HAYABUSA-FMW-
Aug 27, 2005, 04:25 AM
Reflection time or something.
The worst part of a birthday.
Look back on what day you were born, what happened on previous birthdays, what is happening today, balancing act. Don't fall off the high wire.
How is it different?, How have you changed?, How did the experiences change yet stay the same?
So last year or so, perhaps two years, distance.
Closed off from everyday communication with people, other than co-worker banter. Even then I don't express much, or put much into keeping a conversation.
Girl came into the store last week. A classmate from 3 years ago. Very nice person, helped me with some things at school. Smiled at me when I looked up to see her. I'm frowning from my workload, and turn away quickly to do another task rather than smile back. Just ignore, think of 3 years ago, what kinda of things happened. Good, like the time we had a dinner party together at our French teacher's home. Talked about future plans, and then the bad. How my plans have not even started on their way to fruition.
I stare into the deep fryer. What the hell? This is what my life has become, cooking french fries for someone impatient crossing their arms staring in my direction thinking a 6 minute order is way too long, after those plans I declared to the table, when we went around one by one telling our plans for the future after high school.
I said I was going to maybe start out at the local community college. I was intrigued by the A/V classes, and the A.A. degree for video production and editing.
Her plan was to become a chef. Culinary institute plans. Someone joked about the "naked chef" a television program on the Food Channel. Saying she could do that and I could be able to edit it. Laughs all around.
But here and now I'm ignoring someone who is kind and was a friend in the past? What's wrong with me?!
-
-
Sensei came in.
I see him every now and then. I left without notice during my last year in high school. I was getting back into karate after I had a falling out in life. First month back, I had a training session at the sister school, some 50 miles away. I didn't think I was ready, and I wasn't.
The whole 4 hour session, the whole day. Errors. Things that are foundations even the beginner students know. I zoned out and stood with my hands in a position different than everyone in the room. I didn't notice, standing at the front of a row(50 or so people in the room) how everyone was different, even with mirrors all around.
"Hey, Sempai Mike. Hands like this. The way you're doing it now is only for high level katas. Such as Bassai, and Suparimpei."
"What is (this form and kata derived from, the exact name)?"
"I don't know."
"I don't know, I don't know that kata.*says one other students name and he gets it, first time*"
Embarassed as hell, but there are more.
Sparring sessions. Group training first.
After the majority is done, head sensei at this dojo is talking to all of us as we sit. Black belts(of their school) stand up. I'm zoning out again, my Sensei motioning for me to stand up. I finally do, and the head sensei says that us standing up are ones the younger, less experienced students can look to for questions they need answered. I'm not a black belt and have been out of karate for a while, not knowing everything I once did.
Later someone asks me a question and I'm reluctant to answer. Not knowing fully, I ask some of my fellow students from our school for help. We agree on an answer through process of elimination, rather than a Senior student's factual answer.
Sparring starts.
Go up against a 200+ pound guy in front of the rest of the students. A friend from a previous few meetings, some in a tournament. Green Belt, one below my rank.
No points after 3 minutes.
Matches are usually 3 minutes long.
"Hey guys, keep it clean, jeez."
Second opponent.
Girl who used to be the same rank as I when I was last here. She had since become a junior Black Belt.
I'm sloppy and end up flailing, badly hitting her in the face. She is crying from such a hit, a bad blow. I'm really upset with myself for it, and thinking of how I even did that.
Match resumes(she's amazing to want to continue, after what I did) and I get hit in the face, cleanly, crumpling to the mat, crying. I look around and yeah, my Sensei embarassed for me. A smug look on their school's Sensei's, and students, thinking "I got mine, karma for doing that to one of their head students."
It wasn't intentional, I had just come back to karate, been out of shape, getting off pills and very dramatic things going on. I shouldn't have even been there. Such an experience led me to eventually quitting karate for good even after long years of training. Good and bad times. Losing our dojo to money shortages. Training deligently and even teaching others at times. Being the head of the class, one who didn't succumb to quitting as did every other student who reached my rank. I was never as good as the sister dojo students. Always held back, was ashamed, was nervous as hell in their "home turf," their dojo.
The talk with Sensei was brief. I had to just come to the front of the store to grab a pen. Get a list written down for one of our new workers. We gave a akward handshake, as per usual, heh. Him over-extending, me meeting him halfway, and upon hands meeting, we try to figure out what the other guy is trying to do next.
I say I'm working here everyday pretty much. He asks if I'm active, getting enough exercise. Oh yeah, walking 30 minutes a day to catch the bus. Look at me! I'm soo skinny now! Yeah I can see. How's the family. Good, good. Little brother okay. Eh. not really. A little trouble. No longer in regular school, some other stuff too. Good to see you again, Sensei. Say hi to your mom for me okay? Of course.
