A first attempt

[Kaldor-the-Monkey]

This may be a little on the rubbish side, first time an all. Any comments will be good........

Chapter 1

Obiy walked the streets of Pioneer 2 with his Stag Cuttlery in his right arm. He had come back from Ragol, bleeding. He staggered in what he thought was the direction his apartment. He was actually heading towards the lab. His vision was blurry, and he was loosing balance. He fell on his side and in the distance he could hear talking. It was coming from the lab.

"I'm telling you we should carry on Osto's research!"

"I'm telling you we shouldn't!"

"It's a great opportunity, we now know what he did wrong and we can correct his mistake,"

"You’re risking the lives of thousands of people!"

"I am your superior and I will do what I think is right!"

"So will I!"

The door slammed and the person walked out. Still frustrated she turned the corner and there was Obiy. Obiy couldn't see very well but he knew she was there. He then gave a groan and fell unconscious.

He woke a few days later. His Stag Cutlery disabled to his side. He tried to sit up, but couldn't. His arms didn't have the power. He could see there was someone sitting next to him. He turned his head, he saw the woman that had saved him.

"Finally your awake, I was getting bored,"
"Who are you?" Obiy asked.
"I am the person who saved your life"
"Yeah, I know"

Obiy had now managed to sit up with the nurse’s help.

"I’ll check up on you later," said the nurse and left them to talk.
"Well?" said Obiy
"Yes.. I am Alex, Kaysha" she said
"Your that scientist!"
"Well I;m not a scientist anymore,"
"I heard," said Obiy
"I thought you had!" said Alex in an excited voice.
"I mean...NO I didn’t hear anything..."
"You heard Dr. Frankling talking then." said Alex with a now disgusted tone.
"Well..yes,"
"Then you've got to help me stop him!"
"I have?"
"Don't worry you can get better, then you only have to defeat the army on this ship,"
"Do I have to?"
"You can let all the people on this ship suffer because of one man,"
"Fine I’ll help…… do I have to fight the army?"
"Well.. not straight away. See you in a few days, I have to start getting ready," Alex stood and went through the hospital door.

Obiy collapsed into his bed and looked around.
"Good job nurses don't have good hearing,"

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That's all for now, as I said any comments good or bad.

[Kaldor-the-Monkey]

I've written another beginning, I was wondering to do this one instead of the other one,

Before pioneer 2 launched.

"It's a boy" said the nurse to the father.
Jack walked in excited to see his first child. He saw his wife with his son in her arms.
"Laya, what are we going to call him?" Jack asked
"I like Obiy," said Alex
"Very newman of you," replied Jack
"Well, I am,"
Obiy had blue eyes like his father and his ears were half the size of regular newman babies. He had green hair like his mother but it was still short. With a gurgle Obiy fell asleep.

Obiy was placed into the care ward next to all the other babies. He was sleeping peacefully.

"You'll be a great evil one day, the prophecy foretold it." said a figure in the shadows.
"I suppose it will be easier to dispose of you know won't it," he emerged from the shadows. A Fomar, pale skin and his eyes were completely white. He was wearing a pointed hat and all his clothing was black.
"Don't worry it'll be quick." He reached towards Obiy with his bony hands outstretched. Suddenly Obiy started crying, so did the baby next to him. It was like dominos. Lights around them came on. The man went back into the shadows and seemed to disappear.

Pioneer 2 started it"s journey

Jack, Laya and Obiy were in their apartment. Obiy was now 2 years old. He could walk and talk and he was very smart for his age. There was a knock on the door. Jack opened and there stood the figure from the hospital.
"Hello," Jack said.
"I'm here to see Obiy," the figure replied.
"How do you know my son?"
"Close friends,"
"You keep away, freak!"
"That wasn't nice, move aside."
Jack was pushed away by a simple foie. The figure walked on. Laya came to see what was happening. She too was blown off her feet with a foie. Obiy was now reciting some numbers.
"1..2..3,"
"Hello Obiy,"
"Hello," said Obiy turning round.
"Do you know who I am?"
"The gingerbread man," replied Obiy.
"NO! I am Grotcher,"
"That's a funny name," said Obiy giggling.
"Enough! I am here to kill you," Grotcher took down his hood, he had markings over his head, rituals. He leaned over to Obiy.
"I won't let you harm my son!" Jack had recovered and was jumping towards Grotcher. He turned and blasted him away with another foie. Obiy was starting to say something. He started to glow a faint blue.
"What are you saying!" shouted Grotcher.
"LUNDS GREE SAADGE" Obiy was casting a spell, reading it off Grotcher's head..
"No..." Obiy was now glowing black. His eyes were turning red. "The prophecy foretold this," now Grotcher was glowing.
"HITCHRAD!" Obiy shouted. Grotcher fell to the floor. His left arm seemed to dissolve.
"You are a great evil Obiy, this is not the end for me," Obiy was now laughing like a mad man. "I will return to finish you off," Grotcher vanished and Obiy returned to his normal colour.

Jack and Laya were now watching Obiy. He was playing like usual.
"What are we going to do, he's apparently a 'great evil'," said Laya
"What can we do apart from live our lives and bring up Obiy like we planned,"
Obiy looked round to them "Play," he said.

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Well if they're both rubbish tell me, or choose the better one. please.

[Brett]

I like the 2nd one cause it seemed just a lot better and made more sense, and it was better written. this sounds like it'll turn out to be a good story and um, yea.

[Roy_the_White]

Yeah, I would have to agree that I liked the second one better. It kinda reminded me of Harry Potter; oh well. But then again the first one I liked because it had to do with Dr. Osto and his research, like in my Fanfic (Shield of Lies: Dr. Osto's Research). However, I would stick with the second one though, a lot better written and it made more sense. Can't wait for the next chapter...