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anwserman
Dec 3, 2004, 05:41 PM
This has been a shitty week for me; oddly enough, it wasn't even problems in my life that made it so miserable (perhaps exausting is the better word for it)... it was Mitch.

Now, before you guys ALL ream me for posting about him, please realize that it isn't about my friendship with him, but his relationship with his now former-girlfriend and how I came to this actual topic.

Basically, Mitch and I have been good friends for the last year and a half or so. Throughout our tenture of our friendship, he's had a girlfriend that I'll name "Becky". Ya know, a girlfriend. They just celebrated their 3rd year anniversary about a month or so ago. At the same time, I've witnessed their relationship with each other and things have rattled me to the core, so much to the point where I talked to Mitch and basically said, "Work to improve the relationship and make things better" or "Ditch the relationship." He has always chose the former, and never the latter. I talked to him this last Tuesday about his relationship with Becky again, and... he chose the ladder. It is over between Mitch and Becky.

I spoke the truth, to the point to where he said, "You're in the know. You know our relationship." But, the fact of the matter is (and what pisses me off) is how a person can be manipulated, or better yet how somebody could manipulate someone and not feel guilty. No, this wasn't a 'guy-abuse-girl' scenario, the vice-versa. Verbally. Manipulatively.

See, Mitch and I have a close relationship with each other, friendwise. Part of that is due to the fact that I am gay, and that I see him as more then "just a friend"... (no, we're not groin buddies and we do not fuck, we're just close friends... so if you believe otherwise, go to hell.) Basically, I watch out for him more so then I probably should but I've saved his ass more then once on occasion. Anyone else would have overlooked everything I saw, but since I am concerned about his happiness - I witnessed, remembered, evaluated and saw exactly the tricks that were being pulled.

JUST BE WITH ME, DAMMIT! No, Becky, Mitch is his own human being. You guys are 3.5 hours apart, and he does have a life outside of talking on the phone every five minutes in a baby voice saying that he misses you.

Wait, that is fine to do that once in a while. But, why call every thirty minutes and request that he spends time doing nothing but talk to you, constantly, repeadly? Or better yet, yelling at him because he is doing other things?

Case in point: A friend Mitch hasn't seen in a good six months came by and called to see him, since they haven't seen each other in duh, six months. So, obviously they're friends so Mitch wants to see him. Becky calls, wonder what he is doing, and he says that he is going to see Tony.

She bitches at him.
He tries to explain, and she accuses of him of going over to see girls.
He says they're just going to hang and talk, she says that he doesn't want to talk to her, he says he does but she says she needs to go to bed and hangs up on him... she'll call him tomorrow.

Fine. Around 8:30, him and Tony are done and he calls me to see if I can help him on homework. OK, no problem, I'm not busy. So. I'm over there, Becky calls AGAIN, to find out that I'm over helping him do homework. She bitches at him again, causing an argument on the phone.

End of conversation.
She calls again about 15 minutes later.
Argument.
End of conversation.
Rinse, lather and repeat.

Wouldn't a decent boyfriend/girlfriend be happy that you're seeing a friend that you haven't seen in months, or that you're doing your homework? Whatever happened to having trust, too?

THE RULES DON'T APPLY TO ME!
"Mitch, I don't want to talk to you for a while. Don't talk or message me for a long time!" This is what Becky said when they broke up Wednesday night.

Yet, she felt compelled to call him on his cell-phone at least 8 times last night, Thursday. And when he didn't answer the cellphone, she called the house. Until he talked to her.

...

This has happened before during their relationship (thankfully it is now over for the time-being). And what happens, she argues with him. What ever happened to, "I don't want to talk to you." I forgot, only when you don't want to talk to him, its OK. It is completely OK for you, Becky, to not talk to him when you don't want to but not for him to not want to talk to you.

Better yet. I don't want you to go out with your friends Mitch. So, I'll just bitch at you instead even though you invite me over. Yet, I don't give a damn about what you think when I go out with my friends.

Face it. It is over. You fucked up repeadedly you manipulative bitch.

THATS OK, GO AGAINST YOUR WORD AS AN EXCUSE TO GET ANGRY AT HIM!
See above.
She says she'll call the next day.

Instead, Becky calls 30 minutes later, wondering what he is doing. He says he is busy, she bitches at him, causing an argument.

STOP USING YOUR WEIGHT AS AN EXCUSE FOR EVERYTHING DAMMIT!
Yes, Becky is slightly bigger, but not "gonna die from a heart-attack at any moment" bigger. Anyway, true love sees behind a few imperfections.

So, she uses her weight as an excuse for everything... previously controlling his time with friends at and times family.

"You're going out to the bars with your friends, so you can hook up with girls just because I'm fat!"
"You don't want to do anything with me because I'm bigger!"

Ad nauseum.
Yes, you're bigger. If you're unhappy with yourself, CHANGE. Wait a moment... see next point.

WHY CHANGE YOURSELF WHEN YOU GOT HIM UNDER YOUR THUMB?
Mitch is a person that tries to appease everyone. Becky is bigger, and can play the sympathy "pity me and my weight" card to woo him back.

So, it is my belief that Mitch is a gorgeous, attractive, great-looking guy with an energetic, charismatic and an awesome personality.

