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Sord
May 2, 2004, 05:35 PM
I can barely take it any more. My brothers are constantly raging, I'm getting yelled at by my mom, my littlest sister has become more of a hasle then ever thought possible, and I haven't seen a friendly face outside my family for days. It's like a mental tortue room. I have no where to run because of my grounding, nothing to do either. I ride my bike, but then I just get physically tired. I'm barely hanging on here. I feel like I'm balancing on the edge of a cliff, twisted thorns and ravenous beasts on land, and a quick and simple fall on the otherside, and I'm very close to taking the step off of the land. The only reason I am hanging on is because of 7 people, two of them on here. Just thinking of what they mean to me is making me cry as I write this.

I've put myself in a closet, seeing as I'm not even supposed to be on this laptop.

I feel so alone, and the worst part is, I know what I need, but I can't have it. I want someone to love and to hold, a shoulder to cry on, someone who understands me. Not some family member who loves me simply because I was born in their bloodline. But no one around me understands me, I'm diffrent then the people around me. The only ones who can possibly understand me are others who have gone through the same or worse,(and there's only one, which is my friend) and the problem is, you have to be older then just 15, a lot older, and still have an open mind. So how will it ever happen?! God I'm feel so depressed, I need someeone, yet I have no one, I feel like I'm going to die. A wrenching feeling is in my chest, feeling as though to claw it's way out. I'm sobbing silently, not wanting to be discovered. I am completely lost, I don't know what to do but sit/lay and cry, and that won't do a thing.

Sef
May 2, 2004, 05:52 PM
I'm sorry Sord. I haven't gone through anything like that.

The best I can offer is just remember you've still got people who need you. And you still have tons of us here.

Just keep thinking, "A couple more days." It's gotta pass sometime right?

I sorry if it didn't help much. I'm not very good when it comes to helping others with problems like this.

Daikarin
May 2, 2004, 05:55 PM
On 2004-05-02 15:35, Sord wrote:
I can barely take it any more. My brothers are constantly raging, I'm getting yelled at by my mom, my littlest sister has become more of a hasle then ever thought possible, and I haven't seen a friendly face outside my family for days.


Maybe you're spending too much time with your family. How old are you? Depending on your age, sometimes one needs a little time off the family to solve those issues. It's normal, as long as you don't exaggerate.

Go outside, socialize with different people, call a friend you haven't seen in a while, call a closer friend and say you need to talk or do something to make you feel good because you need it right now.

Or just go out to get some fresh air.



It's like a mental tortue room. I have no where to run because of my grounding, nothing to do either.


Forgive my english ignorance, but what do you mean with "Grounding"?

And there's always something to do. Have a walk, go have a drink, go to the arcade, go to the park, go study, go meet people, go see people.



I ride my bike, but then I just get physically tired.


Take out all the frustration you feel in pedalling to where the weels take you. That's a good way to release stress. Exercise.



I'm barely hanging on here. I feel like I'm balancing on the edge of a cliff, twisted thorns and ravenous beasts on land, and a quick and simple fall on the otherside, and I'm very close to taking the step off of the land. The only reason I am hanging on is because of 7 people, two of them on here. Just thinking of what they mean to me is making me cry as I write this.


There are times in life where it demands a lot out of you. Don't fall, Sord. Tighten your fists, push both sleeves up and stand against the adversities that come against you. That's the difference in people.

I know it should be tough to have strength. So first you have to let that frustration off somehow. Speak with a friend, PM somebody worth listening to you here, go ride your bike with every bit of energy you have, and then, after weeping the emotions off, take action.



I've put myself in a closet, seeing as I'm not even supposed to be on this laptop.


What you need to go out, or find something to make you ease off the stress. And if you're not supposed, then do what you think you must.



I feel so alone, and the worst part is, I know what I need, but I can't have it. I want someone to love and to hold, a shoulder to cry on, someone who understands me. Not some family member who loves me simply because I was born in their bloodline.


