me after two years and had the temerity to screw around, I'm still friends with her because she can be a good friend at times. Know what you want and know what your significant other wants, take things slow if you haven't figured it out yet.
03-13-2001, 06:01 AM
Breathing life into a dormant topic...
I might end up moving to Boise, Idaho. I have to see about a girl. Dammit, I hate how emotions sneak up on you after you bottle them up for so long.
03-13-2001, 08:30 AM
It's kind of ironic that I should be commenting on this subject; I was first introduced to MUDding (and thereby online games/communities) by a person with whom I was involved in a long-distance relationship. "Cheaper than long-distance..."
Well here I am, 8-odd years later; I'm still playing online games but I stopped talking to that person 2 years ago... even though I still miss her.
A lot of what any relationship is is finding out who the other person really is and what they mean to you because of that. As anyone can tell you, this is often a frustrating experience, due to the fact that even the most honest people have social masks, emotional defenses and their hidden personality quirks. It's often an ultimately painful and frustrating experience when someone lets you down, but sometimes there's those moments that you remember for the rest of your life.
Over the years I've met plenty of people online with whom I've shared an emotional bond; sometimes it's disarmingly easy, perhaps because people aren't wholely represented online. Some girls have shown interest in me; I seem to fall into people's idea of "knight in shining armor" often... would that I were that valorous. The thing is, it's very easy to impose your idea of what someone is towards your own biases, given that you're almost always given an imcomplete picture of who someone is when you're online. I've met saints online who turned out to be really sadistic people in real life; conversely, I've come across some a**holes online who have turned out to be true gentlemen.
Of course, a lot of this can be said about first impressions in real life as well... the difference being that most people tend to live different personas when they're online. My point is, I guess, that the process of finding out who the person is that you are in a relationship with tends to take much longer when you're dealing with someone over long distances... even if you "see" them everyday online.
There's really only two pieces of advice I can really give you, which tend to hold true for anyone.
The first is not to lose yourself; this happens sooo often, especially if you're young. This is more because when you're younger, you tend to have less of an idea of who _you_ actually are. A lot of people when they first enter into the scary world of relationshpi try to be whatever their partner's ideal is. I've seen a lot of relationships and marriages break up because someone just couldn't deal with being someone they weren't. Losing yourself in a relationship also tends to throw your perspective out of wack, which can further muddle other things in your life; there's a great lime from the movie "Mississippi Burning": "Most women spend the first part of their life trying to get married, then spend the rest of it trying to figure out why."
The bottom line is: Don't get trap yourself in a relationship where someone does not love you for whom you really are... and love people for who they are, not who you want them to be.
The other piece of advice: Don't shut yourself away. Almost every relationship I've had has been doomed by the fears of whomever I was involved with. Share yourself with whomever you've committed yourself to. Yes, opening yourself like that leaves you vulnerable, but without vulnerability there can not be trust or intimacy. The opposite of love is fear, not hate; and if you spend your time in a relationship fearing instead of loving, then its time to reassess the situation.
Wow, this post is long... but yet, I still wish I could offer more help. As in almost everything, experience is key, but you can't ever let it harden your heart. Best of wishes...
03-18-2001, 06:04 AM
...Wow....I thought that I was suppose to receive e-mail to notify me when this topic was replied to, but I wasn't. ^_^; Eh-heh, so I never checked this board until now. Luckily, I didn't need the advice, but I'll keep it all with me for posterity.
Well, to keep those of you guys who are still interested in what happens/happened filled in, no we're not in a relationship. I've filled the role of being an "ear" for him instead, which has proven to be much more valuable to him, and far easier to deal with on my part [and we newearls have long ears don't we]. Here's his story:
In real life, he had a girlfriend, but they broke up after several months. In hopes of easing his pain, he joined the world of PSO. Unfortunately, he ended up trying to start a relationship with several girls he met to fill that hole. Obviously that didn't work. After having been rejected by about 5 or 6 more girls, whether directly or indirectly, he met me. After hunting and gabbing for several games, we found we had a good rapport with each other. So he pushed a lil for a relationship. Rather than hurting him outright by saying no, I told him that I wasn't ready. Then I came here and posted this topic. Between then and now, I have been listening to his problems and have been trying to advise him on how -not- to approach a girl.
Given the past week or so, I've come to the conlusion that I don't really love him, but his anonymity and good nature make him an excellent confidant. In this, we've got a reciprocal relationship of sorts, so everything seems to have worked out between us.
At any rate, thank you everyone for replying to the original post. Your advice is well-taken and any further advice you can give me or anyone on such a situation will be valued. You're right Shado, I'm still young--I'm 17. I'm not even out of high school, yet. So keep passing on advice on the matter. I've got a lot to learn.
