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  1. #1
    "Of their own accord" Enforcer MKV's Avatar
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    Default Writing Fragments

    LAST UPDATED 7/5/2016

    I'M BACK, PEOPLE.

    Random bits:
    Spoiler!

    Intro

    Forest Ark:


    Urban Ark:


    Interlude & Flashback:


    Desert Ark:
    Spoiler!
    Last edited by Enforcer MKV; Jul 5, 2016 at 03:49 PM.
    Enforcer MkX [TE/RA]: Critically injured
    Violet MkV [BR/HU]: On active duty



  2. #2

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    Heh, looking good

    Cant wait for the real thing :P

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  3. #3
    Wielder of the Neiclaws Ce'Nedra's Avatar
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    Oi using my char and painting her down as a racsist without my permission? :P Though it would kinda be her response~

    Other then that it looks good, needs more combat though

    Maybe i'll post my attempt to a fanfic someday so people can read it, never finished it though.

    Celestial Manager~
    Quote Originally Posted by isCasted View Post
    Welcome to PSO2, a game which tells you to fuck off on regular basis. Have fun!
    Quote Originally Posted by Rupikachu View Post
    He just copypasted the log, which is mostly SOHO talking, and then for the remaining pages he just went to psow and copied the ep4 thread salt.

  4. #4
    "Of their own accord" Enforcer MKV's Avatar
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    Posting another Scenario I came up with. I'll probably make a full blown story - now introducing; Hivernia: the Pragmatic sharpshooter! This section is incomplete, and I'm actually writing it as we speak! I'll update later.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    “So…tell me about this Caseal I’ll be working with, Commander.” I said, folding my arms despite being in my cumbersome Colossus type armor.

    Commander Daryl was silent a moment, deep in thought. Hesitantly, he said, “She’s….different, pragmatic, even. She’s a decorated scout, she knows her stuff, and she gets the job done. She’s a loner, though, doesn’t like socializing, and I doubt you’ll agree with some of her methods.”

    My interest was piqued at the last bit, “Why, you’re not going to tell me she’s one of those ‘whatever it takes’ kind of people, are you?”

    The Commander simply remained silent; the look on his face told enough.

    “Oh. Grand. This should be interesting.” I said, slight sarcasm in my voice.

    “It should be fine with this mission; I’m simply pointing that out.” The Commander offered.

    Before I could respond, the door slid open and a yellow Caseal walked in. Her face was hidden by a visored helm and mask, but I could faintly make out a pair of red eyes behind said visor. She was yellow and black, with the lights covering her body a pinkish color. The ‘skirt’ she wore was divided into three panels on either leg, and they moved ever so slightly, denoting some form of basic AI coupled with them.

    She saluted, “Hivernia Mk. III, reporting as ordered, sir!”

    “Excellent, we were just talking about you, Hivernia. This is Enforcer MkX, you’ll be working with him in this next operation.”

    She shifted slightly, both when the Commander mentioned we had been talking about her, and when he mentioned we’d be working together. Regardless, I walked over to her, and offered my hand, “Ma’am. It’s my pleasure. I’ve heard good things about you; I look forward to working with you.”

    I could see her eyes staring at my hand behind her visor. Seemed she really wasn’t very sociable. I flexed my hand and turned around, “Alright, Commander, shall we go over the briefing one last time?”

    “With all due respect, sir,” Hivernia broke in, “I already know my objectives, so -” The Commander gave her a look. “…Yes, sir. Very good, sir.”

    “Alright, then,” Daryl began, nodding towards a holographic map of the area that had just appeared, “The area you’ll be entering is a heavily corrupted region of the Naberius Forest. Your primary objective is to recon the area, and, if possible, eliminate the enemy presence. Now, we’ve already lost two teams in the area, so if possible, find them, and help them extract. That’s your secondary objective. There’s a large open area here,” he motioned to a large clearing on the map, “Reports from intelligence suggest the enemy is centered here. We don’t know what is going on, though, since any gunships we send in haven’t returned. You’re going in more or less dark, Arks, so be careful. That is all. Dismissed!”

    “YES, SIR!” Hivernia and I cheered in unison as we saluted the Commander simultaneously. We glanced at each other a moment before Hivernia looked away with a “Hmmph!” She spun on her heel and quickly left without another word.

    “Hell of a partner you paired me with, Commander.”

    “You should be fine. Heck, she’s cute under that helmet.” Daryl joked with a chuckle.

    “How is that even relevant?”

    “I saw you looking, don’t lie.”

    “I was looking at her face, thank you very much.”

    “mmhm, just remember she doesn’t like you yet.”

    “Good grief, you and Cornelia both. The only one who doesn’t try to tease me is Farrid. Anyway, I should get going.”

    I turned and began to leave. “Enforcer!”

    I stopped, “What is it, Commander?”

    He was silent a moment, “…Both Cornelia Allen and Farrid Invaal were on one of the other teams. The last distress call we got had Invaal’s ID connected to it.”