I'm sure your family sees you as more than a descendant. Just because people have trouble expressing something, or don't express it at all, doesn't mean that they don't feel it.

You can find that someone. But you need to take action and go search for it. It's a big world out there, don't feel limited to venture in it because of small things like fear, intimidation, or anything else.



But no one around me understands me, I'm diffrent then the people around me. The only ones who can possibly understand me are others who have gone through the same or worse,(and there's only one, which is my friend) and the problem is, you have to be older then just 15, a lot older, and still have an open mind. So how will it ever happen?! God I'm feel so depressed, I need someeone, yet I have no one, I feel like I'm going to die.


Are you different in what way? Expressing yourself about this helps, whether you believe it or not. In what way you feel different? Gone through the same?

Let it all out. Then calm down, think, and take action.



A wrenching feeling is in my chest, feeling as though to claw it's way out. I'm sobbing silently, not wanting to be discovered. I am completely lost, I don't know what to do but sit/lay and cry, and that won't do a thing.


Well, what else can I say. I know a friend of mine.

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/lemonte/card6.jpg

Heck, a guy can TRY to make him feel better, right?

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Even_Jin on 2004-05-02 15:56 ]</font>

_Ted_
May 2, 2004, 06:05 PM
Even_Jin, Grounding is when parents (or guardians) keep you inside and away from your friends for a period of time as punishment. So, he can't really escape and go walk around or anything. He's grounded and can't get away from his family, which is what is causing his frustrations to spill over.

Well Sord, I really don't know what to say except hang in there and those of us on PSOW are always here for you.

Daikarin
May 2, 2004, 06:16 PM
Ah, yes. I knew the term "Grounded", but didn't knew you could use it as a verb. Thank you Ted

Evil_Althena8
May 2, 2004, 06:49 PM
I take it you are in your early teens. I felt like that sometimes too. It's a completely normal thing, your emotions are getting a hold of you. Just hang in there, and these feelings will eventually pass you by. I used to be an angsty, cocky, didn't-care-about-anything kind of kid, but as you get older you will change. Things will get better...you'll see

Sord
May 2, 2004, 11:33 PM
To answer your question Elvin on how I am diffrent, there is a very long list specifically. To some it all up, it's how I think, and how I carry out my thoughts. No one around here is willing to sit around and think about life, love, friendships, science, philosophy, and so on for two hours straight, minimum. No one around here will stand up for what they believe in, and if they do, they retreat quickly. On top of that, everyone always wants to talk about something else other than themselves, or the person they are talking with. Romance is seen as just something to have for the fun of it, and I detest that. Most of this idiots can't even tell love from lust (in other words they just swoon over the hottest guys/gals they can find.) No one around here at my age wants a relationship in the way I want one. As for taking initiative in finding it, I have about 40 kids for each grades K-8, and I'm in 8th, and the above is how they act, and no older mature people are around. Of course I have highschool next year, but that's months away, and even then I'm not sure. I also have no limitless transportation other than my bike,nor any job, so i can't even go places where people are abundant.

Also, as for riding my bike till I'm warn out, then crying, and so on, that's what I've tried to do. Except every action backfires, and I still feel the same. Physical and mental states are completely seperate things for me. I still have no idea what to do.

Nai_Calus
May 2, 2004, 11:52 PM
Ah yes, the typical "Nobody else is like me, everyone else is a lame doodoohead that I'm so much smarter than, I'm so alone and nobody loves me wah" young teenage angst.

Get over it. It sounds heartless and like so much phony BS, but really, it's true. Just get over it. >_>; The entire world is not uneducated stupid scum, other people are like you, you're not alone, etc.

You're at the kind of age where people tend to act shallower because they want to be popular and liked, and the more sensitive ones such as yourself tend to be trampled. It sucks ass, doesn't it? High School is not going to be any better, sadly. Once you get to college, though, it gets a lot better. That's when you really start meeting the cool people who have similar viewpoints and thoughts and suddenly things seem less like 'I am alone' and more like 'Hey, look at all these people like me I can be friends with'.

