The Depression Thread

[Sciler]

<font face=times new roman color=red>Ok, I've got one of these on another message board I'm on, and well, everyone needs someone to talk to sometimes, so I made this thread. This is here so people realise they are never alone. I will at very least always listen, its just the way I am. If you want advice, post here and I will try my best. I've been through abuse of 3 kinds, so if anyone wants to talk about that, i'm here. If you just want to vent about something to get stuff off your chest, feel free. I know I will every once in a while http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_wink.gif If you dont feel right about posting something here, my email or AIM are always open to any who need it as well. <center>

[Neojin]

OH come on you cant do that your taking money away from my Shrink http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_razz.gif

[Ambrai]

I'm lonley talk to me /pout

/jk

But due to the massive ammount of mail I have recieved from the National Guild of Shrinks. I may have to lock/delete this thread. Depends on how big the bribes are.... Check back for further updates.

[Sciler]

<font face=times new roman color=red>He's probably got too much money anyways http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_wink.gif Man, my other thread on the other board has about 30+ pages to it...i could be rich lol...but alas, I guess this is my good deed I enjoy doing http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_smile.gif I like to help people feel better.<center>

[Pollo_loco]

Most shrinks are stupid and quick to medicate. Easy way out, take a pill for all your problems. Jus tlike people don't want to have to work to lose weight, they'd rather pop something in their mouth so they can keep sucking back their burgers and sitting on their asses. Noone wants to take the time to listen to your problems and help you find solutions to them, or just ease the burden by hearing you out. Noble cause, Sciler. Very nice of you.

[Sciler]

<font face=times new roman color=red>Thank you Pollo. I try my best....and have been very successful. I've been told I should do this for a living, but I dont want to go to school, just to get a diploma so I can do it. I dont need to go to school for how to listen to someone. Thats all most people want. My Depression Thread on another message board is 32 pages long, with about 15-20 posts per page. Thats a lot of listening that was needed. I enjoy helping people http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_smile.gif<center>

[Pollo_loco]

I've studied psychology, and I've been in therapy. Psychologist and psychiatrists tend to have an overly clinical standpoint when it comes to your problems. They're rarely compassionate - mainly because it makes it that much harder if you let things get muddled with your own feelings while trying to understand another person's. Unfonrtunately, most people are looking for someone compassionate to hear their problems, and don't get what they are looking for when submitting themselves to "treatment". I don't present myself as a solution to your problems, but if you want to talk, I'll listen.

[Sciler]

<font face=times new roman color=red>Yeah, I've been through therapy and counceling myself. The councelling wasnt bad at all, as the lady there knew a lot and mostly just listened to me, or helped me understand what had happened to me. Where as the other person seemed to just tell me things I already knew, nothing to help me feel better.

And I have an over abundance of compassion so I think thats why I like to help so much. BUT before I can offer my opinion or advice if its wanted, I also like getting the full story, I hate being lied to. I keep everything in confidence and just want the truth be told to me if someones confiding in me.

I'm just a wierd person I guess, but seeing others become happy from help I've given them is enough payment for me.<center>

[Ratsmack]

Well, first of all, good job, Sciler, nice to see someone willing to help others selflessly. Second, psychiatrists are crap. They just line their walls with books they probably never read and diplomas from wherever and just nod and write doodles in their pads. One of the psychiatrists my mom forced me to go asked about my pets and what their names were. *cough* QUACK *cough*. They're all like that. They just sit and listen and blather some nonsense that a two-year-old could come up with and get paid for it...sheesh. Want good advice? Go to a friend, or someone who's not getting paid for it. Money motivates otherwise.

[Tristan]

I have to admit that this game is geting me down. I find that because I am either a) male or b) lacking in rare items I don't have many PSO friends. http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_frown.gif Most people I meet never mail me, even in response to my messages. It's not even like I'm coming on like a weirdo, just "hey hows it goin?" type stuff. It came to a hed for me last night when a little jerk Ranger was bossing us around with POOR leadership, getting ahead of us, looting killing B4 we cold get hits, etc..., For christ's sake he put a TP in the last room of Nightmare 3 and expected us to realize this without running into the room like blithering idiots after bursting in. He demanded my card. I gave it to him (I almost never refuse) yet he would not give me his. "Sorry man I get to much mail, I'm in like 5 clans. Maybe when you level up I'll give it to you" well la de da...Piss of wanker! sorry I'm not in a clan, I'm sorry that Sega makes crapy merchandise resulting in 3 defective DCs each time loosing my serial number. I might have a maxed out Chr too but I HAVE A FREAKIN LIFE!

