Why love?

[Esoteric]

Ok let me begin. Well the best way to start with would be to explain what I think love actually is. I think that belief that there is a single match or person that we are destined to meet is hilarious. I once believed this, until I found myself thinking that I had found that person about twenty times.

My heart has been broken so many times that falling in love with someone now means very little, because it happens so easily. I see love as only a perspective in which is a part of us, and has absolutely no link to another person having some connection with the other. That is not to say that you can fall in love with anyone, or that you can even fall in love at all. It is to say that if you fall in love with someone, you could fall in love with many people, because you only need the capacity to accept yourself to love someone.

Also if you are one of those people who would say to this, "I have only loved one person and I know that I could never love anybody else." That is bullshit. Even if you have known this person for many years and only then came to love them because the love you came to have was not easily achieved, you could have just as well known some other random girl/guy that would take years to fall in love with. But the point is the possibily would be there and that finding the idea of finding the "special someone" is a complete joke because some of us, such as me, are surrounded by them.

I do believe that it is possible to find someone that is perfect for you in every way or close to, but I do not believe that there is only one person in the world that could do this and that only the designated perspective of our own love determines who this person we think is worth loving as our own would be the only person we could possibly love.

This being my opinion of what love is, I find myself confused. I think it is safe to say that breaking my heart by loving someone has happened to me many a time, and yet I choose to keep on doing it to myself. I will sometimes tell myself that I will never love again because in the end I have always end up being hurt.

I once had a girlfriend for two years, that I dedicated myself completely to. I never even talked with any other girls while I was with her, she was my everything. Yet, after two years, I found myself bored with her. I decided that I wanted to end the relationship with her a build a new one with someone else. I did just that. I stopped talking with her and she eventually came around to telling me that she had given up on us remaining together and we went our seperate ways.

Since then I have been stuck in a cycle that I don't see a way of ever coming out of. Most any girl that shows me the least bit of attention has become a target for me to impose my own desires. I will test her, see who she is and if I could win her love. If I lose, I feel hurt and more driven to have her, if I win, I become bored or realize that it was to easy or a waste of my time which also hurts me. So all in all, love can only hurt me, more than anything. Yet the drive for it continues.

Just to share one moment in a mutual feeling of love can lead to a week or even months of confusing pain and thoughts, yet I strive for those moments. This also becomes a building block for an overall feeling of pain for each and every girl I have loved and lost, or fell out of love with. I try to learn from the mistakes, but I have found that I can never know females well enough to predict exactly what they will do, how I should react to them to earn their love, but that it will only end in pain, that is the only guarantee. Although I know that this feeling of pain only comes from within, not that all girls in some way find a way to hurt me but that I find some way to let what they do hurt me no matter who they are.

So it really comes down to only wanting more love after falling away from it. While feeling the pain of losing it, wanting it, and not being able to obtain it from someone that I want it from or finding they are just different than which I had thought. I know things will not change, that my desire for love will always be there. But it feels like a disease when the only thing I enjoy is creating love or earning love and then moving on to the next after finding the pain that it brings to me. An endless cycle of emotion and drama of which I live in, this is my world.

If no drama exists, I will force it upon myself for it to exist. My comfort zone becomes the pain, because that is all I know of. All I can live with, all that will ever bring me the feelings in which I expect. I ask myself why I do it, why I would hurt myself with the likely possiblity that I will hurt another in the process. Maybe it is selfish of me. I am not sure. All I know is that I can not, I will not, ever stop searching for an absolute love in where I can feel alive in a moment of passion no matter how few and far between.

In a warped way I guess I enjoy the love and pain cause and effect that I always create. Yet the question remains, the confusion burdens, and I keep wishing that things would change. The thought that in some way things will suddenly be given to me, and pain will cease to exist. My life is the drive for dreams that excede the realm of possiblily, at least in terms of what we are even capable of. With the underlying foundation being that of a love that could trancend all love and show me a direction that would give me the way off the cycle of love and pain. Yet my expectations are so unrealistic that if they even came close I wouldn't even know what to do with myself because it wouldn't be me, I can't live in a dream if that dream is truth.

