FanFic: History of the Crimson Blader

[Dre_o]

It's not finished yet but I'm planning on typing up Chapter 1 through Chapter 5 soon.



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Dre_o on 2005-09-28 13:08 ]</font>
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[Dre_o]

Chapter 1

Through all the people running about the upper walkways, Dre walks alone. Though he blends in to the general eye, if you look closer, he sticks out horribly. A set of orange boots stick out from beneth his extra large dark blue pants. His torso is covered with a black shirt with an orange lightning bolt on it. Potentially the oddest feature on his body is the oversized orange bracer on his right hand that contains his BEE system that happened to be beeping at the time.

Choosing to ignore it for fear of who sent the message, he realizes a person calling for him,
"Hey Dre, wait up!" gasps the voice.
Turning around, a boy around his same age jogs towards him.
"Chris, whats up man?"
"Just..(breath) wanting to talk. Hey, do you know you walk too fast?"
"Oh yea, sorry"
"Anyways,..um.. you've got a message." nodding towards Dre's BEE.
"O yea,.. I know..."
"So you're just going to ignore it?"
"Erm yea, there's a problem, it's her."
"Ooo, what did you do this time?"
"Ahh,..you really don't want to know."

Not a second after Dre finishes that sentence, a small blue blur nearly knocks his head off. Recovering from the inpact, Dre examines the the angry Mag now attatched to his head.
"Well, laughs Chris, I have a pretty good idea of what you did."
"Wow how did you guess?" snarles Dre as he attempts to pry the amazingly strong robot off his face.
"Please let go." Just as he says this, the Mag jumps off his face and latches on to his arm and starts tapping on the BEE.

"Well, I guess you've got no choice don't you?" chuckles Chris.
"Hmph, guess so." giving Chris a menacing look. Then he flips open the the bracer, the screen lights up and displays,

<Catlyn> Answer me Dre.
<Catlyn> I know you are there.
<Catlyn> This is your last chance.
<Catlyn> Ok, I'm sending Chao.

"Looks like it would have been easier just to answer, hmm?"
"Heh yea." Dre mumbles as he glances at the Chao now happily hovering over his shoulder.
He begins typing on the keyboard that is revealed by the screen once it flips up.

<Dre> I'm here.
<Catlyn> It's about time.
<Dre> Sorry
<Dre> I didn't notice it.
<Catlyn> Don't give me that! The thing is on your arm for crying out loud.
<Dre> Heh, sorry again.
<Catlyn> It's ok. Anyways, I've got dinner nearly done and I want you here for it today, ok?
<Dre> Ok, I'll be there. Later.

"Dinner hmm? Mind if I come?"
"Apparently, I've grown two new heads now hmm?" glancing around to see that a couple of people have began to stare.
"Well now, Dre bellows as he flips shut the BEE, looks like I won't be able to continue this walk much longer."
"A walk? It looked to me like you were scoping the ladies."
"Ermm, time for me to go, see you later." he says stepping away.
"Yup, later." Chris says heading the opposite way.

With that, Dre steps into the nearest transporter, followed quickly by his Mag, and sets the destination to housing block 12.

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[Dre_o]

Short chapters? Yea I know. Any ideas on grammar or anything like that would be greatly appreciated.

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[Dre_o]

Chapter 2

Housing block 12, it resembles something of an apartment except that it is in the shape of a small spire with ovular protrusions for houses. The block is surrounded by similar spires making one large group. Unfortunetly, Dre happenes to be transported to the spire farthest from his house which is on the entire other side of the cluster, facing the outside of Pioneer Two and into space.

The housing block is a congregation of races, Humans, Newmans, and Androids take of residence here. All around, the sound of children from all races playing together can be heard.

Figuring Catlyn's patience is running low, Dre increases his pace to a brisk jog. Keeping her waiting at this point, Dre figures, is not a good idea. He's jogging along when his mind begins to drift off and he misses the petite young newman coming around a corner.

"Ow," yelps the newman as she and Dre run head on into one another.
"Oh, sorry are you ok?" he asks embarrassed at his absent mindedness.
"Yea, I think so I was just a little distr... Oh Dre it's you!"
It takes him a second but he finally recognizes the you girl thanks to her distinct hat.

