Meh.

[Nai_Calus]

Mom has been a fucking volcano lately. She's been up to the old screaming and throwing things at me and calling me worthless and a failure again and screaming about fucking everything, I can't even fucking AGREE with her about something without being screamed at to shut up and she tried to hit me again for the first time in years the other day for no apparent reason. What the fuck?

And I so fucking do not need this kind of shit right now. SO FUCKING DO NOT. I have a fuckload of shit I need to get done, I can't concentrate to do it, I can't sleep, I have to force myself to eat and I keep fucking crying myself to sleep like I'm fucking 8 again. Doesn't fucking help that everyone else I know is either busy or also fucked in the head and I have nobody to fucking talk to about it. The people I do still have contact with, I'm not close enough to/don't trust enough/don't think are quite mature enough to talk to about it and I'm just kind of slowly going completely fucking crazy. The other day I tried to fucking cut myself again, I haven't pulled that shit in years either. What the fuck.

Finals are being shit and hell and stuff. The teacher had such a negative reaction to the 'safe' topic I suggested for my final speech in public speaking that I know I'll get a bad grade if I do it, and the other one I've come up with I am literally fucking terrified to give. I'm so fucking scared of it I can't even fucking start on it, and it's due tommorow. We've got fucking religious fundies, some of them the violent type, in my class, and all kinds of people who are hostile to the topic, and I'm afraid that if I do give a speech on this topic and reveal the kinds of things about myself I'd need to, they would fucking find out where I live and fucking lynch me. And I can't think of anything else to do for it, especially not on this short of a notice.

And I'm utterly convinced that I've failed/will fail at least half my classes, and if I have, when mom finds out about it she will fucking kill me. I'm so terrified of how she'll react and what she'd do that I've actually wondered what it would take to get a gun. Oh, not for her, no, for me. Yeah, I'm so fucked in the head right now I'm fucking considering suicide as a method of not having to deal with all this shit anymore. And why the fuck not? I don't have fucking anyone I can talk to and nobody would fucking miss me. Mom would be happy, less money she'd have to spend on me and she could get me out of her hair permanently, and it's not like I even fucking know anyone else who would care. So why the fuck not? Fuck, it's the only way I'd even have control of anything in my life. Just end the fucking thing, it isn't doing me or anyone else any goddamned good. Gun's probably out of the realm of a possibility, though. We do have nice knives, and stuff that could be potentially deadly if taken in excess... ODing on pills is so fucking girly, though. Gah, fuck everything. Just fuck it all. Fuck. Why the hell am I even posting this shit? Nobody will fucking care anyway.

[Armok]

Calm down mate. Things seem bad but don't take it too far. The world always seems worse than it is. The pressure of getting good grades is unfounded they aint important you can live a happy life without high level schooling its not the be all and end all.

Ignore all thats negative in your life and focus on one positive factor using that to hold you through the rough times. It sounds like crap but really works as a stress relief. If worst comes to worst fuck it you can live in my basement.

[navci]

-_-

If you can, spend some time out of the house.... At least that way you can spend time away from your mother and gather yourself together. Aside from that, I got no advice. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_frown.gif

[Nai_Calus]

Can't spend time out of the house. Don't have a job, can't afford gas. I can only drive to school and then come home when I'm done.

And good grades do matter to my mother. And since she basically controls my life and I have no say in fucking anything... Yeah.

Again, fuck it. There isn't fucking shit I can do about anything. I really would be better off dead.

[Garanz2]

Whoa Ian, calm down. There is nothing stupider than killing yourself. You waste your entire life in one act of selfishness. Imagine the pain your friends and relatives would feel if you went that far.

Yes, life can be a total bitch sometimes, but where there's life, there's hope. There are professional people that you can talk to about problems like that. Slow down and think about the positive things in your life. Explain to your teacher what the problem is and make sure he/she understands. You shouldn't force yourself to work.

