(not exactly a rant)Years of stress

[Mystil]

have damaged my heart and I know it, because I can feel the effects. Even now as I type this, I am not well, coupled with a relapse of depression. I almost can't believe I wanted to kill myself over people that didn't treat me well. It was a horrible feeling and I'm glad I'm over that and value my life more.

As of this year, I have to try relaxing and not letting things I can't control get me down.

I'll probably talk a lot less (online at least) as I seem to get misunderstood very easily, prompting me to explain myself every time. Either way, I'll get stressed out. Basically avoiding things that will stress me out.

My primary goal in my life I WILL achieve will come next year when I move out. I look forward to it. I look forward to being free, both mentally and emotionally. My mom was the biggest source of stress in my whole life. And if it comes sooner, I'm fine with it.

Other goals I have, I'm doing this year... like Im gonna stop being such a potty mouth, I consider that to be an important step to start with. If it's even possible to be somewhat how I was when I was younger - this will probably come after I settled on my own for a few years.

My life is probably shortened from all the prolonged stress. When my heart and mind has healed, I shall live out the rest of my life was smooth as possible.

[Sayara]

And thats what you can only do. Protect yourself from these things.

[Mystil]

It's just false hope. I know damn well my life isn't gonna get any better. I want revenge. I wanna seriously hurt those that abandoned me, and those that don't even give me a chance. I've never been more serious about anything in my life. I'm done trying to be polite and nice and all that bullshit.

[CelestialBlade]

You're never gonna find happiness living your life wanting revenge. That's just letting those that hurt you win. Trust me, I know how that feels. Being successful and happy in life is the biggest "fuck you" you can give to abusive people anyway.

Focus on moving forward and don't look back.

[DreXxiN]

It's going to sound dismissive and you might think I'm an asshole but: It could be worse...way worse.

That's the only way I've ever prepared myself for anything. Preparation remedies everything.

[gigawuts]

If these people are trying their damnedest to bring you down, why would you ever intentionally follow them even further?

They only want to see other people suffer because they can't acknowledge their own misery and handle it themselves, and you'd be giving them exactly that.

edit: If you really, really, really want to get at these people, here's my advice: Don't. These kinds of people only do this to other people because they're too miserable to handle their own shit. They want other people around them. The people around us are a sort of anchor; The more we have, the more stable we feel - sometimes people don't even care the kind of attention they get.

So how do you get back at them? You don't do it by feeding their habits. You do it by abandoning them. Don't give them anything at all. Forget them. Do not acknowledge them at all. Try your best to move on and make them realize they were so little of an influence in your life that you've utterly forgotten about them.

Get back at them by not getting back at them at all. Lead a happy, healthy life, and don't include them.

[.Rusty.]

Obsessing over revenge won't get you anywhere. Chances are you won't get it and if you do there will be collateral damage that will come back to bite you in the ass.

Also people unrelated to the situation will pick up on the anger / bitterness which will cause more people to have have their guard up around you and not give you a chance.

[Sayara]

Besides, Revenge resolution is only a short time fix.

I was involved with a sticky romance problem a few years back. My friends told me i ought to of cut the genitalia off the guy who did it. It would of been great. The great rush of satisfaction of doing such wicked things to a man who destroyed my heart.

But, then what? That just doesn't disappear off into nothingness. You're now a murderer. or an assaulter yourself. Is that totally worth it?
It isn't

[Wyndham]

It's just false hope. I know damn well my life isn't gonna get any better. I want revenge. I wanna seriously hurt those that abandoned me, and those that don't even give me a chance. I've never been more serious about anything in my life. I'm done trying to be polite and nice and all that bullshit.

I'm sorry about all this. I hope you can leave it behind. Try to leave it behind you. Look ahead towards the good, instead of back towards the bad. I have had some similar problems. I have a disorder, and a symptom is severe depression, and some people made it even worse. I can feel how this is very bad. Don't let them get to you.

[Mystil]

It's more or less, popular people that are bringing me down..if I rid the world of them, I'd have a chance.. It's jealously I guess. And angry that I lie to myself everyday that I'm ok being alone. Then I go to a block and see a group of people chatting and enjoying each other and I just die inside and immediately leave.