03-18-2001, 07:20 PM
<font face=times new roman color=red>Good to hear everything seems to be working out well now hun http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_smile.gif Its very easy to get swept up into feelings when online, but to meet is to know ifits true. Ive met some of my best friends a person could ever have online, and I am greatful for them everyday. Enjoy this friendship and definitely make it last, ive found the kind that you found is one you want to last a lifetime http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_smile.gif<Center>
03-20-2001, 12:59 PM
It's good to hear that you've finally come to understand your feelings-good for you! Lenneth, you have some great advice! I'm sure everyone who reads will take it into consideration.
Anyway, I'm sure we speak for everyone when I say we're happy that this outcome didn't turn out so horrible. Who knew that such drama could develop in PSO?
Speaking of drama...my sister needs help. I don't know how to help her, since I'm not very experienced in internet relationships-ok, I'm not experienced, period. If you're willing to listen, I'd appreciate any help.
Warning: Could be a long post...eek! Sorry...
My sister is 11, and in 6th grade. She's very cool (um...well sometimes) but she's incredibly young and immature. I mean, weren't we all?
She's managed to snag a young man's heart online. They apparently talked and gotten to know each other. Nice I'd say. Read on.
Problem is, he's 20 years old! Holy !@#$. He wants to give them (my sis and he) a chance. Um..can someone say ewww for me?
He's scared me to the point where he insists that he will fly out here to Cali just so they can meet. *shudder*
What did I do? As the caring sister I am, I talked to him-straight out. I let him know that they are 9 years apart, and that if a relationship developed, I'd kick his little perverted ass! Heh, maybe not in those exact words, but I needed him to know that this relationship was wrong.
I need to know: did what I did is right? I believe so, but his sister (who is such a close friend of mine) says that maybe I should stay out of this.
And, someone tell me what I should do. I've run out of ideas, and the man insists that he will wait for my sister...
Ahh! Help please!
03-20-2001, 02:07 PM
<font face=times new roman color=red>Well, while 9 yrs isnt that big of a deal, it is when the ages are 20 and 11. Thats gross. Granted its wierd as is for them to be friends and thinking about more, but i think what you did was fine. Granted its not your life, but she's 11, so its not really hers yet either. Until she's around the age of 20, she wont understand or know fully what she wants. from 17-21 are the biggest life changing and thought changing times. I know this from fact. It wont last if they try. ANd he would indeed be a pervert and a child molester if he tries to pursue this now. If he wants to wait, cool for him, he can wait until she's 20 and he's 29. Thats plenty of time to see if it will last. But you did the right thing, and if his sis, the "friend" is getting upset, tough cookies...we're it her lil sister instead, she would have done the same thing. Im not saying that that guy is a bad guy, but I think he is wasting his time. My email is always open if anyone ever needs it. Hope this made you feel better about your decision, I'm behind you on it.<center>
03-21-2001, 01:39 AM
Aierylia - I'm glad that things turned out well. Making friends is good and helps you develop socially. I'm glad you're open to advice, as well - it demonstrates that you have a mind that you are willing to use.
Prodigy - It was most likely that this guy wanted to fulfill his pedophiliac fantasies, thusly, it was a good idea to cut him off. Something like that would get me quite angry... preying on the innocent &c. He's weird... I'm weird (I like older women). La dee da. I'm not really being preyed on if I know what's expected out of the relationship... but, on the other hand, I'm sexually mature and your sister isn't.
Concerning relationships - I hate being lonely - I'm sure most of you others don't find it all too pleasant either. My problem is that I always fall so fast and hard into relationships. I just get excited by the idea that someone even remotely likes me, much less thinks about me romantically. The thing about it is that I portray myself at face value and hide nothing - whereas most of the women I've encountered tend to whithold information... as if to see if things are worth it or not. I've made myself vulnerable so many times, and have had myself hurt as a result, that I questioned all the reasoning behind love. There is none behind it - it's a mechanism that evolution has designed to bring people together for the exchange of genetic information, and to keep one partner binded to the other so that that exchange can keep going. Despite being in a loving relationship, eyes will wander (on both sides of the relationship). Love may remain - but if not, there's no reason to fret over it. Love is, by no means, constant. That does not, however, mean that you should throw it out the window for the next pretty thing - people have been known to be happy after 70 years of marriage and however number of years arguing and communicating.
I suppose that the only last bit of advice that I can add to Lenneth's highly reasonable overture is this: Do not, by any means, go out looking for love. Learn to be happy with yourself. If you're looking for love, you won't be in love with the person you find - you'll be infatuated by the idea of love. One must learn to love one's self in order to love others.
