Darkers and Dragons. [update 25-7-14]

[stukasa]

Somehow I never noticed this thread until recently, so I waited until I had a chance to read it and finally got caught up on your story. Even though the grammar isn't always perfect, I think you did a good job with it. I never had any trouble understanding what you were trying to say.

Your two biggest strengths (in my opinion) are your ability to write "military jargon" like descriptions of weapons and combat maneuvers, and being able to give personality to your characters. It was fun to read the interactions between MultiCore and the other people in the story.

I have a couple questions for you! First, do you have a full-body picture of MultiCore? You spent a lot of time describing him, but the character portrait in the first post only shows his head, so I was wondering if I could see what the rest of him actually looks like. And second, are the other characters (Karyuu, Alt, and Zein) your friends in-game? I know they can't be from the character creator since they're all wearing non-standard clothing and/or accessories. Also, if you have a picture of Moriah, I'd like to see her too.

I understand if you're busy and don't have time to update often, but I'm definitely interested to read it whenever you post again!

[o0Kais0o]

This is getting pretty intense, really enjoying it

[Sacrificial]

Intro Chapter 2

Spoiler!

Chapter 2

A.D. 2XX
Oracle Fleet
7:10

************************************************** ************************************************** ************************************************** *********************************************

It has been a week since the Amduscia incident. I've been fully repaired and I find myself walking in this ship's shopping area.

It was still early in the morning and the environment was still a dark simulated setting and the streetlights still shined bright.

I looked towards a display window and saw my reflection. I could see it clearly. I could even see better than before.

My broken, outdated optics and sensors had been replaced by much more advanced electronics. It had cost me allot of mesetas, but the old ones were beyond repair and weren't manufactured anymore.

My head part also had a different casing, it was based on a Zero Kaiser model. I don't understand why I was given this head model. It would have seemed more appropriate for a CQC-type Cast.

I have no use for this bladed antenna on the middle of my head, seeing as I'm mainly for medium-long range purposes.

But.....it all was my own fault.

I shouldn't have ignored my squad leader's orders, but at that time...... it felt like it was the best option. In the end I endangered not only myself but also a teammate or a 'friend' how organics would refer to, my friend.

"Sac, you are not looking back in your memory files again are you? You know you can't do anything about the past."

I looked towards my left. It was a small, white haired newearl. The squad leader I mentioned.

She recovered me from the lab after my repairs. She didn't have to, but she insisted to get me even though we were supposed to meet on the location we are heading to now.

Did she want to remind me of my irresponsible actions? Did she just want to have a little chat before we went to the rest of our group?

I don't understand. No, I probably don't even want to understand.

We walked further in the shopping area, it was slowly filling up with other people, both ARKs and civilian, as it clearly became brighter. The environment setting was slowly changing to a daylight setting.

The streetlight stopped shining as their sensors registered the increased number of light photons.

Most people gathered around the stores that sold food or stores that sold ingredients to make food. I also saw some people on a lower level around the armory department. Probably looking for better weapons and gear.

We went up a staircase to the next level floor,after this Zein turned towards the left and walked towards a catwalk. I stopped at the end of the stairs and looked in her direction, then I looked forward.

"Over here MultiCore." I heard.

"Zein, according to my map this way here is faster and more efficient."

"I know, I know let us have a chat first, 'kay?"

I nodded and also walked towards the catwalk. My road map on my radar immediately adjusted to an alternate route.

So she did want to have a chat after all.....

************************************************** ************************************************** ************************************************** *********************************************

Zein stopped a bit further ahead, there was a small terrace. She lend against the fence that was mainly made of glass.

She didn't reach far above it though, just barely enough to cross her arms above it.

She looked at our city, the residential area for both civilians and the ARKs.
The scenery was beautiful, buildings rose high and tall in the sky and a simulated sun was just above the horizon.

Zein started. "You seemed pretty down, you know, about what happened.
Karyuu finished repairs two days ago. You seem to think you are the cause of it."

"I know.....,,But I still made the decision to go"

"But you know you took most of the damage right? You shielded her vital parts and prevented further damage she already had from that blast. You both are still alive, thats what counts"

Alive.....

"Besides, if you really want to worry about something....You are waaaay to heavy.