I'm hardly an expert on these things, but I suggest you should simply relax, let the stress out, maybe sleep on it, and see someone about helping you. Trust me, in a situation like this, things only rarely turn out as badly as you think.

I know I haven't worded this post very well, and I doubt a few simple lines of text typed in by a guy you've never met will make you feel better, but if you take things slowly and calmly, everything can get worked out in the end. There is no such thing as an inescapable situation.



No one simply becomes
a hero for no reason.
Even if it's against the odds,
You must give it a shot.

You said it yourself. Just don't give up.

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Garanz2 on 2004-05-10 14:26 ]</font>

[Evil_Althena8]

hmm sounds like another case a super-stessful teen syndrome. I too, suffer from this. Constantly getting yelled and screamed at about how lazy I am and this and that and how I'm gonna get kicked out. Instead of worrying about it and getting upset about it, I just completely ingore my parents which pisses them off even more and I laugh in their face. I don't let ANYONE control me, even if it means making sacrifices. That's just the way I am, and if they don't like it, they can go fuck themselves.

[Robo47]

I got an idea, it may be slightly stupid, but I'll say it anyway.


Let your mother know who she's messing with, stand your ground. Let a few flying abjects hit you, the more bruises you get from her the more screwed over she'll become. When you feel nessecery, call the cops and they'll do your dirty work.

Also, if you hate your mom so much, dont obey her rules, no one is making you stay there. Just get in your car and head to a relatives no matter what your mom does.

No one wants to see Ian Kun X dissapear from the world, it may not seem like it but someone out there truly cares for you.

Don't break down, things will always work out.

[Nai_Calus]

On 2004-05-10 14:22, Garanz2 wrote:
Whoa Ian, calm down. There is nothing stupider than killing yourself. You waste your entire life in one act of selfishness. Imagine the pain your friends and relatives would feel if you went that far.


My mother does not care about me at all. She puts the CATS before me. She never says a single kind or loving word to me and is always talking on the phone when she thinks I'm not listening about how glad she'll be when I'm gone and she doesn't have to put up with me anymore and what a failure I am and how much I always fuck up. The rest of my family is basically the same. Dad actually cares, but he'd get over it. It's not like he gets to see me much anyway.

As for friends... I don't really have any. People I only know from the internet, most of whom I barely know or barely talk to anymore.

I don't care about 'wasting' my life, it's already a waste and not likely to improve any time soon. And how is it selfish to do something that will actually make people fucking HAPPY?

The people who would immediately know about it would be happy, and the people it'd eventually filter through to wouldn't care. Sorry, I don't really have any ties.



Yes, life can be a total bitch sometimes, but where there's life, there's hope. There are professional people that you can talk to about problems like that. Slow down and think about the positive things in your life. Explain to your teacher what the problem is and make sure he/she understands. You shouldn't force yourself to work.


Ah, psychobabble. The same kinds of assholes who always said my mother couldn't possibly be doing the kinds of things she does when I worked up the nerve to tell them about it? Oh yeah, I sure believe in that shit, going to your counselor at school, working up the nerve to tell them you're being abused, and having them laugh in your face? Yeah. Right. Sure, I'm gonna go spill my guts to one of those assholes. I'll get better counselling from a sheet of paper.

What positive things? I have mental disorders that profoundly fuck my ability to socialize, care about anything and work up the energy to do anything. My mother is a controlling bitch who hates my guts. I can't find anything to care about or give a shit about. I'm currently living for June 10th so I can go give blood again, and that's about the only thing in my life I'm looking forward to.

And my teachers don't care.



I'm hardly an expert on these things, but I suggest you should simply relax, let the stress out, maybe sleep on it, and see someone about helping you. Trust me, in a situation like this, things only rarely turn out as badly as you think.


I've been sleeping on this kind of shit my entire life. Things usually turn out worse than I think, which is fucking pathetic, I'm the world's biggest goddamned pessimist. The glass is half empty, and someone just knocked it over. Whee.