You can say I'm per-emptively causing this on myself or whatever.. but I have no where else to go and no other options but my anger. I have to live with the fact that I'm perhaps judged in secrecy without them even bothering to get to know me better. I can make a list here of people I wish I could be friends with but it's not gonna happen. As a matter of fact if you find yourself quoted by me frequently, and it's not me being against you that's me reaching out to you. I have subtle ways of trying to change my life for the better. In PSO2 I was ok for awhile when I met my friend popuri. Then she disappeared. Funny cause she did say she worried what would happen to me if she had to stop playing. Even funnier when we ran together, the friends she made didn't bother befriending me. It was like I was invisible. I think some of them were annoyed that I was always with her. She was.. a good friend. A type of friend I was looking for.

A type of person that seems to appear in my life every few years... So who's next and when..?

Friend... I'm starting to hate that word..

I don't like opening up like this and it's not even everything. I don't like always having to be in a damn shell in the forums, and I know what will happen should I come out of it, cause what's keeping me in it is there to begin with. I don't fit in here, but I am here simply cause I'm an oldie =/

*sigh* I have said multiple versions of this. . . .throughout the years. this is useless man. . . .

[.Rusty.]

::scratches head::

umm do you wanna be friends with everyone you meet? Some people just ain't compatible :-?

Oh and everybody is not secretly judging you. Most of them are too busy worrying about being judged themselves.

[CelestialBlade]

Spend less time blaming others and making excuses. Once you find yourself and what you want to be and you start being yourself instead of some idyllic persona, people will find you. If you want something, work towards it.

[BIG OLAF]

I won't lie, it feels delicious to hurt those who once hurt you. I've exacted revenge upon people who betrayed me before, and it felt good. But, it's still not worth it. It ends up making a bigger mess than anything else, and makes your true friends think much less of you.

Like everyone else said, ignoring them and keeping true to your own path is the best revenge you can get. I used to be obsessed with what people thought of me, and tried to please everyone. Now, I don't care. There are many who don't like me for the silliest of reasons (or, even no reason), but that will happen to any and everyone.

As for the loneliness part, I've always been a big proprietor of the "fuck other people and enjoy your own company" clause, but lately I've been feeling more and more empty with no one to hang out with. Weekends come and go and all I do is stay home while other people go have fun with friends. It's starting to get old, but I know there's pretty much no way I can change it due to crippling anxiety issues. I'm finally starting to bud out of my 'miserable hermit' phase, but where to go from here, I don't know. I forgot how to make friends, since I haven't made a (physical) friend in probably seven years at least, and I always think to myself "I'm a huge fucking freak, no one is gonna wanna be my friend, anyway. I'm weird." So, I'm somewhat with you there.

[Ezodagrom]

It's more or less, popular people that are bringing me down..if I rid the world of them, I'd have a chance.. It's jealously I guess. And angry that I lie to myself everyday that I'm ok being alone. Then I go to a block and see a group of people chatting and enjoying each other and I just die inside and immediately leave.

You can say I'm per-emptively causing this on myself or whatever.. but I have no where else to go and no other options but my anger. I have to live with the fact that I'm perhaps judged in secrecy without them even bothering to get to know me better. I can make a list here of people I wish I could be friends with but it's not gonna happen. As a matter of fact if you find yourself quoted by me frequently, and it's not me being against you that's me reaching out to you. I have subtle ways of trying to change my life for the better. In PSO2 I was ok for awhile when I met my friend popuri. Then she disappeared. Funny cause she did say she worried what would happen to me if she had to stop playing. Even funnier when we ran together, the friends she made didn't bother befriending me. It was like I was invisible. I think some of them were annoyed that I was always with her. She was.. a good friend. A type of friend I was looking for.

A type of person that seems to appear in my life every few years... So who's next and when..?

Friend... I'm starting to hate that word..

I don't like opening up like this and it's not even everything. I don't like always having to be in a damn shell in the forums, and I know what will happen should I come out of it, cause what's keeping me in it is there to begin with. I don't fit in here, but I am here simply cause I'm an oldie =/

*sigh* I have said multiple versions of this. . . .throughout the years. this is useless man. . . .

As someone who doesn't make close friends easily (let's just say that the few people I felt close with ended hurting me someway, some in a small way, others in a not so small way, maybe I was unlucky the few times I let my defenses down, but past is past, not going to say anything more than that) I guess I can understand what you're saying, but, thinking that you're lieing to yourself when you say that you're okay with being alone is not going to do any good to you.

