Saladwood
Mar 4, 2002, 12:12 AM
--ORIGINALLY POSTED ON CRAIGSLIST.ORG--
The sociology of internet dating.
Most of the people will select one of the first 5-6 people they meet
because they get overloaded after that number of people contacts them.
Most, women more than men, get 30 to 200 responses and just get burned
out after the first dozen meetings. The first people one meets tend to
stick out in that persons mind more because the others start blending
together in the density of increasing contacts, emails, phones calls and
meetings. If you don't meet soon you will be buried in the confusion
that follows as the increasing volume of email contacts builds up. Most of
relationships on match turn out to be with one of the first 6 people
one meets according to the survey. If people are trying to meet quickly,
they are probably trying to get in to your "emotional window" before it
closes.
Women tend to get 10 responses for every one response men get online.
Do not send more than 6 emails or talk on the phone more than 45
minutes without meeting in person. The human mind will always create a
bigger-than-life image of who you think you are talking to and it will be
impossible for the other person to live up to that. You will set yourself
up for disappointment and your experience here will always be
unproductive. The longer you wait, the more likely you are to be disappointed
because the vision and the real-world don't match.
Don't do internet dating unless you are prepared to meet people and you
have from 6-10PM Free every night, 30-90 minutes a day to read and
respond to emails and at least half your weekend free to meet a few people.
I will not work for most people unless they make a commitment to the
process, feel that getting a special person is the most important
priority in their lives (Over work, money, material things, etc.)and really
treat the effort like a job. Most people are completely surprised by how
much work is involved in this kind of dating. Many people select one of
the first few people they meet just to avoid the time-drain. But, when
you meet the person that you want to be with, it makes it all worth it
ten times over.
Most dating systems forward from an anonymous email to your personal
email. Be sure and set your email system up so your emails pop up on your
work desktop or on your home system to avoid coming home at night and
finding a plethora of responses and replies that you don't have time to
give proper attention to. That is unfair to you and to the people that
are interested.
Don't ask a person if they like you on the date. It puts them on the
spot and is too harsh to hear live and in person if they do not.
Don't attack people who ask you for a picture and do have a picture
ready to go. Having a digital picture ready to go is considered to be the
number one "rule" of the web. Don't go online to date unless you
already have one on your hard drive or you will just be creating a terribly
frustrating experience for people you contact and most of them will be
upset that you don't have a picture. The only difference in meeting
people on the web or in person is that you have no
visual context. Most people make their primary assessment based on
appearance, even if they deny that they do, it is a natural human process
to seek visual confirmation. On the same note, don't judge a book by its
cover. Many "pretty" people who seek only "pretty" people often find
shallowness and vanity and no substance for that very relationship they
seek...try a normal looking person, you will usually be surprised.
There are no weirdoes and no normal people on the internet. There
aren't people at all, Just words and text. You have to realize it is a
digital environment and employ it as an initiation place and then follow-up
in the real-world. The unique thing about open network communication is
that it has no established social order or boundaries so people are
naturally supported in their theatrical creation. The difficult aspect of
this is that there is nobody to reference you as you microscopically
grow bigger or into other tangents of a character without even noticing
it. So; people tend to be more flexible with the facts or narrative
because they feel like they are co-writing a novel with some
one in real time.
Can girls and guys be "just Friends. (Harry met Sally) Yes, if neither
is physically attracted to the other. If one is and the other isn't it
will almost never work. In the case of one person being attracted but
wanted to be friends, many of those people will either be in denial or
embarrassed to acknowledge their attraction.
Realize that time doesn't exist on the internet. What is a timely
response or an appropriate development of social expectations will be too
slow or too fast to the other person. Most internet socializing tends to
move at "warp speed"...because it can.
Don't discuss emotional issues in email. They will almost always be is
interpreted. Hence the smiley faces: ;-) :-) etc. Never have a
fight or misunderstanding via email or you are done for. Context is not
apparent in email."
Guys talk about sex 70% more than most women. It is genetic
memory-burned into their brains. Many guys, though, use sex as emotional
validation but they are incapable of admitting it, the rest are just horny.
Society has programmed men to feel afraid to show sensitivity because it
might make them look weak or gay.
If you talk about sex in email or on the phone, before you meet, and
you both seem to be equally interested in it, it will probably, then,
never happen because you did that. By building it up in advance you create
a psychological fantasy which your mind will always make bigger than
reality can possibly live up to. When you meet and find out that neither
of you are the "Fabio" or "Miss America" (..fill in name of whoever
floats your boat) of your assumptive projections then your boat is sunk.
