Reenee
Nov 15, 2003, 01:33 AM
Stolen from somethingawful.com, because we all know I suck at my jokes because I take the time to think them out beforehand and I giggle to myself uncontrollably, and then some veteran of this certain forum has to come in and change the damn subject, which is what happens in every fucking thread in this forum, so let's just stop and get on to what's least important in here, so I don't know why I bothered to point out what's going to happen anyways and going to post whatever I was going to post with regard in my mind that it'll be ignored, so instead of making this introductory sentence enter a loophole that'll collapse the United States of California...I'll just put up the damn "joke":
Bad - You have a one night stand with a girl and wake up the next morning and discover you've got a burning rash covering your penis.
Worse - The girl turns out to be your sister.
FUCK! - Who you picked up from an IRC room where she was posing as a 16 year old girl for an FBI sting operation.
Bad - You get caught playing Minesweeper one time too many by the boss and get your pink slip.
Worse - Your pink slip consists of being thrown through a plate glass window by your boss.
FUCK! - From the eightieth floor of an office building located on top of an active volcano.
Bad - You get pulled over for doing 90 in a school zone and you're drunk off your ass again at three in the afternoon.
Worse - The cop is drunk too, and he's a mean drunk.
FUCK! - A mean drunk that's actually a swarm of semi-sentient flesh-eating beetles.
Bad - While out on a date you decide to go to a Mexican restaurant and the burrito beats you in a race to the bathroom.
Worse - The burrito had bet money on the race.
FUCK! - And he has a lot of taco friends willing to take that money out of your ass if you don't pay up.
Bad - Maverick, pull up! There's a MiG on your six!
Worse - Maverick, pull out! Your mom's home from the grocery store!
FUCK! - Maverick, pull straws! The man with the short one gets to massage Dr. Phil's taint!
Bad - The mob has put a hit out on you for ratting on the don.
Worse - The yakuza has put out a call for your severed head for having sex with the boss's wife.
FUCK! - Bill Cosby has put up a reward for your capture so he can suck the delicious Jello pudding that fills your bones instead of marrow.
Bad - You're addicted to the Internet.
Worse - Especially FARK.
FUCK! - Because you laugh every single time you read the phrase "France Surrenders!"
Bad - Your rent check just bounced.
Worse - Because you bought an entire shipping pallet of dildos.
FUCK! - That got delivered to your landlord's apartment on accident.
Bad - The factory that employed almost half of your town just shut down.
Worse - By "shut down" I mean "burned down with everyone inside".
FUCK! - By "factory" I mean "unshielded nuclear reactor".
Bad - The MPAA files a lawsuit against you for downloading a theatrical screener.
Worse - It was a VCD of "Gigli"
FUCK! - That you actually got to work in your DVD player.
Bad - Your girlfriend breaks up with you for petty reasons and then immediately starts dating.
Worse - Your father.
FUCK! - Who insists you call her "mom".
Bad - Your dog gets run over by a speeding car.
Worse - Your dog was actually a super intelligent fox.
FUCK! - A kindly white-bearded gnome was riding on its back when the car struck.
Bad - You lose all of your money in Las Vegas.
Worse - It was inside your wallet at the time.
FUCK! - You have a sinking suspicion you may have left it in that hotel room where you murdered the hooker.
Bad - You write erotic "Dukes of Hazzard" fan fiction.
Worse - About Bo and Luke asphyxiating each other during gay sex.
FUCK! - And you accidentally turn it in as an assignment at parochial school.
Bad - You fatally shoot your best friend while showing him your new gun.
Worse - He was the President of the United States.
FUCK! - And he was standing on your new Berber carpet.
Bad - Videotapes of you having sex were leaked onto the Internet.
Worse - The videos were shot using night vision making you look like some sort of hideous alien creature.
FUCK! - Your career still consists of appearing on "Wild On!" and being interviewed incoherently by Jules Asner while dry humping anything within reach because of the overdose of ecstasy you took poolside earlier.
Bad - While enjoying your lunch you find a human finger in your bowl of soup.
Worse - It's your finger.
FUCK! - It's still attached to the body of a man who is considering a job at Burger King because his Bachelor's degree in computer science isn't worth the paper it's printed on anymore.
Bad - You still haven't beaten "Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic".
Worse - You're stuck on the first fight with Calo Nord.
FUCK! - Because you burned out your retinas staring at the sun and can no longer differentiate shapes.
Bad - Your infant son dies from starvation because you were playing Everquest nonstop.
Worse - You only find the body when emptying your improvised colostomy bag.
FUCK! - You abandon flushing his corpse down the toilet halfway through the process because you hear the sound of your character being attacked from the other room.
Bad - Your most prized possession is destroyed in an unfortunate accident.
Worse - The accident involved a tribe of cannibals.
FUCK! - Your most prized possession was your artificial hip.
Bad - You develop stigmata.
Worse - You work in a lemonade factory.
FUCK! - You're not even Christian.
Bad - Your neighbors call the police and complain about the loud noise coming from a party you're having.
Worse - The party is actually a cover for you to deal heroin out of your bedroom.