You have no idea how many people were needed to move you and we really were in a hurry back there."

"But I can not do anything about my weight."

The newearl laughed, turned around and said smiling." A joke, a joke. Geesh you don't have to take everything so serious."

After that Zein began to walk away.

"I believe we have let them wait long enough, let's move on."

I nodded and followed her.

So I'm trying to slowly pick up writing again so it isn't much, but I present you (insert drum noise) The intro for the second chapter~

@stukasa. If you happen to spot the same grammar faults repeatedly, please point them out, I'm always ready to improve my English, that's why I write to train it and set let my fantasy loose (~'w')~

And to answer your questions:
1. Sure I can place a full-body picture.
2. Yeap, they got me to play this game. I'm not limited to the basic character creator though, I can create almost all race/gender except for the newman race with any costume I want. (As long as I've the money to buy it >.>)

[Zorafim]

I have some criticism to offer as well.

When you start a chapter, you should paint the scene for the reader. Don't just dump them in the middle of an event and assume they know what's going on. Slowly ease them into it, make sure they know where they are, then introduce them to the action. Even if you painted the scene in a previous chapter, assume they've completely forgotten what has happened between then and now.

And another thing is, you should find some way to organize your chapters to make them easy for the reader to find. I'm a chapter or two behind on reading your story, and I can't find where I left off. A title, or a short summery, or something of the like. Basically ask yourself "If I haven't read my story in months, what could I look for to reintroduce myself to it?"

It looks like you're enjoying writing, and always glad to have artists on this forum. Would you like me to critique you as I catch up? I may not be able to find anything useful, but I'm sure you'd like to improve your writing style.

[Sacrificial]

And another thing is, you should find some way to organize your chapters to make them easy for the reader to find.

I assume you mean what ive named "parts" I have been thinking of that, then again i had it in mind as one continious story so have no idea how to give these "sub-titles" The dragons assault or the last stand stuff like that feels kinda weird.

[stukasa]

Thanks for posting more screenshots, that gives me a better idea of the characters. I'm guessing Bron is Moriah's Support Partner in the game? Just a hunch.

I like how MultiCore's radar provides the quickest route available, he's like a walking GPS/Google Maps. xD

His friends are pretty brutal with the constant weight jokes, which I find funny because he can't exactly do anything about it!

Spoiler!

Since you asked, here's a list of some things I found:

levelfloor = you can just call it "level" or "floor," you don't need to say both
memoryfiles = memory files
eventhough = even though
irresponcible = irresponsible
terrasse = terrace
lend = leaned
residental = residential
scenary = scenery
beautifull = beautiful
roze = rose

Oh, also "in de end" = "in the end"

I always do a spell check before I post a chapter, it might be helpful for you too. Basically if you paste your chapter into the Reply box on PSOW, any misspelled words will be underlined in red (though I've found at least a couple words that PSOW thinks aren't words for some reason...). Of course, that won't help with grammar mistakes, only spelling, but it's better than nothing. I didn't see any glaring grammar mistakes in this chapter anyway. I mean, I wasn't looking too closely but nothing jumped out at me.

[Sacrificial]

I've had a new set of chapters ready for a while, but for the same amount of time I have been unsatisfied with what I wrote to "link"the 2nd arc's OP to the actual story. I have tried various ways of writing to satisfy myself, but none worked out imo. I am still not content with this link, but I have to fill in something in this gap or else I can't move on.

Chapter 2, Part 2 A new beginning

Spoiler!

MultiCore and Zein had a little talk about the previous events.
Now they are on their way to the rest of the group, who are waiting on their usual spot near a certain ARKs café.

The two arrived. Altlene had already seen them coming and was waving enthusiastically. Beside her sat Karyuuzaki. She was also repaired, the huge gaping hole in her chest plating was gone.
She also had a new set of arms, she now had the Fauma-type. Still classified as heavy armor, but they covered a less wide area.

The group talked a lot, but the conversations between two certain Cast were still awkward.


"Soooo. Do you all have something up tomorrow?" Zein asked. "Because I kinda have another appointment now, sorry"

Altlene shook her head.

"Yes, I have another check-up" Karyuuzaki replied.

"oh, I see. How about you Multi?"

"Yea, HQ called me for something."