Most people find the picture issue necessary but disconcerting. Many
people's friends tell them they are not photogenic and never look the
same from shot to shot. Most people look better in person than in a
picture unless a modeling studio shot them. You can't really tell what a
person looks like unless you have seen 5-6 different pictures in different
settings.
Many "socially-beautiful" men & women are conditioned to only go out
with GQ/FratHouse looking people. These people have been taught that it
is all about facial balance, symmetry and small featured proportion; the
majority of the real world does not have that symmetry. Frat
House/Sorority people are singled out by a culture and guided to ...Frat Houses
and Sororities for reinforcement from common-culture types.! If only we
could stop and look deeper than the shell..but those social imprints
and media conditionings represent strong mnemonic triggers.
Avoid the "Sherlock Holmes" technique. Many people feel that they have
to squeeze as much information out and draw conclusions about that
information in the first date. Don't make assumptions or second-guess
others. If somebody responds to one question you ask with a lengthy answer
about food, work, cars, etc; don't assume that they are obsessed with
one or the other. They may just be a long-winded or detailed communicator
or they may just feel obligated to try to give you as much info as
possible about something you showed interest in. Try to adopt a flexible
attitude in assessing a persons process based on one initial meeting.
Cosmo advises that previous marriage should be an issue but the US
census shows us that the Likelihood of new marriages ending in divorce is
50%. If your potential date has not been married, facts now show that
they may have been smarter and more dedicated to a permanent relationship
potential by waiting until after their 30's. Others have just not met
the right person and hold the ideal partner dream firm. Some have asked
people to marry them but the other person said no. So, not being
married after 30 does not mean, today, what it might have meant in your
parents times."
From somebody I got this:
"I don't have the answers. This might be funny for you, or it might not. I found
this card at a Hallmark display:
Bad Date #132:
He likes you. You don't like him. He says he'll call and does.
Bad Date #133:
You like him. He doesn't like you. He says he'll call and doesn't.
Bad Date #134:
You like him. He likes Jim. He dresses better than you.
Bad Date #135:
He wears too much aftershave. He flirts more with the waitress than with you. But that's a good thing.
Bad Date #136:
He talks all night about his ex. Then he cries.
Bad Date #137:
You like him a lot. He likes you a lot. Then he changes his mind.
I've been on all of those, and then some. My friend pointed out that the existence of that card means that it happens to loads of us. Somehow that thought should make us feel better, right?"
Hopefully the above will be interesting feedback/reflections for your
travels in dating.
--ORIGINALLY POSTED ON CRAIGSLIST.ORG--
The sociology of internet dating.
Most of the people will select one of the first 5-6 people they meet
because they get overloaded after that number of people contacts them.
Most, women more than men, get 30 to 200 responses and just get burned
out after the first dozen meetings. The first people one meets tend to
stick out in that persons mind more because the others start blending
together in the density of increasing contacts, emails, phones calls and
meetings. If you don't meet soon you will be buried in the confusion
that follows as the increasing volume of email contacts builds up. Most of
relationships on match turn out to be with one of the first 6 people
one meets according to the survey. If people are trying to meet quickly,
they are probably trying to get in to your "emotional window" before it
closes.
Women tend to get 10 responses for every one response men get online.
Do not send more than 6 emails or talk on the phone more than 45
minutes without meeting in person. The human mind will always create a
bigger-than-life image of who you think you are talking to and it will be
impossible for the other person to live up to that. You will set yourself
up for disappointment and your experience here will always be
unproductive. The longer you wait, the more likely you are to be disappointed
because the vision and the real-world don't match.
Don't do internet dating unless you are prepared to meet people and you
have from 6-10PM Free every night, 30-90 minutes a day to read and
respond to emails and at least half your weekend free to meet a few people.
I will not work for most people unless they make a commitment to the
process, feel that getting a special person is the most important
priority in their lives (Over work, money, material things, etc.)and really
treat the effort like a job. Most people are completely surprised by how
much work is involved in this kind of dating. Many people select one of
the first few people they meet just to avoid the time-drain. But, when
you meet the person that you want to be with, it makes it all worth it
ten times over.
Most dating systems forward from an anonymous email to your personal
email. Be sure and set your email system up so your emails pop up on your
work desktop or on your home system to avoid coming home at night and
finding a plethora of responses and replies that you don't have time to
give proper attention to. That is unfair to you and to the people that
are interested.
Don't ask a person if they like you on the date. It puts them on the
spot and is too harsh to hear live and in person if they do not.
Don't attack people who ask you for a picture and do have a picture
ready to go. Having a digital picture ready to go is considered to be the
number one "rule" of the web. Don't go online to date unless you
already have one on your hard drive or you will just be creating a terribly
frustrating experience for people you contact and most of them will be
upset that you don't have a picture. The only difference in meeting
people on the web or in person is that you have no
visual context. Most people make their primary assessment based on
appearance, even if they deny that they do, it is a natural human process
to seek visual confirmation. On the same note, don't judge a book by its
cover. Many "pretty" people who seek only "pretty" people often find
shallowness and vanity and no substance for that very relationship they
seek...try a normal looking person, you will usually be surprised.