FUCK! - The music was actually turned up to conceal the sounds of you being shot to death by rival drug dealers.
Bad - You write for a humor web site.
Worse - You run out of ideas so frequently that you have to rely on "bad and worse" as your concept for an article.
FUCK! - And it actually seemed like a good idea at the time.
Bad - You have a one night stand with a girl and wake up the next morning and discover you've got a burning rash covering your penis.
Worse - The girl turns out to be your sister.
FUCK! - Who you picked up from an IRC room where she was posing as a 16 year old girl for an FBI sting operation.
Bad - You get caught playing Minesweeper one time too many by the boss and get your pink slip.
Worse - Your pink slip consists of being thrown through a plate glass window by your boss.
FUCK! - From the eightieth floor of an office building located on top of an active volcano.
Bad - You get pulled over for doing 90 in a school zone and you're drunk off your ass again at three in the afternoon.
Worse - The cop is drunk too, and he's a mean drunk.
FUCK! - A mean drunk that's actually a swarm of semi-sentient flesh-eating beetles.
Bad - While out on a date you decide to go to a Mexican restaurant and the burrito beats you in a race to the bathroom.
Worse - The burrito had bet money on the race.
FUCK! - And he has a lot of taco friends willing to take that money out of your ass if you don't pay up.
Bad - Maverick, pull up! There's a MiG on your six!
Worse - Maverick, pull out! Your mom's home from the grocery store!
FUCK! - Maverick, pull straws! The man with the short one gets to massage Dr. Phil's taint!
Bad - The mob has put a hit out on you for ratting on the don.
Worse - The yakuza has put out a call for your severed head for having sex with the boss's wife.
FUCK! - Bill Cosby has put up a reward for your capture so he can suck the delicious Jello pudding that fills your bones instead of marrow.
Bad - You're addicted to the Internet.
Worse - Especially FARK.
FUCK! - Because you laugh every single time you read the phrase "France Surrenders!"
Bad - Your rent check just bounced.
Worse - Because you bought an entire shipping pallet of dildos.
FUCK! - That got delivered to your landlord's apartment on accident.
Bad - The factory that employed almost half of your town just shut down.
Worse - By "shut down" I mean "burned down with everyone inside".
FUCK! - By "factory" I mean "unshielded nuclear reactor".
Bad - The MPAA files a lawsuit against you for downloading a theatrical screener.
Worse - It was a VCD of "Gigli"
FUCK! - That you actually got to work in your DVD player.
Bad - Your girlfriend breaks up with you for petty reasons and then immediately starts dating.
Worse - Your father.
FUCK! - Who insists you call her "mom".
Bad - Your dog gets run over by a speeding car.
Worse - Your dog was actually a super intelligent fox.
FUCK! - A kindly white-bearded gnome was riding on its back when the car struck.
Bad - You lose all of your money in Las Vegas.
Worse - It was inside your wallet at the time.
FUCK! - You have a sinking suspicion you may have left it in that hotel room where you murdered the hooker.
Bad - You write erotic "Dukes of Hazzard" fan fiction.
Worse - About Bo and Luke asphyxiating each other during gay sex.
FUCK! - And you accidentally turn it in as an assignment at parochial school.
Bad - You fatally shoot your best friend while showing him your new gun.
Worse - He was the President of the United States.
FUCK! - And he was standing on your new Berber carpet.
Bad - Videotapes of you having sex were leaked onto the Internet.
Worse - The videos were shot using night vision making you look like some sort of hideous alien creature.
FUCK! - Your career still consists of appearing on "Wild On!" and being interviewed incoherently by Jules Asner while dry humping anything within reach because of the overdose of ecstasy you took poolside earlier.
Bad - While enjoying your lunch you find a human finger in your bowl of soup.
Worse - It's your finger.
FUCK! - It's still attached to the body of a man who is considering a job at Burger King because his Bachelor's degree in computer science isn't worth the paper it's printed on anymore.
Bad - You still haven't beaten "Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic".
Worse - You're stuck on the first fight with Calo Nord.
FUCK! - Because you burned out your retinas staring at the sun and can no longer differentiate shapes.
Bad - Your infant son dies from starvation because you were playing Everquest nonstop.
Worse - You only find the body when emptying your improvised colostomy bag.
FUCK! - You abandon flushing his corpse down the toilet halfway through the process because you hear the sound of your character being attacked from the other room.
Bad - Your most prized possession is destroyed in an unfortunate accident.
Worse - The accident involved a tribe of cannibals.
FUCK! - Your most prized possession was your artificial hip.
Bad - You develop stigmata.
Worse - You work in a lemonade factory.
FUCK! - You're not even Christian.
Bad - Your neighbors call the police and complain about the loud noise coming from a party you're having.
Worse - The party is actually a cover for you to deal heroin out of your bedroom.
FUCK! - The music was actually turned up to conceal the sounds of you being shot to death by rival drug dealers.
Bad - You write for a humor web site.
Worse - You run out of ideas so frequently that you have to rely on "bad and worse" as your concept for an article.
FUCK! - And it actually seemed like a good idea at the time.