anwserman
Aug 1, 2004, 01:22 AM
I hate Dairy Queen, or I should say, I hate the headquarters of Dairy Queen - better known as International Dairy Queen; IDQ for short.
Case #1... their dipshit ideas.
Brownie Batter Blizzard: I haven't tried this blizzard yet, but reports from everyone that I work with conclude that... it isn't as good as our Fudge Brownie blizzard. Which is just cold fudge with brownie pieces.
But OK, here is the kicker. Dairy Queen gets inventive and decides that for this neat blizzard, to make us put brownie batter in with brownie pieces. OK... too bad the brownie batter costs $27 for a pail of shit that has the consistency of blacktop sealcoat. Yes, it looks like the stuff that you put on your parking lot to seal up the cracks. And, it tastes like brownies.
I mean, for crying out loud... brownie batter? Everybody eats brownie batter from the bowl? It is cookie-dough that everybody eats from the bowl you dipshits. Wait, since we already have cookie-dough blizzards, lets make it brownies instead... too bad that having a cake batter blizzard would be too hard. Cookie-dough > cake-batter > brownie batter. But, this is IDQ and they're dipshits so nevermind.
Oh, lets not forget how to make the blizzard. We take a mini ice-cream scoop and put the tar in the blizzards. The stuff is messy, sticks to your skin and is a pain to deal with. Of course, it is a flavor of the month so everyone wants one. Urg.
Oreo Scoopables! w00t. You get these big Oreo cookie wafers, ice-cream, and caramel and hot-fudge topping. So you take the cookie wafers, scoop up some ice-cream and dunk it in the caramen or hot-fudge. Oh wait, they're over-priced and require special serving dishes and some items that we had to special order just for this product.
How many have I made so far this past week? 2. Why? Because the concept is so udderly moronic! Instead of wasting the time and effort for this pathetic waste of a product, why not make cookie sandwiches with the Oreo wafers? Like, big ice-cream sandwich with Oreo cookies instead of cheap chocolate sandwich cookies? Nope, thought escaped IDQ once again.
MySTIRy Slush. Oh. Its a blue-raspberry slush without the coloring. Instead, you get a jacked-up price, a blue spoon/straw filled with powder that you pour out into your slush and it changes color.
Basically... we take out the coloring for the blue-raspberry, and charge you extra for a frickin' bulky spoon filled with coloring. What is the mystery here? There isn't any! You take off the seals on the spoon/straw and if it is a yellow color, you get a blue-raspberry slush thats colored yellow! Or you could get a red color! Or a green color! Or a blue color!
What the fuck. What surprise is there in a blue-colored blue raspberry slush? Dipshits.
Case #2. Their commercials.
I won't nitpick every single commercial of theirs, but they're so pathetic. You know how TV shows dumb-you-down? Well, the DQ commercials are the radio equivelent of this. They try to be funny, but they're overkill so much that they're not even funny.
I'll give one example: Radio Moolatte ad. It is a taste-test, and a lady drinks a Moolatte, which is a blended frozen coffee drink. She slurps it up, and wants more. She can't get any, so she goes nuts. Chaos ensues, and then they tranquilizer dart her. Her voice gets slowwwwww and deeeeeeeeep and she says, "I feeeeeeeeeeeel sooooo funnnnnnkkkkkkyyyyy.", and then she is knocked out from the dart.
What.. the... fuck... Hell, for our outside readerboard I came up with the idea for "Moolatte - They're Udderly Decicious." A play on words, instead of 'Utterly' we could place 'Udderly' instead because of the 'Moo' in 'Moolatte'. Because, Moo and Udder = Cow. And it is a Dairy Queen. Nope, they decide tranquilizing a lady would sell the point home about getting a Moolatte and not a fucking cow.
The only other example I can think of recently is the Brownie Batter blizzard, which goes out of its way to make sure it says "Brownie Batter" 500 times during the 30-second spot just to nail the point home that it is brownie-batter. And better yet, the commercial spends 25 seconds of the spot entertaining the listener, and the last 5 seconds actually describing the prouct.
Note, radio spots cost like $50-$70 for ONE AIRING! I could post more... but another rant to write now.