-
I want to make up with him for leaving without any reason or explanation. Just quitting, without proper notice. I feel bad. That experience may have soured me but our goodtimes certainly outweigh the bad. He's been a role model for staying fit and active, no matter what goes down with life conflicts or how old you are.
Always a catalyst and willing to help, I know he's been through much worse. His stories were always good for a listen and he let me and others in on things we weren't supposed to see. Things like an All-Japan tournament tape. Girls who ended up bloody, who were amazing to watch go head to head. Showing the girls in our class that yes, one day they could be that skilled, be that powerful.
Haven't had the nerve to tell him face to face. I see him every now and then and of course I'm thinking he will want his head student to return to class. To get my life back on track and give him some joy back to his.
-
People in my everyday life.
Some are rude, some are nice, then there is this breed of sibling rivalry. This terrible group of jerks.
They will either call out my older brother's name, repeatedly when they see me going about my everyday business. At work, outside of work, this town is full of em.
If I look in their direction I get the same conversation. Hey you're this guy's brother. I knew him in high school. What's he doing now? Oh great. Tell him I said hi.
It wouldn't be soo bad unless this didn't happen:
I knew your brother in high school. You're his brother right? Yes I am. Okay I don't want to talk to you anymore.
Some girl did this. A real bitch.
Another person stops at the stopsign in front of my house. Says hey, is your older brother home. I don't answer back- don't look in their direction, he doesn't even live here anymore, if they were good enough friends they should know that. They sit there for another 2 minutes and then finally leave.
They know I'm his brother by my looks, yet I don't think I look anything like my arrogant, spoiled older brother.
They don't know my name, or even ask it; Just want to tell me they knew him in high shool. WTF, I don't care. You don't care to even know my name, and just say the same crap as the last person?! I don't care what he did in high school, how he was soo great! He berated me in front of people like you. Soo much so that it was a given that I'm a loser. I'm a nobody, living in his shadow after he's been out of high school nearly 5 years?!
I don't even look in their direction anymore when they call out to me by saying my older bro's name. I will tell him next time this happens, hey your stupidass friends said to say hi to you. Oh who was it? I don't know, they don't know my name, I don't know their name. And they're too stupid to tell me their names. So how the heck should I know?!
-
I put on my ignore button as well for some former friends who come into the store every now and then now. They call out to me saying my name and hey. I just work.
One stopped his car alongside me and asked me if I needed a ride. I declined and kept walking. I never said a word and just waved them off. I don't "need help" from their car/insurance/gas that their parents pay for them. I have to walk to the bus-stop, pay my own way, pay rent, work hard, do all my chores, do extra chores, and get yelled at if I want to quit my job and go to a crappy community college?!
While they're driving around in a Lexus their parents bought when they do no chores, get bad grades and they pity me, thinking I'm not man enough to find my own way to work, and I "need a ride" from them?!
-
I'm really bitter now. I can ignore someone like nobody's business. My face is usually in a permanent scowl. A huge frown of disapproval.
I don't have "fun" or just hanging out "friends." I've succeded in alienating them from my life. Some left me in their dust, some I left behind.
I don't feel I need people who acted like them, and kind of set myself into a mode that everyone is like that or will eventually be like them.
A co-worker who is a nice person told her younger brother one day I made $13.50 an hour after she looked at my paycheck when thumbing through them, since the stupid boss wasn't around and let her do this to hand them out.
This was a bold lie. It was considered "time and a half" overtime pay. Nobody gets that kind of pay for a crap job like this.
When I found out that she did this, spread a rumor about me to make people hate me, I was shocked and even more seclusive.
People usually ask you hey how are you, right?
Nobody ever says, I'm doing terrible. Because of this, this, and that. Just say "I'm fine," and they soon enough get distracted from conversation with you, since you aren't important.
I overthink things like this. When someone is asking me something and I'm about to open up just a little to answer truthfully, their attention is soon gone from me and on to someone else's distraction and there I am left with a half thought. Then they never get back to it. Hell, it doesn't matter, I'm the weird guy at work, who they consider "doesn't talk a lot." I can talk plenty if anyone was willing to listen. Just look at these long posts, all my thinking is done through a computer?
I'm really upset with how things have turned out within the last few years. How dreams have been shattered, how I'm picking up the pieces now. How I reflect back on more and more badtimes in my life and think that what goes on now to upset me is just karma from bad things I might have done in the past.
20 years old now, what do you call this, "a half mid life crisis" a "quarter-life crisis"?!
Time to buy something, to make it seem like "I haven't run out of life yet", even though my life has yet to get off the cutting room floor and get started already.
Damn, world.
