PDA

View Full Version : Fanfic in progress. Please comment.



Lahael
Jun 4, 2010, 11:35 PM
Here is chapter one so far of a Phantasy Star Universe fanfic. The events of this game occur one month after the events of Phantasy Star Portable.

Please feel free to tear it a new a-hole. I'm trying to improve as a writer and I will not learn unless you are brutally honest with me. I'm planning to rewrite it entirely because a surge of inspiration and the amount of possibilities for this fic is endless.

Any tips on making the dialogue between the two characters less awkward? Because that is how I'm reading it so far.


*****************************
Chapter I: Replica

The sands of Moatoob were endless, but Vivienne and I rode on. Parched lips caught grit mixed in with our remaining water. What was left would not wash the bitter taste of insects from this morning's meal away. I would have got off and killed one of them for food, but due to Vivienne’s soft spot for small animals I refused. The torrid heat, the feel of my coat drenched in sweat clinging to my back, made the journey all the more unpleasant. I listened to the fluttering shift of feasting birds. I rode on as the rogues instructed me to do, feeling the numbness in my legs as we hurried towards the Illuminus facility.

Everyone thought the Illuminus was just a well-funded human supremacy group, about as harmless as the CAST supremacists on Parum. They shook the GUARDIANS to the core when Helga, an Illuminus loyalist, began injecting the SEED into Beasts and just about released the sealed SEED into the Gurhal system. When Vivienne and I were discharged from the GUARDIANS and branded as traitors, I felt pissed beyond belief. Vivienne worked her heart and soul for the GUARDIANS. It didn’t matter to me if she was a Copy CAST, nor do I care if she was constructed to be an Illuminus spy. That isn’t who she is now. Hell, that wasn’t who she was when I first met her.

“I still can’t believe we were discharged. I mean, I was basically told, ‘Hey thanks for saving the world, rookie! But since your partner was an unwilling patsy for Helga's scheme, we have to discharge her and declare her a traitor to the galaxy. And since you refused to abandon her, we have to do the same to you. Sorry!’”

“There’s nothing we can do about it now, Sorlin. All we can do now is look towards the future,” she said calmly.

“You’re taking being branded a traitor to the galaxy a little too well, Vivienne,” I said. “I admit I’m impressed with the quality of rogue intelligence. They knew the planet like they knew the back of their own hand, even the idiot brothers.”

“Would you stop calling them idiots?” she said. “Do is a skilled mechanic. Without him, I’d be behind my routine maintenance on my body.”

“So what if one of them can fix you up? Doesn’t make them less of a bunch of idiots,” I said.

“Oh Sorlin…” she said.

“How much farther to the coordinates?” I opened my cracked lips and spoke.

“At least 13.67 miles from our current location,” Vivienne said. I often wondered if CASTs had built in compasses that tell you how many miles you were from your destination. I guess my theory is correct. “Should we take a break? You look sick. I told you that you shouldn’t have eaten those insects.”

“We need food and water for the trip back. We could probably ransack the facility once we clear it out for food and water. It’s an Illuminus facility. They wouldn’t starve their own men.”

“Correction: you need food and water for the trip back,” she replied. “Just promise me you’ll never do something stupid like that again. If something we’re to happen to you, I-“ she said.

I rode my mount side by side to hers and placed my hand on her shoulder. I gazed into her eyes. “I’ll never leave you. I promise you this, Vivienne.”
She smiled. Not one of those fake smiles like CASTs usually have, but a real smile. Vivienne always was a strange one.

“Why’re you smiling?” I said with an inspired grin.

“You never really talked much during our time with the GUARDIANS. It’s just nice to hear your lovely voice is all,” she said. I felt a sudden jolt as blood rushing to my cheeks. “Oh! Did I say something strange?”

“W-what? No, it’s not like that, Vivienne,” I stammered on, feeling a coppery taste in my mouth.

“Are you getting a sunburn? How long has it been since you last applied sunscreen? You remarked before we embarked on our journey that you, and I quote, burn like a Roman candle.”

“I-I’m telling you it’s not like that. I’m not getting a sunburn,” I shouted.

“Then the only other logical conclusion is that you were blushing,” she said.

“Since organics only blush when they are feeling embarrassed or is drinking or is sexually aroused, my question is this: why were you embarrassed?”

“W-where did you learn that!?”

“Learn what? That people blush?”