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: anwserman on 2004-07-31 23:28 ]</font>
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: anwserman on 2004-07-31 23:29 ]</font>
Case #1... their dipshit ideas.
Brownie Batter Blizzard: I haven't tried this blizzard yet, but reports from everyone that I work with conclude that... it isn't as good as our Fudge Brownie blizzard. Which is just cold fudge with brownie pieces.
But OK, here is the kicker. Dairy Queen gets inventive and decides that for this neat blizzard, to make us put brownie batter in with brownie pieces. OK... too bad the brownie batter costs $27 for a pail of shit that has the consistency of blacktop sealcoat. Yes, it looks like the stuff that you put on your parking lot to seal up the cracks. And, it tastes like brownies.
I mean, for crying out loud... brownie batter? Everybody eats brownie batter from the bowl? It is cookie-dough that everybody eats from the bowl you dipshits. Wait, since we already have cookie-dough blizzards, lets make it brownies instead... too bad that having a cake batter blizzard would be too hard. Cookie-dough > cake-batter > brownie batter. But, this is IDQ and they're dipshits so nevermind.
Oh, lets not forget how to make the blizzard. We take a mini ice-cream scoop and put the tar in the blizzards. The stuff is messy, sticks to your skin and is a pain to deal with. Of course, it is a flavor of the month so everyone wants one. Urg.
Oreo Scoopables! w00t. You get these big Oreo cookie wafers, ice-cream, and caramel and hot-fudge topping. So you take the cookie wafers, scoop up some ice-cream and dunk it in the caramen or hot-fudge. Oh wait, they're over-priced and require special serving dishes and some items that we had to special order just for this product.
How many have I made so far this past week? 2. Why? Because the concept is so udderly moronic! Instead of wasting the time and effort for this pathetic waste of a product, why not make cookie sandwiches with the Oreo wafers? Like, big ice-cream sandwich with Oreo cookies instead of cheap chocolate sandwich cookies? Nope, thought escaped IDQ once again.
MySTIRy Slush. Oh. Its a blue-raspberry slush without the coloring. Instead, you get a jacked-up price, a blue spoon/straw filled with powder that you pour out into your slush and it changes color.
Basically... we take out the coloring for the blue-raspberry, and charge you extra for a frickin' bulky spoon filled with coloring. What is the mystery here? There isn't any! You take off the seals on the spoon/straw and if it is a yellow color, you get a blue-raspberry slush thats colored yellow! Or you could get a red color! Or a green color! Or a blue color!
What the fuck. What surprise is there in a blue-colored blue raspberry slush? Dipshits.
Case #2. Their commercials.
I won't nitpick every single commercial of theirs, but they're so pathetic. You know how TV shows dumb-you-down? Well, the DQ commercials are the radio equivelent of this. They try to be funny, but they're overkill so much that they're not even funny.
I'll give one example: Radio Moolatte ad. It is a taste-test, and a lady drinks a Moolatte, which is a blended frozen coffee drink. She slurps it up, and wants more. She can't get any, so she goes nuts. Chaos ensues, and then they tranquilizer dart her. Her voice gets slowwwwww and deeeeeeeeep and she says, "I feeeeeeeeeeeel sooooo funnnnnnkkkkkkyyyyy.", and then she is knocked out from the dart.
What.. the... fuck... Hell, for our outside readerboard I came up with the idea for "Moolatte - They're Udderly Decicious." A play on words, instead of 'Utterly' we could place 'Udderly' instead because of the 'Moo' in 'Moolatte'. Because, Moo and Udder = Cow. And it is a Dairy Queen. Nope, they decide tranquilizing a lady would sell the point home about getting a Moolatte and not a fucking cow.
The only other example I can think of recently is the Brownie Batter blizzard, which goes out of its way to make sure it says "Brownie Batter" 500 times during the 30-second spot just to nail the point home that it is brownie-batter. And better yet, the commercial spends 25 seconds of the spot entertaining the listener, and the last 5 seconds actually describing the prouct.
Note, radio spots cost like $50-$70 for ONE AIRING! I could post more... but another rant to write now.
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: anwserman on 2004-07-31 23:28 ]</font>
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: anwserman on 2004-07-31 23:29 ]</font>