Jive18
Jul 15, 2005, 12:17 PM
Well, I knew I'd eventually make a rant, so here it goes:
I wish this was something minor like a breakup, fight, etc., but unfortunately my life won't allow it. Death is confusing, and I'm trying to figure it out right now.
A part of my family in detail:
I don't know if my family is similar to others, but I imagine some of you can relate to my relationship with my grandparents. I have always been incredibly close to both sets of my grandparents; my father's parents live about 40 minutes away, and my mother's parents live a mere 10 minutes away. It's always been great having them so close because I think I have gotten to know them better than other kids my age. All of my friends have grandparents who live in completely opposite places, where visiting them becomes a once-a-year affair. Not the case with my family. I've seen my grandparents probably twice a week every week for my whole life. In a nutshell, they've become almost a second set of parents, and I always felt I could go to them with any problem I ever had.
The Ordeal:
Until 5 months ago, I had been lucky enough to say that all 4 of my grandparents were still alive. Then my dad's father became a complete wreck. Both of his kidney's failed and he lost his gag-reflex (it allows you to swallow). Because of this loss of swallowing his food ended up in his lungs, making it impossible to breath on his own and produced a flow of blood into his mouth. In the end, my grandfather died while struggling to breath and being drowned in his own fluids. The loss hurt me bad, and I still am not sure I ever got through it. Keep in mind I have been closer to my grandparents than a lot of other people.
About a year ago, before my grandfather died, my mom's mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. She has smoked all her life, mostly in secret. For some reason my mother and my aunt have always known, but they never told her to quit. Anyways, for a while my grandmother had done fine, even through all of the chemo that has ravaged hey body. Then it was found that the cancer had spread all over: her brain, right hip, spine, and shoulder. It seems that at 69 years old this is all too much for my grandmother handle.
The change in her for the past week has been unbelieveable. She's in the hospital, can barely speak, sleeps non-stop, and has barely eaten enough to stay alive. It's as if she isn't even in her body anymore. My mom cries every day, and I fear her depression is going to get serious again. The same goes for my grandfather, and my dad fears he will commit suicide if my grandmother dies.
So I write this with the hope my grandmother starts eating again, because right now that's life and death for her. I'm on the verge of going from 4 grandparents to just 2 in a matter of months. And who really knows how long my other 2 grandparents will be able to handle the fact that their life-long companions are gone. It makes me think that maybe people can die of a broken heart.
All of this has happened right before my junior year of high school, where I decide how my life is going to be for the next 3-4 years. It's going to be hell going back to the pressure of school with the possible death of my grandmother leaning on me. Again, I wrote this because I have to, and I'm afraid that if I wait any longer I won't have the heart to tell my story.
I wish this was something minor like a breakup, fight, etc., but unfortunately my life won't allow it. Death is confusing, and I'm trying to figure it out right now.
A part of my family in detail:
I don't know if my family is similar to others, but I imagine some of you can relate to my relationship with my grandparents. I have always been incredibly close to both sets of my grandparents; my father's parents live about 40 minutes away, and my mother's parents live a mere 10 minutes away. It's always been great having them so close because I think I have gotten to know them better than other kids my age. All of my friends have grandparents who live in completely opposite places, where visiting them becomes a once-a-year affair. Not the case with my family. I've seen my grandparents probably twice a week every week for my whole life. In a nutshell, they've become almost a second set of parents, and I always felt I could go to them with any problem I ever had.
The Ordeal:
Until 5 months ago, I had been lucky enough to say that all 4 of my grandparents were still alive. Then my dad's father became a complete wreck. Both of his kidney's failed and he lost his gag-reflex (it allows you to swallow). Because of this loss of swallowing his food ended up in his lungs, making it impossible to breath on his own and produced a flow of blood into his mouth. In the end, my grandfather died while struggling to breath and being drowned in his own fluids. The loss hurt me bad, and I still am not sure I ever got through it. Keep in mind I have been closer to my grandparents than a lot of other people.
About a year ago, before my grandfather died, my mom's mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. She has smoked all her life, mostly in secret. For some reason my mother and my aunt have always known, but they never told her to quit. Anyways, for a while my grandmother had done fine, even through all of the chemo that has ravaged hey body. Then it was found that the cancer had spread all over: her brain, right hip, spine, and shoulder. It seems that at 69 years old this is all too much for my grandmother handle.
The change in her for the past week has been unbelieveable. She's in the hospital, can barely speak, sleeps non-stop, and has barely eaten enough to stay alive. It's as if she isn't even in her body anymore. My mom cries every day, and I fear her depression is going to get serious again. The same goes for my grandfather, and my dad fears he will commit suicide if my grandmother dies.
So I write this with the hope my grandmother starts eating again, because right now that's life and death for her. I'm on the verge of going from 4 grandparents to just 2 in a matter of months. And who really knows how long my other 2 grandparents will be able to handle the fact that their life-long companions are gone. It makes me think that maybe people can die of a broken heart.
All of this has happened right before my junior year of high school, where I decide how my life is going to be for the next 3-4 years. It's going to be hell going back to the pressure of school with the possible death of my grandmother leaning on me. Again, I wrote this because I have to, and I'm afraid that if I wait any longer I won't have the heart to tell my story.