Sorry needed to Vent... I play this game to make friends and have fun. If anyone would like to do this, I'll be at the gathering tonite. Feel free to e-mail me:
[email protected]

PS Phychritrist's often amount to to most difficult drug dealers I've ever had to deal with but I found one that changed my life. Don't knock them all. I went through several since the age of 10, my last one found the problem, diagnosed me, and got me the propler treatment, and I haven't been seriously depressed in 3 years. I am more than willing to share this experience with anyone interested, this bein a "depression" link and all..

Redefine Communities, Universally

With Hot-wired, fiber optic, Connectivity

We maintain the media's release

of the status quo ID, that we all seem to be.



http://www.bluehairedfreak.net/recent_work/koil.jpg

<font size=1>[ This message was edited by: Tristan on 2001-03-10 14:13 ]</font>

[Tristan]

DAMN! I'm a lousy typest sorry for tall the SPs above. I'm not an idiot, really .

[Sciler]

<font face=times new roman color=red>Tristan I emailed ya.

And thanks Rat. Yeah, I didnt like most psychiatrists I met either. I know all arent bad, but ive just always noticed most people when depressed just want someone to talk to and listen, and not judge them for it. Ive heard some fairly common stories, or heart wrenching ones, to the just plain odd ones...but I dont care. If it makes someone feel better to talk to me about whatever, then I can sign off with a smile. Just gives me that warm fuzzy feeling inside http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_wink.gif<center>

[webslinger516]

Well, I often found myself depressed off and on during the last few years mainly because I have panic disorder with agoraphobia. I would be interested to find out and talk to anyone out there with the same diagnosis or similar. Just e-mail me at [email protected] or go ahead and post it here.

[Sciler]

<font face=times new roman color=red>I dont sadly, or not bad if I do. I dont like being in places where I feel closed in, im not really claustrophobic, i just dont like my personal space to me trotted into lol. Ya, im wierd, i like it this way tho http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_wink.gif<center>

[grinner]

hey... in your experience are the David Burns MD Depressionanxietyrelationship tests accurate?

[Pollo_loco]

I have neither taken nor encountered the Burns Depression checklist - as far as I'm concerned, checklists are only good for assessing generalized symptoms that have been stereotyped for specific disorders. So, you have a test that labels you as something... it can be wrong or right, or varying shades of wrong or right - what are you gonna do with that information, now? Looking for the David Burns test with google, it seems to be more an online thing, than anything. I'm incredibly weary of those online tests - I mean, you can just go through the DSM, and you've got a checklist for symptoms right there. How many times do you have to elaborate on that? What are you gonna do about it? Assessment, diagnosis, treatment - and treatment being a prescription - it's all too f!@$ing clinical.

For further information, see www.mentalhealth.com (http://www.mentalhealth.com)
www.planetpsych.com (http://www.planetpsych.com)
www.lorenbennett.org (http://www.lorenbennett.org)

Or, send me an e-mail, or something.

[webslinger516]

No, i have no idea about those tests. Nah, I doubt you have claustrophobia, I think it's natural for everyone to want their own space.

[Pollo_loco]

Webslinger - I find it hard to relate to people. Are you more afraid of public places, open places, or places with large amounts of people? I can't stand crowds, but I can bear it if it's necessary.

[Sciler]

<font face=times new roman color=red>Has anyone been in shock before? If so, whats it like? I feel cold and numb and almost to a breaking point. I want to cry, but I dont want to cry. someone, if you can help, please do...

ive got a dear friend in teh hospital because he attempted, or didnt mean to, he was drunk, suicide. but he lost a lot of blood, and im still not sure how all this is going to turn out. God this sucks http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_frown.gif<center>

[jazzyfox]

It's.. I don't know, hard to describe. When my mom died 5 years ago, we were all there in the hospital room with her. She wasn't really concious, and went quietly. But I remember sitting and reading a book, then hearing someone say "she's gone". At that point I just went numb, and was almost thinking 'What do I do now?'. It was hard to think about it at 16, and still is. I guess I still go somewhat into it now when I think on it.. just blank out a little.. feel numb. That 'now what?' feeling comes back too. Erf. Sorry. This makes no sense I'm sure. :/

