Never enough

[HAYABUSA-FMW-]

Oh yeah, violence.

Huge history here with that word and me in any association. From me, against me, towards me.

Well I now can remember the last time violence was used against me in a fit of rage, yesterday. But I can't remember the last time I used violence on someone in a fit of rage.

It doesn't feel good to learn you're the punching bag for the two men in your life, and family even, that you're supposed to look up to. The role models. The ones showing me how I'm supposed to end up.

Is it that surprising I did what I did to these material objects when you kept pushing me, constantly, needlessly, endlessly to no end? I can always pick up these things, fix a broken item, replace it. These things aren't priceless. Some of them were even my things.

You can't take back what you did or fix it with money when you use violence. People are irreplacable.

Thanks for not saying sorry or showing any sort of guilt towards your actions. I feel twice as much guilt now. My guilt over my actions and yours.

I'm not like you two and don't wish to be, so why not accept me for what I am since you can't take away my relation to you?

Apparently its not enough to take your verbal insults day in day out. Not enough to say directly to my face that I'm failing school(which I am not, and you'll never know since you never asked). Not enough to put me down time and time again while putting yourself on a pedestal above me.

You have to use your violence to show me and put me in my place too.

When I sparred in karate tournaments under rules and supervision I hurt people. I hurt whoever they out in front of me. Male, female, lower rank, higher rank, whatever. That never felt good. Penalties, near disqualification, a bad reputation, branded as using excessive force, leaving bruises and marks on the opponent.

I gave that up. That wasn't right. I really felt the karma from those years later on. So I don't associate with your using violence to solve any problem.

The last time I attempted what you guys did to me, I tried to knock some sense into my younger bro who was growing drugs at home. I got in trouble for that. So yeah, that shows that I can't be like you two, and even when I try it doesn't work. I'm to blame for trying to use this stupid violence to solve something.

Crying sucks too. Not being able to take your crap without breaking down. Without blaming myself, without having ridiculous hindsight kick in with terrible thoughts of thinking I'm the problem and its better off if I was blah blah blah.

Don't ever look to have me trust you again, help you in any way, loan you money, let you use my material things, say nice things to you, cheer you on, help you when you're down.

You two showed me you don't deserve it from me. You'll put me down over anything and everything, so why even respect you?

[EJ]

Man that suck Haya.

Violence should never be use to release ones anger on anyone.

What makes it worst is that it was 2 people that you look up to that showed you the rage of their anger.

It suck, but hopefully you can over come this and show them that you are better than them.

Violence is never the answer to solve a trivia problem like school grades or anything like that.

I wish luck, Haya.

[Kratos123]

Man i feel sorry for you. I hope you find some way to overcome this. To show them that you're betterthan them. I wish you the best of luck in your search for a solution. The same advice you have iven me may help you, be a Ninja. Seriously though. study the ways of the ninja. Not their violent ways but their mental ways. How they overcome things. Things like meditting. I don't know but I hope it somehow helps you. Just know you have friends here. I am one of them. If you need help just PM me! seriouslyman, I'm here for you!

[Maridia]

.. I really don't know what to say, without knowing all the information.. but.. God, I'm so sorry you had to go through all that, Haya.. You're a wonderful, sweet, quirky man, who I'm personally glad to know every single day.

I want to say "Don't put up with that crap" But at the same time, I know it can be difficult to escape it. You're smart enough to know HOW to get away, I just hope you find the means to do so sooner than later. You shouldn't have to put up with abuse while living at home. It just isn't right, and knowing someone as nice as you is being roughed up for no goddamn reason makes me so angry.. Just take care, and no, those people don't deserve ANYTHING from you. Ever again. >:/

[navci]

Is moving out an option?
Fight back? It seems like you have the capabilities to. Would you get thrown out?
Is it an option to go to authorities and have them put you somewhere else?

Why do parents beat their kids? Why can't they figure out that kids are not their punching bag. :< In any case, I hope you can figure something out. If you do need some help I am sure lots of people will offer it.

[Daikarin]

It's hard to keep your head cool and not let yourself get absorved by the flame of petty talk. Yet, once you can do that sucessfully, even if they offend you with everything they've got, they will feel like beans being thrown at a steel wall - You need to disconnect from your rage and focus on the subject. This is very hard to do, but once you accomplish it, you'll never lose your cool again.

This only applies for the scenario when the thing doesn't get physical. When it does, let's just say you shouldn't fight back, but you are always allowed to defend yourself.

Show them the difference - If things get ugly, show you can keep your cool. Question is, can you do it? Exercise it by clearing your mind of whatever he calls you, of whatever complexes you have of him/her, focus on what is the center of the discussion, be rational and objective - Reason will be on your side, and your opponent will see he's the one acting incorrectly. If he doesn't, at least you'll know you were the one acting correctly.

Cheer up. I know it's tough, but someone's gotta cut the fuel to the fire that feeds the hate between two people. The past is beyond your control. You only need to learn from your mistakes, you can't correct them.

[InfinityXXX]

I'm very sorry Hayabusa. Like you said in my topic, this month is like the month of violence in pso-world.

Everyone knows that violence + violence only equals more hurt and violence and everyone knows violence is never the answer but its so hard to live that way.
I give props to Ghandi and Martin Luther King for actually being able to live that way

I can tell you to not use violence and that its wrong but I contradict myself very much.