"Oh Ana, how have you been?"

Ana is a young newman, approxametly 14 years old, who is also a very talented and gifted Force. At the time, she is wearing a flowing purple and red dress, her large purple almost platform shoes, and her trademark tall purple hat that covers most of her amethist hair.

"So, she asks dusting herself off and graciously dusting Dre off as well, where are you going?"
"Well I was actually going home for dinner." as he casts a nervous glance at the corner of his house now visible.
"Cool, can I come?" inching closer to him.
"Hmm, I don't know. Well I better be on my way, see you later" he calls over his shoulder.
"Ok! Lets talk again sometime, real soon ok? Maybe tomorrow or...." her voice trails off in the distance.

After dodging a few more pedestrians, Dre reaches the transporter to the building. Just as he exits the transporter, he is met by an enticing smell that coaxes him into the kitchen. On the table he finds a delicious looking meal wainting but no one there to eat it. Moving through the kitchen and into the hallway, he hears a sigh coming from a room down the hall.

He approaches the room to find the door open and someone sitting in a chair, staring at the stars.

"Caty?" using the name he gives his sister when he is in trouble.
Startled,"Oh, fwew, you scared me there."
"Sorry, and sorry I'm so late, I got hung up for a little bit."
"It's ok, she says smiling, you really should come home earlier though."
"Sorry again, I'll try harder. Anyways, dinner smells great, what did you make?"
"Well, boasts the Newman as she nearly jumps out of the chair, I though we would try something new tonight!" She then bounds past Dre, out into the hallway, and into the kitchen.
Dre fallows behind and remembers the question he was needing to ask,
"Hey, anyone call for me while I was gone?"
"Yes, you recieved a one call from Alishia and six from Ana."
"Holy crap, six calls! What did she want?"
"I don't know, every time she just said she would call back."

Taking a second to think, Dre enters the kitchen and sits down at the table.

"What did Alishia say?" he asks scanning the table.
"Well she told me to tell you to call her back about a job or a mission or something like that."
"Hmmm.. right, thanks."
"No problem. Now, lets dig in."

As he begins to eat, Dre thinks to himself what kind of job does she have for me this time? The last job I took from her almost got me killed. Oh well, might as well see what she has to say.

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[PhotonDrop]

I like it so far. It has a lot of potential, I can't wait to read more.

And don't worry if not many people respond, some are too lazy to read fan-fictions these days. http://pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif

[Dre_o]

Chapter 3

The next morning, Dre decides to go and talk to Alishia in person about this new "job." Just as he exits the transporter from his house, Ana accidentaly bumps into him.

She instantly becomes excited and burst, "Oops, sorry, no I'm really sorry. Hi Dre, where are you going?"
"Um, just going to get some details about a job." he says stepping back for fear she might explode.
"Cool! You mean like a Hunter's job? Can I come too?"
"Well, um, hold on, Ill check."

He activates his BEE while glancing over it at the jittery Ana.

To: <Alishia> Hey, are you there?

A few tense seconds later.

<Alishia> Yes, what do you need?
<Dre> Just needing to know some info about that job from yesterday. Is it ok if I bring along some potential back up?
<Alishia>.....
<Alishia>Well, I guess so.
<Dre>Ok cool, thanks.
<Dre> Oh by the way, when should we stop by for some more information?
<Alishia>Hmm.. I believe 2:00 pm will do fine.
<Dre>Right, we'll be there.

The moment he closes the lid, Ana jumps forward and wails, "So can I go?"
"Yea, we need to be there by 2:00."
"Right, sounds fun."
"Well then, We better get going."

He begins to walk away when he hears a different voice calling him

"Dre, Dre, wait up!"

Turning around, he finds Catlyn bounding towards him.
"Can I come with you? I don't have anything else to do."
"Hmm, yea I guess you can, later we are going to get some information on a job from Alishia."
"We?"
"Oh yea, Ana and I are going to work together."

Giving a quick, jealous glance to Ana, she gives Dre the sad look and says, "You know it worries me when you go on dangerous jobs."
"Sigh, you know I have to take these jobs to fill in the gaps of cash."
"Yea I know."
"Remember, I will always be extra careful."
"Ok..."