    I heard the pop of an audio playback beginning, and Farrid’s excited voice came through, “Area is cra--ing with D-----s! Do NOT se-- ba--up! Repeat, do n- CORNELIA, BEHIND YOU! RIGHT FLANK, RIGHT FL-” The recording fell silent.

    “It ends there.” The Commander said grimly.

    I was quiet a moment, before mumbling “Understood,” as I walked out. I walked down the hallway, and stopped, resisting the urge to punch the wall. “They’ll be fine,” I thought to myself,

    I’ll make sure of it.
    Last edited by Enforcer MKV; Aug 27, 2012 at 11:28 AM.
    Enforcer MkX [TE/RA]: Critically injured
    Violet MkV [BR/HU]: On active duty



  5. #5
    Trueblade 剣聖 Wayu's Avatar
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    HAREMU TAIMU.

    Surprised you didn't include half the team in this. Screw CAST supremacy, CAST HAREM.

    -Wayu




  6. #6

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    I can forgive the overly-simplistic approach to the writing since you said you were just getting back into the swing of it.

    Good, light reads, though. Fun to go through.

  7. #7
    Trueblade 剣聖 Wayu's Avatar
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    Now for actual criticism besides pointing out the harem. :P

    Your sentences are too simple, which is what I think Olaf was referring you. You use the same sentence structure over and over and over. To keep the reader from being bored, you need to spice things up.

    The structure being repeated is:
    "Oh noes big bugs" Farrid said. "More big bugs" Cornelia said. "BIKINIS EVERYWHERE OMG MY NOSE IS BLEEDING LOL I HAVE GOD ABS" Exodus said.

    Asides from that everything seems okay at a glance. I could get more technical but you'd likely cast that asides as trolling. x3

    -Wayu




  8. #8
    "Of their own accord" Enforcer MKV's Avatar
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    Forest Ark: Part I

    Spoiler!

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    A short time later Hivernia and I stood in the teleport room of the Campship, prepping. I stood at the item Kiosk, doing a final check, Hivernia responding to my queries.

    “Mate supply, check?”

    “Check.”

    “Telepipe supply, check?”

    “Check.”

    “Atomizer supply, check?”

    “Check.”

    “Weapons, check?”

    She looked over her Strauss rifle, “Check.”

    “Armor integrity, check?”

    I turned and looked over the back of Hivernia’s armor before giving her the thumbs up.
    She nodded. “Check.”

    Nodding in kind, I tapped the console, “Okay, that’s that. I already did my prep, so we’re good to go.”

    Hivernia walked past me, her Strauss on her back. “Just don’t get in my way, that bulky armor looks cumbersome.” With that, she walked to the platform, and hopped into the pool which transported us to the planet’s surface.

    “We’re not going to get very far if you’re not willing to work together, if it’s bad enough we’ve lost gunships and two teams, ma’am.” The confines of the campship answered with silence. Shaking my head, I walked over to the teleport, Alva Laser on my hip, and jumped in.

    Next moment, I found myself in the forests of Naberius, amidst all manner of trees and twisting foliage. Looking around, it appeared the plants seemed to share a strange purple tint.

    “Enforcer! What are you doing?” Turning around, I was presented with Hivernia’s frame. She shook her head, “Darker infection; it’s already spread this far. This is serious.”

    I looked back at the tree, “Darker infection, huh? I’ve never seen anything like this before. If things are really this serious, then we’ll need to find those survivors quickly.”

    Hivernia shook her head again, “That isn’t our directive. We’re supposed to recon the area and see if we can’t eliminate the threat. Given the amount of corruption, I doubt we’ll be able to perform even that much, let alone complete all of our objectives.”

    “Finding survivors isn’t our primary objective,” I corrected, “But it’s an objective none the less. Besides, it’s possible, if there are survivors, that they have information we can use. So in a sense, it’s possible completing our secondary objective helps further the primary objective.”

    Hivernia was quiet for a moment, “Your words hold some truth,” she slowly admitted, “still, we aren’t even sure if there are survivors, so -”

    “So that’s why we look for them.” I said with a shrug as I walked past her, finishing her sentence, “Anyone we manage to save has that much more experience fighting Darkers, or increases our chances of learning something we didn’t know prior. Now, we’ve wasted enough time, let us continue.”

    “Are you sure you’re not just worried about Cornelia Allen and Farrid Invaal?”

    I froze. “I - ”

    Then there was screeching. Instantly I raised my rifle, sweeping the area.. Multiple Dagan seemed to just appear around us, seemingly from nowhere. “We just got here and they’re already on to us? No wonder we lost contact with the other teams! Hivernia, get ready!

    “A-Acknowledged.” Her voice didn’t seem as confident as it had a moment ago.

    Suddenly the dagan closest to me lunged, forcing me to sidestep. Pinning the creature to the ground with my foot, I pointed my rifle at the offender and fired a shotgun burst into its body, causing the dagan to cry out in pain before slumping to the ground, dissipating into darkness a few moments later.

    “En-Enforcer, I require your assistance; Dagan in close proximity.” As I looked up, Hivernia fired a shotgun burst into the dagan closest to her, and then ran in the direction of the teleport. “Keep their attention; preferably away from me.”