So... Get over it, yeah? ^_^; Just tough it out and don't let the shit get you down. You'll be all the stronger for it. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, know all about it. ^^;

WraithVerge
May 3, 2004, 12:12 AM
You're at the kind of age where people tend to act shallower because they want to be popular and liked, and the more sensitive ones such as yourself tend to be trampled.

I never went through that phase. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/anime2.gif Although there WAS a time when everyone talked to me and I was considered "popular", but that was before everyone I knew became a drug addict.... and what WAS considered funny became lame.

----------------------

Sord... I wouldn't look forward to high school for a relationship. This is from experience at my school, which probably won't be EXACTLY the same as the HS you're going to go to, but in all likelihood there's a high chance that more than half the females will be S L U T T Y in all sense of the word and the other half will be unavailable. There's also the "group" thing you'll be placed in (jock, geek, druggy), which will decrease your chances of dating certain girls, but not completely eradicate your chances.

Me... I've been able to date two girls in High school and I'm probably considered to be in the "silent geek" group. Yet, because of my height and build, no one dares to say that to my face. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_evil.gif

Sord
May 3, 2004, 12:14 AM
On 2004-05-02 21:52, Ian-KunX wrote:
Ah yes, the typical "Nobody else is like me, everyone else is a lame doodoohead that I'm so much smarter than, I'm so alone and nobody loves me wah" young teenage angst.

So... Get over it, yeah? ^_^; Just tough it out and don't let the shit get you down.

STFU Ian, this shit isn't stuff you just get over. I highly doubt you have two brothers (twins) that are 5, yet weigh 90 pounds each, can pick up a 24" screen TV (not flat,) beat on the family for whatever reason, and get away with loads of shit, because they are bi-polar to an extreme degree, and the fact that they haave asthma which means steroids from time to time, which makes bi-polars' attidues 10x worse (scientifically.)

Then you have a sister that is obsessive compulsive, if one socks has the tiniest thing wrong with it, she wants a whole other pair, even if it's the only one (and this has happened plenty of mornings) and will throw tantrums till she gets it or a 80min fight insues till she's forced to wear them. She also possibly has ADD and several other learning disorders, and she dreads summerschool, and she's going to have to take it. If she throws a loud high-pitched tantrum over socks, then...

I also have your nomal typical pre-teen sister, ut she isn't much of a prob, she's the least.

Then my parents, always fighting over which is the best way to disipline my brothers and obssesive sister, over money, medication, and virtually everything thing else in the literal sense. Fighting is normal in a relationship, but not 90% constant for years on end.

On top of all this, I have my own problems. I have recently been dignosed with bi-polar myself. I take Lithium Carbonate, Effexor, and Serquil. And if you read the my first rant on my past, you would know for sure that I haven't lived a normal life. Also, I am diffrent in school, as I have pointed out already, my school is pretty small, especially for middle-scool/jr. high standards. There's less then 500 kids in the whole school. On top of that, I have an IQ in the top 9% of the nation, and no one thinks like me, and I know it for a fact Ian. I've asked every single student in the 8th grade how they feel on certain subjects, and why in a detailed maner. They could always say how they felt, but rarely why, and never in great detail. I am alone where I am, I know there are people out there like me, IO'm just saying they are no where near me. I never said I was diffrent then everyone else Ian, I know there are people who got it worse then me, but if I worry about them right now, I ought to just kill myself now. So once again STFU cause you haven't been there, and you probably never will, and sure as hell don't have a t-shirt for it http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/eviltongue.gif




EDIT:



On 2004-05-02 22:12, WraithVerge wrote:

Sord... I wouldn't look forward to high school for a relationship. This is from experience at my school, which probably won't be EXACTLY the same as the HS you're going to go to, but in all likelihood there's a high chance that more than half the females will be S L U T T Y in all sense of the word and the other half will be unavailable. There's also the "group" thing you'll be placed in (jock, geek, druggy), which will decrease your chances of dating certain girls, but not completely eradicate your chances.

