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View Full Version : FanFic: Stuck in the past-my first fan fic ^_^



EphekZ
Aug 29, 2004, 02:51 AM
ok well the prolouge is long kinda but anyways I hope you like my first fanfic ^_^


prolouge-3 Years Ago


Listen up; tomorrow we will have our first big “field trip”, before the teacher could continue the whole class burst into noise and questions. I will get to all your questions just let me finish, like I was saying tomorrow we will go down to RAGOL don’t worry I have a few professional hunters accompanying us and we will all bring plenty of moon atomizers. You shall also bring your parents incase you get scared etc. now any questions? Clod rose his hand uhh where will we meet? GREAT QEUSTION!!! We will all meet at the hunter’s guild and incase you ask why….its a secret teehee.*ring* o that’s the bell goodbye class!!

All the kids got up and ran out of the class. Clod!! Hey you excited? Eh, I guess so I just don’t wanna go with my parents, they are annoying sometimes. Ya they are matt quickly said but o well they feed us haha. Clod and Matt both laughed, haha ok bye matt see ya.

Hey!!! Clod welcome home how was your day at the hunters training academy, anything new? Uhh o ya! Tomorrow we are going down to RAGOL. Clod’s dad spit out his coffee, WHAT!! IT’S TOO EARLY FOR THAT YOU ARE NOT GOING UNLESS WECOME WITH YOU!! Don’t worry dad you have to. O ok he said while sitting back down. Mom you think you can make me something? Sure honey anything you want? Hmmm O can I please have a spicy tuna hand roll? Please!!! NO make it two. O al right she said while walking to the kitchen.

Yum!! Thanks mom, its getting late I think I’ll go sleep, good night.

(the next day)
HI!! Kids and parents, you remember that special secret I was talking about well here it is!!*she turned around and opened a huge cupboard* Now you all know how to equip yourself if you forgot forces get canes rangers get handguns and hunters get sabers.
*all the kids quickly ran over to equip their gear* Clod first grabbed the frame and equipped it as soon as that happened 4 yellowish bright rings circled his body and faded, he then equipped the barrier 3 yellowish bright rings circled his left arm and faded. Wow he thought to himself this stuff is cool, now the saber. He grabbed his saber and activated it whoa! An array of green photons burst from the handle and formed a saber, as soon as that happened he heard his teacher yell; CLOD!! Don’t turn that on yet!! It’s very dangerous! Clod quickly looked down o uh sorry, umm how do I turn it off…? O that’s simple you lets loose of your grip as if you’re about to drop it. Ooo ok haha thanks.

They were all on ragol clearing each “room” it was easy as there were a lot of kids on each monster. They quickly got to the dome of were the dragon was, one kid asked in frightened voice, are going in there? Of course we are, so they all went through the strangely broken door. When they got under the dome they saw a great big dragon swoop down on to the floor. All the kids were too scared to move, Clod quickly looked to find his parents he saw them equipping items to fight. Everyone ran wildly at the dragon but before anyone could get there a HUGE black monster it looked very strange, indescribable it quickly engulfed the dragon, as soon as this happened the professional hunters quickly made a hole through the wall luckily it leaded to the forest. Before Clod’s parents could escape the dark creature pulled them towards it, they too were also engulfed. Clod stood there shocked not knowing anything that was happened also on the bridge of going insane as his parents were just killed, the first thing that came to Clod was to run at it with all his might. As he was doing that the dark creature vanished into thin air. Clod collapsed he started crying he was crying so hard he could not breathe, tears running own his face onto the floor and the saber he let go of the wet saber it fell just as he did. Just as he fell he saw gray box, he pulled himself towards it he picked it up and opened it he saw a diwari come out and float towards him he grabbed it and hugged it as he knew it was his dad’s.


A week after that horrible incident Clod came into class he told the teacher he would not come any more he couldn’t, she understood and gave him his hunter’s license. He looked up puzzled you passed she said in a low and calm voice. Clod walked out with his hunter’s license in hand.

darkholemind
Aug 29, 2004, 10:32 AM
I only read down to the second paragraph but there are already several mistakes. First off, start a new paragraph every time a new speaks. If you don't do this the reader will become confused quickly and that will make them lose interest.

Secondly do not involve game mechanics i.e. moon atomizers. Death is irriversable. Might I suggest reading kafkas turtourial (both the one on storys and the one on fight seens).

Lastly, whenever an inanimate object interacts with the invironment, example, the bell ringing; always put this in italics.

Other than those minor mistakes it was alright. Again I really recommend kafka's tuturials.

trypticon
Aug 29, 2004, 12:58 PM
On 2004-08-29 08:32, darkholemind wrote:

Other than those minor mistakes it was alright. Again I really recommend kafka's tuturials.



Or you can try to be original for a change, and not give a shit about what other people think on this site.

[edit]
Well I've read it now, and I think I will have to agree with the person I originally quoted from here. Not really so much in following any guides for a fan fiction, because you are the fan, and it is YOUR fictional creation, more that I noticed the huge mistakes, countless in number, that you have made.

Really, when somebody new starts talking, start a new paragraph, and tell us WHO is talking.

I don't know what this teacher could have been thinking about this field trip, but having the kids tell their parents not to worry for their safety, because they are bringing moons, seems a little funny to me. I don't know of any parents that would agree with having their kid possibly die, even if they could be brought back to life.

When a mother offers to make her child anything he wants, and he agrees to it, requesting two tuna rolls, have him at least eat the things before he just watches her go into the kitchen, and then announce he is going to bed.

Also, I hate to sound picky here, but having a bunch of kids gang up on animals in a hunting spree seems a little heartless to me. I don't know, it makes me feel like that kid deserved to get his parents eaten.

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: trypticon on 2004-08-29 11:16 ]</font>

EphekZ
Aug 29, 2004, 10:29 PM
Also, I hate to sound picky here, but having a bunch of kids gang up on animals in a hunting spree seems a little heartless to me. I don't know, it makes me feel like that kid deserved to get his parents eaten.


haha but they are only a bunch of nOObs >_>

Aurra
Aug 30, 2004, 01:42 AM
Yeah, it seriously was hard to read that. Also, not to sound overly mean, but a lot of the dialogue reads sort of like an AOL conversation between a couple of 14-year-old girls... >_>

You've got a long way to go, but just keep trying. I'm sure a quick proofread could fix the majority of your problems. Good luck!