FanFic: Shuriken-chapter one- is up =P

[EphekZ]

ook I'm doing another fic this is my third(no my second my first i did the prolouge..story was bad)
and my second....lost it in the forums of PSOW

ok!
---------------------------------------------------


Prolouge-

Hyami is an ex-soldier who quit before the depart of Pioneer one. He is the master of photon shurikuns, and many people know him at just that. His old mag, a RATI, was destroyed by the army when he left.



The whole temple was rumbling,like a massive earthquake but this was from a high concentration of photons. Hyami jumped onto a rumbling pillar and crouched to keep his balance, he turned his head and saw a huge red beam of photons charging towards him, he swiftly jumped off the pillar but his new mag was hit, the sync isn't very good. The mag had absorbed this photon beam but began to glow and fell, Hyami took the mag and dissapeared.



The phone rang in the dark room, a dark shadow picked it up

A man quickly stated" SIR!, the intruder has escaped"

A sinister voice replied "I see"

"What shall I do?"

"Leave it to me" he hung up, picked up a Ruby Bullet and started rubbing it"so, we meet again Hyami heh" he got up and walked out of the dark room.

-----------------------------------------------------





Hmm that was a bit shorter than I thought it would be but o well hope ya liked critisize me anyway you want I have chapter one already but I'll wait fro reviews first.


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: darkgunner on 2004-12-11 10:08 ]</font>


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: darkgunner on 2004-12-11 14:43 ]</font>


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: darkgunner on 2004-12-14 20:30 ]</font>

[Solstis]

I like the description of the crumbling Temple.

Eh... 1. NEVER introduce a character in that sort of manner. Perhaps through description of him through other characters or observation, but NEVER "Name is X. He does X. Also, X."

2. I have no clue what's going on.

3. Your narrrative/pace/style is somewhat choppy. Throw in a few filler sentences/lengthen the existing ones.

4. Assuming that I was a newb and had no idea what SYNC was, I would be incredibly lost. Explain it further as if the person has never played the game?

Practice! Improve! Blah blah!

[EphekZ]

I like the description of the crumbling Temple.

uhh thanks =P


Eh... 1. NEVER introduce a character in that sort of manner. Perhaps through description of him through other characters or observation, but NEVER "Name is X. He does X. Also, X."


Yes, I was quite mad at myself for that,can't even introduce a character



2. I have no clue what's going on.

Hmm

Yes it is quite a jumpy beginning....Or did I make it that way O.o


3. Your narrrative/pace/style is somewhat choppy. Throw in a few filler sentences/lengthen the existing ones.


I see, I will keep that in mind



4. Assuming that I was a newb and had no idea what SYNC was, I would be incredibly lost. Explain it further as if the person has never played the game?

YES SIR!.. ok Didnt factor that in...*sigh* I just love prolouge errors


Practice! Improve! Blah blah!

Yep, well thankyou very much I will use this in the future

And I have chapter one already and it will clear most of it up..I hope...

But I will wait for more critiqes(sp?) onmy Prolouge errors =P

[Sagasu]

First of all, good to see that people are still at least attempting to write fan-fics. Most of the others have died out.

Second, don't take anything I say to heart, it hurts too much =P


Prolouge-

Hyami is an ex-soldier who quit before the depart of Pioneer one. He is the master of photon shurikuns, and many people know him at just that. His old mag, a RATI, was destroyed by the army when he left.


As solstis said, we don't want to hear titles. It sounds lame, believe me.

You can go on for pages naming heroic deeds, accomplishments, and other various add ons to the characters reputation.. and most readers wont give a shit. Why? Actions speak louder than words, I'd rather decide for myself what type of guy he is than have someone tell me that this guy is uber strong hunter dude. Elaborating a bit from what solstis said there.

Another thing, by choppy, I see you leaping from one thing to the next. If your going to bother to mention that he's an ex-soldier, mind explaining a little? If your going to mention rati's, shurkiens, crumbling temples.. you've got to also add context for the readers to work with. Etc, from what I've said here you can see things that would take much time explaining, when they're quite obvious.