Me... I've been able to date two girls in High school and I'm probably considered to be in the "silent geek" group. Yet, because of my height and build, no one dares to say that to my face. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_evil.gif



Well, you'll have to trust me when I say looks are not something I look for very much in a girl. In all honesty it's their personality, how they think, and how smart they are (and that does not mean grades and such.) Either way, if I don't get expelled (my grounding is related to this) I'll be going to a high-school with over 2000 teens in it, so there's at least a moderate chance of at least one person being there, I just have to find her.

As for the class thing, I ask what people would put me in, but most can't come up with any cause I'm to unpredictable or something. I dunno, I guess for the fun of it I can list some traits and someone can tell me what they think I'm in.

-Doesn't mind playing sports, hates watching them
-Excels in the four basic subject, but hates math and social studies
-Likes music and art
-May come to school one day with average clothes, next day goth, then maybe torn up, ect. same for hair
-Tends to argue points a lot, and doesn't give up easily
-Is silent for the first few weeks, but then talks just about as much as any other person when approached.
-My build is somewhere between a football player and an average guy (broad shoulders, large chest, 5'9", can pick you up off your feet and pin you to a wall... partly why I'm grounded)
-I rarely ever eat school food cause i think it's sickening, and don't like cold food because I just don't like to eat cold things except for desserts and drinks, in other words I'm picky
-Normally won't bother to go to someone, but is perfectly fine to a person that comes to me (unless they do so in an agressive manner... which has yet to work out for them in a good way)






ah shit, i can hear my parents fighting right now, and they are right upstais, and it's 12:28am. I can here my mom sobbing, but as usual she's the agressor.

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Sord on 2004-05-02 22:33 ]</font>

Outrider
May 3, 2004, 01:52 AM
I seem to remember a very similar thread by PaleKid a while back.

Seriously, Sord... listen to Ian here. While nobody has the exact same experiences, they boil down to very similar things.

Things will eventually get better, and I actually think that high school might be a good thing for you. I'm not sure how your school system works, but at least where I come from, the high school was much bigger than the middle school. Therefore, there were more people of varying different groups. But you can't really expect people to just flock to you. Join clubs, go out and talk to people, etc.

Oh yeah. Don't go expecting to find true love in high school, dude. You'll probably find a few girls you like and you really connect with, but in the end they're probably just better as friends. That's something it's taken me until college to figure out (and I still don't have a complete grasp of the concept), and as a result of one situation with a girl, I've now got one of my best friends in the world.

Just roll with it and do your best.

DarthFomar
May 3, 2004, 01:59 AM
This experience will make you a stronger person in life...you will look back and say that made me the man I am today. It will forever change you. My grandfather died when I was 1 yrs old. If I was about 5 or 6 I would have remembered it for the rest of my life. But I wasn't old enought to remember him. Painful life experiences will make ease up in time...which should mold a strong presence of your soul. At least I think. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif

Nai_Calus
May 3, 2004, 09:43 AM
No, Sord, I don't have your exact experiences. Would you like mine?

Parents divored when I was six. I came home Christmas morning to a half-empty house after my mother refused to let my father see me on Christmas eve, which was the final straw that sent him packing.

The courts, of course, put me with my mother. My mother is a verbally and physically abusive woman. Now that I'm older and bigger than her, she's stopped hitting and slapping and punching me for the most part. When I was younger, though, I couldn't go two days without getting hit for something. And I don't mean boo-hoo, I gots a spanking. I mean curling into a ball on the floor covering your head with your arms while your mother beats at you repeatedly with her fists and screams at you that you're a worthless failure, a fucking bitch, a whore, etc. She still does the verbal shit. I just roll my eyes at it now. It used to send me running into my room, locking the door and sobbing myself to sleep. She would, and still does, do this kind of shit for something as retarded as the cats peeing over the side of the litterpan, which was always somehow my fault.