There are no weirdoes and no normal people on the internet. There
aren't people at all, Just words and text. You have to realize it is a
digital environment and employ it as an initiation place and then follow-up
in the real-world. The unique thing about open network communication is
that it has no established social order or boundaries so people are
naturally supported in their theatrical creation. The difficult aspect of
this is that there is nobody to reference you as you microscopically
grow bigger or into other tangents of a character without even noticing
it. So; people tend to be more flexible with the facts or narrative
because they feel like they are co-writing a novel with some
one in real time.
Can girls and guys be "just Friends. (Harry met Sally) Yes, if neither
is physically attracted to the other. If one is and the other isn't it
will almost never work. In the case of one person being attracted but
wanted to be friends, many of those people will either be in denial or
embarrassed to acknowledge their attraction.
Realize that time doesn't exist on the internet. What is a timely
response or an appropriate development of social expectations will be too
slow or too fast to the other person. Most internet socializing tends to
move at "warp speed"...because it can.
Don't discuss emotional issues in email. They will almost always be is
interpreted. Hence the smiley faces: ;-) :-) etc. Never have a
fight or misunderstanding via email or you are done for. Context is not
apparent in email."
Guys talk about sex 70% more than most women. It is genetic
memory-burned into their brains. Many guys, though, use sex as emotional
validation but they are incapable of admitting it, the rest are just horny.
Society has programmed men to feel afraid to show sensitivity because it
might make them look weak or gay.
If you talk about sex in email or on the phone, before you meet, and
you both seem to be equally interested in it, it will probably, then,
never happen because you did that. By building it up in advance you create
a psychological fantasy which your mind will always make bigger than
reality can possibly live up to. When you meet and find out that neither
of you are the "Fabio" or "Miss America" (..fill in name of whoever
floats your boat) of your assumptive projections then your boat is sunk.
Most people find the picture issue necessary but disconcerting. Many
people's friends tell them they are not photogenic and never look the
same from shot to shot. Most people look better in person than in a
picture unless a modeling studio shot them. You can't really tell what a
person looks like unless you have seen 5-6 different pictures in different
settings.
Many "socially-beautiful" men & women are conditioned to only go out
with GQ/FratHouse looking people. These people have been taught that it
is all about facial balance, symmetry and small featured proportion; the
majority of the real world does not have that symmetry. Frat
House/Sorority people are singled out by a culture and guided to ...Frat Houses
and Sororities for reinforcement from common-culture types.! If only we
could stop and look deeper than the shell..but those social imprints
and media conditionings represent strong mnemonic triggers.
Avoid the "Sherlock Holmes" technique. Many people feel that they have
to squeeze as much information out and draw conclusions about that
information in the first date. Don't make assumptions or second-guess
others. If somebody responds to one question you ask with a lengthy answer
about food, work, cars, etc; don't assume that they are obsessed with
one or the other. They may just be a long-winded or detailed communicator
or they may just feel obligated to try to give you as much info as
possible about something you showed interest in. Try to adopt a flexible
attitude in assessing a persons process based on one initial meeting.
Cosmo advises that previous marriage should be an issue but the US
census shows us that the Likelihood of new marriages ending in divorce is
50%. If your potential date has not been married, facts now show that
they may have been smarter and more dedicated to a permanent relationship
potential by waiting until after their 30's. Others have just not met
the right person and hold the ideal partner dream firm. Some have asked
people to marry them but the other person said no. So, not being
married after 30 does not mean, today, what it might have meant in your
parents times."
From somebody I got this:
"I don't have the answers. This might be funny for you, or it might not. I found
this card at a Hallmark display:
Bad Date #132:
He likes you. You don't like him. He says he'll call and does.
Bad Date #133:
You like him. He doesn't like you. He says he'll call and doesn't.
Bad Date #134:
You like him. He likes Jim. He dresses better than you.
Bad Date #135:
He wears too much aftershave. He flirts more with the waitress than with you. But that's a good thing.
Bad Date #136:
He talks all night about his ex. Then he cries.
Bad Date #137:
You like him a lot. He likes you a lot. Then he changes his mind.
I've been on all of those, and then some. My friend pointed out that the existence of that card means that it happens to loads of us. Somehow that thought should make us feel better, right?"
Hopefully the above will be interesting feedback/reflections for your
travels in dating.
--ORIGINALLY POSTED ON CRAIGSLIST.ORG--