"aw too bad. Ah well I got to go now. Alt~ come."

The Caseal ignored her. Zein, then held out a cookie in the air, the Caseal immediately jumped up and ran after Zein.
Now only MultiCore and Karyuuzaki remained. The awkward silence hang in the air again until Karyuuzaki broke it after a while.

"Multi....T-thanks for saving me back there..."

If MultiCore could smile, he would have. Now he simply nodded in return.

************************************************** ************************************************** ************************************************** *********************************************

A.D. 2XX
Oracle Fleet


The following day MultiCore went to the headquarters of the ships Second Division, where he was part of. It was a fairly big building located near an elevator, which led to the docking area where camp ships lay.

MultiCore was almost in front of the building and it seemed to get taller and taller with each step he took. It was not the first time he had been here, he had been in service for the Second Division for the past ten years after all.
MultiCore kept walking and soon he found himself in front of the door. The doors were almost entirely made out of glass, thick and multiple layered to still make it strong.

The doors' sensors now registered MultiCore and they opened sideways. The hallway was classy even, if it was a military building.
In the middle lay a carpet which stopped at a helpdesk. Behind the help desk sat three women, each with a desk size console and a headset device.

The carpet was just thick enough to nullify the sound coming from MultiCore's heavy footsteps. He walked straight to the middle one.

"Hello, how can I help you?"

"I have an appointment with Major Foley at 11 o' clock."

" Okay, please wait a moment." The woman started pressing some buttons on the console.

"Hmm, Mr. MultiCore, Second Artillery Corps.. is that correct?"

MultiCore nodded.

" Correct."

"The Major is waiting for you in Section B, second floor, in room 023. Section B is that way." The female pointed to a hallway on her left.

************************************************** ************************************************** ************************************************** *********************************************

At the end of the hallway was an elevator. When MultiCore arrived there, he saw more people waiting for it.
A couple of humans and a Caseal. The humans were chatting with each other, while the Caseal was just staring in front of her.

The elevator arrived and the doors opened. The waiting group went inside. A male human asked, to which floor MultiCore needed to go.

"I need to go to the second floor"

"How about you?" The man spoke to the Caseal.

"Ah, I also need to go to the second floor"

"Okay then, we have waited long enough here on these slow things"

Said the human while he pressed buttons on the elevator's console.

A sudden loud noise filled the elevator.

"Warning, Warning. Weight limit exceeded by 386 kg. Weight limit exceeded."

Once the alarm subsided the group discussed what to do now.

"The problem is obviously caused by those two Cast." Said one of the humans in the back.

"I am afraid one of you has to leave."

The Caseal turned to MultiCore.

"I only weight...." She halted her words and looked slightly down. " I-I only weight 323 kg....."

MultiCore grumbled a bit. "514...... i guess you win. Anyone that could do basic math knew there was only one option."

"I-I'm sorry." she said, as MultiCore walked out the elevator.

As soon as he stepped outside, the doors closed and the elevator departed.

"Guess I will have to take the stairs.....why isn't there a second elevator in this section?"

************************************************** ************************************************** ************************************************** *********************************************

MultiCore was already late when he reached the second floor, so he went straight to room 023 with an increased speed.
He opened the door when he arrived. he saw a man sitting behind a desk, slightly sighting while he pressed buttons on his Personal Console.

"Sorry I'm late sir. I had to take the stairs."

The man looked up. "Ah MultiCore, I was afraid you forgot about our meeting."

"Cast do not forget appointments sir."

"I know, I know. Please take a seat."

The Major gestured towards a chair. MultiCore made a laughing sound from his speakers has he said.

"I rather do not break it, sir."

The Major put his hands together.

"Right... it is my habit to ask. Well let us get to business."

He stood up from his chair.

"MultiCore, last week you were heavily damaged in that dragon assault, costing you your head parts.
Normally that would've been lethal if it wasn't so that your cores are located in your chest instead up there. Now here is the catch.
I have been told yesterday that your hardware is so outdated, that your new head isn't completely compatible for all functions it should have."

"But I do not detect anything faulty , sir."

"Apparently these are functions you have never had before so you won't miss them unless you check deeper in your own program files. Am I correct?"

There was a brief silence.