Becky is a spoiled, whiney little brat. Really, she is. I've seen and witnessed it... with a voice that brings back memories of nails on a chalkboard.

So, why change who and what you are when you've got a perfect guy right in the palm of your hand? He keeps coming back to you, irregardless of how you treat him, so why *exert energy to lose weight!* *why change your demeanor!* *why change yourself so other people like you!*

Right now, Becky is hurting because, unlike this time, Mitch ISN'T coming back to her. She's stuck in a rut; she's unattractive (that isn't the gayness in me speaking either), a personality that sucks and well... ugh. Much better fish in the sea.




Relationships suck.
I could post more, but that will be in replies if people want more in-depth stories.

But please, point being... if you see a friend who is in a miserable relationship PLEASE be a good friend and help him/her. It will be the best thing you could ever do for them.

Aredhel
Dec 3, 2004, 08:24 PM
I won't claim to know everything that's going on in this relationship, whether it's between You and Mitch or Mitch and Becky, but just make sure that you have not become the manipulative friend. You sound like a very good person, and a very good friend, so I'm sure that you can relate to what I'm saying, but Mitch needs to do what's best for Mitch, regardless of what Becky says and regardless of what you say. People just need to think for themselves a whole lot more, especially when it comes to such personal feelings.

If I realize things accurately, you have different feelings for Mitch than he has for you - I can only imagine that is one of the hardest situations to cope with when you still remain the best of friends regardless (Hell, it's hard enough when two people encounter this sort of thing and never see each other again). Nothing is going to change this however, so if you would like to continue being Mitch's friend and advisor, you must detach yourself from your sexual feelings for him. But you probably already know this.

It does seem like Becky was an obsessive, controlling bitch - it's just a shame that he spent so long with her. Now is the time when he must be moving on though, and it probably won't be any easier for you when he begins dating other women. Becky was something you were used to, I'm sure. Now you must be prepared to see him with others, and it's probably not going to be easy.

anwserman
Dec 3, 2004, 11:31 PM
Well.. no duh Adrehel. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif
I don't consider myself the manipulative one, but it is hard to just sit back and relax and watch your friend get stomped on and abused. Ya know, you have to do things about it.

And about the whole sexuality thing? Yeah, I'm attracted to him immensely, but you could either look at it half-full or half-empty... the main reason why we're friends is because I introduced myself to him (since I thought he was hot, heh) and that we both thought of each other as nice, geniune people, rather then "fake".

The thing is... I know it will never happen. I told him this before, and I reassure him of that fact. It won't hurt me at all to see him playing the field, but what hurts most, in all reality - is that if he decides to do something that means absolutely nothing (e.g. bang a random person) and I find out... well, it would hurt but I don't think so anymore. Depends on if I'm tired or not. Thankfully he said that he won't tell me if anything happens like that... heh heh heh.

Yes, I know my role. We're like brothers, and I don't push him for anything or vice versa. We're just sitting out there, going to college... clubbing occasionally, video games on occasion, snowboard once the hills open, go play volleyball at the Armory, normal things.. hahaha. Like I told him before last year; that my guess was that I'd be the one who changed the first year and he'd be the one who'd change in the second year at Gogo.

So far, so true.

EDIT: I also give him advice, but I tell him its only advice and it is up to him to follow it, and I can't force him to do anything. Also, it helps when my advice that I've given him has 99.9% rate of being helpful and useful.

EDIT2: Oh, about the whole thing that you said... that he needs to stop listening to Becky and perhaps stop listening to what I say and that he needs to do what is right for him, that sentence does speak the truth. But, like I said in the edit above, I give my advice to him as an outsider looking in, "What I would do in a particular situation." He has fucked up two years of his life (please note, he agrees with that statement. Thats another long story.), and he cannot afford to make any more mistakes.

Sure, he needs to do what makes him happy. But like I said before, he often times puts other people infront of himself, sacrificing his mood to satisfy other people. Though I talked to him on Tuesday night, it was his idea to go down and break it off on Wednesday, he went through it.

I gave him the courage and/or balls to actually do something that he has wanted to do in a long, long time ("I'm sick of putting up with her shit and feeling miserable all of the time!"), and he did it for himself and not me.

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: anwserman on 2004-12-03 20:41 ]</font>

Solstis
Dec 4, 2004, 12:48 AM
Yes, I think I know a tad about abusive relationships.

However, no one fucks with Tony and gets fucking away with it!

*bwahahahha!*

Erm...

*huggles j*

Aredhel
Dec 5, 2004, 06:37 PM
Well, as I said, I probably don't understand everything about this series of situations. I've witnessed lots of relationships in my life and, subsequently, a lot of heartache to go with it. It just seems to be a good rule for success (on almost any level) to do what's best for you. A meaningful relationship cannot be based on servitude - both people must be as equal as possible, and if that means both must walk a million miles in the rain together, then so be it. Let it be by choice though, the choices of two individuals not held sway by others- what more to individuality is there?

navci
Dec 5, 2004, 09:43 PM
I am so fat.
Pay attention to me now.

Donate money into my Paypal account!
You won't? What a bastard.
It is SO over.

... Hm. Ya.
See. People with issues usually do get better with care. But because of those issues sometimes it makes it impossible to reach into said person and help them. It becomes a negative loop that isn't doing anyone any good.

Ah. Lovely.