HAYABUSA-FMW-
Apr 18, 2005, 04:25 AM
This will be long and painful for me, I'm sure. I'd like to suggest no one put me down for what I'm going to say. Personal stuff, yes. It could be better left outside of the forums here, on an online journal or some other form of getting it all out. I didn't think I would ever need an online journal(heard bad stories and such nonsense), but I am getting to that point.
I am something I don't even understand.
Okay easy enough. Plenty of people my age(19) haven't figured everything out right? Not enough life experience. You can't know everything. Nobody is perfect.
Friday night. Terrible. 10+ hour workday again. Came into work only to hear that I was "volunteered" to work tomorrow and another 10+ hour shift. I take offense. No one told me ahead of time. Last minute, "you have to come or else" sort of crap. I still say okay. I'm the yes man. I don't have plans. I don't have friends to even make plans with. They know this and I'm stuck, no reason why I can't work.
On the way home from work, I scream. I explode. Haven't done this in months; thought it was all surpressed. I don't know what exactly caused it. I yell at my mom about what people do to me. What I tell her they do to me. Why she doesn't say "they're wrong" only "don't hold grudges, you think too much". So yeah "I'm crazy right?! I'm also having a lot of fun at home, all by myself, no one to talk to ever!"
Come home finally. Pouting like a baby. Trying to hold composure. End up hitting myself with my fist repeatedly in the bathroom. I've done this a few times before. I can't help it, so I probably need help. Stop short of slamming my head against a countertop. I don't know if I believe this or not, but I feel frustrated that I am always thinking(but really who doesn't constantly think about something) that I don't fit in. That if I maybe knocked out a few brain cells, I'd be better equipped to work with people, deal with life. This is a dead end. It can't work. Doesn't stop me from beating myself, regretting it and crying now and again.
Come into work Saturday. 35 minutes late. I don't care. Holding my head low. I'll be there for the next 10+ hours, no one should care if I'm late, plus I do the most amount of grudge/crappy work. Constant moving, lifting, etc. Someone says "Hi," or "How you doing today?", screw them. I know enough about them that they won't be doing much today, why bother socializing/small talk? Don't even try to be nice to me. I know you don't mean it. I can say something directly to you and you won't answer.
In the process of ordering something out, I write a note after checking on supply and state to the newest worker that we are out of something and something needs to be refunded. Why? No one bothered to check, no one ever does. Half the bastards don't even know where it is, or have ever bothered to look.
"Okay where is the rest of this order? Why didn't you tell me we need to refund it?"- another worker exclaims.
"I wrote it on the ticket(receipt of the order)!"
I say it in a terrible tone. Bad mood brought to work. I'm at fault ten times over. Not the new worker's fault, she didn't know the process yet of refunds.
"No. You don't give me that attitude! I'm the senior cashier here! You have to tell me if something needs to be refunded!"
I turn my back. Don't say another word. I know she is right. Can't even hold my composure. Try to look down. Try to scowl. Not let it get to me. Be tough. Damn. Ran to the back. Couldn't keep myself together. Crying in the restroom. Hyperventilating, getting dizzy, can't stand up. Thoughts of suicide, etc. etc. running through my head. Sitting in the corner. Had bouts with this before. Never this bad. Just want to leave. Screw everybody. I failed. Quit the job, do something.
Take a few minutes and the boss eventually sees me in such disarray as I exit the restroom eventually. gives me another talk. Why does he do this? I'm useless. A failure. He won't let me quit. He sees a lot of himself in me. I say I should have been fired many times over by now. I'm really wrong this time. Worst thing ever. "Don't give up, or you wasted almost two years. You could quit and still have 60+ years to go but you learned nothing here that way."
I talk about not fitting in, ever. Not having a social life. Not having fun anymore. Of course he doesn't have all the answers, but still won't let me go. Why? I'll never understand. I have good days but also really bad ones. He says that I'm someone who takes too much upon himself. I'm very emotional.
Great. I'm something I don't even understand. An "emo" kid. Something I haven't heard of before seeing it typed online.
I write a sincere apology to the co-worker I offended. She gives me a big hug later. Says its okay. She didn't mean to yell at me. Boss settles things with everybody who was involved. I feel I got special treatment or whatever, since I'm just a maniac sometimes. It was my fault. I won't deny it at all. I'm also crazy. I can't deny that either. Lots of grudges, always "taking things the wrong way", lots of loneliness.
I hate always lowering myself to talk about crap I don't give a rats ass about at work, examples being: "Pubic hair, poker hands, prom, car parts, dating, drinking heavily, smoking, casual sex, making fun of Chinese people, making fun of Japanese people, etc."
There are somethings I try to talk about to get along with them and there are some things I will never talk in agreement with or support(the racism being one example). I joke around here and there. Its okay sometimes, but hard when everyone is in a conversation but me. I'm holding something/working, getting ignored and being told I'm "in the way."
No one ever talks to me directly outside of something work related. Mostly a damn order, not a request with a "please" attached, that I do something for them. I never speak up and say no so, they never learn. I write a nicely stated note(never vulgar or insulting) asking that something be changed and it gets taken down by my bosses. I'm so stuck with more and more workload while everyone stands around and talks about this kind of crap above. Some things are soo bad that I'm the only one doing them on a day to day basis and if they aren't done, the store will be a mess.
Sometimes I think maybe the store won't be there anymore due to negligence and someone not ever using their damn brain for just 2 seconds. I hope I don't explode like that again. I hope I figure something out. My life is too much for me to handle at times and I'm trying my best to deal, so I don't want to hear about "someone else's being worse-so stop bitching," as if I don't already think about that.