I know I haven't worded this post very well, and I doubt a few simple lines of text typed in by a guy you've never met will make you feel better, but if you take things slowly and calmly, everything can get worked out in the end. There is no such thing as an inescapable situation.


Oh, there is, there is. Trust me. There is.

[Nai_Calus]

Oh, and getting in a car and driving to a relative doesn't work:

1. It's not my car. It's my mother's. She owns it. I take it, that's grand theft auto without the baseball bat. XP
2. I'm from California. I live in North Carolina. Mom got transferred. All my relatives, whether they hate me or not, still live in California. It's a good 2,500 miles at least.
3. Only my dad would take me, and she can't afford to do so.

So. Again. Fuck it.

[Solstis]

That is a bad situation, and I probably can't give any advice without sounding conceited or such.

http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_frown.gif

Well, whatever you do Ian, don't go off and kill yourself.

[DarthFomar]

All I have to say.....is commiting suicide is a first class ticket to hell. And that will be worse than what you are dealing with right now. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/anime1.gif

Moral of the story....do not commite suicide. Go have fun {I don't know how....just go and do something}. Go knock over cows, beat a puncing bag, frag some ppl in a mutliplayer game. Let it out before it takes a turn for the worst.

If all else fails, you can have my Twitchy Poo



http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_bunny.gif

See doesn't he make you happy?! http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif

[Nai_Calus]

I'm an atheist, but thanks. The twitchy thingie does make me feel better. XP

[DarthFomar]

Good....cuz I would hate to see a fellow PSOer kill themselves......{well I wouldn't see it http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif, but you get the point}.

http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_hamster.gif

here play with Ham-Ham.... http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_yes.gif http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_smile.gif

[DOG21313]

On 2004-05-10 14:09, Ian-KunX wrote:
Nobody will fucking care anyway.



Nobody will care, eh? I will. Every time there is a possible MKB drop, I try to call it so that you can get one. Your a good friend to me, even if I dont get to see you much because of our differing playing hours. Heh, I am not exactly going through a fun time in my life either. My only good real life friend (By good, i mean that talks to me at all) is moving away. He is moving a WHOLE continent away from me, to Venezuela. I most likely wont ever see him again, in person at least. You kill yourself, and thats one more reason for me to do the same. I am completly serious about this, my friends are the only reasons I am still alive right now, and they have been thinning fast lately. On PSO, some are going off to college. In real life, most dont even talk to me anymore and one is moving.

You are hurting others if you hurt yourself, that should be reason enough to live. My advice is to somehow get some money and then just run away for a while. Or save enough for a plane ticket somehow and fly over to California. That is what I would do personally.

I really hope this helps. I wouldnt want to lose you as a friend.

Edit: I dug this out of another thread.

A wise person once wrote:
Again, hang in there. Write all the bitchy rants you'll look back on and shake your head in disgust at a few years from now you want, listen to all the angry music, write all the angsty poetry... Get it out. Don't internalize it, whatever you do. And don't let it get to you, either. People have it worse. People have it better. It will get better for you. It will take time, but it will.

Take your own advice, please. Killing yourself right now would not help you, it would not help the people who care about you. If you kill yourself, that ***** you call your mother will be happy, and from what i have read, she certainly doesnt deserve it.

Just hang on, if not for yourself, for others.

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: DOG21313 on 2004-05-10 17:32 ]</font>

[Sharkyland]

I don't what to say, but I hope everything gets better.

[KodiaX987]

Your mom just has to endure you come hell or high water. Finish up your studies if any, get a job if not done so already, and rack up the cash to go some other place ASAFP. Your mom doesn't like you, you don't like your mom, and thus there's no reason for you to stick within 50 ft of her any longer. You need to plan a strategy to make it so that as soon as you're done with whatever you have to do, you say goodbye the next day and grab an apartment or something. Run an ad in the newspaper to find people to live with and share the costs.