The whole temple was rumbling,like a massive earthquake but this was from a high concentration of photons. Hyami jumped onto a rumbling pillar and crouched to keep his balance, he turned his head and saw a huge red beam of photons charging towards him, he swiftly jumped off the pillar but his new mag was hit, the sync isn't very good. The mag had absorbed this photon beam but began to glow and fell, Hyami took the mag and dissapeared.


A: At least to me, the spacing deal looks rather silly. Mark scene transitions with something more obvious, like a centered ***, ---, whatever it takes.

B: Wha? Sync? Sync!? Whereas most people here know what your talking about, most succesfull fan-fics, or at least ones I would enjoy reading, don't make it sound like you describing the game. Like, game physics. Game physics simply don't work when your writing a fan-fic, at least not without much forehead slapping and leaving of threads. Though the main thing isn't even that, its that you did it in the middle of a part with action!

Three very, very important words.

Suspension of disbelief.

Read it, memorize it, use it. Things that make the reader stop, look at the text and think "wtf?" are generally to be avoided.

Now I shall bring up another thing that I've preached one too many times. Redundancy. it applies to everything. If you see a string of text with "'he' did this when 'he' saw that 'he' had no chance of avoiding" you see the annoying repitition of "he". Names, places, people, ojects, find new and descriptive ways to describwe the same thing. Find ways to avoid repeating yourself, find ways to avoid me repeating this again. Find a way damnit, dont be lazy.

*repeats and rambles*

eh, lets continue.


The phone rang in the dark room, a dark shadow picked it up

A man quickly stated" SIR!, the intruder has escaped"

A sinister voice replied "I see"

"What shall I do?"

"Leave it to me" he hung up, picked up a Ruby Bullet and started rubbing it"so, we meet again Hyami heh" he got up and walked out of the dark room.


This actually might cause some eagerness to read chapter one, if my eyes werent bleeding due to the dialoge butchery.

First Reaction: A thing did this, A thing did that, A certain writer needs more experience with this type of work..

Second Reaction: They blew up a temple to try to capture hyami? great.. I see no descriptions of places? people? anything? Sinister and shadow doesn't really paint any pictures in my mind, and now the guy is talking to himself? Heh? To be honest, I've enever heard a real person go "heh" before.

Third response: I'm going to stop trying to understand now, I will avoid much brain damage.

great...?

So anyways, back to the main point. Before you even bother writing anymore chapters, make sure you have this.

Plot: Stories with no plot get fucked over a few chapters in, point closed.

Background: Make your characters feel real, damnit, not titles or trophies, give us proof, give us details, this is what a reader hungers for.. understand?

Motivation: Do you care? About this project? Are you willing to put effort into writing to the best of your ability? If not, then these words don't mean anything more to you than some lecture from your mother. In one ear and out the other, if even that.

Caffene; Food for thought.. must.. not.. fall.. asleep o.0 Seriously though, if you get more serious about writing, you'll find yourself at the computer, or sitting with a pen in your hand for lengthy periods of time. Avoid working in a half conciouss state, you make lots of mistakes that way, and can produce utter crap, even if you have done extensive planning on your materpiece plot.

So, you may ask yourself now.. am I beating up on you?

Yes, actually, I am. Its how we get better, trial and error. If you don't see error, then the trial is useless. Even if you get nothing out of this, even if you hate me for it, just keep writing. Even if you screw up big time, even if you find yourself in a unbreakable writers block, if you give up, its over.

Finally, think of who your doing this for. Yourself? Family? Friends? Whatever the cause, make sure to seek inspiration when its offered. You'll end up regretting it if you dont.

Anyways, thats my basic view of the current situation. Yes, basic, close your jaw now and get some sleep.

[EphekZ]

On 2004-12-12 07:09, Sagasu wrote:
First of all, good to see that people are still at least attempting to write fan-fics. Most of the others have died out.

Second, don't take anything I say to heart, it hurts too much =P


Prolouge-

Hyami is an ex-soldier who quit before the depart of Pioneer one. He is the master of photon shurikuns, and many people know him at just that. His old mag, a RATI, was destroyed by the army when he left.