“No, that people blush when they were sexually aroused. What did they teach you during CAST basic education?”

“I’m not a child. I was just browsing some articles on the Ethernet and I came across one on blushing.”

“Why?”
“To learn more about the subtleties of human emotions,” she said.

I paused for a moment. “Just give me the sunscreen, Vivienne.”

“Were you…aroused?”

“No! I mean, just…why? Why would I be aroused by what you said?”

“What I said?”

“My voice. You said you thought it was nice to hear my, err... voice.”

“Why are you embarrassed about that?”

“It’s just that…I…We…J-just give me that sunscreen already!”

Vivienne hopped off her mount, reached inside her bag, and pulled out my sunscreen. It’s a miracle I haven’t burned yet given my skin burns so easily.
When I reached for the sunscreen, Vivienne suddenly pulled it away.

“Real funny. Now hand it over,” I said. I reached for it only for her to pull it away again.

“Not until you calm down and apologize,” she said with a smile.



*******************

And that's it so far. I'll post the progress here if that is okay with you guys.

Seth Astra
Jun 5, 2010, 01:07 AM
That last bit of dialogue made me laugh. So far, so good.

NeonaPulsar
Jun 5, 2010, 01:35 AM
I like the level of conversation and look forward to the rest of the story, good work.


Any tips on making the dialogue between the two characters less awkward? Because that is how I'm reading it so far.


Life is awkward, I like the realizum in your dialogue....

Fhin
Jun 5, 2010, 10:32 AM
So you've chosen the true ending from PSPo1 which I also like more than the normal ending where Vivienne disappears with Helga, sealing the rift from the inside and you can stay with the guardians...very sad...:no:

For the story:
I really like it.
It's a good beginning that you start with the reflection what have happened in the near past (like the true ending of PSPo1) so the reader gets some information ahead.
I'm really looking forward to the next part of the story. Go on with the good work.
:heartcookie:

Lahael
Jun 5, 2010, 04:17 PM
*Deleted for the sake of surprise*

NeonaPulsar
Jun 5, 2010, 07:55 PM
*Summons a butterfly net and hands it to Lahael
"Its a good way to catch bunnies, LOL

Lahael
Jun 6, 2010, 02:35 PM
*Deleted for the sake of surprise*

Seth Astra
Jun 6, 2010, 02:39 PM
Seems good. However, I'd like it if you didn't post the concepts of what you're writing. That way, when you post the full chapter, it'll have more impact.

Fhin
Jun 6, 2010, 05:58 PM
[...]That way, when you post the full chapter, it'll have more impact.

Aye!~ :cat:

Lahael
Jun 7, 2010, 10:37 PM
I was thinking of doing something of a rewrite of Phantasy Star Episode 3 while telling the events of Episode 2 from Sorlin and Vivienne's perspective. Your thoughts? I just felt like Episode 3 was such a disappointment.

Lahael
Jun 8, 2010, 10:22 PM
Fhin, mind if I add you to my contact list for MSN? My MSN is [email protected].

Fhin
Jun 9, 2010, 06:34 AM
I don't mind, feel free to add. ^^

Lahael
Jun 9, 2010, 02:55 PM
Sorlin Ari Niedra (Protagonist)
Human Male
Braver (Main Weapons: Saber and Handgun)
Age: 21
Description:
Sorlin was once a member of the private security force, the GUARDIANS, but was discharged for refusing to abandon Vivienne when she was forcibly discharged for being an unwilling patsy for Helga and the Illuminus. He now travels with Vivienne in search of members of the Illuminus so that another HIVE will not be created.
Sorlin is a very deep, intense person, there is always more than meets the eye. He presents a cool, detached and unemotional air to the world yet lying underneath is tremendous power, extreme strength, intense passion and a strong will and a persistent drive. He has a very penetrative mind and always wants to know why, where and any other possible detail he can possibly know. He is very weary of the games that other people try to play and is very aware of it and tends to dominate and control anyone that lets them, or anyone that he finds weak. The person that Sorlin respects and holds close to them is treated with amazing kindness, loyalty and generosity. On the outside, Sorlin has great secretiveness and mystery. This magnetically draws people to him. He is known to be controlling and too ambitious but only because he needs control for this makes him feel safe.
Sorlin has a revengeful streak and a long memory for past hurts. Sometimes he’s downright spiteful. When he suffers, he makes sure others suffer along with him. Sometimes, he may even use deception to get what he wants and to influence others to stay out of his way. He may even believe these untruths and unrealistic fears will grow on him. Once in a while, he may come across someone that just rubs him on the wrong side for no apparent reason and he will make it his mission to bury him or her.

