BlackRose: Naked and Angry

[BlackRose]

You know, that kind of frustrated rage that makes you want to break whatever's causing it. Smash it to pieces with some kind of brute force. Well, I'm full of it.

Only I can cause myself this anger. I don't think I'll ever be as attached to anything as I am to myself. Unfortunately. Because it only takes one tiny frustration, one tiny failure, one game over, and it begins. I notice it right away, the sudden blank of mind, the involuntary gasp... and then it's impossible to stop. Because I hate this feeling; it causes me to destroy the things I build. It's not possible that this physical rage would accomplish anything towards what I want (usually) and yet I'm powerless to stop it. It's the ultimate primitive feeling, it shows that I'm an animal, not a human. But as soon as it begins, I can only let it run it's course. Because I hate it so much, if I think about the rage it only builds more.

I managed some time ago to always point the rage at myself, instead of at the inert object that was "causing it." At first that meant flexing a bunch of muscles. But now, it's grown a bit. Earlier tonight I got owned by some dude in ninja gaiden. And rationally, it wasn't so bad... I know I can beat it because I have before. I could've taken a breath, calmed down, and tried again. But I didn't, there wasn't time. Before I knew it, my head was knocked back with the front of the controller. And again. And again. The sight of blood on the thing shocked me out of my haze, and I realized what I had done, even though I knew all along. Now came the rational, mental rage at myself for being such a dumbass. I beat myself with a fucking controller. Over a video game! I mean, what the fuck!? Why do I always do this? Why do I still act like a child? Don't I ever learn!? I epitomize stupid!

I don't know what to do about it, really. I'm in therapy, but it doesn't really "fix" things, it just teaches me to live with myself. I ask myself, Do I want to live with myself? The answer is no. Suicide passes through my head often, and probably the only reason I haven't tried is because I'm so unsure of myself. I drive down the street wishing some freak accident would throw me off a bridge, or smash me into the tarmac, or whatever... so that I could save my family the shame of having me kill myself. I don't think they'd understand. I think they'd blame themselves, and who knows, maybe I do get this from my childhood.



I'm not sure how many, if any of you care about it. I've taught myself that I can't be sure of anything anymore, even though it's completely unfair to those who do care about me. I'm not even sure why I decided to write all this now. Probably my subconscious is telling me to post it so that I can win all your love through pity. Well, pity me if you like. I just want someone who can truthfully tell me that they don't think I'm the crazy, primitive monkey that I think I am. Don't feel you have to though, I can definetely understand the "blackrose is a fucktard" point of view. It might be pitiful, but you people of this forum are a big part of my life, whether you like it or not and whether you like me or not. Thank you. Even if you just clicked the thread and left when you saw it was long and not funny. Goodnight.

Jack.

[HAYABUSA-FMW-]

On 2004-05-30 00:05, BlackRose wrote:
You know, that kind of frustrated rage that makes you want to break whatever's causing it. Smash it to pieces with some kind of brute force. Well, I'm full of it.

Only I can cause myself this anger. I don't think I'll ever be as attached to anything as I am to myself. Unfortunately. Because it only takes one tiny frustration, one tiny failure, one game over, and it begins. I notice it right away, the sudden blank of mind, the involuntary gasp... and then it's impossible to stop. Because I hate this feeling; it causes me to destroy the things I build. It's not possible that this physical rage would accomplish anything towards what I want (usually) and yet I'm powerless to stop it. It's the ultimate primitive feeling, it shows that I'm an animal, not a human. But as soon as it begins, I can only let it run it's course. Because I hate it so much, if I think about the rage it only builds more.

I managed some time ago to always point the rage at myself, instead of at the inert object that was "causing it." At first that meant flexing a bunch of muscles. But now, it's grown a bit. Earlier tonight I got owned by some dude in ninja gaiden. And rationally, it wasn't so bad... I know I can beat it because I have before. I could've taken a breath, calmed down, and tried again. But I didn't, there wasn't time. Before I knew it, my head was knocked back with the front of the controller. And again. And again. The sight of blood on the thing shocked me out of my haze, and I realized what I had done, even though I knew all along. Now came the rational, mental rage at myself for being such a dumbass. I beat myself with a fucking controller. Over a video game! I mean, what the fuck!? Why do I always do this? Why do I still act like a child? Don't I ever learn!? I epitomize stupid!

