Naughty Saotome

[WashuSaotome]

Sorry, I'm seriously stressed out right now. Pardon my stupidity...

Yesterday, I spent my day outside with my ex, Jonathan. He made time for me for us to hang out because no one else wanted to. We roamed around downtown for a very long time, going into stores and such. Now, later on, we decided to take a pit stop at Grant Park and relax in the grass. However, he eventually started to touch me.

I resisted for a bit. This hasn't happened in a very long time (it used to be really, really frequent last year), and I didn't want to ruin anything between us or my current interest. I care for my ex, I do, but I had my limits... Sadly, I ended up giving in and pretty much let him have his way with me in public. (No, we did not have sex outside, just lots of kissing.)

(You can read more about the situation here: at the weblog.)

Now while we were kissing, I began to wonder... Why, out of all the times this has happened, is he kissing me now? Whenever he would fondle me, he wouldn't dare to look me in the eyes, hug me, or kiss me. But why now? I haven't asked him that yet (and I most likely won't, since he agreed to not talk to me anymore).

Even after we rode the bus, he deicded to walk me home. My neighborhood isn't the best, and since it was almost ten at night I didn't mind him taking me home one bit. However, while we rode the bus, got off the bus stop, and even down the dimly lit streets... He held me. He put his hand around my waist, held my hand, and as the resident idiots oogled and whistled at us as we walked past (the idiots around my neighborhood don't understand the concept of a black girl and a Mexican guy interacting) he properly told them to go away and shut up.

As he was doing this, not only did I feel horribly weird and nervous, but I felt...wishful. Even though Jonathan has a girlfriend, and I knew this was wrong, I began to wonder even more why he bothered to do this for me. Why didn't he just go home and let me walk home by myself? Why did he do these things? These actions made me feel special, yet very guilty because of the fact that all of these happy lovey things won't ever happen again.

And so, wishing me a good night / life, Jonathan kissed me once more before he went on his way. From there, I had to explain to my mom why I was out so late. But no, that wasn't my main problem. I had to tell this to my current interest, Tom.

Now, Tom and I knew each other for three years. After much stupidity on my behalf, it finally comes down to this: Next year, I was going to be able to see him and actually start a real relationship with him. But no. Guess what I had to tell him! I had to tell him about what happened with Jonathan!

This wasn't the first time I had this problem... I was very wishy washy about Jon and Tom, constantly going back and forth between them because I, at one point, loved them both. Right now, I care about Jon (because he ended up smoking, drinking, and cutting his wrists) and Tom (moreso than Jon and on a more romantic level). So, I told Tom about what happened, and he did the right thing and decided to cancel all plans for us to see each other and to never date in person. As much as I wanted to beg for forgiveness, I didn't. However, I deeply regret telling him... Just when I decided to tell the truth, I end up screwing myself over.
But then again, I promised not to hide anything from him. And...well...here I am.

Now I have neither of those people. Two wonderful people, gone from my life because I had to be so selfish...

[Scejntjynahl]

Just see it as a new start. You have nothing now, but at the same you can no longer lose anything more. And it is better for you to be honest, because in the end that is what you would want from the person you wind up with. And from my experience you either feel something for someone, or you don't. If you start justifying or gauging "reasons" of why you should be with someone... that is your mind talking, not so your heart. And been interested in two people is not a frequent event, but it does happen. Yet that can also mean that one nor the other completely satisfy whatever it is that you need from them. First become a whole person onto yourself, then worry about been a team with someone else. But these are only my personal opinions, as such in the end the choice should always be yours. Good luck in your future ventures.

[ai_no_usagi]

it was better for you to tell him about it. keeping secrets like that is a big no in a relationship.

now you won't have to worry about being torn between 2 guys *not meant to sound like an asshole*
and always remember, that there are plenty of other guys out there.

[InfinityXXX]

You did right to tell him. If you didn't someone could've used that against you in the future and all DRAMA would break lose.

To be honest, you should've told him no when he started touchin you but you still had feelings for him and he had feelings for you and *boom* stuff happened.

Errrm, he'll get over it in time.(At least i would if i was in his situation) He was upset at the time and people tend to say things they don't mean .

[Solstis]

Men, eh?

Ex-es can be frightening creatures, and it is pretty hard to stop feeling things for someone without shock therapy, or the like.

[EphekZ]

Well,I'm not in your situation but relationships with someone that cut them self and all that stupi drama causing shit will end a relationship very fast. Unless your into that but I really thinks its stupid when people cut themselves. In my experience people do it for attention because they know some girls will actually feel sorrow for their stupididty and can get close.

another thing I saw



Tom (moreso than Jon and on a more romantic level).


How can that ever be on a romantic level? Pain expresses romance?

Interesting

Of course people can say I am totally biased from these veiws but s I just said they are only views.


And Jonathen had a girlfriend? While you two had that night out or no?

If so, That right there shows hes not reliable and its probably better this way.

and Tom, If you hadnt told him then wouldnt you feel guilt?

Take what I said however you want to but this is what I think.

Who knows maybe you were fated to find someone else.

I think thats all I have to say not sure >_> Ill keep thinking anmd maybe add more but for right now. I hope everything gets better and only time will tell so try not to stress so much k? =)

-Ephekz

[InfinityXXX]

I too never saw the point of cutting yourself. Sorry if i sound stereotypical but every person i've known that cutted were girls, odd to me hear about a boy doing it.

[Daikarin]

Tomorrow's a new day. Forget about what's done, since you can't go back to change it. Believe in tomorrow, everything will work out.

If you ever feel as if you don't know which path to follow, silence your thoughts and let the paths follow you. Good luck.