    “Understo- wait, what? Aw, crap.” I dove out of the way of another attempted dagan attack, ending up on my feet again. “Whatever you’re going to do, do it fast! I don’t feel like playing keep away!”

    Suddenly, a supercharged bolt penetrated the two closest dagan, causing the creatures to shudder and dissipate into black wisps before even falling to the ground. “Acknowledged, Enforcer. Purging enemy presence with extreme prejudice.” The three remaining dagan were quickly and cleanly eliminated by Hivernia before I had time to react.

    “Well, that was prompt.” I muttered quietly, stowing my rifle on my back once more. “Now -”

    “We must continue at once, Enforcer. Time is short.” Hivernia walked past me at a brisk pace, rifle in hand.

    She was already ahead of me by a fair distance, so I had no choice to follow, lest I be left behind. As we proceeded deeper, the trees seem to twist and bend to slowly block out the light. In fact, the trees contorted themselves in such a manner that they actually began to form corridors of some sort.

    Suddenly, Hivernia stuck her right arm out, her hand balled into a fist. “Hold. Auditory sensors detecting…some form of anomaly. Possibly combat.”

    I listened myself. It almost sounded like some large, almost cumbersome object was being whipped through the air by a wire.

    “Wait…I…I know this sound! Hivernia, move out!” I took off at a run, until a pair of medium sized tree trunks, shoved next to one another like some form of hatch or door, blocked my path. Judging that my rifle wouldn’t do much to clear the trunks, I wedged my hands in between them and attempted to pry the trees apart. The gears in my arms began to whine and fuss as they strained against the solid bodies of the trees, their blackened form standing tall against me. Slowly, the trees began to crack and give way. Finally, after a final effort, I wrenched the trees apart…only to be met by a dagan literally fly into me, knocking me over.
    Through the door I heard a familiar female voice yell “Go away, you nasty things!”

    Heaving a simulated cough as the dagan dissipated, I stood up and nodded my head. “Yup, that’s Cornelia, alright.”
    Last edited by Enforcer MKV; Aug 10, 2013 at 04:10 PM.
    Enforcer MkX [TE/RA]: Critically injured
    Violet MkV [BR/HU]: On active duty



  9. #9
    Trueblade 剣聖 Wayu's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enforcer MKV View Post
    The next section, continuing off the last. I did my best to take what little honest criticism I got, and wanted to see what others (mainly Olaf) thought.
    Here's some more. I'll be more picky this time around.

    Well, first of all the sentence structure repetitiveness issue remains. Not much else to say about that though.

    A short time later Hivernia and I stood in the teleport room of the Campship, prepping. I stood at the item Kiosk, doing a final check, Hivernia responding to my queries.
    Using the same noun + verb twice in a row is repetitive and not very smooth. Try saying it out loud; it doesn't sound very smooth. For the second sentence, either change the verb or better yet change the sentence entirely to something like:

    "Hivernia and I performed a final check-up at the item Kiosk, with Hivernia responding to my queries."

    Also, not sure if "queries" is the best word to use there. Sounds kinda funky to me...

    She looked over her Strauss rifle, “Check.”
    Doesn't she use the Ridoblah?

    I turned and looked over the back of Hivernia’s armor before giving her the thumbs up.
    I'm having trouble visualizing this. Who was inspecting who, and how?

    Nodding in kind, I tapped the console, “Okay, that’s that. I already did my prep, so we’re good to go.”
    Where did the console come from? You might want to specify, as this tidbit seems to be a separate 'chapter' from the rest.

    Shaking my head, I walked over to the teleport, Alva Laser on my hip, and jumped in.
    I know you like Alva better than Alba but it's Alba. アルバ、not アルヴァ.

    Next moment, I found myself in the forests of Naberius, amidst all manner of trees and twisting foliage.
    Grammar errors here. Should be "THE next moment" and "amidst all mannerS of trees".

    Hivernia shook her head again, “That isn’t our directive. We’re supposed to recon the area and see if we can’t eliminate the threat. Given the amount of corruption, I doubt we’ll be able to perform even that much, let alone complete all of our objectives.”
    I think you mean "can".

    “Finding survivors isn’t our primary objective,” I corrected, “But it’s an objective none the less. Besides, it’s possible, if there are survivors, that they have information we can use. So in a sense, it’s possible completing our secondary objective helps further the primary objective.”
    Nonetheless is one word, but it works separately. The comma between survivors and that seems kinda awk. Also, I think there should be a 'that' between possible and completing.

    That's it for this time's criticism. If you want more it might be wise not talking behind my back.

    -Wayu




  10. #10
    Wielder of the Neiclaws Ce'Nedra's Avatar
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    Wayu, do you really need to strip down his entire post and critism everything? It's just for fun, let it go.

    Celestial Manager~
    Quote Originally Posted by isCasted View Post
    Welcome to PSO2, a game which tells you to fuck off on regular basis. Have fun!
    Quote Originally Posted by Rupikachu View Post
    He just copypasted the log, which is mostly SOHO talking, and then for the remaining pages he just went to psow and copied the ep4 thread salt.

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