It is gonna be a pain in the ass, trust me. Studying and saving cash won't be the most pleasant thing in the world, but I'm positive finally moving out will be like a psychological orgasm and the next day, I guarantee you'll be pleased as punch.

[DarthFomar]

Go ride a Trolly...you will feel better. Mr. Rogers always felt better after he rode one. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_lol.gif

No seriously go for a cruise {a car ride http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif}. If your mom tries to stop you, just ignore her. Get back home and tell her you are on the brink of death {commiting suicide}. If she is a human being, she will work things out. If not then your mom is an Alien spy. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_lol.gif



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: DarthFomar on 2004-05-10 18:11 ]</font>

[Schpitz]

I like to punch the wall when my parents are giving me shit. I'm just worried about how much wall will be you're through with it, Ian.

BTW, I'm suprised Eihwaz isn't in here giving you some exerpts from the new "Chicken Soup for the PSO-World Soul"

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Schpitz on 2004-05-10 19:56 ]</font>

[Garanz2]

Whoa - sorry. Just trying to help.

[PJ]

That was the scariest rant I've ever read... *shudder*

Well, if nobody RL cares about you, rest assured a lot of people here would feel bad to see you just disappear. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_cry.gif

[-Luke-]

Ok. There is more chance of finding a Sealed J than you actually knowing who I am. But anyway. For fucks sake. I play PSO on XBox, and because of 'meeting' people like you, I have seriously considered shelling out over 150 Euro for a Gamecube and PSO. Just to play with someone like you. And for sommeone who gets 20 Euro a month, thas quite impressive. If people around you don't give a shit about you, they don't know shit. That simple. Fuck them. You are a great person, and if they can't recognise that, and I quote KodiaX, "BOO MOTHER FUCKING HOO". They will someday, by the time you are gone and can look back and laugh at them.
Luke

[navci]

On 2004-05-10 14:09, Ian-KunX wrote:
Nobody will fucking care anyway.


I now officially announce that sentence is wrong. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif

[Nai_Calus]

On 2004-05-11 12:51, navi wrote:


On 2004-05-10 14:09, Ian-KunX wrote:
Nobody will fucking care anyway.


I now officially announce that sentence is wrong. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif



I now officially announce that your permahunger has worn off on me. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_disapprove.gif

[lain2k3]

On 2004-05-11 15:10, Ian-KunX wrote:


On 2004-05-11 12:51, navi wrote:


On 2004-05-10 14:09, Ian-KunX wrote:
Nobody will fucking care anyway.


I now officially announce that sentence is wrong. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif



I now officially announce that your permahunger has worn off on me. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_disapprove.gif



http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_lol.gif I now officially announce that You would be missed, should such a terrible thing ever come to pass.

You've always been one of the quirkiest, funniest, most enjoyable people here. If you could just get up to introducing yourself somewhere, there's bound to be people that will like you. you can do it, Zoloft* can help.


*BTW - this shit works

[Scrub]

Well, I don't really know you, but if you ever need to talk, I can call after 9 on my cell phone(Well, Cell Phone is US only, but I think I have a calling card somewhere that I could use for elsewhere) and at least listen what you have to say.o_o; Sorry, and it's not much, but it's about all I can offer.

[FOAtHeart]

Oh, Ian, don't say that. I realize your life is terrible. But...well, sucide is never the answer.

Er, suicide is the question, the answer is no.

So, follow everyone else's advice, i suck ass at that.

just flip off the world and get out your emotion, because ranting and screaming and raving is helpful.

t(>.<t)

[LadyRedComet]

I suggest raw physical activity. Martial arts, yoga, and dance all work very well (in my experience). Do it for a while and standing up is just about all you can think about. Plus you'll come out of the experience feeling better and with a clearer head.

[Bradicus]

On 2004-05-10 14:09, Ian-KunX wrote:
Nobody will fucking care anyway.

http://pso-world.com/images/phpbb/avatar/ep33.gif
he will