I don't know what to do about it, really. I'm in therapy, but it doesn't really "fix" things, it just teaches me to live with myself. I ask myself, Do I want to live with myself? The answer is no. Suicide passes through my head often, and probably the only reason I haven't tried is because I'm so unsure of myself. I drive down the street wishing some freak accident would throw me off a bridge, or smash me into the tarmac, or whatever... so that I could save my family the shame of having me kill myself. I don't think they'd understand. I think they'd blame themselves, and who knows, maybe I do get this from my childhood.

I'm not sure how many, if any of you care about it. I've taught myself that I can't be sure of anything anymore, even though it's completely unfair to those who do care about me. I'm not even sure why I decided to write all this now. Probably my subconscious is telling me to post it so that I can win all your love through pity. Well, pity me if you like. I just want someone who can truthfully tell me that they don't think I'm the crazy, primitive monkey that I think I am. Don't feel you have to though, I can definetely understand the "blackrose is a fucktard" point of view. It might be pitiful, but you people of this forum are a big part of my life, whether you like it or not and whether you like me or not. Thank you. Even if you just clicked the thread and left when you saw it was long and not funny. Goodnight.

Jack.


Hey Jack. I don't remember posting anything directly related to your posts before but I will jump on this one. Not for "pity" or "love" but because I have been through a lot of what you have just typed.

Therapy for anger. No self worth. Depression to the point of "suicidal thoughts". Anger so bad it causes pain and damages beyond a normal person's ability to stay within boundaries, and not cross certain lines.

We are all human beings.
Don't generalize and say you're an animal.
Don't assume there's no one else in the world who is like you.
Things happen. Mistakes are made. We as human beings, people, learn from them.
Don't get frustrated over mistakes (easier said than done I know, I'm the same way). Just cool down. If you can't seek help.
People specialize in helping people.
If therapy itself is not enough, pills(sure say it won't work, worked for me) and other means are out there.

Alot of posts like this are popping up.
Ian-Kun X, myself, this one, all within a short period of time.
We are all here to help. Check back here as often as you need to.
Enjoy life and laugh for the sake of laughing. I just had something bad happen to me tonight. Not quite as bad as your situation, but nevertheless I feel it is very bad in my point of view. Bad enough to be on the same level in my mind.
You can pull through. I'll be checking up here too.




<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: HAYABUSA-FMW- on 2004-05-30 02:29 ]</font>

[navci]

You are not crazy.
I have done things in rage that I won't want to think about again.

It happens to everyone. But if it gets out of control and starts to hurt someone else, seek help. I don't know what to say on the more depressing thoughts cuz I am also full of it. Sometimes I do wanna just die, but then to help you go on, think of one thing that you would like to do, and not done it yet. And encourage yourself to live on until you finish said goal. It usually helps a little. Sometimes the suicide thought only need one diversion to go away.

Ya.
Rage happens.

[Bradicus]

I won't pretend to know exactly how you feel, but I'll go out on a limb and say that almost everyone has felt pure, blind, stupid rage at one point or another.

In fact, i felt it last night whilst playing Double Dash. The wall now sports a dent the size of a large coin, centered with a little red spot (why the hell must that one knuckle stick out?).

Yesterday, i dislocated my arm on the 25th enraged pull-start attempt on a push mower. The damn thing came right the fuck out of its socket!

A week ago i read an article about someone who punched an econo-sized CD case until it shattered. His hand was covered in cuts and blood from the jagged shards. Not surprisingly, he was playing Ninja Gaiden http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_lol.gif

Perhaps you get this feeling more often than the rest of humanity, but there must be some consolation in the fact that it messes with our heads too.
Blind fury is bad, but also very human.

[Sord]

On 2004-05-30 00:05, BlackRose wrote:
I don't know what to do about it, really. I'm in therapy, but it doesn't really "fix" things, it just teaches me to live with myself. I ask myself, Do I want to live with myself? The answer is no. Suicide passes through my head often, and probably the only reason I haven't tried is because I'm so unsure of myself.

yes, now if only the counciler/therapist would realize that and stop giving me apointments that do nothing! So yeah, I'm in the same boat there.

Well, you don't seem like an animal, but then again technically we are all animals. So I guess you would have to consider yourself an= not completly unevolved human or something. Any ways, that's ramble.

Lately I've been getting ticked off more, and hitting walls. Luckily there are no dents... yet. At other times, instead of getting angry, I depress myself purposely to cool the anger so I won't hurt any one.

All I can really say us good luck, and uh... maybe wear a helmet while playing Ninja Gaiden http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif

Note: sometimes it's good to be humerous with these situations, cause it makes is seem and feel less severe.