I think that cold, numb sort of feeling is fairly right on though. That's what I get. http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_razz.gif

[Sciler]

<font face=times new roman color=red>I'm so sorry hun. I havent experienced anyone that close family wise passing on. I'm terribly sorry, I can only attempt to imagine what that feels like. I hope it doesnt get to you too often, but if you ever need someone to talk to, you have my AIM.

yeah, i've been rather numb and out of it since it happened. i was talking to him, trying to get him to stop drinking when it happened. i wish I could have been there...but im glad he at least made it to the hospital, now its just a waiting game<center>

[Pollo_loco]

I think the closest I could come to what you describe would be some kind of nervous breakdown. It felt like that's what I was going through, anyway, and it's hard to talk about it. After stresses building up on you, and the vicissitudes of everyday life wearing you down, sometimes you just shut down... fall on your ass with not a thought in your head, softly rocking back and forth, arms wrapping around yourself in an attempt to shield the outside world away from you.

Shock is a common enough reaction to traumatic events, and it must have been quite a close friend to trigger a result in you like that. I hope he's recovering well and thinks better of his actions in the future. I'm happy that he has a friend like you to comfort him.

[Sciler]

<font color=red>I have had a breakdown before, i know its not that. I have so many thoughts in my head and emotions, but yet, im just numb...until one small thing can set me off, then I just cry..heh, not fun.

And as for my friend, well hes been waking up sometimes, but hes not talking to anyone now, not his friends or family who are there with him. But they have said that if he does talk, its sad and sounds almost like a madman. I dont know how things are going today, i havent heard anything yet. But he was saying he was sorry he let everyone down by not dying. I dont want him to give up so easily, i just want to kick his ass lol i swear ~sigh~ Hopefully next week will be better.<center>

[Pollo_loco]

Yeh... I used to be ruled by thoughts of suicide and worried that if I didn't do it right there'd be hell to pay. Kidney, liver, or muscle failure... paralysis, &c. Amazing what overdosing on sleeping pills can do to you if you don't do it right. But let's not talk about the right way to kill/mutilate yourself, mmkay? Happy thoughts, kiddies.

[Sciler]

<font color=red>I could never kill myself. I have too much to live for, too much life left to live. I could never, ever put my friends or family through that kind of pain, never. Those who do are simply selfish. Yeah, I'm having a bad time, but the good times later will make up for it. This moment will pass. I'll take the bad with the good. Thats just life<center>

[Pollo_loco]

Some people can't seem to understand how incredibly selfish the disease of depression can be, though. It's almost as damnable a way of thinking as beleiving that pills can solve your problems. The clinician asks you why you think you're depressed - you answer by showing the scars that you've inflicted upon yourself to divert emotional pain to physical pain (because you've convinced yourself that it hurts less? because it's a cry for help?). It seems no one needs to know how hurt you are, just that you shouldn't be feeling this way, that it's wrong to feel the way you do. It's not wrong, and it passes in time - when you're ready to let it, when you've finally accepted that whatever has happened to you has come and gone. Like Sciler said, you have to take the bad with the good. But I don't know who I'm telling this to, because it seems noone is seeing the need to post that they're feeling a bit blue to this board. I suppose that's what alt.support.depression is for. Well, I hope I'm finding you all in good mental health tonight...

[Sciler]

<font color=red>I think im the only messed up one at teh time being lol<center>

[Sciler]

<font color=red>I think im the only messed up one at teh time being lol<center>

[grinner]

Depression? Selfish?
I don't know where you get that. Sure they're values are all screwed up and they only think of themselves in the worst possible way, but you don't go over to them and say ' you're only that way because you're increadibly selfish'.

Might as well spit on them or kick them when they're down. What happens when they do make a little 'cry for help' and nobody does anything? And it happens again and again and they just $#!$ing give up. DO you still think that depression is something selfish?

I also beleive that depression is worse than a disease, because it causes them.

I really don't understand how the world of pain, despair & hopelessness is all just claimed to be any less painful or in need of less help by saying "They're being selfish". I'm not even going to go into when a whole culture is depressed (ever been to a Native American reservation?)