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: HAYABUSA-FMW- on 2005-04-18 02:40 ]</font>
I am something I don't even understand.
Okay easy enough. Plenty of people my age(19) haven't figured everything out right? Not enough life experience. You can't know everything. Nobody is perfect.
Friday night. Terrible. 10+ hour workday again. Came into work only to hear that I was "volunteered" to work tomorrow and another 10+ hour shift. I take offense. No one told me ahead of time. Last minute, "you have to come or else" sort of crap. I still say okay. I'm the yes man. I don't have plans. I don't have friends to even make plans with. They know this and I'm stuck, no reason why I can't work.
On the way home from work, I scream. I explode. Haven't done this in months; thought it was all surpressed. I don't know what exactly caused it. I yell at my mom about what people do to me. What I tell her they do to me. Why she doesn't say "they're wrong" only "don't hold grudges, you think too much". So yeah "I'm crazy right?! I'm also having a lot of fun at home, all by myself, no one to talk to ever!"
Come home finally. Pouting like a baby. Trying to hold composure. End up hitting myself with my fist repeatedly in the bathroom. I've done this a few times before. I can't help it, so I probably need help. Stop short of slamming my head against a countertop. I don't know if I believe this or not, but I feel frustrated that I am always thinking(but really who doesn't constantly think about something) that I don't fit in. That if I maybe knocked out a few brain cells, I'd be better equipped to work with people, deal with life. This is a dead end. It can't work. Doesn't stop me from beating myself, regretting it and crying now and again.
Come into work Saturday. 35 minutes late. I don't care. Holding my head low. I'll be there for the next 10+ hours, no one should care if I'm late, plus I do the most amount of grudge/crappy work. Constant moving, lifting, etc. Someone says "Hi," or "How you doing today?", screw them. I know enough about them that they won't be doing much today, why bother socializing/small talk? Don't even try to be nice to me. I know you don't mean it. I can say something directly to you and you won't answer.
In the process of ordering something out, I write a note after checking on supply and state to the newest worker that we are out of something and something needs to be refunded. Why? No one bothered to check, no one ever does. Half the bastards don't even know where it is, or have ever bothered to look.
"Okay where is the rest of this order? Why didn't you tell me we need to refund it?"- another worker exclaims.
"I wrote it on the ticket(receipt of the order)!"
I say it in a terrible tone. Bad mood brought to work. I'm at fault ten times over. Not the new worker's fault, she didn't know the process yet of refunds.
"No. You don't give me that attitude! I'm the senior cashier here! You have to tell me if something needs to be refunded!"
I turn my back. Don't say another word. I know she is right. Can't even hold my composure. Try to look down. Try to scowl. Not let it get to me. Be tough. Damn. Ran to the back. Couldn't keep myself together. Crying in the restroom. Hyperventilating, getting dizzy, can't stand up. Thoughts of suicide, etc. etc. running through my head. Sitting in the corner. Had bouts with this before. Never this bad. Just want to leave. Screw everybody. I failed. Quit the job, do something.
Take a few minutes and the boss eventually sees me in such disarray as I exit the restroom eventually. gives me another talk. Why does he do this? I'm useless. A failure. He won't let me quit. He sees a lot of himself in me. I say I should have been fired many times over by now. I'm really wrong this time. Worst thing ever. "Don't give up, or you wasted almost two years. You could quit and still have 60+ years to go but you learned nothing here that way."
I talk about not fitting in, ever. Not having a social life. Not having fun anymore. Of course he doesn't have all the answers, but still won't let me go. Why? I'll never understand. I have good days but also really bad ones. He says that I'm someone who takes too much upon himself. I'm very emotional.
Great. I'm something I don't even understand. An "emo" kid. Something I haven't heard of before seeing it typed online.
I write a sincere apology to the co-worker I offended. She gives me a big hug later. Says its okay. She didn't mean to yell at me. Boss settles things with everybody who was involved. I feel I got special treatment or whatever, since I'm just a maniac sometimes. It was my fault. I won't deny it at all. I'm also crazy. I can't deny that either. Lots of grudges, always "taking things the wrong way", lots of loneliness.
I hate always lowering myself to talk about crap I don't give a rats ass about at work, examples being: "Pubic hair, poker hands, prom, car parts, dating, drinking heavily, smoking, casual sex, making fun of Chinese people, making fun of Japanese people, etc."
There are somethings I try to talk about to get along with them and there are some things I will never talk in agreement with or support(the racism being one example). I joke around here and there. Its okay sometimes, but hard when everyone is in a conversation but me. I'm holding something/working, getting ignored and being told I'm "in the way."
No one ever talks to me directly outside of something work related. Mostly a damn order, not a request with a "please" attached, that I do something for them. I never speak up and say no so, they never learn. I write a nicely stated note(never vulgar or insulting) asking that something be changed and it gets taken down by my bosses. I'm so stuck with more and more workload while everyone stands around and talks about this kind of crap above. Some things are soo bad that I'm the only one doing them on a day to day basis and if they aren't done, the store will be a mess.
Sometimes I think maybe the store won't be there anymore due to negligence and someone not ever using their damn brain for just 2 seconds. I hope I don't explode like that again. I hope I figure something out. My life is too much for me to handle at times and I'm trying my best to deal, so I don't want to hear about "someone else's being worse-so stop bitching," as if I don't already think about that.
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: HAYABUSA-FMW- on 2005-04-18 02:40 ]</font>