View Full Version : The Quest To Save Ragol!
Chapter 1 ~ the destined one?
It was a nice day in pioneer 2 and pan the force was happily buying his Striker of Chao and a Chao mag! He had loved chaos' for his whole life and had cared for them since the day his father myteriously dissapeared. He had only been 5 when he had seen his dad laugh happily with his wife - that was one of the only memories he had of his dad and another one was where his dad said 'I'm going on a trip to Ragol and Mum's comming to! You will be left with your mums guardien - chao mag! When they did not come back he realized that the Chao would bring back memories and sold it however he saw a sad picture the chao had drawn of himself crying! So... pan brought it back and that is how the story starts...
Immediantly he consolted Mangos the Seer and mangos said...
'the time has come for the Chao lover to see wether his love for chaos will save the world...'
Then, he died.
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Over on 2003-06-14 10:34 ]</font>
Aurra
06-14-2003, 01:51 PM
Lol, good start. I laughed out loud when it said "The time has come to save the world! Then, he died."
C'mon people post feedback!
Cannibal-Snowman
06-14-2003, 05:44 PM
That was pretty good! I though that last line was pretty funny.
Hunter_Daigoyin
06-14-2003, 07:19 PM
Well, kinda interesting. But the line was funny. Is this gonna turn into something like Yu Yu Hakusho?
BTW, Chao in plural is Chao, if I'm right.
Khabarakh
06-14-2003, 10:16 PM
Hey! Yu Yu Hakusho Is cool! Anyway, here's your review: 7 out of ten. The good:It's entertaining, funny, a good story start, Needs: perhaps a more detailed setting, some grammatical errors (But what can you do in 2 minutes? I couldn't http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/anime2.gif )
Hunter, I think it was the Seer who died, not the Chao lover.
It's an interesting quick read, not to mention, like everyone else has said, funny. I struggle with "funny," my "funny" usually comes out "what?" So, rock on. Stay funny. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif
Chapter 2 ~ Power of 3!
After a shory trip to his tiny, enclosed room he sat on his bed thinking. The same man who had predicted his dad would be overwhelmed by 'The Power of 3' had predicted that he, pan would be the one to save the world! But... surely that could not be true... he was just another hunter! His new chao senced his distress and gave him a picture drawn by him (the chao) which he had drawn at playschool which showed an old legend -
'One to conquer'
'One to rule'
'One to fight'
'And one to rebel' .
Pan read this and realised what this ment... He was one of those people!
But whether to conquer, rule, fight or rebel was not for him to decide...
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Over on 2003-06-23 08:21 ]</font>
XairEn
06-22-2003, 07:21 PM
Pretty good for a quick read.
You still have some (one) spelling error: senced should be sensed. Other than that, it's great. You have a developing plot, and that's pretty hard to do well. Keep at it, Chao Lover!
---
Stealing should be legal so long as you say "YOINK!"
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Poke!
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Love is a fire, but whether it will warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.
Chapter 3: Mind Connection!
One thousand miles away, on the planet of Ragol a chao was being picked on by 4 savage wolfs, they were hurting the chao and the chao was crying because of it.
[back onboard pionneer 1]
Pan woke up, crying... he did not know why but he had dreamt about 4 savage wolfs and a chao... Then, he heard it...
'Save me!'
'who said that?' pan said aloud.
Lots of people gave him strange looks and muttered thing such as mental and bonkers.
Again, 'save me' the voice said
'AHHHHHHH' pan screamed as he heard it.
He ran down and into Ragol for a new adventure...
[post feedback, hoped u liked it...]
vampirekid
06-24-2003, 12:45 PM
thats quite cool!
but the chapters need to be longer with more detail.
but dont listen to me, im failing english so if u take my advice yooooouuuu willll faiiiilllll!!!!!!!!
XairEn
06-26-2003, 12:19 PM
Pretty good, but again some trouble with spelling. Keep writing!
Asuka_chan
06-28-2003, 02:49 PM
That's really good! ^^ Keep writing! You must really like Chao, huh? ^~
Chapter 3 ~ a new freind... or two!
It was there pan saw it... Amist the trees in the dense forest a chao was being attacked... he saw this and killed *** 4 of the savage wolfs with ease! At once the chao became his freind and... it was then it happened... 10 hildebears came out of the sky and pan was so worried that the new chao: giggles (he gave ita name ~ the chao that was attacked) burst into tears and then... a purple beam of light spread from the chao and... the hildebears dissapeared... pan was shocked! But he did not have time for that as Giggles had fainted and 20 hildebears dropped out of the sky, and it was then, when he was disspearing that one hildebear died... then another... a shadow at the back of the hildebears was killing them! It didnt take long for pan to realise this was a force... a FOmarl! Soon with the force and pans efforts combined they killed them ***! Soon pan found out this forces' name was Asuka Chan! She was a FOmarl thats SectionID is Bluefull her Costume is Coloured White
her Hair is Blue
Weapon of Choice is Talis cards! She has a sleek body of which *** formals have and soon pan and Asuka became freinds! What they did not know is that thier paths were destined to cross...