Sure if they destroy themselves it makes a living hell for others, something they're parents and families will never get over. But guess what, they can't say "this too shall pass", even if they want to. Hang out with some of them, they usually take things the worst possible way, can't break it becuase its a habit, they literally see their lives as a never ending cycle of defeat...

This makes me so angry knowing so many depressed and now I'm supposed to humor the idea they're selfish?

[Pollo_loco]

To my knowledge, my own malady was selfish... in fact, it still grips me from time to time, but I manage to beat it down for a bit. But to say that some people's values are screwed up? I think that rankles more. A lot of people feel depressed because they feel wronged in some way, because some event has brought injustice to their values. It took a while for someone to answer my "cry for help" - and I was kicked and spit on a couple times while waiting. I still think that my depression was selfish. I have every right to.

Depression causes disease, diseases cause depression. It's circular. Take, for example, depression : alcoholism :: alcoholism : depression.

I don't know how you consider your own feelings. Your thoughts and burdens are not mine to experience - I only relate to you what I've encountered. But I don't recall saying that what others experience is incredibly selfish/self-serving, nor do I recall saying that you should treat people like crap because they're not feeling too good about themselves.
I never said that the depressed don't need help (even though some refuse it), or are just experiencing some "imaginary" greivance that they have let themselves compound - just read my previous post again.

I haven't been to a Native American reservation, but I've been to a Native Canadian reservation (Micmac). I think the Inuit might have it the worst, but I've never met any of them to be able to tell your first-hand the expressions on their faces. I'm not a bleeding-heart crusader, but it would shake me terribly to the foundations of my being.

People can only say "this shall pass" if they want to beleive it - unfortunately, they've been forced into a habit. And, unfrotunately, some people don't find that living is the right answer.

Humour the idea? This is hardly a laughing matter. Do you think depression is selfless?

[Reaper]

OK my problem is that I am very stressed about 98% of the time I spend living!!!
I am almost constantly in a bad mood apart from when Im talking to my best friends which is not very often by the way!!

OK thats it...... or is it??

yes I am stressed at the moment of writing this too!!

[Sciler]

<font color=red>What's making you so stressed? School? Work?Women? whats up hun?

Have you ever tried meditiation or keeping a journal? Lighting incense? just closing off your room and putting on soothing music that sooths you? These things may sound kinda lame but its what I do depending upon how stressed I am and whatnot, but it always helps.<center>

[Breezblok]

I can sort of relate to you through personal experience, Sciler.I've thought about committing suicide numerous times...I tried it once, but I couldn't bear it. I'm usually really cheerful and outgoing at school and in public, and people always expect me to be like that in private too, but I get really lonely at home. I have a sister, but she's 19 and moving out soon, so I really don't have anyone to talk to, and my emotions get pent up, so I end up releasing them all in one burst. I really overreact to small things, stuff that shouldn't get at me, like my parents telling me off and stuff.....but after months of not being good enough, I get fed up, you know? I almost took my father's crossbow to my head once....I took the safety off and everything....but you're right, you can't just stop living like that...I still have friends and family that care about me, and who I care about. I can't just think of myself all the time. But I sometimes let my anger or sadness out in unorthadox ways. I've never had a family member die, but I get very emotional when pets die, and so on. I'm also really stressed about school, I'm coming up to GCSE and I'm really having a hard time coping....well I'd better stop clogging up the board, have a nice day all, I'm out.

[Castelak]

http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_frown.gif

[AdamW]

Yes, I have problems. Serious problems. Like why is my bellybutton so full of lint? I mean, it's so white I have to use a mini screwdriver to pick out the lint.

Eh sorry, I guess that is a bit distasteful, but that is how I deal with anything and everything; my default barrier to good, bad or just plain shitty things; humor.

Anyways, I'd like to go on the record stating that psychitrists suck. I went to one for a while and all the lady did was blab blab blab about her life while I just sat there and nodded and muttered "Uh huh." Then she kept telling me to do very gay things as if I were in some damn teeny bopper movie from hell. "Invite a friend over and cook some 'sgetti'" Argh. Gee, then after that we could have a pillow fight huh! God, that lady was a moron.

But onto my list of problems.