As solstis said, we don't want to hear titles. It sounds lame, believe me.

You can go on for pages naming heroic deeds, accomplishments, and other various add ons to the characters reputation.. and most readers wont give a shit. Why? Actions speak louder than words, I'd rather decide for myself what type of guy he is than have someone tell me that this guy is uber strong hunter dude. Elaborating a bit from what solstis said there.

Another thing, by choppy, I see you leaping from one thing to the next. If your going to bother to mention that he's an ex-soldier, mind explaining a little? If your going to mention rati's, shurkiens, crumbling temples.. you've got to also add context for the readers to work with. Etc, from what I've said here you can see things that would take much time explaining, when they're quite obvious.


The whole temple was rumbling,like a massive earthquake but this was from a high concentration of photons. Hyami jumped onto a rumbling pillar and crouched to keep his balance, he turned his head and saw a huge red beam of photons charging towards him, he swiftly jumped off the pillar but his new mag was hit, the sync isn't very good. The mag had absorbed this photon beam but began to glow and fell, Hyami took the mag and dissapeared.


A: At least to me, the spacing deal looks rather silly. Mark scene transitions with something more obvious, like a centered ***, ---, whatever it takes.

B: Wha? Sync? Sync!? Whereas most people here know what your talking about, most succesfull fan-fics, or at least ones I would enjoy reading, don't make it sound like you describing the game. Like, game physics. Game physics simply don't work when your writing a fan-fic, at least not without much forehead slapping and leaving of threads. Though the main thing isn't even that, its that you did it in the middle of a part with action!

Three very, very important words.

Suspension of disbelief.

Read it, memorize it, use it. Things that make the reader stop, look at the text and think "wtf?" are generally to be avoided.

Now I shall bring up another thing that I've preached one too many times. Redundancy. it applies to everything. If you see a string of text with "'he' did this when 'he' saw that 'he' had no chance of avoiding" you see the annoying repitition of "he". Names, places, people, ojects, find new and descriptive ways to describwe the same thing. Find ways to avoid repeating yourself, find ways to avoid me repeating this again. Find a way damnit, dont be lazy.

*repeats and rambles*

eh, lets continue.


The phone rang in the dark room, a dark shadow picked it up

A man quickly stated" SIR!, the intruder has escaped"

A sinister voice replied "I see"

"What shall I do?"

"Leave it to me" he hung up, picked up a Ruby Bullet and started rubbing it"so, we meet again Hyami heh" he got up and walked out of the dark room.


This actually might cause some eagerness to read chapter one, if my eyes werent bleeding due to the dialoge butchery.

First Reaction: A thing did this, A thing did that, A certain writer needs more experience with this type of work..

Second Reaction: They blew up a temple to try to capture hyami? great.. I see no descriptions of places? people? anything? Sinister and shadow doesn't really paint any pictures in my mind, and now the guy is talking to himself? Heh? To be honest, I've enever heard a real person go "heh" before.

Third response: I'm going to stop trying to understand now, I will avoid much brain damage.

great...?

So anyways, back to the main point. Before you even bother writing anymore chapters, make sure you have this.

Plot: Stories with no plot get fucked over a few chapters in, point closed.

Background: Make your characters feel real, damnit, not titles or trophies, give us proof, give us details, this is what a reader hungers for.. understand?

Motivation: Do you care? About this project? Are you willing to put effort into writing to the best of your ability? If not, then these words don't mean anything more to you than some lecture from your mother. In one ear and out the other, if even that.

Caffene; Food for thought.. must.. not.. fall.. asleep o.0 Seriously though, if you get more serious about writing, you'll find yourself at the computer, or sitting with a pen in your hand for lengthy periods of time. Avoid working in a half conciouss state, you make lots of mistakes that way, and can produce utter crap, even if you have done extensive planning on your materpiece plot.

So, you may ask yourself now.. am I beating up on you?

Yes, actually, I am. Its how we get better, trial and error. If you don't see error, then the trial is useless. Even if you get nothing out of this, even if you hate me for it, just keep writing. Even if you screw up big time, even if you find yourself in a unbreakable writers block, if you give up, its over.