Asuka_chan
06-30-2003, 04:06 PM
That was the best! ^^ Thank you so so so so so much for putting Asuka chan in your fic ^^ Keep writing, I want to find out what happens!
Chapter 4 ~ The forest of The Booma!
After stoking up on items, asuka chan and pan set of to the forest to investigate why the savage wolfs had become so vicious and... soon, they came across 100 boomas! Pan heard them whisper (because of the item they had that changed animal noises into human voices that pan had got from his dad before he left) 'lets take 'em to our leader!' pan said 'We wont let that happen to us!!' to asuka. But, (and pan was shoked by this) Asuka said 'Let them take us, they will show us thier leader that way!'
They had a long argument about it but Asuka was clever, she thought that they would take them while pan's talking so that pan couldnt argue with her and resist the Boomas!
'We... are there...'
Post feedback!
Asuka_chan
07-01-2003, 02:54 PM
What happens when they get there? ^^ Keep writing!
Chapter 3 ~ Freind or Foe!
They shortly arrived at the boomas paradise, a beutiful waterf*** surounded by amazind structures beyond human imagination! Asuka and pan were thrown into a sm*** cell that was an enclosed, dusty place and pan was just talking to his chao when...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Asuka screamed and pan turned round... Then he realised - this place was no cell... those bars were teeth and that w*** coloured pink was the side of whatever it was they were ins mouth! And that shirt between the teeth of the beasts was pans shirt... and that blood was pans! "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" pan screamed as he felt the pain! 'Here, let me help!' Asuka said as she got out a trimate health pack and used it on pan but... this was not the end of thier troubles as the 'floor' moved and pan and Asuka plunged into the dephs of oblivion!
[hoped you liked it! post feedback!]
Asuka_chan
07-01-2003, 03:26 PM
Did they get swallowed? How are they going to get out? Will Asuka chan still look good? All this and more in the next chapter of "The Quest to Save Ragol"! *hee* I can't wait to read the next one ^^
Chapter 3 ~ One way out, or 2!
They were well and truely stuck, and both people began to despair as they fell through the long tube leading to this strange creatures stomack... it was there, as they were giing up *** hope, it happened. An object of some sort suddenly moved towards Asuka and she had her eyes closed as it moved to her... this could only mean one thing... that she was a destined force, an elite. And, as she put on her long dress that she had just found she went into a trance with a new voice...
'You see pan, this is not my first life... i am destined to save *** mankind, but i can only do it with your help because, you have the power of chao!'
Pan was bewildered but he had no time for that- Asuka did not look well... but then a beam burst through her and they were teleported to the ruins!
[hoped u liked it!]
Asuka_chan
07-01-2003, 04:04 PM
Asuka chan is soooooooo cool in this! I love it! So... what happens when they get to the Ruins? ^^
Chapter god knows ~ The unknown fear!
Soon, as pan stood gawping at Asuka they were attacked by a ton of Delsabers but they were quickly eliminated by pan and Asuka. *** the Delsabers were killed! But then Asuka suddenly casted a spell which was unknown to pan, she had said 'Engrocieo Commanio' and a strange beast came up out of the ground and Asuka said 'Learn to fight your fears pan, as i did and you will harness the power of Chaolover'
However, in Pans mind he saw horrors like his parents dying and he fainted. Asuka tried again and this time his chao and him were ready... they deflected the mythical beast attack with a strong wave of love for his chao and his chaos love for him! 'Better' Asuka said and the beast vanished. "You are learning fast!" she said to pan and they went through ruins one with ease but... when they got to ruins two they saw beasts never seen before that the duo could not deal with on thier own but, when they worked together they were formidable. Asuka's Mythical Magic and pans Chao Love were amazing when they were combined as they saw thier beams strike each over, the whole room frose and exploded and pan and Asuka just managed to barrel roll out of the way. 'Maybe not so powerfull next time!'
[what did u think?]
Chapter god knows ~ Asuka the Fearless!
They were strong. Oh yes, *** agreed with that! As they went to the Battle tornament in the ruins they showed off thier skills by using thier combined beam to destroy *** the enimies in the gladiator arena and the crowd roared with awe at the hunter and the force with what they c***ed 'The Gods Alignment!' Then, next round,they met thier match!