" Yes.... I am indeed unable to open certain files." MultiCore replied.

The Major continued.

"The researchers are currently developing software to make it compatible for you. But it is unknown how long they will take."

He paused."

"This means you are currently marked as broken and unfit for the front lines. MultiCore, I'm pulling you out for now."

"But sir. I was made to fight and give support on the front lines."

"I don't send wounded soldiers into battle, why wouldn't this be the same for Casts, you are a soldier too after all"

"No sir, but this is differ..."

"You are NOT going back do I make myself clear? I do not want to be known as some cruel officer sending people to a certain death."

"Sir yes sir!"

" Good." The Major sat back in his chair and put his hand together on the desk.

"However I can't send you into society either, you are not exactly a civilian looking Cast. Nor would you be able to get a occupation in society as you are now."

MultiCore nodded.

"MultiCore, one option is for you to be frozen in service, however you have been in service for around ten years now.
I do not like to "freeze"someone who has that much experience. That's where option two comes in.

So I'm sending you to the Military ARKS academy. You will be the supervisor for some graduation students that will get their live exam, however for this to be possible you will need a higher rang. So consider this as a small promotion."

The man paused again.

"MultiCore starting today you will be a sergeant. Your wages will be adjusted according to your new rang."

"Sir?" "yes?"

"Do I really have to babysit some teenagers?"

"Not if you prefer having option one."

"Ehr.....When do I start supervising the exams?"

" Thanks for asking." Foley smiled,having known the fish caught the bait.
"You will start tomorrow, but you can meet your appointed students today at 15:00 when they will get their briefing. Have a little meet 'n greet.
I'm not entirely sure when your briefing starts, you will be contacted later."

"was that all major?" "That's all. You are dismissed."

MultiCore saluted and made his way to the exit.

"Oh and MultiCore. Why didn't you take the maintenance elevator?"

[stukasa]

Spoiler!

lol, you're always poking fun at MultiCore's weight! xD

I still don't know why a CAST likes cookies, though.

It was definitely an unexpected twist to take your main character off of active duty, but I think it can be an interesting one if done right. I have another comment but I can't mention it right now, maybe sometime much later~

[Sacrificial]

Chapter 2, part 3 Faulty logic?

Spoiler!

2XX AD
1000 hours
Oracle fleet
Second Division HQ

MultiCore left the room and he checked his internal clock.

"hmm, still 5 hours until the briefing starts. I guess I have enough time to gear up at the armory.

Multicore walked back the way he came, but instead going left to the staircase, he went right, to Block D.
He passed various offices. He saw people working hard behind a desk and people around a coffee machine. They were obviously trying to not work at all.

Multicore was nearing the maintenance elevator. Of course he would not pass on such a time saving advice given to him earlier.

************************************************** ************************************************** ******************************

Once outside MultiCore started heading to the armory. The armory was not far from the HQ, at most one click.
From the outside it looked like a dome, but with a flattened roof. The dome it self was just the "civilian" building, anything related to weapons and equipment, that went in and out , was recorded here. Licenses' procedures also went through here.

The real deal lies underneath, weapons, explosives, APC's and ammunition were stored and maintained here. If necessary the whole Second Division can be supplied here with a firearm.

The SD consists mainly of rangers and gunners. Because of this, there is no need for a large variety of weapon types needed, resulting in a lower army upkeep compared to the so called " composite" sections.
However given the fact that most ARKs use their own custom weapons once they finish basic training. The Standard Issue type depots are mostly at maximum capacity.

The explosives and ammunition depots are placed and build as separate cylindrical rooms each with a large bulkhead as door. If something goes wrong due to poorly handling the entire room will be sealed and systems will turn the room into a vacuum room.
It the cause that these steps are not enough to ensure the safety of the ship,these chambers can be purged.

************************************************** ************************************************** ******************************

Oracle fleet
2xx AD
1100 hours
SD Armory

MultiCore walked around, searching for a certain person that could help him. He was now underground, inside the armory. There was one problem however.

Inside the place seemed deserted. Normally the hallways were crowded with ARKs, either busy with work or heading to their designated storage block.

MultiCore continued his search and checked every room for people. With out results.