Finally, think of who your doing this for. Yourself? Family? Friends? Whatever the cause, make sure to seek inspiration when its offered. You'll end up regretting it if you dont.

Anyways, thats my basic view of the current situation. Yes, basic, close your jaw now and get some sleep.



Thankyou very much actually I was hoping you'd see this as I have seen your reviews from other fics(ToH's).

and uhh "heh".....It's an online habit I have >_> *destroys*

[EphekZ]

OK heres chapter one sorry I took long

this chapter is going to be good all fighting mostly


__________________________________________________ _


Chapter One-The Encounter




Hyami opened up his door and slowly walked into the cold dark room looking around for something to put his injured mag on. As he was putting it down an evil voice calmly talked out of the darkness.

"Hello Hyami, Long time no see?"

Hyami turned his head to where the voice might be coming from "Who are you? and just how did you get in here?"

The voice replied "Now now lets not get too hasty, It has been along time. I have a few questions for you"

I rritated by him not answering "Damn it! You answer my question and maybe I'll think about answering yours!"


The man got up and took out a ruby bullet the gun shined in the darkness but suddenly dissapeared. The man appeared behind hyami and put the gun to his head "Now, are you going to answer me or will I have to kill my old friend?"

"Why do you need to know?"

"Answer my damn Question!" He fired a bullet at his head but Hyami moved his head while the photon bullet grazed his head.

Hyami grbbed the back of his head and yelled from the tremendous pain he was in "DAMN YOU!" He withdrew a Photon Shuriken and started to rapidly spin it and jumped towards the man"DIE!!" The man dodged his attack and grabed Hyami's arm and pulled it up putting him in more pain. "You wanted to know who I was? I am Ichiro, now do you remember?" Hyami knew exactly who Ichiro was" y..yo..you but why, why are you here?!"

Ichiro tightened his grip "to see what you were doing in my area." he then threw Hyami into the wall and bursting throw the wall landing outside. He quickly followed him outside.

Hyami noticed he dropped his mag "damn, I'll have to get that later." He withdrew another Photon Shuriken and began to spin it "You will die here Ichiro by my hand."

Ichiro laughed assuringly "I don't think that will happen tonight" He drew out a T-Sword and assumed a fighting position."Still wanna fight?"

"of course." Hyami charged at him spinning two shurikens in each hand, he jumped into the air as ichiro blocked one blow with his sword but saw the other shuriken coming right for his head.

"No, it wont end here" Ichiro pulled out his ruby bullet and shot Hyami in the chest.


Hyami flew back, dropping his shuriken as it went into the mag on the floor. There Hyami lay Covered in blood next to his mag which had a shuriken planted into it.

Ichiro walked over to Hyami on the floor "What a waste of a life."

__________________________________________________ ____



Well, the two chpters have been pretty short I'll make sure to make it longer in the next chapter.

Hope you liked



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: darkgunner on 2004-12-14 21:05 ]</font>


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: darkgunner on 2004-12-14 21:08 ]</font>

[Sagasu]

Don't. Read. Ahead!! Stay concentrated and read from top to bottom to receive the maximum result for my time taken to provide you this post.



I'm going to smack you, and I'm going to do it for you benefit. I don't paticulary like you, I'm not paticularily fond of you, or your writing. Why? You've given me no reason to. You may argue that skill doesn't change overnight, but it does. It changes the moment you realize that you've fucked up, it changes the very instant you yourself want to get better. So right now, before you even read the rest of my editorial here, decide to yourself. "Do you care?"

Alright Dark, think, and think hard.

If you don't then stop right now and leave the thread, don't come back, don't start any sort of "fan fic" if you don't "care". If you want to get better, if you want to be able to impress people with words. mere, simple, harmless little words. Learn your speech craft and you give yourself a weapon, a bargaining chip, its a career for a reason. That reason has nothing with half assed writers writing half assed articles, novels, anything. There are people out there, just as new to this as you are, and I wouldn't give them this lip. Why? Some people do "care", some people do aim to improve, some people have what we call 'potential'. Yes, right now I see no potential in you. Why? You aren't super human, nor born with talent for anything but bitching for what you want. People who improve at something either love what they are doing, or love the rewards. When your working like this, on a forum, your rewards are minimal. So if you aren't working for yourself, fuck off, this isn't for you.