1. My father. It actually doesn't bother me anymore and I want nothing to do with him. He brought some damn whore into our home and then ran off with her. But as far as I am concerned, he doesn't exist.

2. Serious relationship problems. For starters I was with this girl for a while then we broke up and then I tried getting her back for like 9 months or more, all the while being treated like a giant sack of shit. Every night I would go to bed depressed and pissed off yet I always fell into the same cycle the next day. Now I just met a new friend and of course, stupid me went and fell in love with her. Problem is she had a bf, yet she still strung me along and pretended like she had an interest in me bc "she didnt want to hurt me". Well gee, it sure hurts a lot more when a girl tells you basically "You can't love me" than not stringing me along the whole damn time.

3. Social issues. I don't like people. That's pretty much it. A lot of people think it's unhealthy that I really don't have any friend and bla bla bla but it doesn't seem to bother me so I don't care much about this one.

That's pretty much all I would be willing to talk about. I'm just pretty bored right and theres not a damn thing on TV.

[Breezblok]

I know what you mean, I'd usually try to deal with situations like that using humour too, but after a while, I just get so depressed that the effort of using wit requires more effort than I can muster. Oh well.....I suppose the only thing you can do is deal with it, right? We all have different ways of dealing, but as long as they work, who cares, right? Problem is, mine doesn't. If I cry, or shout, or just sulk in my room, I'm acting 'like a little baby' or I'm taking things 'totally out of proportion'. Of course, when it's someone elses fault, I shouldn't criticise or accuse, I should take the blame myself. Best thing to do, right? That's what my father would suggest anyway. Don't get me wrong, it's not like he's an ogre or anything...I still love my parents very much, but I just wish they could be a little more sympathetic at times. Well, that's my guts spilled. See y'all later.

[AdamW]

You know what I do in some situations. I know, this sounds really...stupid and just makes me sound like a complete idiot but punching stuff really helps. I mean, don't go around punching every Tom, Dick and Harry in the mouth. Just find some nice...punchable object and let loose. Probably not for everyone (or very many for that matter, dunno) but it definetly helps me a lot.

[Sciler]

<font color=red>Well, heres a little on my background to explain why I think I can help people rather well compared to those people who get paid to say "uh huh, yeah" :
(warning the following may be a bit graphic or make some uncomfortable)

From teh age 9 to years before I can really remember too well (maybe age 5 or 6-9) i was sexually abused. He did everything but have actual sex with me because I was a child and he couldnt fit. But just about anything else sadly he did or made me do http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_frown.gif He would tell me I would be taken away from my mom if I ever told anyone (my mom was my world you must understand) so I stayed quiet and did what I had to do stay with my mom. But one day when I was 9, i just had a breakdown, and spilled everything to her. She took me home, we got our stuff, when to my grandmoms and he was in jail within 2 weeks. I went to therapy/councelling for 2 yrs about and thankfully had a good person there to help me...thats how im able to talk about something like this so freely. So as im sure you can understand trusting guys completely was a very hard, and still is, a hard issue I deal with. Well, when I was 17, i met a guy whom i fell for, and opened myself up to him mind, body and soul. I trusted him completely to keep me safe from pain. Boy was I mistaken. He cheated on me 4 times, got into drugs halfway into our relationship, and left me for drugs after I couldnt take things as they were anymore. he took everything I gave him and completely crushed it. That hurt. But now Im on my feet again because dammit Im a fighter http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_wink.gif

That is just the big things that have happened to me, there are other small things that i didnt feel i needed to post right now. But because I was helped, i want to help others because I know how wonderful it is to overcome these things.

My point is tho that I can talk to anyone about anything. I am a very open person and I will try tohelp anyone who wants help. And I agree with your Breeze, your parents should be more understanding or sympathetic. I will always be here for anyone who needs someone to talk to. ANd yes Adam punching things is a good way to relieve stress, i use a punching bag quite a bit myself http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_wink.gif but just dont cause harm to yourself or otehrs of course. Anywho, now you guys know im not just some person who wants to hear problems, im someone who seriously wants to help if I can..<center>

[AdamW]

Man, that's pretty rough Sciler. I'm glad that you eventually learnt to deal with that stuff. I wouldn't have the will power to, I know that.