After searching for at least half an hour, he finally found someone, a lone soul was sitting on a bench, looking over some paperwork. MultiCore was already next to him by the time the man noticed the white Cast.

The man had to look upwards and MultiCore could see he felt uncomfortable,to be suddenly approached.

"uhm..hi?"'

" Where is everyone? No, rather where can I find the ATO?"

" uhm, well I guess everyone is in the firing range, you see there is this ne..... eh?"

MultiCore had already left upon hearing the location, not letting the man finish talking. After blinking a few times to 'process' this short encounter, the man continued with his work.

The firing range was close. MultiCore reached the sector within a ten minute walk, this would have been faster if he had used his internal leg thrusters.

Upon opening the vault door to the firing range, a loud cheerful noise filled the hallway MultiCore was in. As he entered, he saw a large group of people standing around a single cell.

He did not see the ATO here either. So he decided to observe the group for the time being. The chance was high the person he was looking for was in that same group after all.

MultiCore couldn't see who was shooting but apparently he or she was very good at it.
The group cheered at every shot fired. There was also an occasion there was a miss. At least that is what MultiCore concluded if there was an " aaaaaaah, better luck next time!" instead of a cheer or the usual laughter and party.

It was during one of these 'down' times that MultiCore spotted the ammunition technical officer he was looking for. He was located in the back southwest in the cheering crowd, only two or three rows of people between him and the end of the 'line'.

Not that MultiCore would have had any trouble getting through ten or more rows, but these two or three already resulted in enough angry faces and the occasional cursing.

MultiCore tabbed the ATO on his shoulder and gestured to him when he had his attention to leave to crowd. When the two of them were in a much quieter place the ATO began to speak.

"So?. What did you need me for? I was just starting to get fun there?"

"Work sir, I need access to my weapon storage."

The ATO sighed.

"Well that's a valid reason,sadly. Let's not beat around the bush then I don't want to muss to much. Name?"

"MultiCore, sir"

The ATO started browsing his personal visaphone device.

"Hmm hall C, High Explosive Weaponry, locker 0873523. Do you know where that is?"

MultiCore shook his head. The ATO sighed.

"Follow me."

Multicore nodded and followed the man.

While they were on the move the ATO asked MultiCore why he needed such heavy equipment.

"So are you going to a front line? There only is a custom pisastian registered in your locker."

"Well, I lost my previous launcher in battle so all I have now is pistol and a pistol alone won't be enough to ensure the safety of some students. That being said that pisastian is the only main weapon I posses.

To answer your second question, no I won't go to a front line."

"Wait.... wait... WHAT?! Are you telling me you want to use that pisastian to protect students?!"

The ATO had stopped walking, leaving a small distance between him and MultiCore.

"That is correct. As of today I have been assigned to observe and guard graduate students in their exam."

"You bloody stupid Cast. Are you nuts? You actually thought using a weapon with a blast radius was a good idea?
Students are almost the same as kids. You'd never get a danger close approval for that kind of mission."

"But as I said I do not posses any other weapon.I do not ave much of a choice."

The ATO face palmed.

"Look the launcher is absolutely not a good idea, so I refuse to grant you access to your locker. When do you need a main weapon?"

MultiCore checked his internal clocking.

"127 from now on"

The man frowned upon hearing the time remaining.

"Ok. here is the deal. I'll get you one of the IS type rifle under special emergency regulations. This means you will have to fill in some paperwork. And with 'some' I mean 'a lot' since it is not actually a real emergency.
Anyway, you can deal with that later. Again, follow me."

MultiCore did not have much of a choice but to follow. He had to admit, a rifle would be much better for his situation. But the amount of paperwork for an IS type was exactly why he wanted to use his own weapon.

I guess all wages I earn from this will go to a new rifle now. Sigh, I have no idea how expensive they are.

Spoiler!

I wanted to try out this kind of place/time format of writing style I saw in a military light novel. I still need some practice(ofcourse) but I really liked that novel to the point I wanted to write like that.
Also the story will finally reach the 'true' point of chapter 2 after this .

[strikerhunter]

Spoiler!

"So are you going to a front line? There only is a custom pisastian registered in your locker."

Small grammar error, should be like this (move only and is around)

"So are you going to a front line? There is only a custom pisastian registered in your locker."

I found the ending quiet funny.