Coming back to 'potential'. Potential is born from the desire of achieving a certain output. People who dream of accomplishing a specific goal, a specific way, have more potential than every person on the planet who's just "gonna do this for fun" combined. People with inspiration to do better, people who care for the things that lay in their hands, the word on the screen, the armies behind their back.

If you want something, anything, be one of these people. If your not, you wont be anybody, you shall be one of those guys at the stores, whom we need for the tasks that those who actually use their fucking brain would rather not do. Its up to you, entirely up to you. I will either dash your hopes or increase them by this, if your guilty of not giving a shit you'll get mad. If there is perchance some small seed of desire buried within your mind that is to covered for me to see, then you are now hearing something that you've known inside you to be true this entire way. The feeling of uncertainty, putting it off, making excuses for poor usage of what you use to provide your service, its all tell tale signs that you'd rather be somewhere else.

Don't stop thinking, think for a minute or two. Leave the thread now please. Only come back if you have decided to actually write something worthwhile. Go away and decide.


Alright, if you've thought about if for a while and have decided to refresh your efforts, let us continue.


(A side note if you've ignored my previous request, and haven't taken the small time out. Don't bother reading if you have, you can if you want, though, realize the irony. You've just failed the test. You have just proven to yourself that you are not willing to listen, or take anything I say seriously. Being that you've failed, there's no reason for you to read the rest of my comments. They will only infuriate you, since you will only misunder stand them as making stabs at your face.)


Thankyou very much actually I was hoping you'd see this as I have seen your reviews from other fics(ToH's).

Still hoping? You have some fucking nerve thanking me, and then going on and make the exact same mistakes. You don't thank people for things you aren't truly thankful for, unless your full of shit and don't have the balls to say what's really on your mind. Alright, by now your certainly wondering out of all the people that write crappy fictions, why you? Well, you asked for it. You asked for critiques, so you'll receive them. Now when you ask for something, and then not truly 'listen' to the reply.. You are not only wasting their time, you are lying to them, you don't really want to get better, you want to move along and gain benefits with minimal efforts. Nobody likes a liar.

So you lied to me. Don't ever do lie to me again. Don't lie to anyone. Its a bad habit, a bad habit that will result in tears, depending on the person, blood.

Now to answer one of your questions. Why the hell do I care? Why would I bother to take hours of my time to do this? Simply, I'm one of those people that love this trade. I have what you would call "potential" or "opportunity". To me, writing this, writing essays, writing novels, its bliss. I like to hear that other people can feel this, I like to be with other people that understand potential. Then there are those who abuse, it wouldn't be anything when you are true to us, tell us that you don't really care, you just want to get a couple of compliments and be on your way. This right here falls under "unintended consequences", and every consequence is unavoidable, so don't try it. I care for this art, you say you care about it too. We now share a common bond. You prove that you do not care for this art, and you break the bond. Thus, you will no longer receive the benefits of the bond, and reap the consequences of deceiving.

This is what's on my mind. You want to know what's there? The ugly truth. Now believe it or not you can receive guidance from it, it can help you, it can guide you. I can guide you, only if your willing to listen. When it hurts it helps. When you realize the wrong it hurts your happiness, sometimes it hurts you so bad that you feel like giving up. That's why there are suicides, murders, rapes. People who are hurt, people who don't know how to deal with a situation. Now when you recover from being hurt, you are wiser, more experienced in the matter. If you look at it without malice, then you can benefit from it. Humans don't fail as something, they learn how not to do something. What your doing right now, is not the way to succeed. Learn it, please.