[Sciler]

<font face=times new roman color=red>Heh, what can you do? whats done is done, tehres no point in dwelling on it, its simply a matter of accepting and moving. The glass is always half full, i can find something positive out of just about anything sadly. but it works for me so i dun mind<center>

[AdamW]

Yes, that's true. Always gotta move on. I can't think of much more to say on than that so *yoink*

[-BK-]

I'm very rarely depressed, I'm actually a very easy-going kind of guy. So if anyone needs a laugh, instant message me and I'll see what I can do. By the way, don't try to e-mail me, the e-mail address is fake, talk to me and if I like you, I'll give you my real e-mail.

[Sciler]

<font face=times new roman color=7fffd4>Oh im not really depressed anymore, I have my up and down moments, but I have overcome all the depression really. I just like to help others, to show them that it is possible to overcome this illness, makes one stronger to do so<center>

[Castelak]

aww Sciler thats rough sorry to hear that.. just wanted to say that http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_smile.gif

[Pollo_loco]

Life is grand, my little lovey-doves. Cherish it.

[Sciler]

<font face=times new roman color=7fffd4>Thanks Cast http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_smile.gif

And yes it indeed is Pollo<center>

[grinner]

okay...damn...I just got my message erased because I didn't use the corrrect password. Here goes it again really fast.

1) Pollo your post still pisses me off everytime I read it. Everytime. But I know you're not tyring to piss me off, and it frustrates me that I can't understand what you're trying to convey. I guess since I"m probably depressed I took it personally as if I was being called selfish. I think we're looking at different things the same way. Hell, I try 24 hours a day to hide what might be my depression from everybody on the planet, especially my family, so it doesn't burden them. Every once in a whil I really did in and do indulge suicidal thoughts, but hey how come that's being selfish?
I also disagree about having skewed values rankle more. One of my bigger problems is seeing seom mistake or dissapointment as if it was the end of the world and reacting liek it, like say reading your response or letting a good freind down. I don't think that was what you were thinking of so the point didn't get across smoothly.
2)David Burns checklists. I didn't even know they were on the internet. My depression scores since novermber have been ranging 25-35 and anxiety 40-55. After a year of getting my butt kicked at college, becoming more and more isolated even from my roommates, not being able to get up till past my classes, and everynight feeling as if I was in a pit of despair and a dozen other nasty things, having test results that say "severe depression" and "extreme anxiety or panic" seemed to explain all those dark nights and those horrible things I wrote in my journal.
Excuse me if I don't motion toward a point, on top of being scatterbrained wtih no sleep (because I'm awake trying to avoid drawing) and having my original post erased I don't necessarily rememrber my point. I just remember its important to finish.
Dang... even writing this through my dreamcast in the dead moring my family won't leave me alone.
anyway
3) cherish life, its precious? right now, I really really really don't agree with you, would enjoy just dissappearing. In the morning after a good amnesia sleep so I can forget the day before I would agree with you, but right now that just doesn't feel true. Life right now feels like a ball of failures strung togehter.
4) the real reason I'm writign all this is for help with my drawings. i've been told by alot of amatures I have talnet, that I'd be doing my talet a disservice if I keep on avoiding the pencil out of fear of failure like I've been doing, hell I've even had a proffessional director tell me the same, but I can't seem to start let alone finish. For about two hours I tried to do this one pic, I can't seem to finish. rather I can't seem to hold the esteem needed to finish. Nowadays just to be able to start soemthing it has to be the last $#@$ing minute before a deadline or I have to read Anthony Robbins books, & meditate for 45 min or take what Scelia said and try to see my glass as half full. That's just to start, usually I feel sleepy (body causes excuse to stop), have sweat not brought on by heat, or plain can't keep up the self worth/esteem required to finish. I've broken alot of promises to people because I thought that would be enough incentive to make me finish, but I just have alot of broken promises now.
That's what I'm trying to ask help for now.
I don't expect a cure, I don't even know what I'm supposed to by typing anymore because I hae a ton of other problems too. So I don't, know, help or something. I hope the machine does't eat up this message

[-BK-]

Dang, grinner, it sounds like thing are really rough for you. I'll have to put you down in my prayer book. I can remember times when I thought that death would be a good alternative too, but I have found that sticking around was a better choice. Life isn't always "grand", but it isn't unbearable at the sametime. If you wouldn't mind, I would like to e-mail you and talk to you privatley (?) about how I made it through the lowest times of my life and, am now, one of the happiest people I know. Just remember, don't give up, fight the good fight, press on, finish the race.