After a few seconds, Ana steps inbetween them and says, "I hate to interrupt this scintillating conversation, but do you think we could get moving?"
"Oh, he says embarrassed, yea lets go."

Without another moment more, they begin to walk towards the main shopping district when Catlyn asks, "Where are we going?"
"Well, I thought we would spend some time at the shopping district since our meeting is at 2:00 and it's barely noon."
"Yea, that sounds like a great idea!" cheers Ana from behind. "I've been looking for some new clothes."
"Cool!"laughs Catlyn

When they enter the shopping area, the head in the direction of the clothing area to find that it was packed with people. Confused Dre looks at Ana over his shoulder,
"What's going on? Is something special happening?"
Dumbfounded, Ana Shreeks,
"What!?!? Don't you know? The Unity Society is hosting a ball! Don't you read the news?"
"Um, no, not really. What's the ball for?"
"To raise money for the Newman housing district that is under construction."
"Oh really! How fun!," interrupts Catlyn,"Oh Dre, do you think we can go?"
"Hmm, Maybe, it depends on if we can get enough money from this job."
"Oh, I hope we can!" wishes Ana
"We'll try, we'll try."

With one last look at the horde of women trying to get into the stores, the trio turns just to find another croud forming at the other end of the district. The major difference this time is that the croud is at the electronics section of the district. Dre finds this alarming because he likes to spend much of his free time here, browsing. As they approach the now growing croud, Dre inquires with a nearby Android,
"What's happening?"
" I'm not sure, all I know it that everything in this area is shut down and nobody knows why."
"Hmm, that's weird. Has anyone checked the powergrid, made sure it isn't fried or anything?"
"Yes, the person who went to check them just got back and said nothing is wrong."
"Hmmm.. ok thank you."
"No problem."

After pondering about the problem for a moment, Dre turns around to find that both Catlyn and Ana have disappeared.




<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Dre_o on 2005-09-26 18:09 ]</font>
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[Dre_o]

Just a side note, Typing chapters takes too long. http://pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_frown.gif

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[Dre_o]

Chapter 4

Withen the crouded shopping district, Catlyn and Ana sit on a bench next to a packed dress store. As they sit, Catlyn stares off into the distance while Ana glances around nervously.

"Hey Catlyn, do you think it was a good idea to leave Dre?" A few silent seconds later she taps on her shoulder.
"Um Caty? are you ok?"
Startled, she quickly responds,"Oh, yes yes I'm fine."
"What were you looking at?" Ana asks looking around.
"Oh, nothing, just thinking."
"Ummm, ok. Hey! do you think you'll be able to come with us on this mission?"
"Well..no I don't think so, she says suddenly very glum, I don't have a Hunters Lisence, remember?"
"Oh... yea sorry." and says feeling horrible about Catlyn's problem.
"It's ok, oh look! Here comes Dre!"

Weaving through the croud, Dre's fear begins to subside, "Where were you guys? I've looked everywhere!"
"We're sorry, Ana says adjusting her hat, our legs were just getting tired, thats all."
"Yea, we're really sorry!" says Catlyn raising from the bench.
"Hey, it's ok, no need to be sorry, I was just a little worried."
"Why?"
"Well, recently weird things have been going on."
"Hmm? What kind of things?"
"Huh... there's been large amounts of photon build up, wide spread electronic failure, system malfunctions, that kind of stuff."
"Emm.. weird indeed." Ana states as she checks her organizer, "Oh boy, it's getting close to 2:00, we better get moving."

Just as the clocks hit 1:45, they head towards the restaraunt Zen Uay which is the designated meeting place set by Alishis. While walking along, they come across several clusters of disabled electronics. Though have to go through two transporters and up two sets of stairs, they make it to the restauraunt just in time to find Alishia waiting for them.

"Dre, you should really try to be a little more punctual." casting him a salty glare.
"Yea, sorry about that, we got a little side tracked."
"You mean the electronic disturbance right?"
"Yea, how did you know?"