It was a beast, and pan was so scared of it that he was wondering wether to fight or not, after ***... You lose then you dont fight again!
[to be continued!]
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Over on 2003-07-02 10:03 ]</font>
Asuka_chan
07-02-2003, 01:47 PM
What kind of beast was it? ^^ *hee* well, I guess I'll find out in the next chapter ^^
Chapter god knows ~ The Beast!
The contendents Asuka and pan went ito the arena afraid, as the doors closed they saw the mighty beast come out, it had 16 enormous arms that had bulging muscels. This mutated creature also had a head that had 16 large eyes and 17 large mouths that were *** screaming, *** apart from one that was smiling! And 18 legs that made it so nimble and fast!
Asuka remarked 'oh my god!'
'what...' said pan
'it *** makes sence!' said Asuka
'It doesnt to me' replied pan!
then Asuka exclaimed 'this beast isnt mutated, it was a human that ate other humans and that is why the mouths scream!'
Pan was horrified!
Asuka_chan
07-02-2003, 02:33 PM
O.O A human that ate other humans? Craziness! That's so cool! Asuka chan is smart, isn't she? ^^ IMO, this is one of the best PSO fics I've read ^^
Chapter god knows ~ The Battle and Its Verdict!
The whistle sounded and the battle began!
The monster moved fast but both Asuka and pan were faster and they dodged the blows easily this continued for quite some time but the creature never tired! Whenever they jabbed him or casted spells it was no use! The spells just did nothing and the sword attacks did nothing too! So Asuka realised that they had to work together to defeat the Human Paracite. But again, however hard they tried it didnt work and at one point, Asuka had her shoe bitten off by the demonic beast. Soon, however they used up every piece of thier energy in a joint beam, they killed the beast, but they fainted in the process!
*10 mins later*
Pan woke up, the people had looks of dismay on thier faces. Why, pan thought and he woke up Asuka. He said to the judge 'Now, please may we have our Meseta!'
But the Judge said 'no!'
Pan was startled! The judge clicked his fingers and the 'crowd' brandished swords and came to attack pan and Asuka
'Oh Shi*' Said Asuka
[end! next chapter commin soon!]
Sai-Yuk
07-02-2003, 04:49 PM
*reads as requested.. blinks*
this is... odd...
chao's never where my thing.
i'm bitter toward them though because, i sucked at NiGHTS, so don't mind me.
Asuka_chan
07-02-2003, 10:15 PM
I like how this is coming out ^^ You know, I had a dream about Chao last night... something about Lime-Jell-O... mmhmm... Well, I like the fic! Keep on writing!
Chapter god knows ~ Pan and Asukas past!
'Why did we havee to come to this dumb tornement?' Asuka moaned as she mowed her way through the 'crowd'
Pan did not answer, he was trying to assasinate the judge as Pan believed that he was the source of the crowds possesed voices and behaiviour. The whole crowd shouted 'Kill Kill Kill! We must Kill!' And the 'crowd' kept on coming in long military lines to try and kill pan and Asuka and pan and Asuka grew weary as the 'crowd' kept on attacking, restlessly and powerfully and soon pan and Asuka had killed the 'crowd' but were on their knees, without the strength to keep on attacking the judge.
'Get up.' The judge commanded, and two faint whisps of light came out his hands and pulled both Asuka and Pan to thier feet.
'My name is Gondien' he said.
Pan gasped - he had heard that name before... but where?
'I am going to tell you your history... and then kill you!' He said, and then he told pan his history...
'You were a boy once, and you went by the name of Pandos in your other life, and, you defeated evil... how sweet...' He said sarcastic***y. 'You lived a happy life, and then... you died to evil! Did you know that history will repeat itself and today, you will die.. and evil will prevail!'
Then Asuka!
'You have always been an angel that defied darkness and defended *** hapiness, until you met your downf***! I stole the Firey Light! The stone that makes goodness win over darkness! You got demoted to a measly human, and now... you will both die!
And the sword crashed down...
[how is it?]
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Over on 2003-07-06 11:53 ]</font>
Asuka_chan
07-06-2003, 02:54 PM
and the sword crashed down.... then what? HMM? Don't keep me in suspense like this! ^^
XairEn
07-07-2003, 07:22 AM
*Kicks AOL*
Keep writing! I love fics that can be read in less than 30 minutes.
*Attempts to assassinate AOL with a Wiffel Bat, than puts the bat away and kicks it instead*
Anyway, keep it up!
What should i put *goes mad*
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