Activities:
Sorlin spends much of his time hunting down key members of the Illuminus with Vivienne. He also spends time reminiscing about his childhood friends from the street gang he used to run with , Sakal in particular.

Vivienne (Emotion)
CAST Female
Hunter (Main Weapon: Double Saber)
Age: 5 Months
Description:
Vivienne is first believed to be a special CAST type model that surpasses those of the Lou type, later revealed to be a copy-cast of Helga Neumann. She is very passionate person and is often envious of humans. She is perceived throughout the story as 'different' by other characters because of her build and abilities to express different emotions, as well as analyze different emotions like actual living beings would.
Vivienne is a mysterious CAST, filled with contradictions. She wants security and comfort yet she seeks new adventures. She is very helpful to others yet sometimes can be cranky and indifferent. She is very unpredictable. With Vivienne, there is always something more that meets the eye, for she are always partially hidden behind the shell. She has a deep psyche and intuitive mind that is hidden from the world, everyone except for Sorlin. Vivienne is deeply sensitive and easily hurt. This might be why she has their defense shell in place, to avoid being hurt by others. She is a nurturer so she surrounds herself with people, whom after a while can offend or hurt her without even knowing they did so, therefore Vivienne’s protective shell keeps her safe from hurt. She is complex, fragile, unpredictable and temperamental and need constant support and encouragement, more than any others, Vivienne needs to be needed. When Vivienne gets the support it needs, she has a tremendous amount to offer in return. When Vivienne gets offended, she tends to sulk instead of confronting the persons face to face. This needlessly prolongs the pain and suffering. Vivienne is very possessive, not just with material possessions but with people as well. Vivienne will always want to stay in touch with old friends and anyone who has ever been close to them, because it is easier to maintain a friendship then attempt to learn to trust a new person. It is easier this way for them emotionally. Vivienne would make the perfect mother. She offers her unconditional love and caring more so then any other. She is very intuitive. She has an excellent memory and is very observant and can read people very and can usually tell of other people's intentions are good or not. Vivienne has a lot of emotional issues to deal with but once she overcomes this large hump of shyness and insecurity, there is practically nothing she can't do. With her strong intuition, sensitivity, powers of observation and intelligence, she will have great success in anything she’ll undertake.
Vivienne can get carried away with emotions - her anger is overwhelming and her sadness can depress all those around her. She’s also ultra-sensitive to other people’s emotions and is affected by these as well. She tends to react before she thinks and then brood about what she may have done or said wrong.
She is also prone to periods of morbidity, thinking dark thoughts. Feelings of insecurity creep in now and then, making her snappish or else she tries to win the approval of everyone at her expense.

Activities:
Vivienne spends her time hunting down key members of the Illuminus with Sorlin. She is also fond with discussing the nature of humanity with Sorlin.

Arwen (Contagonist)
Human/Newman Female
Braver (Main Weapons: Saber and TCSM)
Age: 75
Description:

Arwen is self-reliant, manipulative, and wary of the intentions of others. Despite these traits, Arwen is not the cruel, cold-hearted manipulator that people dismiss her as. She has a softer side to her personality that was more apparent when she is around Sorlin.

Arwen exists in the mind, everything is inside. To the world, Arwen presents a calm and collected exterior but on the inside, nervous uncontrolled intensity in the mind, trying to figure things out, how to improve everything, analyzing and thinking. Arwen has a constant drive to improve and perfect, this can lead to extreme pickiness and finickiest. Arwen is self-reliant, manipulative, and wary of the intentions of others.

Arwen has a martyr complex, feeling that she was put on this earth to do good work and not receive any credit for it. She tends to be ultra critical of herself and others and she also worries about things that are beyond her control. A little pessimistic sometimes, she tends to be an intellectual snob. She bottles up all her insecurities and fears, and hesitates to reach out for help. And once in a while, she becomes a busybody- that's when she also feels responsible for other people's problems.

Activities:
Arwen spends her time manipulating others to gain what she believes is her right to own.