My father is the polar opposite of my mother. Slow to anger, nice, has never hit me, is someone I can talk to and tell about my problems. Dad is transsexual. Which gives me no angst other than a constant fear for her safety. I only saw her every other weekend before I got moved to North Carolina with my mom, and now I see her twice a year at most.

I am lucky in having no siblings, merely a half-sister I've rarely had to have much contact with. My stepmother is a different story and not much different from my mom, but the one crucial difference with her is that she actually gave a fuck about me and actually encouraged me to do things in her own way. Her and dad are of course divorced now.

I have Asperger's Syndrome. This was finally diagnosed 2 years ago after going un/misdiagnosed for eighteen years.

I've been variously diagnosed with ADD, depression, manic-depressive, half the fucking book. I've been on medication for years that made me constantly tired, made me ache, made me feel like someone else entirely, dulled my emotions, dulled everything, made me hungry, made me not hungry... None of it did fuck-all.

I've got transient nervous tics and habits I'm not even aware of to break. I'll do things over and over again, do things obsessively, act completely irrationally. I need to watch what I eat, certain things make me sick or mess me up in the head. People think I'm crazy just looking at me. Socially I'm utterly inept. I have trouble speaking, can't make eye contact because it is physically painful and don't relate to other people at all most of the time.

I have never had a social life outside of the internet, and I don't really want one.

No, I'm not retarded, Asperger's is Autism, but without the retardation. I'm actually considered a low-level genius by my IQ. It's the useless kind of intelligence, though. Not the kind that helps you get around in the world, the kind that keeps you glued to a book for hours reading, or a computer for hours typing something. The kind that sucks ass.

When I was twelve I spent three months in some shitty little institutional-type thing for kids with mental problems after I had to be restrained in a parking lot after flying into another rage in class and taken away in an ambulance after I started beating my head on the pavement. I consider those months one of the bizzarely happier times of my life.

I've been expelled from school several times in grade school. I got expelled in Kindergarten. I got held back in Kindergarten. I skipped the third grade and pissed off the sixth graders in a 4-5-6 grade combined class by knowing more math, english and other stuff than they did.

I was in alternative schools from 5th grade to my Senior year of high school, stuck there with people even worse off than me. I was literally the most intelligent person there. But I used to fly into screaming rages at things during which I'd throw desks, unabriged dictionaries, anything large I could get my hands on. Classes consisted in the middle/high "school" I went to of people ranging from 13 to 18 thrown into a room together, handed a textbook and told to do the exercizes. There was no instruction. Everyone else wasn't a virgin. Everyone else had a criminal record. Everyone else had problems even worse than mine.

I got moved to North Carolina. They put me in normal classes in the normal High School. I pulled straight As. I got a 1380 on the SATs. I went away to an art college in Memphis and pulled straight Fs. I came back here and enrolled in the community college and pulled another set of straight As. I have people I talk to, people online I consider dear friends, still no job or real freedom, etc. Is my life sunshine and roses? Well, no. But it could be a hell of a lot worse.

Well, there's me, Sord. Wanna switch?

As I predicted, you didn't listen to a thing I said in my last post, but maybe some examples will help this time. Really, it DOES get better. I HAVE been there, I HAVE done that, I don't have the t-shirt, you're right, but only because Hot Topic doesn't usually carry my size. XP

Again, hang in there. Write all the bitchy rants you'll look back on and shake your head in disgust at a few years from now you want, listen to all the angry music, write all the angsty poetry... Get it out. Don't internalize it, whatever you do. And don't let it get to you, either. People have it worse. People have it better. It will get better for you. It will take time, but it will. Just hang in there. And don't cut yourself like I did, either, the scars have a nasty habit of not going away.

