Evil_Althena8
Sep 26, 2004, 02:12 AM
alright...this is going to be a pretty extremely long rant. Be warned. I'm venting these feelings for the first time to actual people.
ok..here goes
I'm in an extrememly messed up friendship with my best friend Charles. I am a male...and obviously he is male. Anyway, I've had strong feelings for him for almost a year and a half. It's odd because this is the first actual guy I've ever liked. I guess I consider myself bisexual. That aside I'll get into how this came to be and why it sucks so much.
April 2003 was the month. Charles was a friend of mine, I didn't consider him my best friend, just I friend I knew from school who I started hanging out with regularly with my other friends in the winter that year. He started calling me regularly sometime that month (I had only 1 friend before that I had talked to on the phone on a regular basis. I don't normally talk to my friends on the phone for very long.). We'd talk about games and stuff, you know, geeky stuff.
Anyway, it started becomming odd how I'd talk to him for hours on the phone. I really didn't think much of it. One night, I was on the phone with him at like 2:00am. We were bored so I brought up something about him coming over to my house and him staying the night. We made a plan to meet each other halfway on a country backroad and walk back to my house (he lives like 2 miles from where I do). As I was about to leave, I had this weird feeling. It was that spark of interest that you get in someone for the first time, when you're like "whoa...I like this person". I thought it was so weird that we were actually going to walk so far just to actually see each other. So we met up and walked back to my house. On the way back we saw a bright shooting star. I instantly thought it was an omen of some kind...So i wished upon it (yeah yeah laugh). We stayed up late on my computer goofing around in chat rooms...then went to bed. I told him something personal that night about my father and his death, and I asked him if he kept in touch with his father. It was a weird moment I hadn't shared with anyone else.
Fast forward in time. After that my feelings for him developed into feelings of love. We had a friendship I've never had with anyone else before. Here's the dilemma. We're just friends...but I can't help but think it could be more. After all this time of knowing him so well I still can't figure out if he is totally straight or what...And I have alot to prove that he is both straight or otherwise.
So, here's a list of the things that makes me believe he has feelings for me or is downright gay/bisexual.
#1: We talk on the phone ALOT. Now not as much as we used to, but sometimes we'll stay up late on the phone talking about absolutely nothing...just sitting there and saying whatever comes to my mind
#2: He is an extremely sexual person...fucking horny all the time. He's made several comments that have made me...as well as some others question the integrity of his sexuality. Here's some that I can remember "Ever wonder what it would be like to give a guy head?". He said this directly to me one night while he was reading a book. I of course sarcastically said "all the time" while thinking "what...the...fuck". Another line he said to a guy he didn't even know at party "Wanna make out?" I could not believe he actally said that. The kid just gave him a weird look and said "no thanks".
#3: Body Language and touching. I always noticed awhile back that he'd always touch my shoulder when he'd try to get my attention about something. He seemed to touch only me...not my other friends we hung out with (I don't mean touching in a sexual way). There was one time, however that was really..really odd. He came home with me from school one day. My other friend Ben called me. While I was on the phone with him walking around, Charles came up behind me and grabbed my sides while emitting a sexual-sound for like a 2 seconds then stopped. I pushed his hands off me but didn't say anything because I was on the phone. There have been several other times where I have caught him staring at me plainly.
Also, there have been 2 times where he has almost kissed me. The first time we were sitting on a couch at one of my other friend's house. We were all playing Tekken 4. My other friend was on the left side of the couch, Charles in the middle, and me on the right. I noticed when I was playing and Charles was sitting out, he kept staring at me so fucking obviously, with his head even turned in my direction. I thought he was just trying to distract me from the fight. Then, he did something unexpected. He put his arm around me and slowly moved his face toward mine...really really close. Then I gently pushed him off of me and he made fake kissing sounds saying "I just wanna kiss you". So at that moment I'm thinking inside my head "Austin(my other friend)...please leave the room...please". Austin apparently didn't notice that this happened. He did leave the room to go to the bathroom, but Charles moved away into a different chair like nothing even happened. I'm just thinking...WHAT THE FUCK!?!. The other time was just a little over a month ago. I was laying on my bed in my room with my head leaning off the edge of the bed upside down. He was reading a D&D book. He suddenly leaned over and got really close to my face and made a kissing noise, then went back to reading the book and saying "fag". His face was like less than an inch from mine, I could feel the warmth of his face. I didn't say a single word, and things continued on normally.