Sakal Kendick Xidgol (Antagonist)
Human/Beast Male
Braver (Main Weapons: Twin Sabers)
Age: 21
Description:
Sakal strongly projects his personality onto others and can be very self-oriented. He tends to venture out into the world and leave impressions on others that he is exciting, vibrant and talkative. He tends to live an adventurous life and likes to be the center of attention, but rightly so since he is a natural, confident leader. He is enthusiastic about his goals and enjoys the thrill of the hunt, "wanting is always better then getting" is a good way to sum it up. He is very impulsive and usually does not think before he acts - or speaks.
A warrior at heart, Sakal thrives on challenges and any strife and dramas and is tempted to stir things up, just to keep himself happy. He is also rather intolerant of mistakes and doesn’t have patience for weakness or failings in others. And sometimes, he can be quite a snob as well. He likes to be seen at the right places or wear the right clothes.

Activities:
Sakal spends his time carrying out his orders for Howzer. When no new orders are available, he spends his time causing trouble at local bars or nightclubs and has no qualms about attacking non-human species.

Tatsuya Takahashi (Skeptic)
Newman Male
Braver (Main Weapons: Wand and Handgun)
Age 32
Description:
Tatsuya faces the galaxy with dismissive apathy and sarcasm. His laid-back attitude and unwillingness to take a position of responsibility often jarred with Arwen's grimness as the two travel together. He is also dismissive of other races, calling CASTs “trash compactors”, Beast’s “animals”, and humans as the “inferior species”. Having been betrayed and tricked numerous times, Tatsuya is slow to trust others, yet appreciated when others trusted him. He also liked to impress people he respected, not wanting them to think badly of him. He was naturally cocky, giving the appearance that he breezed through life without a care and his emotions are in almost constant turmoil. Tatsuya is also a man who stubbornly refuses to give up, often standing to rejoin a fight even when seriously wounded. He furthermore relied on his gut instincts to see him through.
On the rare occasion Tatsuya loses his temper, he can turn into a savage beast. He seems to need an audience as well, to help boost his confidence and ego, sometimes. Other times, he gets caught up in the outward dramas of his life that he neglects what he’s feeling inside. This results in a delayed reaction when emotions sneak up on him and he gets hit with a whammy. He also tends to be proud and aggressive, cloaking these with his charm. When things don't go his way, he gets impatient and may even throw a tantrum.

Activities:
Tatsuya spends his days drinking and chasing petty crooks and beautiful women on Neudaiz.

Silvia Hamasaki (Sidekick)
Newman Female
Force (Main Weapon: Rod)
Age: 15
Description:
Silvia is the diplomat of the group. She is able to put herself in other's shoes and see things through another person's point of view. She is the one that always want to make things right and have balance and harmony in her life, her surroundings and the lives of the people close to her. She has a captivating charm, elegant taste and is easy to like due to her eager-to-please, easygoing nature. In return for Silvia’s amazing ability to be a good listener, sooth and calm people, she expects admiration.
Silvia will gather a group of people, everyone will become friends then Silvia will be in the center of the group. She likes the attention and the admiration for the people that she have brought together. Silvia is very intelligent, which she often hides this inside her easygoing exterior. She expresses her intelligence through creativity, most are involved in some sort of artistic or creative pursuit. Many people overlook just how intelligent she actually is. When others see Silvia’s wide range of interests and hobbies, her intelligence and creativity is more than obvious. Silvia loves variety and different situations. She welcomes change and loves luxury. She will spend lots of money and surround herself with beautiful things and she will seem to be constantly fussing over her appearance. She loves anything upscale and classy. Silvia works hard to please others, this they do an others find her incredibly captivating.
Her inability to reach a decision in matters of personal action, however, is legendary. She likes to weigh all the alternatives and hear every side of an argument -but this may take time and opportunities may pass her by because of it. She also likes to expand energy on people who may not deserve it - She wants to help the underdog. She is also sensitive to criticism and may take mild statements of fact very personally.

Activities:
Silvia thieves and schemes on Moatoob along with the other orphans in order to provide them with adequate food and water. When she’s not, she is often dreaming of living in luxury.