[Firocket1690]

You reminded me of the guy that wrote into EGM in issue 179.
Smashed his hand over a empty CD case.
Sent in pics of his bleeding fingers.
Oh, and because he lost in Ninja Gaiden too..

Oh, and I'm sure abdur loves you lots http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif

[Bradicus]

On 2004-05-30 17:45, Firocket1690 wrote:
You reminded me of the guy that wrote into EGM in issue 179.
Smashed his hand over a empty CD case.
Sent in pics of his bleeding fingers.
Oh, and because he lost in Ninja Gaiden too..

Oh, and I'm sure abdur loves you lots http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif


So that's where i read it http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif
That looked painful.

[BlackRose]

Yeah, ninja gaiden brings out the worst in all of us. I think it's fine though. Actually, when I woke up after posting that (this morning) I went through the part again without getting hit o_O...(but now I'm stuck again XD)

It was kind of interesting explaining the big welt on my dome to people today. "Got bopped on the bean with a frozen tangerine!" ...when they didn't buy that, I explained that I rolled out of bed and hit my head on something. And I thought: Trust me, you really don't want to know...

[ABDUR101]

Dood, ok, out of the people who I've known in my life(which sadly, the vast majority are internet based), I can easily say you are one of the best people to goto with just about anything.

Conversation, questions, problems, anything and you're there. You are very far from a mere animal mentallity, I whole heartedly assure you.

Look at it like this, atleast you don't let the anger grow to the extent that you are hurting others. You contain it the best you can, that's much more than some people would even try to do. Just keep working at it, nothing changes over night, and everyone reaches a platue.

[badbitz]

A blind fury would come over me when I lost to dumb luck matches in episode 3.
I would get sop mad......I would sit there and lock my door staring at the ceiling. I don't do anything destructive though, I just think of something(someone) nice,( I know it sound cheesy), and I feel better.

[lain2k3]

Yeah, there are times like that for everyone. Some more often than others. I always lay blame on myself, because everyone in my life is the first to say "I didnt do it". must've been me then, somehow.

I know its not true, but I think it anyway. I get pissed off beyond belief at dying in pso to an ob lily for a stupid reason. To this day, my mag has only ever brought me back to life once. you want to know when that was? After killing olga flow offline. I killed myself with orotiagito, to go back to P2 instead of credits. My mag revives me.

2 hours later, My head hurts and my walls are dented and bloody, to a point.

It happens to all of us. you'll get past it. We all do at one point or another.

*Unless you play guitar, those people are depressed at all times.

^ that is why Im learning guitar now...

[Blue-Hawk]

Anger is NOT n easy thing to contain. Trust me on this one. I used to have the worlds shortest fuse... Still do. The slightest thing would set me off and I would have to go and hit something. It's not easy to quell such feelings. It's taken me a lot of hard work to finally keep it in check.... But there's a fine line there. There is still many a time I want to kill someone, but I just keep it in check. I know it's going to catch up with me some day, but untill that happens, I am in control. Just try to think of other things when these feelings of anger come up. That's what worked for me.

[opaopajr]

well, there are ways to curb this.

you could start wearing earth tones, become vegetarian for a while, skip out on most video games (except sanrio stuff http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_smile.gif ), start listening to folk music, and take up a nice wholesome hobby of needle point and/or poetry reading. you'll find you'll be cured of your anger in record time.

seriously, you need to change your routine and broaden your horizons. this helps give you perspective in the world - problems like ninja gaiden become as insignificant as they truly are. (i've also found that many video gamers are high strung and intense. something about being transported to another world and placing such importance on imaginary outcomes, they tend to have more explosive outbursts than any other hobby. i've had a few outrageous outbursts myself (there are teeth marks on my old controllers, so...) and i've noticed they were mostly video game associated. so i've had to curb my game obsession and moderate my consumption. i've noticed from personal and anecdotal exp of friends that this has been a similar causal factor. now that we are older and we are too busy to be gaming at all hours we are noticeable more peaceable.

so obviously what you are doing now isn't helping, so you need to mix up your routine into something you enjoy and see if that changes your behavior. if that means you gotta play a few hours less and do something less competative so be it. you might find yourself more relaxed. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_smile.gif

[BlackRose]

On 2004-05-30 21:17, lain2k3 wrote:

*Unless you play guitar, those people are depressed at all times.