Siris
May 3, 2004, 10:11 AM
On 2004-05-02 21:33, Sord wrote:
To answer your question Elvin on how I am diffrent, there is a very long list specifically. To some it all up, it's how I think, and how I carry out my thoughts. No one around here is willing to sit around and think about life, love, friendships, science, philosophy, and so on for two hours straight, minimum. No one around here will stand up for what they believe in, and if they do, they retreat quickly. On top of that, everyone always wants to talk about something else other than themselves, or the person they are talking with. Romance is seen as just something to have for the fun of it, and I detest that. Most of this idiots can't even tell love from lust (in other words they just swoon over the hottest guys/gals they can find.) No one around here at my age wants a relationship in the way I want one. As for taking initiative in finding it, I have about 40 kids for each grades K-8, and I'm in 8th, and the above is how they act, and no older mature people are around. Of course I have highschool next year, but that's months away, and even then I'm not sure. I also have no limitless transportation other than my bike,nor any job, so i can't even go places where people are abundant.

Also, as for riding my bike till I'm warn out, then crying, and so on, that's what I've tried to do. Except every action backfires, and I still feel the same. Physical and mental states are completely seperate things for me. I still have no idea what to do.



This is good though Sord, write it out. Are your parents open minded enough to where you can sit down and talk to them about how you are feeling right now? Can you offer to do a different punishment for some time off grounding (like yard work or washing the cars...something to at least get you out for a while?)

Evil_Althena8
May 3, 2004, 02:29 PM
On 2004-05-02 22:14, Sord wrote:

STFU Ian, this shit isn't stuff you just get over. I highly doubt you have two brothers (twins) that are 5, yet weigh 90 pounds each, can pick up a 24" screen TV (not flat,) beat on the family for whatever reason, and get away with loads of shit, because they are bi-polar to an extreme degree, and the fact that they haave asthma which means steroids from time to time, which makes bi-polars' attidues 10x worse (scientifically.)

Then you have a sister that is obsessive compulsive, if one socks has the tiniest thing wrong with it, she wants a whole other pair, even if it's the only one (and this has happened plenty of mornings) and will throw tantrums till she gets it or a 80min fight insues till she's forced to wear them. She also possibly has ADD and several other learning disorders, and she dreads summerschool, and she's going to have to take it. If she throws a loud high-pitched tantrum over socks, then...

I also have your nomal typical pre-teen sister, ut she isn't much of a prob, she's the least.

Then my parents, always fighting over which is the best way to disipline my brothers and obssesive sister, over money, medication, and virtually everything thing else in the literal sense. Fighting is normal in a relationship, but not 90% constant for years on end.

On top of all this, I have my own problems. I have recently been dignosed with bi-polar myself. I take Lithium Carbonate, Effexor, and Serquil. And if you read the my first rant on my past, you would know for sure that I haven't lived a normal life. Also, I am diffrent in school, as I have pointed out already, my school is pretty small, especially for middle-scool/jr. high standards. There's less then 500 kids in the whole school. On top of that, I have an IQ in the top 9% of the nation, and no one thinks like me, and I know it for a fact Ian. I've asked every single student in the 8th grade how they feel on certain subjects, and why in a detailed maner. They could always say how they felt, but rarely why, and never in great detail. I am alone where I am, I know there are people out there like me, IO'm just saying they are no where near me. I never said I was diffrent then everyone else Ian, I know there are people who got it worse then me, but if I worry about them right now, I ought to just kill myself now. So once again STFU cause you haven't been there, and you probably never will, and sure as hell don't have a t-shirt for it http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/eviltongue.gif


Ok...many kids your age believe they are special and smarter than everyone else, and think they have the worst problems out of everybody. Well, guess what, DON'T WE ALL? When I was 13 I was studying occult subjects such as runes, tarot cards, magickal theory, astrology etc.. AND I believed that no one else was like me and that I was smarter than everyone else. I tought myself how to play piano...does that make me so much better than anyone else? Everyone has problems, and it is scientifically known that young adolescent kids go through weird changes that make them think and act odd. Yeah, I've had to deal with fucked up family issues too. Just because you believe you're the only doesn't mean you have to sit here and cry about it. You'll get over it, and when your like 17-18 years old you will be a COMPLETELY different person than you were just a couple years ago. to sum this thread up in 3 words.....GET OVER IT

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Evil_Althena8 on 2004-05-03 12:36 ]</font>

FOAtHeart
May 3, 2004, 03:25 PM
Wow, Sord. I'm not really a person who gives good advice, ask anyone I've given any kind of advice here, but I think you should really get it out of your system.