Reeve Carson Calway (Guardian)
Beast Male
Braver (Main Weapon: Dual Handguns)
Age: 45
Description:
Reeve, like most Beasts, is the one who has immense perseverance. Even when others have given up, Reeve rages on. Reeve has a well known reputation for being stubborn, which is not necessarily a bad thing. The stubborn streak can cause Reeve to butt heads and conflict with others. Reeve is not fond of change. He likes the familiar and routine comfort of life. Reeve is easy going and not one to pick a fight but should some poor souls attempt to provoke Reeve, the wrath will be known, for they have a temper underneath the calm surface. Reeve is very responsive to his surroundings. He likes decorations, color, anything that appeals to all the senses. Reeve likes possessions and his home is nicely decorated with lots of things. Reeve is down to earth, does not like gaudy, flashy or over the top things. He prefers comfortable and creative settings and objects. Reeve likes security, in every aspect of his life from home, to love, to career. He can be secretive, opinionated and stingy. Reeve tends to be self-indulgent and lazy and is known to be a master procrastinator. He does however have a strong, persistent drive that comes to life when he chooses, and no one would ever know that he is lazy. The secret to this is that his laziness is pushed aside when it comes to himself.
Reeve is stubborn and likes to hold onto things, not wanting to let go of anything or anyone. He is slow to anger, but when he does get worked up to a rage -everyone steps aside! He also has a selfish streak and can be quite sneaky as well. And although people may see him as helpful and agreeable, he sometimes has an inner struggle wanting the approval of others while sticking to his own opinions. He also tends to be suspicious of others and question their motives

Activities:
An ex-Guardian and a drunkard who spends his days in Gawik's Pub drowning the sorrows of his past experiences in alcohol.

Selene Bella Onone (Reason)
Human Female
Ranger (Main Weapon: Shotgun)
Age: 24
Description:
Selene is a very ambitious person. She always has something she is pursuing and she wants her life to be fulfilled and important. She is extremely patient and will wait a long time for something she wants, when the opportunity arises, she will plan her steps carefully to others, she might appear hesitant but this is not true, sheknows that there is only one chance to succeed and she are filing together her information to take the proper steps to accomplish her goal with flying colors, not just second rate. Selene has a very active mind and strong powers of concentration. She likes being in control of her surroundings and everyone in her life. Selene is very cautious but this only to survey the situation before leaping in, she will never make a hasty jump in. Selene does accept change but prefers it to be introduced slowly so she can get used to it and incorporate it into her life. Selene tends to see life in black or white, definitive's only. There are no gray areas for these are areas that are not understood and this makes Selene feel uncomfortable. She tends to be in control in a romantic relationship that way she is never vulnerable to another person.
Selene is rather materialistic and it is fueled by her fears of financial disaster. This makes her complain about monetary woes, irritating many with her obnoxious attitude. She is also a social climber, manipulating her way up the ladder; name-dropping all the way to the top. Once in a while, she’ll have morbid thoughts about Death, something that scares her because she has no control over it. She tends to be obsessive about her mortality sometimes.

Activities:
Selene is busy training her students on the planet of Moatoob who has ambitions to be president of the GUARDIANS. She is saddled with many domestic duties that drive her to boredom.

Fhin
Jun 9, 2010, 04:07 PM
Nicely done on all of the chars although I've never seen such an old contagonist but could be coming out very interesting. ^^

Lahael
Jun 9, 2010, 09:42 PM
A friend of mine brought up an interesting point:

"Okay, so what does each of these people want and need, internally and externally? The external arc is usually related to the plot lines of the story itself. Resolving the arcs, internal and external = story."

I guess I should go back and revise my character descriptions.

The Last Baron
Jun 10, 2010, 02:20 AM
Character bios are for the author, not for the reader. The reader's job is to build the character from the story. The author's job is to convey his character through the story. Giving people the characters flat out before the story is totally not the point.

Lahael
Jun 10, 2010, 11:40 AM
Character bios are for the author, not for the reader. The reader's job is to build the character from the story. The author's job is to convey his character through the story. Giving people the characters flat out before the story is totally not the point.

This is merely a work in progress. I'm trying to get all the planning done before I go ahead and rewrite the story. This isn't final. The bios are subject to change.

Lahael
Jun 10, 2010, 09:47 PM
I'm really beginning to doubt this project. Not sure if it's really worth all the effort. A friend of mind keeps saying she doesn't know where I'm going with this story. Neither do I anymore.

Seth Astra
Jun 10, 2010, 11:07 PM
Keep going. You've actually posted yours. I havn't even done that with mine.

Lahael
Jun 11, 2010, 12:03 AM
Someone posted a response on my fanfic. More than enough reason to abandon the project entirely...

http://www.twilightsucks.com/forum/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=51&t=21886&p=936958#p936958