#4: Poetry and such. This is the single strongest reason why I actaully believe he has feelings for me. He forwarded one of those stupid chain letters that say if you don't send it to so-and-so many people bad things will happen to you--to me. But, he only sent it to just me. Inside the chain letter was a poem. The poem was about two guys who are good friends, but because they eventually lose touch with each other and one dies. The moral of the poem was to tell someone you love them before its too late. Note: This is 1 of the 3 emails he has ever sent to me EVER. As soon as I read it I knew that he HAD to feel the same about me...at least at that time. And the other reason...I wrote a poem about him in one of my notebooks. One night when he stayed at my house he grabbed the notebook for paper he needed to write something down. The first page had the poem on it. As soon as he opened it I flew across the room and grabbed it from him. I told him there was "personal stuff" in there. Apparently he caught a glimpse of it, he said one of the lines from the poems and started laughing(I never write my poems to reveal who it actually is I like). There were 2 other times he tried to read the same poem, and I had to eventually rip it out of the notebook and stuff it in a bottle. He also said one time, after sighing in relief "I almost thought it was about me"...as though he was glad it wasn't. One day on the phone he finally asked me who the poem was about. I didn't tell him, so he started listing names of girls I had liked in the past. I eventually got sick of it and just told him it was about Sabrina(a girl I have interest in). He was so desperate to figure out who it was about...making me believe that he might have been hoping it was about him...but I can't say.
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You may be wondering why I haven't acted upon these moments and instead just push him away. It's simple. I'm afraid...I'm scared to death that he might not actually have feelings of love for me, EVEN despite the fact of what I have just told you. There are the cons, the things that weigh against me. I constantly sit there and think about the reasons. Here now is a much shorter list of reasons why he wouldn't feel the same way towards me
1)He has had a girlfriend in the past whom he apparently still might like
2)He has had NUMEROUS sexual encounters with many girls, one of which I know is true and happened after many of the above.
3)He is acts upon any chance he gets to have sex or kiss any girl who he encounters at parties.
4)He always disses me about how ugly I am and how I'm fat...AND how I'm never gonna get laid or have a girlfriend
5)He uses the words "fag" and "gay" more than 12 year olds do. His universal diss is "fag", he even calls his sister a fag. He admits to disliking "fags"
6)He talks about girls all time...girls girls girls. So how can that make him gay/bi?
I don't know. I'm so afraid to tell him or act upon any feelings I have for him out of this fear I have of it destroying our friendship. I get pissed at him on a daily basis now. It seems that if there was a time I should have done something, it should have been around a year ago. We've changed since then. It seems as though he has lost all interest in me(interest in being more than friends, anyway), all of those sexual comments and touching and such, was a long time ago. Everyday that goes by gets worst and worse. Its like I'm never going to be able to tell him until some desperate moment happens like one of us is about to die. I keep waiting for that "right moment" to act. I finally decided that if another opportunity presents itself to me (as in him almost kissing me again), I'm going to act upon it. I'm not afraid anymore, just so long as there is SOME opportunity.
Well, I think I've typed enough. I just had to vent...and you guys are the first to ever hear about this. A burden has been lifted http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_smile.gif
ok..here goes
I'm in an extrememly messed up friendship with my best friend Charles. I am a male...and obviously he is male. Anyway, I've had strong feelings for him for almost a year and a half. It's odd because this is the first actual guy I've ever liked. I guess I consider myself bisexual. That aside I'll get into how this came to be and why it sucks so much.
April 2003 was the month. Charles was a friend of mine, I didn't consider him my best friend, just I friend I knew from school who I started hanging out with regularly with my other friends in the winter that year. He started calling me regularly sometime that month (I had only 1 friend before that I had talked to on the phone on a regular basis. I don't normally talk to my friends on the phone for very long.). We'd talk about games and stuff, you know, geeky stuff.
Anyway, it started becomming odd how I'd talk to him for hours on the phone. I really didn't think much of it. One night, I was on the phone with him at like 2:00am. We were bored so I brought up something about him coming over to my house and him staying the night. We made a plan to meet each other halfway on a country backroad and walk back to my house (he lives like 2 miles from where I do). As I was about to leave, I had this weird feeling. It was that spark of interest that you get in someone for the first time, when you're like "whoa...I like this person". I thought it was so weird that we were actually going to walk so far just to actually see each other. So we met up and walked back to my house. On the way back we saw a bright shooting star. I instantly thought it was an omen of some kind...So i wished upon it (yeah yeah laugh). We stayed up late on my computer goofing around in chat rooms...then went to bed. I told him something personal that night about my father and his death, and I asked him if he kept in touch with his father. It was a weird moment I hadn't shared with anyone else.
Fast forward in time. After that my feelings for him developed into feelings of love. We had a friendship I've never had with anyone else before. Here's the dilemma. We're just friends...but I can't help but think it could be more. After all this time of knowing him so well I still can't figure out if he is totally straight or what...And I have alot to prove that he is both straight or otherwise.
So, here's a list of the things that makes me believe he has feelings for me or is downright gay/bisexual.
#1: We talk on the phone ALOT. Now not as much as we used to, but sometimes we'll stay up late on the phone talking about absolutely nothing...just sitting there and saying whatever comes to my mind
#2: He is an extremely sexual person...fucking horny all the time. He's made several comments that have made me...as well as some others question the integrity of his sexuality. Here's some that I can remember "Ever wonder what it would be like to give a guy head?". He said this directly to me one night while he was reading a book. I of course sarcastically said "all the time" while thinking "what...the...fuck". Another line he said to a guy he didn't even know at party "Wanna make out?" I could not believe he actally said that. The kid just gave him a weird look and said "no thanks".