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: HAYABUSA-FMW- on 2005-08-27 02:36 ]</font>
The worst part of a birthday.
Look back on what day you were born, what happened on previous birthdays, what is happening today, balancing act. Don't fall off the high wire.
How is it different?, How have you changed?, How did the experiences change yet stay the same?
So last year or so, perhaps two years, distance.
Closed off from everyday communication with people, other than co-worker banter. Even then I don't express much, or put much into keeping a conversation.
Girl came into the store last week. A classmate from 3 years ago. Very nice person, helped me with some things at school. Smiled at me when I looked up to see her. I'm frowning from my workload, and turn away quickly to do another task rather than smile back. Just ignore, think of 3 years ago, what kinda of things happened. Good, like the time we had a dinner party together at our French teacher's home. Talked about future plans, and then the bad. How my plans have not even started on their way to fruition.
I stare into the deep fryer. What the hell? This is what my life has become, cooking french fries for someone impatient crossing their arms staring in my direction thinking a 6 minute order is way too long, after those plans I declared to the table, when we went around one by one telling our plans for the future after high school.
I said I was going to maybe start out at the local community college. I was intrigued by the A/V classes, and the A.A. degree for video production and editing.
Her plan was to become a chef. Culinary institute plans. Someone joked about the "naked chef" a television program on the Food Channel. Saying she could do that and I could be able to edit it. Laughs all around.
But here and now I'm ignoring someone who is kind and was a friend in the past? What's wrong with me?!
-
-
Sensei came in.
I see him every now and then. I left without notice during my last year in high school. I was getting back into karate after I had a falling out in life. First month back, I had a training session at the sister school, some 50 miles away. I didn't think I was ready, and I wasn't.
The whole 4 hour session, the whole day. Errors. Things that are foundations even the beginner students know. I zoned out and stood with my hands in a position different than everyone in the room. I didn't notice, standing at the front of a row(50 or so people in the room) how everyone was different, even with mirrors all around.
"Hey, Sempai Mike. Hands like this. The way you're doing it now is only for high level katas. Such as Bassai, and Suparimpei."
"What is (this form and kata derived from, the exact name)?"
"I don't know."
"I don't know, I don't know that kata.*says one other students name and he gets it, first time*"
Embarassed as hell, but there are more.
Sparring sessions. Group training first.
After the majority is done, head sensei at this dojo is talking to all of us as we sit. Black belts(of their school) stand up. I'm zoning out again, my Sensei motioning for me to stand up. I finally do, and the head sensei says that us standing up are ones the younger, less experienced students can look to for questions they need answered. I'm not a black belt and have been out of karate for a while, not knowing everything I once did.
Later someone asks me a question and I'm reluctant to answer. Not knowing fully, I ask some of my fellow students from our school for help. We agree on an answer through process of elimination, rather than a Senior student's factual answer.
Sparring starts.
Go up against a 200+ pound guy in front of the rest of the students. A friend from a previous few meetings, some in a tournament. Green Belt, one below my rank.
No points after 3 minutes.
Matches are usually 3 minutes long.
"Hey guys, keep it clean, jeez."
Second opponent.
Girl who used to be the same rank as I when I was last here. She had since become a junior Black Belt.
I'm sloppy and end up flailing, badly hitting her in the face. She is crying from such a hit, a bad blow. I'm really upset with myself for it, and thinking of how I even did that.
Match resumes(she's amazing to want to continue, after what I did) and I get hit in the face, cleanly, crumpling to the mat, crying. I look around and yeah, my Sensei embarassed for me. A smug look on their school's Sensei's, and students, thinking "I got mine, karma for doing that to one of their head students."
It wasn't intentional, I had just come back to karate, been out of shape, getting off pills and very dramatic things going on. I shouldn't have even been there. Such an experience led me to eventually quitting karate for good even after long years of training. Good and bad times. Losing our dojo to money shortages. Training deligently and even teaching others at times. Being the head of the class, one who didn't succumb to quitting as did every other student who reached my rank. I was never as good as the sister dojo students. Always held back, was ashamed, was nervous as hell in their "home turf," their dojo.
The talk with Sensei was brief. I had to just come to the front of the store to grab a pen. Get a list written down for one of our new workers. We gave a akward handshake, as per usual, heh. Him over-extending, me meeting him halfway, and upon hands meeting, we try to figure out what the other guy is trying to do next.
I say I'm working here everyday pretty much. He asks if I'm active, getting enough exercise. Oh yeah, walking 30 minutes a day to catch the bus. Look at me! I'm soo skinny now! Yeah I can see. How's the family. Good, good. Little brother okay. Eh. not really. A little trouble. No longer in regular school, some other stuff too. Good to see you again, Sensei. Say hi to your mom for me okay? Of course.