03-21-2001, 11:57 AM
<font face=times new roman color=red>I agree, if you look for love, you will not find it. Only when you stop looking will you find it. But make sure you find yourself first, because if you dont, you will change your mind, almsot guaranteed. I'm sorry you have been hurt Pollo. I too am a very open person, which simply intimidates people. Like last night someone was doubting i was female! Just because I was joking about something saying it was naughty. LOL, sorry that I'm not stuck up like most girls, but ah well, i'm very secure in myself, so much so that I am not afraid to be a bit of a perv if the situation seems ok, i was joking, in a slightly perverse way, and just because of that someone thought I was a guy. Course someone had seen my pic and assured the guy i was very much female but still! I couldnt believe that lol. Wow, i went off course there, sorry Pollo. How are you now? Still lonely? Maybe you should change the girls you're going after? Try something new?<center>
03-21-2001, 11:05 PM
Sciler - What reason to change the girls I'm going after when I'm not even looking? As it is, I'm currently conversing with a very amiable and charming lady through ICQ - problem is that she's currently living in Idaho, whereas I'm up here in Canada. I say it's a problem because we're both developing very strong romantic feelings toward each other and, being apart, further development of the relationship will be somewhat difficult (considering physical intimacy). Additionally, we share with each other quite well - she has given me no reason to mistrust her words, or make me suspicious that she's hiding anything from me. As things go, we're still feeling each other out - it took us about a month to realize the romantic aspect of our conversations - and it will likely take longer before, if chance has it, we end up together. As far as the outcome, it could go either way, and I will have nothing to resent because I will still have her good friendship.
Loneliness becomes like a bad smell, eventually, you stop noticing it. I'm comfortable enough being alone, and I'm still unwilling to go out looking for love.
03-22-2001, 12:44 AM
<font face=times new roman color=red>I didnt mean it in a bad way Pallo, im sorry http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_frown.gif And long distance can work if both parties are willing to do it. i'm doing it myself now. it is hard to be away frm him, but hopefuly wihtin a year i can move out therehttp://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_smile.gif<center>
03-23-2001, 08:12 AM
Sciler - No worries, no offence taken. I'm all for the instant gratification, though. Just, the heartache and all is hard to deal with - as with the long distance tolls. Phone phreaking sounds like a good idea right now. Given the chance, my bags would be packed and I'd be on a bus tomorrow...
03-23-2001, 11:09 AM
<font color=red>lol if I had the money i would move myself. I am tired of Georgia. I could defninitely use a nice move to get away from here for a while...and to be closer to my love. maybe in a year that can cone true, who knows
03-23-2001, 02:05 PM
I don't think I have any reason to be staying around here. Just waiting on her to give the go-ahead.
03-23-2001, 02:35 PM
<font color=red>I wish you luck hun...I think its an awesome opportunity if it comes up http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_smile.gif<center>
03-28-2001, 02:13 AM
Thanks for everyone who helped me wit that lil dilemma. I was worried I made a wrong choice in deciding out her life. Now I know that I was right.
I've talked to that guy that's crushing on her, and we've agreed to come to an agreement:
He said he's willing to wait. If he can wait until she is somewhat mature (keyword: some what) then perhaps they can get somewhere. However, I warned him that that won't be for several years, and during that time the could easily forget about each other. After all, by the time several years comes by, I'm not sure we'll be seeing a PSO 6. Hehe. He's agreed and so has my sis. Finally! I can rest knowing that I'm doing something.
I really gotta thank all of you who helped me!!! Domo arigato! Hehe, just practicing a lil Jap-yah yah so what if I'm American? Lol.
Thnx again all, and I really appreciate it!
03-28-2001, 10:53 AM
<font color=red>Glad to hear hun http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_biggrin.gif<center>
04-05-2001, 01:24 AM
Aah! Sciler!!! Those guys are being SOOO unfair in my forum! It's times like these that we gurlz need to unite! Stop by my forum. It's driving me nuts. Hey, whats up with Pollo? Haven't seen him around lately...Oh well. He'll show up.
04-05-2001, 10:06 AM
<font face=times new roman color=7fffd4>I dunno where he's gone off too, i hope everything is ok tho <center>
04-06-2001, 05:18 AM
I've been racking up a huge bill, buying phone cards, to talk to a sweet, charming, intelligent, beautiful lady. And she can kick butt at Bushido Blade and Rogue Spear.
04-06-2001, 09:46 AM
<font face=times new roman color=7fffd4>Awww http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_biggrin.gif I take it things are going well then. thats good to hear http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_smile.gif<center>
04-17-2001, 11:32 PM
Very well. I'll be seeing her first week of May.
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