#3: Body Language and touching. I always noticed awhile back that he'd always touch my shoulder when he'd try to get my attention about something. He seemed to touch only me...not my other friends we hung out with (I don't mean touching in a sexual way). There was one time, however that was really..really odd. He came home with me from school one day. My other friend Ben called me. While I was on the phone with him walking around, Charles came up behind me and grabbed my sides while emitting a sexual-sound for like a 2 seconds then stopped. I pushed his hands off me but didn't say anything because I was on the phone. There have been several other times where I have caught him staring at me plainly.
Also, there have been 2 times where he has almost kissed me. The first time we were sitting on a couch at one of my other friend's house. We were all playing Tekken 4. My other friend was on the left side of the couch, Charles in the middle, and me on the right. I noticed when I was playing and Charles was sitting out, he kept staring at me so fucking obviously, with his head even turned in my direction. I thought he was just trying to distract me from the fight. Then, he did something unexpected. He put his arm around me and slowly moved his face toward mine...really really close. Then I gently pushed him off of me and he made fake kissing sounds saying "I just wanna kiss you". So at that moment I'm thinking inside my head "Austin(my other friend)...please leave the room...please". Austin apparently didn't notice that this happened. He did leave the room to go to the bathroom, but Charles moved away into a different chair like nothing even happened. I'm just thinking...WHAT THE FUCK!?!. The other time was just a little over a month ago. I was laying on my bed in my room with my head leaning off the edge of the bed upside down. He was reading a D&D book. He suddenly leaned over and got really close to my face and made a kissing noise, then went back to reading the book and saying "fag". His face was like less than an inch from mine, I could feel the warmth of his face. I didn't say a single word, and things continued on normally.
#4: Poetry and such. This is the single strongest reason why I actaully believe he has feelings for me. He forwarded one of those stupid chain letters that say if you don't send it to so-and-so many people bad things will happen to you--to me. But, he only sent it to just me. Inside the chain letter was a poem. The poem was about two guys who are good friends, but because they eventually lose touch with each other and one dies. The moral of the poem was to tell someone you love them before its too late. Note: This is 1 of the 3 emails he has ever sent to me EVER. As soon as I read it I knew that he HAD to feel the same about me...at least at that time. And the other reason...I wrote a poem about him in one of my notebooks. One night when he stayed at my house he grabbed the notebook for paper he needed to write something down. The first page had the poem on it. As soon as he opened it I flew across the room and grabbed it from him. I told him there was "personal stuff" in there. Apparently he caught a glimpse of it, he said one of the lines from the poems and started laughing(I never write my poems to reveal who it actually is I like). There were 2 other times he tried to read the same poem, and I had to eventually rip it out of the notebook and stuff it in a bottle. He also said one time, after sighing in relief "I almost thought it was about me"...as though he was glad it wasn't. One day on the phone he finally asked me who the poem was about. I didn't tell him, so he started listing names of girls I had liked in the past. I eventually got sick of it and just told him it was about Sabrina(a girl I have interest in). He was so desperate to figure out who it was about...making me believe that he might have been hoping it was about him...but I can't say.
------------
You may be wondering why I haven't acted upon these moments and instead just push him away. It's simple. I'm afraid...I'm scared to death that he might not actually have feelings of love for me, EVEN despite the fact of what I have just told you. There are the cons, the things that weigh against me. I constantly sit there and think about the reasons. Here now is a much shorter list of reasons why he wouldn't feel the same way towards me
1)He has had a girlfriend in the past whom he apparently still might like
2)He has had NUMEROUS sexual encounters with many girls, one of which I know is true and happened after many of the above.
3)He is acts upon any chance he gets to have sex or kiss any girl who he encounters at parties.
4)He always disses me about how ugly I am and how I'm fat...AND how I'm never gonna get laid or have a girlfriend
5)He uses the words "fag" and "gay" more than 12 year olds do. His universal diss is "fag", he even calls his sister a fag. He admits to disliking "fags"
6)He talks about girls all time...girls girls girls. So how can that make him gay/bi?
I don't know. I'm so afraid to tell him or act upon any feelings I have for him out of this fear I have of it destroying our friendship. I get pissed at him on a daily basis now. It seems that if there was a time I should have done something, it should have been around a year ago. We've changed since then. It seems as though he has lost all interest in me(interest in being more than friends, anyway), all of those sexual comments and touching and such, was a long time ago. Everyday that goes by gets worst and worse. Its like I'm never going to be able to tell him until some desperate moment happens like one of us is about to die. I keep waiting for that "right moment" to act. I finally decided that if another opportunity presents itself to me (as in him almost kissing me again), I'm going to act upon it. I'm not afraid anymore, just so long as there is SOME opportunity.
Well, I think I've typed enough. I just had to vent...and you guys are the first to ever hear about this. A burden has been lifted http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_smile.gif