And when all else fails, use cheat codes.

[Sciler]

<font face=times new roman color=7FFFD4>Grinner-thinking of suicide is semi-normal when dealing with depression, attempting suicide is selfish, and here are my reasons why.

First, tehre are many people out there dying from cancers and other diseases, just trying to fight for thier place on this world...to live, then there are those of us who are overall healthy, have our place on this world, but would throw it all away because we're a little distraught at the time. THAT to me is selfish. Ive had the thoughts myself, but then I realise I could never cause that kind of pain to my friends and family...those who dont care, yes I see as selfish. The only reason Im saying all this is because I have saved about 4 lives these past 3 weeks, Im exhausted, but thankfully I opened their eyes a bit to things out there past themselves. Life gets better and its worth living! The good times will outwiegh the bad. Ive been through a large helping of shit, but I have pushed on and fought with my entire being at wanting to live. Theres just too much to do out there to not experience it.

Heh, now that I've rambled enough, I do sympathise with you hun, you definitely arent alone in your feelings...but you asked why it is seen as selfish, and that was my personal reason as to why.<center>

~Video Game Vixen~PSO Bitch

<font color=Gray><u>Character</u></font color>

<font color=green>Akumi-Lvl 61-Hunewearl

Sciler-Lvl 7-Hunewearl

<img src=http://images.honesty.com/imagedata/h/129/95/31299564.jpg></img>

<font size=1>[ This message was edited by: Sciler on 2001-04-11 15:42 ]</font>

[-BK-]

Go Sciler, you are my kind of chick. Keep up that awesomeness. Don't forget people, there is a God out there, and he knows a worse pain than we could ever experiance. If anyone is interested in hearing about it, e-mail me at [email protected], I'll be glad to share.

[SaitoH]

Dear Sciler,

I just wanted to say that you are one AMAZING woman. Its not very often when you find someone so honest, forthright and with such compassion. Not to sound trite, but I wish you best of luck and may you have nothing but happiness in the future.





<font size=1>[ This message was edited by: SaitoH on 2001-04-11 08:08 ]</font>

[Sciler]

<font face=times new roman color=7fffd4>Aww, you're gonna make me blush! ~big huggles~ but thank you, i take that as a great compliment.<center>

[grinner]

ahem *cough* *cough*
Anyway, I'm in a good mood right now, I need to stay in a good mood so I can finish the drawing I'm trying to produce tonight. Usuaully I have problems upkeeping esteem, that usually prevents me from starting let alone finishing a drawing. So I need all you all to try to help me please. Any advice?

[Sciler]

<font color=7fffd4>Well, where do you draw at? Are tehre distractions around? Have you heard of Feng Shui? I have some suggestions but I need to know a little more of where you are doing these drawings, the environment you are in and whatnot http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_smile.gif<center>

[-BK-]

Well grinner, whatever you are drawing, I'm sure it will look awesome, and if you've tried your hardest and worked your best, then you should be proud. You are an awesome person and I wish you the best.

-from a friend, to a friend

[Pollo_loco]

Well, alcohol is a depressant, so I wouldn't suggest getting terribly drunk - as evinced by my heap of crappy poetry written while I was inebriated.

How about mind-altering drugs?

Don't think, just do. Try not.

[Sciler]

<font face=times new roman color=7fffd4>Heh, this is where I say no way. Alcohol, I have used on occasion, but its rather rare.

As for drugs, nope, not going to do them, never have, never will. I am strictly against them becaues they have fucked up my life in the past and there is NO WAY I would ever put someone else through that kind of pain. I dont dislike people who do them, but that doesnt mean that I dont think doing them is stupid. I dont mean to offend anyone, I just really dont like drugs. ive been around them more than I would like to and I never wnat to be around them again.<center>

[-BK-]

Sciler, you are more awesome with every post. And if seems that I'm just kissing your ass, then bend over so I can get a better shot. I would never recommend drugs OR alcohol to anyone, just because I know what it has done to me and my friends.

[Sciler]

<font face=times new roman color=00ff00>~blushes and bends over~ http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_razz.gif
~simply blushes~ I thank you I think http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_smile.gif Im not used to praise so dont think I dont appreciate it, I just dont think I deserve it heh.