You know, I was actually playing mine as I read that... XD





On 2004-05-31 03:33, opaopajr wrote:

so obviously what you are doing now isn't helping, so you need to mix up your routine into something you enjoy and see if that changes your behavior. if that means you gotta play a few hours less and do something less competative so be it. you might find yourself more relaxed. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_smile.gif



Excellent adivce. I realize that these things happen because I get way too intense in the games. I didn't realize that 'til recently though, so I'm still living a life built for a lot of free time with little else to do. Now mostly I play out of boredom... so I spend the same amount of time, but I don't really want to.

But I did just get a job, and I'm getting back to some smithing after a much-too-long break. So I am on the uptake. For now. We'll see when I burn an eye out or lose my job due to tantrums... x_x



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: BlackRose on 2004-05-31 20:53 ]</font>

[HAYABUSA-FMW-]

On 2004-05-31 20:52, BlackRose wrote:

But I did just get a job, and I'm getting back to some smithing after a much-too-long break. So I am on the uptake. For now. We'll see when I burn an eye out or lose my job due to tantrums... x_x

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: BlackRose on 2004-05-31 20:53 ]</font>

Ooh think positive man.
Don't bring personal problems to work.
Keep a cool head. Especially in such jobs where mistakes are extremely dangerous.

Don't think about the worst case scenarios. I know its easier said than done but you just have to not think about them.

Keep your head up and eyes open.
Don't forget where you are and what you're doing and you'll be fine.
http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_smile.gif

[HAYABUSA-FMW-]

On 2004-05-31 20:52, BlackRose wrote:

But I did just get a job, and I'm getting back to some smithing after a much-too-long break. So I am on the uptake. For now. We'll see when I burn an eye out or lose my job due to tantrums... x_x

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: BlackRose on 2004-05-31 20:53 ]</font>

Re-iterating some statements I know but I'd rather not delete one of these two topics. Too many problems with my posts today.

Keep a cool head. Remember where you are and what you are doing. Keep your head up and eyes open.
Especially in a hazardous or dangerous workplace.

Don't think about the worst case scenarios. Easier said than done I know but you just have to not think about them.

The world is full of good things. You just have to find them.(Hehe on my first reply it didn't register the post so I had to run back and forgot what I wrote here, thus improvising the last sentence there before the smiley.)
http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_smile.gif

Edit*
Gah 14 minutes later my post shows up?
After I kept reloading the page to see if it did then reply once again?
Darn you PC. Darn you!!


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: HAYABUSA-FMW- on 2004-06-02 12:26 ]</font>

[DarthFomar]

If you were the Hulk BlackRose, I'd be fearing your power right now. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_lol.gif

I remember once when I was pissed at my sister and she came into my room and demanded that I hand over her cd player that I didn't have in my possession. I told her several times that I didn't have it. She kept on...so I got really pissed and slammed my fist through my closet door. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_nono.gif

Turns out it was underneath her bed all along. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_rant.gif


My friend breaks his mouse and keyboards all the time because he plays the Counter-Strike mod "Vampire Slayer" and even though he is very good at fraggin, whenever he dies near the beginning of the game or when he thinks he dies unfairly he starts to act violent/immature and smash things or call people ugly names. It is just a game....so remember that *if you are playing a game*. Otherwise let it vent....grab a bean bag or a punching bag or just beat the shit out of a couch. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_lol.gif http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif

[PaleKid15]

I too am waiting for a freak accident. I'm hoping for a bank robbery or something along those lines. If possible, I'd like to save someone else and die in the process. That way, my life had some form of meaning. Until then, Rants like this one and insulting random people over the net will have to do.

How long have you been in therapy? Therapy doesnt work right away. Some times it takes years. After all, you are basically re-wiring your brain. The likely cause of this problem is your parents, or something that happened to you as a child. You may not even remember what happened. Physical or Sexual Abuse (if that is the case) can REALLY mess people up. With a little more info, I could help alot more. One thing that will help with any problem (psychologically speaking), is to build a positive relationship with another human being. Positive social interaction is basically what therapy is supposed to be. Another good idea would be to have a positive way to vent your anger. A good hobby would help. Also (unless this is the type of therapy you are in) anger management might help.

And most importantly, DO NOT use drugs (the illegal kind) or alchahol to "solve" your problems. They will only make things worse. You should also speak to your therapist and doctor about anti-depressants, or if you're already on them, switching perscriptions or changing dose. If things aren't working out, you need to tell your therapist or doctor in order for them to help. And I know it sounds stupid, but try religion. One of very few things that stop me from killing myself is the fear of hell (which has been crammed into my skull for 16 years by my parents). And by religion, I don't mean go to church. Because even I (someone who believes there is a god, although not necessarily the merciful one so many belive in) think that the church is crazy.