I only want the pursuit of dreams, not the consequences of reality. So maybe I am not down to earth as much as I wished, maybe I will never be as successful as I dream due to my 'out of this world' type of thinking. I may never obtain the happiness in which I seek, but it is my way of life. My emotions have overtaken every part of me that determines right from wrong. Lost within my own confusion and desires.

So why I ask. Why do I love if the love means nothing, when my entire life changes and I can't control my own value system because I only want another's love? When I seem to distance myself more and more from the truth of reality, from stress, by this everlasting search of love?

I really feel hopeless. I can't dwell in it because it is better to try and be happy no matter what, to live in a solace of comfort. But I wish it was not so important to me, I wish I could live in the mind of a child forever where no pain exists for a quench of love from another person. Where the path of life is a climb of unknowns and not a fall of lies.

The depression sets in, and all is not well. A clear mind would be so much better, not this trash of stress I have now.

To worry, to want, to hurt -- forever.

[anwserman]

If your love means nothing, then you're not loving for the right reasons. Discussing this with Mitch (we had a nice long deep conversation the other night), I said my stance on any relationship is that we, as human beings, want to be around somebody who makes us feel great and wants us to reach and to achieve our goals, to inspire us to improve, try new things and to encourage us to be all that we can be. And through that, we find people whom we can really trust and depend on, somebody that will be willing to listen to us when we're angry and need to scream and yell, and that the only cost involved is that the same duties are expected from us.

Love, in a nutshell, is everything but sex. Sex does not equal love, sex in a true relationship signifies trust, understanding and an emotional bond that nobody else has.... but it only signifies those things, those things can be present in the relationship and still be sex-free.

And that love is not a black/white situation, more akin to a million shades of grey. Life is hard when you're alone, and its tougher when you get more people involved. But true friendships and relationships can stand the test of time... not a flybynight bullshit that so many students in highschool experience (myself included.) But, life goes on and you just have to find the right person, you'll know when.

And with the relationships you have had, look back at them and think of all the fun you had... ignore the bad times, just think of the happiness that was created and think of everything that you experienced - it was all new with your special one, because you might have never done those things together before.

But don't ever, ever wish that a relationship never existed. Never, EVER. I don't care how good or bad it might have been, if you came out alive it would make you stronger and more mature. If a relationship was good, then you don't know how bad they can possibly get. If the relationship was bad, then you'll never know how good one can get unless you give it another try... another experience. Don't frickin give up because the first couple tries were horrid - be glad you've had the chance.

One more thing: don't look at the relationship as just between you and the other person... look at it from the perspective of everything, all the people you've might have met or the friendships you acquired because of that relationship. Saying that you wish that the relationship didn't exist our occur doesn't just mean that you wish away your experience with one person... but all that you've met over the duration of the experience. Or if you tried something new, started to work out, got a new job, whatever... you'd wish that all away too.

I don't know, hopefully my words make sense... if not, I don't care. It is just that love is more then just being with a person, its a part of life and you can't wish away emotions and meaning. Because, that what makes us human.

[Uncle_bob]

And with the relationships you have had, look back at them and think of all the fun you had... ignore the bad times

Looking back on the good times can just make things feel worse.

[anwserman]

On 2004-04-23 20:09, Uncle_bob wrote:

And with the relationships you have had, look back at them and think of all the fun you had... ignore the bad times

Looking back on the good times can just make things feel worse.



Well, not really.
If you broke the relationship on good terms, then it wouldn't. But if you fucked up the relationship because of your own blunt stupidity and immaturity (hey, instead of talking to my girlfriend of two years about taking a break and meeting new people, I'LL JUST FUCKING IGNORE HER INSTEAD), then it will make you feel worse since YOU WRECKED IT.

Talking with someone can help solve problems, even if it might make them more complicated in the first place.