Of course being alone is not as fun as having close friends, but it's also not too bad either.
I think the best thing you can do is try to think more about the positive things in your life than the negative things, try to do more things that you have fun doing, try to avoid things that make you feel unhappy.

In real life I tend to be a loner (I'm really no good at socializing), but trying as much as I can to look at life in a positive way, doing things that I enjoy, while I'm not really sure I can say that I'm happy, one thing I can say for sure, I don't feel unhappy. Alot of times I actually appreciate the time that I have for myself.

In-game (PSO2), I have a few friends there, and I hang out in the lobby in block 20 (ship 2) alot, occasionally randomly talking with whoever happens to be there, and sometimes I just act silly with random lobby actions, without worrying about what others may think or not think of me.

Hmm, I'm not really good at giving advice about this type of things, but hope this is useful somehow... ^^;

[Noblewine]

Trust me being alone isn't fun and I spent alot of my time playing PSU too much. The people I met on that game were just "acquaintances" but I enjoyed hanging out and learning the game instead of soloing. I enjoyed soloing but the game was a little better when you had someone to play it with. I didn't like it when some people I met disappeared on me and I had a stupid way of getting upset about it and will admit that I didn't act appropriately about it. I'll admit it was my fault and they should be upset with me. Apologizing probably wouldn't help but I feel as I got some guilt off of my chest regardless of still being hated or resented for my temper or attitude.
Defeating depressing is really hard and its been pretty tough after psu shut down. I also learned some pretty hard lessons about life, friendship and betrayal. Plotting revenge against the people who hurt you isn't wise; stooping to their level is just as foolish and I had to learn that the hard way when I was backstabbed over a girl I tried to go out with and learned she choose to go out with someone else who decided to rub his life in my face by bully me. All the arguing accomplished nothing and just made me bitter about the whole mess. The fact that I am treated as a the bad guy still pissed me off and makes me wonder what I did wrong when I didn't do anything.
All I can say is its best to just enjoy your hobbies because they compensate and keep you out of trouble. That's how I look it.

[Mystil]

..I really wish I could come back to my topics like this to post that things have gotten up and up. But they haven't. Only a change in mentality.

What hurt the most is when my co-worker, who I considered to be my closest friend, just stop talking to me after her met his new wife, he only talks to her, and throughout most of the night at work if he can get away with it. The guy totally flipped the script. And I have to deal with this silence every day at work, it is not easy to cope with. We used to talk about EVERYTHING and I never had to "chase him down". I tried and tried to initiate conversations with him but he's just unresponsive for the most part. My number 1 rule I always follow no matter what is never ignore people, but I hate it to the core when someone ignores me, especially when I did not a damn thing wrong. Or I guess he was just waiting for his life to get awesome, so he can drop the guy with the only thing going good for him in his life is his job. I guess he forgot, how his ex wife walked out on him for some chump in north carolina, and I was there when he was crying his ass off. Geez I even went to his damn house to keep him company. This fucking angers me.

Ahem...

One night it bothered me to the point of quitting cause I dont wont to work with him anymore, to which I had to call my mom, hell I had to talk to somebody before I did something stupid.

She changed my mentality. I have to be my own best friend. If people will "nut up" on me one day, there is always one person that's there for me..and that's me.

Edit: I'll tell you what my mom told me shortly after she gave me a hug: "It'll be alright. Don't like others stank ways bring you down. things will get better". I am slightly hopeful. Her life crashed when she was in her 30s and things didn't get better until her mid 40s. Perhaps Im going down the same road. Either way, I'll survive this.

[RLbitClassica]

I've been in(still am?) in the same boat as you. Constantly depressed, no friends and no hope for things to get better. In truth, most of those things still bother me now, I've just learned to put up with them. One thing that has happened to me that significantly improved my life is moving out of my parents house. Despite the fact that I'm a social mess and have no real reasons for living, there was a morale boost once I had taken that first step. Now I was free. Things still suck, but I have the freedom to make whatever choices I want to make in life. This is something that has really helped me. From one of your previous posts, I take it that you still live with your mom, yes? If so, I suggest that you move out as soon as it's a viable option and you can afford it. I think you will find that life does get at least a little better.