Oh, God, that sounded stupid. This isn't something you can "get out of your system" is it?

*bangs head on wall*

I don't know what to say...I mean, you're going through a hard time. Everybody does, right?
And Ranting helps. It does for me. And from what you described yourself to be, we're a lot alike.

And about the "I oughta kill myself now anyway" remark:

That's horrible. Seriously. NEVER EVER consider, even just THINK about killing yourself. I mean, you sound, really...I can't think of a word, but, God, I couldn't imagine things without you around anymore. (Sorry if that's weird, but in my standards, you're one of the best friends I've ever had.)

But, do whatever you can to makle yourself feel better. And if you can't think of what to do next, talk to someone. ANYONE. Even a hobo on the street or a stranger in the school halls. It helps.

PM me sometime, we could talk. For hours if you like. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wink.gif

Hope you feel better soon, you'll be in my thoughts.

And that's my two cents.

Daikarin
May 3, 2004, 06:06 PM
I just love it when people start the "who's got the darkest background" play.

HUnewearl_Meira
May 3, 2004, 06:14 PM
On 2004-05-02 15:35, Sord wrote:
I can barely take it any more. My brothers are constantly raging, I'm getting yelled at by my mom, my littlest sister has become more of a hasle then ever thought possible, and I haven't seen a friendly face outside my family for days. It's like a mental tortue room. I have no where to run because of my grounding, nothing to do either. I ride my bike, but then I just get physically tired. I'm barely hanging on here. I feel like I'm balancing on the edge of a cliff, twisted thorns and ravenous beasts on land, and a quick and simple fall on the otherside, and I'm very close to taking the step off of the land. The only reason I am hanging on is because of 7 people, two of them on here. Just thinking of what they mean to me is making me cry as I write this.

I've put myself in a closet, seeing as I'm not even supposed to be on this laptop.

I feel so alone, and the worst part is, I know what I need, but I can't have it. I want someone to love and to hold, a shoulder to cry on, someone who understands me. Not some family member who loves me simply because I was born in their bloodline. But no one around me understands me, I'm diffrent then the people around me. The only ones who can possibly understand me are others who have gone through the same or worse,(and there's only one, which is my friend) and the problem is, you have to be older then just 15, a lot older, and still have an open mind. So how will it ever happen?! God I'm feel so depressed, I need someeone, yet I have no one, I feel like I'm going to die. A wrenching feeling is in my chest, feeling as though to claw it's way out. I'm sobbing silently, not wanting to be discovered. I am completely lost, I don't know what to do but sit/lay and cry, and that won't do a thing.



Even in the darkest part of the night, there's still light in the sky.

Just give that comment a good and thorough thought. Then do it a couple more times. You'll feel better.

Esoteric
May 3, 2004, 09:59 PM
I look at this differently. I'm not going to be another person who looks at this and says "get over it" because that is not the case here in my opinion.

It seems you have the same state of mind as I on certain things, such as having the overwhelming drive to have pure love in your life. My concern is, first you must step out of the picture of desire for a moment and ask yourself honestly, would the love really be a cure-all to your pain?

I as you have went through many phases like this and I continue to do so, but I am wiser as I learn from the mistakes and lessons that have taken place. You must first think of it in this way, will love really help? I will tell you a little bit of my own experience with this, maybe then you will think just a little more about this before you make any harsh decisions on anything.

I actually started having the same emotions and thought processes as you at your age, as the depression and stress began to build. I am now 18, and have had depression for nearly three years, and though I won't go into who has it harder or how anyone should feel about their own life over another -- I will say that I too wanted a way out when there appeared to be none, a release from all there was that caused me pain, and I also considered suicide an option at times.