[Uncle_bob]

On 2004-04-23 20:11, anwserman wrote:


On 2004-04-23 20:09, Uncle_bob wrote:

And with the relationships you have had, look back at them and think of all the fun you had... ignore the bad times

Looking back on the good times can just make things feel worse.



Well, not really.
If you broke the relationship on good terms, then it wouldn't. But if you fucked up the relationship because of your own blunt stupidity and immaturity (hey, instead of talking to my girlfriend of two years about taking a break and meeting new people, I'LL JUST FUCKING IGNORE HER INSTEAD), then it will make you feel worse since YOU WRECKED IT.

Talking with someone can help solve problems, even if it might make them more complicated in the first place.



Uncle and his ex broke up rather peacefully and are/were (haven't gotten to talk to her much lately) good friends afterwards and thinking about the fun we had doesn't seem to make Uncle happy at all. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif Uncle's foot hurts. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_disapprove.gif

[Arislan]

After a while, that will change. A couple years after I had several messy breakups with one ex, I still thought that I couldn't look back on those times... But now, I can do just that.. About 4 months ago, something just clicked inside of me, and now looking abck on those times still causes a bit of pain, yes, but I'm able to see through that and see the things that I enjoyed about it, the things that strengthened who I am. I'm happy I went through that turmoil. It was the single most emotionally damaging thing that happened in my life, but I wouldn't do anything different if I had to do it over again.

And on the main topic... I thought I was in love with that girl. Exactly as you described, she was my everything, no talking to other girls, that kind of thing. But now, I don't think I was really in love. That was all just infatuation. I didn't have the emotional maturity to see what I needed out of a relationship, that I need to respect that person and have their respect in return to actually feel that emotion.

If I were you, I'd take a while off the whole thing. Don't date anyone, as much as you want the drama thing. Take the time to examine yourself, what you are doing in your life. What you really want out of someone in a relationship.

When you can state to yourself what you are looking for, you'll very liely find that your field has narrowed, that you no longer need to go out and find a girl, and make her love you. You'll likely find that you'll be looking for the right girl, the only that you actually can connect with, and who can connect with you in return. Hell, you may find that one of your previous girlfriends may be worth another shot. But if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll likely never have the time, never done the introspection necessary to make this leap. But the important thing to all this is time. You need time to think, time to decide, time to evaluate. It's an important thing to life, love. Take the time.

[Daikarin]

On 2004-04-23 20:09, Uncle_bob wrote:

And with the relationships you have had, look back at them and think of all the fun you had... ignore the bad times

Looking back on the good times can just make things feel worse.



At an initial phase, maybe.

To the creator of the thread, I think that's a phase you're goin' through. Once your heart gets fixed, you'll be able to answer your question.



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Even_Jin on 2004-04-24 08:08 ]</font>

[LollipopLolita]

of course it's possible to love multiple times. and no i don't believe in the perfect love or the one perfect person who is your soulmate. love is overrated. people think too much about it and expect too much from it. make little theories about it. the one that questions love, does not understand true love. while it hits you like a bang, it's quiet peaceful bliss.

love isn't based on drama or just the pursuit or chase of the game, moving from one girl to another. if that's what you think love is, it isn't it. because when you're truly and deeply in love, all you want is the happiness of the other person. esoteric, you're going to need to mature a little more.

[WraithVerge]

On 2004-04-24 08:24, LollipopLolita wrote:
of course it's possible to love multiple times. and no i don't believe in the perfect love or the one perfect person who is your soulmate. love is overrated. people think too much about it and expect too much from it. make little theories about it. the one that questions love, does not understand true love. while it hits you like a bang, it's quiet peaceful bliss.

love isn't based on drama or just the pursuit or chase of the game, moving from one girl to another. if that's what you think love is, it isn't it. because when you're truly and deeply in love, all you want is the happiness of the other person. esoteric, you're going to need to mature a little more.



