Thoughts and Feelings

[Evil_Althena8]

WARNING: This is an emo post

So here I am sitting at my computer thinking about things. Why my life is the way it is. Why I make the choices I make. As much as I try to maintain a happy outlook on life, I can't help but feel like there is something missing.

I am 19 years old and I don't have a job, and I don't have my liscence. I don't know why, really. It's all my fault. I am on the verge of getting kicked out of my house because I haven't done anything with my life the past year since I graduated. I live each day in the present, so much that I can't make real plans for the future. I may say that I will go to college or get a job but when it actually comes down to it I push it aside till later. That's the way I am. I procrastinate to such a severeity that eventually I can't get ANYTHING done because it simply gets brushed off into "i'll do it later". It's almost as though I have to have someone help make those decisions for me. It's sad, I know

My social life and my friends.... They provide any real sanity I have left inside me. Without them I'd be reduced to a blob that simply cares for nothing in life....but still it's not a remedy. Every weekend I search for parties in my neighborhood to go to so I can get drunk. Why? I guess it's because I am so bored and it helps pass the time. I find myself to be a shy person...but a shy person who longs for social connections. I drink away the pains in life so I can live one night happily in mindless glee. Although it works short term...it still can't provide me with true substance. I never used to drink until my senior year of high school. I always used to be the goody-goody...the aloof kid that hated parties and felt uncomfortable at them. Now I'm totally different. I guess it's a change for better, but sometimes I feel fake. Fake like I don't belong. It's weird and hard to explain.

It's difficult for me to forge true emotional bonds and attachments with other people. I am not comfortable sharing my feelings and especially sharing my problems in life to others. I don't feel that anyone truly cares. I have really good friends but I still don't look to them for emotional support. Instead I turn to total strangers who won't judge me because they don't know me (i.e. you guys). Which leads me to my love life

It doesn't exist. I have only been in love with one person and I can never have that person. To this very day and every day that passes I am hurt because of it. I think of myself incapable of loving anyone else because nobody can make me feel the way he makes me feel. My sexuality can be described as awkward at best. I often have emotional attachments to girls and sexual ones to guys. I am torn between two sexes and each one offers me something that can't satisfy me. I long to have girlfriends for some reason...even though they offer very little in the physical attraction department. It's so fucked up I can't even explain why that is. My best friend Charles is the only person I have ever been both emotionally and physically attracted to. But I know I can't have him. Is this what love really is? A false illusion that makes you believe, and brings you back in no matter how hard you try to stop it? That's how the last 2 years of my life has been. I often find myself hating him and loving me. He annoys me, pisses me off, hurts me...but he is the only person that understands me. We understand each other and connnect on a level that I can't achieve with anyone else. But it's too late for me to turn back. Once I fell for him it was too late for me to realize it wasn't happening. My mind knows it's impossible but my heart can't stop loving. I have this tiny little hope that can't die and continues to make me believe
somehow that despite all odds it's possible. It kills me

I can envision myself being all alone in the future. My friends all have moved on and have girlfriends while I am stuck the same I have been for the last year. Perhaps I died a long time ago...and I await for someone to bring me back to life

[ABDUR101]

Well, for work. I'd say it's something you have to just take initiative with. Stop saying "meh later" and just start looking through the paper for ads, or even go around locally and try to find a place thats hiring and you'd be interested in.

If you just want the money and don't much care what you do, just grab and growl, but if you want something specific, give it some time to find it so you can try and really go the extra mile with it.

After I had dropped out of school for afew years at about 16 or 17, I started working for a physical rehab company that my sister is Director of. Started with at-home on the computer work, typing contracts, memos and manuals and after about a year, started working in facilities exclusively.

Did I want in this profession? Nope. Actually I had many chances to go elsewhere and work in an entirely unrelated field. But I stuck it out here and have been for about five years.

I never really planned anything, everything fell into place. While sometimes I get dismayed that I don't really plan anything, ever, I kind of like that I live day by day. But again, all I have to look forward to is work. No social life, no boyfriend/girlfriend, no friends except those I know online and my co-workers. Thats pretty much the extent of human interaction for me. The net, family and co-workers.