The interesting thing I have learned from love is that it always comes when you least expect it, and that it never works in the way you picture it. I did meet a girl who became my love, who seemed to light up my life and push down some of the pain that I had been through. All my thoughts became of her, I no longer had to worry about my own problems as much with her around and it was great. But this didn't come from the worry of finding one, hell I tried finding one as hard as I possibly could and it only lead my down roads of hurting them and myself from a love that would never be formed in people I should have never loved in the first place. Then one day, some random girl starts talking to me for who knows what reason. We continued talking and we fell in love, and I have known her ever since.

Aww.. what a perfect ending right? Wrong. Though love can help at times it can also be very destructive. When the type of person who has formed his or her life around a suffering of depression, illness, or anything like that falls into a relationship -- you need to be aware that it can hinder as much as it helps. Sure it was an amazing feeling to lose some of the daily stress of life, but it also tore me apart many times far more than anything else ever could. This may sound strange but, to care sometimes means to hurt just as much. Falling in love was very painful at times, as we would talk about some of the other people we liked at first to create jealousy, stop talking for a day or two over some little thing that upset us, and when that happens when you really care for someone it hurts extremely. To attatch yourself to someone at your age is perfectly possible but also know that even you don't know exactly what you would be getting yourself into though you may think that you do. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not telling you to avoid love or that your perspective is wrong, only that things may work out better if you step out of the picture just a bit.

We all think in our own ways, and I'm sure yours is very unique to yourself in that it is true to some extent that nobody else would think like you. But the thing is, you just can't force things to happen and that worrying about not finding someone will do nothing. This is my most important advice right here, and I can't emphasize this enough: When you let things go their course, no matter how depressing or terrible they may seem, there is always more than meets the eye. Open your mind to the possibility of love finding you, and trust that it will, just don't expect to find it immediately or give up hope. Look around you too, you may find that what you seek is closer than it seems.

I know what I am about to say now may be very controversial but to me this would be my best advice. If you do get to spend a decent amount of time online, and I'm assuming you do by your post count, why not meet someone online? The girlfriend I spoke of did in fact meet me online, and she lives far away and I don't know if we will ever meet. But would this be a possibility? You need to keep as many doors as you can open, they may not all be closed as you think them to be. I truly believe that what you seek can come to you, just that it has to happen naturally and that you can't force love to come to you. Keep your eyes open all around you, and who knows what could happen. Take it day by day, and take pride that one who has the capacity to want love as much as you is destined to find it as long as he doesn't become blind to a certain type of person that could only be the right one, that there are many people out there who you wouldn't expect to fall in love with,that might actually happen and at any moment -- things can change. I have experienced it first hand, so it isn't impossible and is in fact very likely if you can be open with the world around you no matter how cruel it may seem.

Man.. don't give up hope, you can't. I'm telling you that is not the right choice at all, things can and will get better. Just feel it in your heart that it can, trust that it must happen and that it can't be any other way. The only certainty we have in life is change, though I know we always want to rush it, but it will fall in place with time. Please trust me when I say there is always hope. The reason I made such a long post is because I was there, you remind me of myself and that is why I cared to tell you all of this. In the darkest times you must rise above it, be strong even when you feel you can't go on. Find any pride in yourself and let it build, fight against your pain and worry at all costs. Don't let the pain win.. I know you can beat it, do it.

Newdroid
Jul 16, 2004, 11:42 AM
My mom emotionally abuses me and my sister.I know what you are going through.Write in a journal or notebook.It makes me feel better.Or chew gum or draw.I hardly have any friends at all exept my cousin.He's m only true friend.Hang in there and you'll do better after some time,though I know you probobly don't believeve me...

navci
Jul 16, 2004, 12:17 PM
Please read the forum rules and don't bump old topics!

You scared me into think Sord is in another big trouble again. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_frown.gif

Eanae
Jul 16, 2004, 12:37 PM
http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_eek.gif Wow... am I glad this was a bump... I hope things got better... man... I had a wrench in my stomache the whole time reading that x.X Now I wanna know what happened! Is everything ok? >.<