So I will say this honestly, if your looking for results, quick, overnight results.. there will be two things you must bother understand and accept. That you will be disappointed in yourself when you screw up, no matter how it happens. The more you screw up, the more it hurts. Now that you know that, don't hold spite for the one who hurts you with he intention for you to grow, okay? Learn to handle it. Now understand this as well. I do not take pleasure in hurting, when I edit, when I rant, I would like to see people recover for the better. The only reason I would do this is to see the person I am trying to help, benefit from it. I myself know this feeling, I've seen someone smile for me because I have progressed. So I know it hurts, even now as the person who inflicts the pain of gain, I too must undergo the same process. For me to grow, you need to grow. If I take the time to help you, and you learn from it, then I too have learned from the experience. That is the whole purpose of a teacher, that is why I like to teach the art I love.

Alright? Tell me, do you understand this?

Okay then. I'm done preaching. I will continue to take a risk here, and continue to be willing to put effort into a student, not knowing wether or not I too will be hurt, by them not understanding, or be hurt in a way that does not recover for the best. I want you to tell me if the following hurts you, or effects you in any way. But more importantly, I want you to tell me if you can handle it.

I ask you again,

Now that you know how it works, is this really what you want? I'd love to give you potential, I'd love to see you pick up the pieces of the bond between yourself and this art and put them back together. But as I have said from the very beginning, its all up to you. Not me, not the world, you. While were here, its all about one person,

you

That's it, the test is over. So before I do anything else answer my questions. If you've come this far honestly, listening to me, then there's hope There's always hope, if there's a willingness to listen. If its too much, or if you don't want it. Say so. If your willing, say so.

I'm trusting you not to lie this time. Now that you know this I'm willing to give you "a second chance". Get back to me when you can, I too, am still hoping.


On a side note - The reason I posted it here, instead of a pm or email to keep it private, is because that is part of the consequence. Also, other people may either prove me wrong, or they themselves may benefit from it. I'd like to be proved right, but being proved wrong also has its benefits.

[Solstis]

Sagasu - ever consider becoming an essayist or an editor?

darkgunner/anyone else - Don't think that Sagasu is being the rude or mean one here. My usual post for this sort of fic would be: "Hey, nice try! Keep on practicing!"

That wouldn't solve anything.

As Sagasu said, you need the drive in order to write "well." Darkgunner, I want you to look up how to construct a proper sentence. A good number of them are run-ons and would be much better with punctuation.

Here's a few other random quibbles:

I see no motivation for any of the actions in the story. "Hey! Who are you!" "Does it matter? Let's fight!" Okay... why?

I'm also not feeling then tension here. The "T" (TJ) sword is mentioned matter-of-factly. Unless it is some sort of cheap reproduction, the poor thing needs an introduction! The readership should go: "Ooh! A Tsumi...something sword!" Not: "Oh... a sharp piece of metal."

I could pick at more things, but I'm not sure if there would be a point to it.

I'd rather be impressed than disappointed. Let us see what you are truly capable of.

[EphekZ]

On 2004-12-15 10:10, Solstis wrote:
Sagasu - ever consider becoming an essayist or an editor?

darkgunner/anyone else - Don't think that Sagasu is being the rude or mean one here. My usual post for this sort of fic would be: "Hey, nice try! Keep on practicing!"

Yea, actually I didnt think that one bit he's just telling me the truth straight up and I like that alot

That wouldn't solve anything.

As Sagasu said, you need the drive in order to write "well." Darkgunner, I want you to look up how to construct a proper sentence. A good number of them are run-ons and would be much better with punctuation.

Here's a few other random quibbles:


I see no motivation for any of the actions in the story. "Hey! Who are you!" "Does it matter? Let's fight!" Okay... why?
Yea, I wasn't really in the mood but I dont want to go into it.


I'm also not feeling then tension here. The "T" (TJ) sword is mentioned matter-of-factly. Unless it is some sort of cheap reproduction, the poor thing needs an introduction! The readership should go: "Ooh! A Tsumi...something sword!" Not: "Oh... a sharp piece of metal."

heh, your right

I could pick at more things, but I'm not sure if there would be a point to it.


I'd rather be impressed than disappointed. Let us see what you are truly capable of.


Will do