But yeah, my life has been seriously screwed because of alcoholism and drug use, so I tend to stay away from it as much as possible.<center>

[Vash-the-stampedo]

Well, Akumi, I've learned a lot about people in this thread including you, sorry to hear what happened in your past and i guess i can say i'm happy nothing like this has ever happened to me, I think what yer doing on this board is a cool thing though, people always need to vent their feelings and its cool to have someone to talk to, and i'm glad i know ya, i consider you a good friend of mine on PSO http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_smile.gif sure you can talk to anyone, but to have a good conversation, be able to smile about it again, and send a friendly email later, seems to be a better friend then someone you have just "grouped with before" also, its cool that you aren't into drugs or alcohol or any of that gay ass stuff, personally i never have nor never will do anything like that because its simply retarded IMO, the fact that its around i guess, not saying the consumers and users are retarded, just, the fact that they are doing it perhaps, i don't agree with it, but anyways, keep up what your doin here, i think its cool of you, anyhow, peace out http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_smile.gif
BTW, Akumi, where can i find yer email if you don't care if i email ya sometime?

[grinner]

my drawings? Cool? Maybe... I have a hard time appreciating my talent, as in I don't think I have any. I've heard of Feng Shui, chineese something something where you harness the positive energies in the house to areas you want, and negative energies outside the house. I think that's why the bottom of the staircases allways end a few feet to the front door so the energy slides out the front I think.

anyway are there distractions in my house? Tons. Just like there are at school. And if there isn't a distraction I'll probably find one like cleaning the room I neglect. Looking back I say I do this because finding whatever distraction is easeir to face than drawing. Never think I can do it, that kinda stuff. When I do nail my feet to the floor, sit down and get work done there's a side of me that wants to quit ASAP and another that has a nice time.

But my main problem is I always find myself avoiding getting any drawing done. And I care about getting it done, I plan the day ahead in a schedule when I'll work, I get up early & stay up late to be able to have time to draw..... but I never do it. Hell I mean to anyway.

THese past two 72 hours I've only allowed myself to sleep for four, so I could have more time around school & homework to draw more. Getting alittle green around the eyes even. Today I didn't do either the homework or the drawing, even though I made sure I would have alot of free time.

Anyway I'm pretty much rambling now. I don't know how to better express my frustration in myself to always mean & plan to get some drawing done, and find myself avoiding it.

[Sciler]

<font face=times new roman color=00ff00>Vash-thank you. http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_smile.gif Even tho I knowyou already emailed me, its in my Sig http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_wink.gif

Grinner-well, make yourself draw. I know its easier said than done, but maybe you need to just go to your room, close the door and put all your thoughts into drawing. Put on some music that you like so that you can kinda block everything else out. If you want to try feng shui, the door into your room is the bottom of a grid of 9 squares. If you walk into your room and just stand at the doorway looking at the opposing wall, picture the wall to your right as being broken into 3 parts, front(furthest from you) middle and back (closest to you). The center part of the right wall is the creative area. Thats where I keep all my art books I collect and any art supplies i have. Maybe you should try feng shui, Ive done it for over a year, and honestly saw a difference in the few main areas I was wanting to work on within a few months http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_smile.gif<center>

[BWS-1]

I never want anyone to beat my personal record for staying awake for the most hours: 109 hours in a row. don't even try to get to 90... it's way to damageful to the human body. I swear I was bout to die that night of the 109th hour... After that, well, I'm stuck sleeping every 2 days. That was 3 weeks ago... Now... I feel so fu%$*?? lonely right now... what a boring job... I just guard a building... and about 65 others on PC screens... long... too long... anyway. I won't start to empty my sorrow here... it's not quite the place anyway. *looking at the clock* darn! 5:00 AM, well, I'm done in 3 hours... woohoo... not! sigh

[Sciler]

<font face=times new roman color=00ff00>BWS-you can empty your sorrow here if you want...thats why I made this http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/icon_smile.gif to help everyone feel better<center>

[BWS-1]

I'm suprised... this world ain't all that dark after all... I guess it's good to see some light once and awhile in this forever lasting night...

No matter how small the light is, when seen in a dark place, it always looks brighter and warmer...