-
I want to make up with him for leaving without any reason or explanation. Just quitting, without proper notice. I feel bad. That experience may have soured me but our goodtimes certainly outweigh the bad. He's been a role model for staying fit and active, no matter what goes down with life conflicts or how old you are.
Always a catalyst and willing to help, I know he's been through much worse. His stories were always good for a listen and he let me and others in on things we weren't supposed to see. Things like an All-Japan tournament tape. Girls who ended up bloody, who were amazing to watch go head to head. Showing the girls in our class that yes, one day they could be that skilled, be that powerful.
Haven't had the nerve to tell him face to face. I see him every now and then and of course I'm thinking he will want his head student to return to class. To get my life back on track and give him some joy back to his.
-
People in my everyday life.
Some are rude, some are nice, then there is this breed of sibling rivalry. This terrible group of jerks.
They will either call out my older brother's name, repeatedly when they see me going about my everyday business. At work, outside of work, this town is full of em.
If I look in their direction I get the same conversation. Hey you're this guy's brother. I knew him in high school. What's he doing now? Oh great. Tell him I said hi.
It wouldn't be soo bad unless this didn't happen:
I knew your brother in high school. You're his brother right? Yes I am. Okay I don't want to talk to you anymore.
Some girl did this. A real bitch.
Another person stops at the stopsign in front of my house. Says hey, is your older brother home. I don't answer back- don't look in their direction, he doesn't even live here anymore, if they were good enough friends they should know that. They sit there for another 2 minutes and then finally leave.
They know I'm his brother by my looks, yet I don't think I look anything like my arrogant, spoiled older brother.
They don't know my name, or even ask it; Just want to tell me they knew him in high shool. WTF, I don't care. You don't care to even know my name, and just say the same crap as the last person?! I don't care what he did in high school, how he was soo great! He berated me in front of people like you. Soo much so that it was a given that I'm a loser. I'm a nobody, living in his shadow after he's been out of high school nearly 5 years?!
I don't even look in their direction anymore when they call out to me by saying my older bro's name. I will tell him next time this happens, hey your stupidass friends said to say hi to you. Oh who was it? I don't know, they don't know my name, I don't know their name. And they're too stupid to tell me their names. So how the heck should I know?!
-
I put on my ignore button as well for some former friends who come into the store every now and then now. They call out to me saying my name and hey. I just work.
One stopped his car alongside me and asked me if I needed a ride. I declined and kept walking. I never said a word and just waved them off. I don't "need help" from their car/insurance/gas that their parents pay for them. I have to walk to the bus-stop, pay my own way, pay rent, work hard, do all my chores, do extra chores, and get yelled at if I want to quit my job and go to a crappy community college?!
While they're driving around in a Lexus their parents bought when they do no chores, get bad grades and they pity me, thinking I'm not man enough to find my own way to work, and I "need a ride" from them?!
-
I'm really bitter now. I can ignore someone like nobody's business. My face is usually in a permanent scowl. A huge frown of disapproval.
I don't have "fun" or just hanging out "friends." I've succeded in alienating them from my life. Some left me in their dust, some I left behind.
I don't feel I need people who acted like them, and kind of set myself into a mode that everyone is like that or will eventually be like them.
A co-worker who is a nice person told her younger brother one day I made $13.50 an hour after she looked at my paycheck when thumbing through them, since the stupid boss wasn't around and let her do this to hand them out.
This was a bold lie. It was considered "time and a half" overtime pay. Nobody gets that kind of pay for a crap job like this.
When I found out that she did this, spread a rumor about me to make people hate me, I was shocked and even more seclusive.
People usually ask you hey how are you, right?
Nobody ever says, I'm doing terrible. Because of this, this, and that. Just say "I'm fine," and they soon enough get distracted from conversation with you, since you aren't important.
I overthink things like this. When someone is asking me something and I'm about to open up just a little to answer truthfully, their attention is soon gone from me and on to someone else's distraction and there I am left with a half thought. Then they never get back to it. Hell, it doesn't matter, I'm the weird guy at work, who they consider "doesn't talk a lot." I can talk plenty if anyone was willing to listen. Just look at these long posts, all my thinking is done through a computer?
I'm really upset with how things have turned out within the last few years. How dreams have been shattered, how I'm picking up the pieces now. How I reflect back on more and more badtimes in my life and think that what goes on now to upset me is just karma from bad things I might have done in the past.
20 years old now, what do you call this, "a half mid life crisis" a "quarter-life crisis"?!
Time to buy something, to make it seem like "I haven't run out of life yet", even though my life has yet to get off the cutting room floor and get started already.
Damn, world.
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: HAYABUSA-FMW- on 2005-08-27 02:36 ]</font>