I do suggest finding a new crush though. If Charles isn't receptive of you, it only harms yourself to keep wishing for something that is highly unlikely. Just be more than glad to have him as a close friend, rather than nothing at all.

Best of luck.

[Neith]

It scares me reading this, a lot of that is identical to how I've been recently (read my rant if you want proof..)

I know it can be hard to go to people for support with this kinda stuff, but you really have to, otherwise you'll just get worse and worse...

Really, if you can bring yourself to it, try and talk to someone about it, they may understand what you're going through, and help you though it.

I myself am also 19, have no job, flunking university so far, have a shit social life, but I'm trying to make something of my life, I think you should try too.

Concerning the love life, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Better to have no-one than someone who'd use you. When you find someone, you'll know, same with me.

Might as well try and be happy, this is life, whether you like it or not.

[Evil_Althena8]

I've considered finding someone that I can really trust in real life to talk about this. But It's hard to tell who I can trust. I don't feel comfortable discussing it with my close friends for some reason. An aquantance or other friend would be best I guess.

[HAYABUSA-FMW-]

Heh.
After I barely graduated High School, I was living a shit, no worth life as well.

Sleep half the day, then go hang out with kids 2-3 years younger than me, after they were done with school. My parents hated this. Just mooching off them. Sleeping, eating, using the bathroom, and not doing anything important.

Some friend was planning a trip to Reno. My parents would not let me go unless I got a job, in three days. I asked them for help(friends). They didn't help much at all(shows how much they cared). I walked around town(not much in the way of jobs) asking for applications and managed to fulfill my quota set by my parents.

They figured a week or less was a bit harsh so setting a quota for filled out applications would be a good start, and still be strict.

The last application I filled out, a restaurant, called me back the same day. Two days later I got a interview, and have been there almost two years now. A lof of maturation was needed. I had a lot of moments where I should have been fired. For one reason or another they have kept me this long. My work is plenty sufficient by comparison(to damn ear half their workforce), and I tend to not care much about rescheduling my hours, working extra days(since this job is all I have and owe myself to somewhat). I have no "hanging out" buddies. No partying, drinking, or smoking.

Social interaction? humans are social animals?
Internet and co-workers for me as well.

I didn't ever expect this to happen(getting a job, things fall into place). My social life took a hit but these spoiled kids who know nothing about hard work/earning anything/value of a dollar. they never did chores when I visited them for hanging out. I was always given chores and was nowhere near as spoiled as these kids still are. Granted I did turn into a lazy lifeless slob after high school, and maybe a few years before that the downward spiral started.

I could be out living on my own, I could be broke, I could have a hard time with life. For that I'm thankful. But then again I'm a spoiled suburban nobody to most people anyhow. I'm sitting here with no direction in life, a mostly dead end type of entry level job almost anyone can do(apply, white lie a bit and you're in). I consider myself a failure sometimes, then go off and not think about it anymore. Let life move on.

Do your best to get a job. Don't let small details get you down. No one can fault you for trying, giving an effort.

You know its for the best so just get off your ass and do it. you deserve it or at least owe it to yourself and your family. You know it can make yourself a bit happier, right?

[zero12410]

you could always get a job killing people for money http://pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif

a little joke to lighten up the mood
the only advice I have for you is don't settle, if you want something don't stop untill you get it. I had a simaler experience, but my "friends" just abandoned me. I felt like shit, like I was going no where, no I working on my studio's first game and it looks like it's going to be big...

keep the faith and things may work out, have faith in your self and things will work out.

[HUcastShinobi]

God, maybe I should be careful on what I do, cause I turned 15 not too long ago and maybe I should try to open up more. But the fear of others thoughts on you is a thing that haunts me, and probably you guys too. It's like they see you as one person, but there is another you that no one really has seen. It's scary, but you have to open if you are that way. If you don't, you will just lock yourself in, and seal your fate. The more I see of how some people have ended up, I've become more and more afraid of what I'll be at that age... One decision can make the difference folks, so stay strong and swallow your pride, so just find where you are hiding your pride and just swallow it. I find that only opening things up and choosing the better of things will help you get through life... But that's just me...