Her eyes narrow and she glances around before saying," That is what this job is about. Unfortunetly, I don't think we can talk about this in the open."
"Why?"
"Just trust me, lets go inside and sit down."

They all head inside and choose the table farthest from all other people, which only happens to be a couple on a date. After ordering some drinks from the projector monitor, Alishia gets down to the nitty gritty.

As she combs her hair, Alishia stares into Dre's eyes making him extremely nervous, "Tis job is beyond both the military and the Hunters Guild."
Suprised, Dre responds,"Really? Does that mean neither is willing to sponsor it?"
"Yes"
"Why?"
"Hhh...sigh... neither the guild or the military likes to sponsor missions that involve operation technology and the pressure of losing lives."
"What!?"
"Yes, I don't know why but thats the reason they released to the private sources."
"Gasp, you mean Dre's life could be in danger!" Catlyn yelps as she grasps his hand.
"Hmph yes, as in any mission, his life would be in some form of danger."
"Yea but that's why I'm going with him!" Ana cheers as she nearly topples out of her chair.
"Indeed." says Alishia over her soda.
"Well then, interrupst Dre getting off the subject of death for a second, what will be this job's reward?"
"200k."
"Urf, nearly choking on his drink, What did you say?"
"200,000 mesenta."
"Why in Heaven is it that high?"
"Because, not only will this problem eventually potentially harm many lives, but it also can poteneially destroy every electronic device on Pioneer 2 and in effect, everyone's life. Thusly, many companies and groups are pooling money to stop it."

After a short period of silence and thinking, "No, I can't give you anymore details, not here at least."
"How come?" inquires Catlyn.
"Just trust me. I'll come to your house at 5:00 pm tomorrow and we'll discuss more details then, K?"

After looking around and getting reluctant approval from both Catlyn and Ana, Dre says sure and it's set.

"Well then Alishia, thank you for the info. Could you do me a favor?"
"Sure, what do you need?"
"Pick up the tab will you?"
But before Alishia can object, they are out the door.
"Hey wait a minute! Come back here!"

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[Elvendar]

Hmm. I suppose it does have potential. Some constructive criticism:

1) The story is almost two casual. It's almost like i'm sitting back and watching people go ahead on their daily lives. While that may be what you're aiming for, any fictional work should have some sort of hook to keep the reader's interest, and make it unique.

2) You have a lot of odd sentences throughout the story. I'm not quite sure you understand how quotation marks are used. Sentences like this:

"Oh, he says embarrassed, yea lets go."
need to look something like this
"Oh," he said embarassedly, "let's go."
at the very least.

3) Too much talk, not enough action. It's the same every time. It doesn't matter if your chapters are short. While dialogue may move the story along, it needs to be balanced with a substantial amount of action so that the reader is entertained. The characters cannot be omnipotent; They should not learn everything through talking. Then again, a more dialogue-oriented story is a change of pace from the usual around here, so I wouldn't worry too heavily about this one. Add a little bit more action and you should be fine.

4) Odd mannerisms in talking. While sometimes odd mannerisms in a character's speech can add depth to the character, some mannerisms of speech will make the character seem dull and cliche. For instance, one of your characters has this odd mannerism of saying "yea" instead of "Yeah" when talking. Example:

"Dre, you should really try to be a little more punctual." casting him a salty glare.
"Yea, sorry about that, we got a little side tracked."
"You mean the electronic disturbance right?"
"Yea, how did you know?

In my opinion, it generally makes the character look stupid.

All in all, the fiction does have potential to be a more dramatic work around here than usual. And if you feel my critique isn't correct, there's no need to adhere to it. One of the greatest joys of writing fanfiction is the thrill of writing it. Critique will help you learn and grow as a popular author, but if you're in it for the fun, who cares?

Good luck, and keep going!
~Elvendar

[Dre_o]

Elvendar, thank you for the critisism. I have had to think long and hard about the problems and yet I've still not advanced very far.

Unfortunetly, I've had to make it so that major action only happend by chapter 20 which im trying to fix. The extensive refining will continue until I come up with a full product.

In the mean time, please continue giving me all the ideas you can get, they may hurt now, but it will all help in the end.



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