I remember some guy asking me "How do you describe love?" Well... I really don't KNOW how to describe it, but I told him something like this.... "It's like hiking down a path curving through the mountains. You'll come across some steady times and some steep times. You may lose sight of the path or fall down the mountain, but as long as your love is there to help you through it all, whatever happens in-between is the stuff of memories."

Now, mind you, that just came to my head and I told him that. Whether it made SENSE or not, I cannot tell :/

[LollipopLolita]

there isn't just one way to describe it. love is just love. that's about it. and once you are in love, then you are in love. but true love isn't about drama, conquests or games, it's selfless, kind and gentle, forgiving and patient and not selfish. and it's not about you anymore. it's not about wanting. it gives you strength, bliss and happiness. so yeah wraith, i get what you're talking about. if you question what it's like, then for sure you haven't been there.

seriously, it's overrated and people think too much about it and of it and expect too much from it. it's not instantly going to solve all your problems. but it might just make existing ones feel lighter on your shoulders. i'm thankful for the one i have.

22 http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/pandaroll.gif

[Siris]

"My heart has been broken so many times that falling in love with someone now means very little, because it happens so easily. I see love as only a perspective in which is a part of us, and has absolutely no link to another person having some connection with the other. That is not to say that you can fall in love with anyone, or that you can even fall in love at all. It is to say that if you fall in love with someone, you could fall in love with many people, because you only need the capacity to accept yourself to love someone."

Let me ask you your age? Love means different things to different people but your ideas of love are guaranteed to change with age.

[WraithVerge]

On 2004-04-24 10:06, LollipopLolita wrote:
there isn't just one way to describe it. love is just love. that's about it.



you're exactly right, but I just told the guy something to satisfy his question.

If you look at the opposite end of the spectrum, why do people HATE? What causes me to HATE something or someone? (I'm not looking for any serious answer here. If anyone can answers those questions about hate yet cannot answer the questions about love.... that's just odd since they're both human emotions.)

[LollipopLolita]

if you can have such a strong emotion such as love, then of course, there's something on the other side of the spectrum. hate. humans are capable of intense emotions. it's much easier to hate than it is to love. it's a lot easier to resort to hate and blame. it's only human nature. if you can like, you can dislike, if you can love, you can hate because humans are more prone to polarities and dualities. and there are many different reasons to hate someone.

it's a lot easier to be angry and say "you've wronged me, i hate you, you're scum." rather than "you've wronged me, but i understand, and i will control myself and not hate you because i forgive you."

[WraithVerge]

I hate you, Lolli.... yet I love you. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif

anyway...

Esoteric, like many have said already, this is most likely a phase. Just sort out your thoughts and emotions and keep moving forward in life. There's still so much left to do.



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: WraithVerge on 2004-04-25 08:32 ]</font>

[Hrith]

Do think less, let your emotions carry you, if they don't, move along.

[Scejntjynahl]

Love is not a problem, getting someone to love you as much as you love them, that is the problem.

[SorceressofTime]

this is all i gotta say:



"The Trouble With Love Is" by Kelly Clarkson

Love can be a many splendored thing
Can't deny the joy it brings
A dozen roses, diamond rings
Dreams for sale and fairy tales
It'll make you hear a symphony
And you just want the world to see
But like a drug that makes you blind,
It'll fool ya every time

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all

Now I was once a fool, it's true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world's a deeper blue
I'm sadder, but I'm wiser too
I swore I'd never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn't worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name

(The trouble with) The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all

Every time I turn around
I think I've got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin' and I keep on fallin'
Over and over again
The sad story always ends the same
Me standin' in the pourin' rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two

(The trouble with love is) The trouble with love, yeah
(It can tear you up inside) It can tear you up inside
(Make your heart believe a lie) Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride

(The trouble with love is)
It's in your heart
It's in your soul (doesn't care how fast you fall)
You won't get no control
(and you can't refuse the call)
See, you got no say at all

(The trouble with love is) Oh, yeah
(It can tear you up inside)
(Make your heart believe a lie)

[SorceressofTime]

and if anyone's wondering, i am not heartbroken. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif definetely not now. <3<3<3