Thanks guys! one gotta keep working on stuff.
With this said, I finally resumed working on my short comics:
Spoiler!
Spoiler!
Spoiler!
I love that armor in the middle pic.
And, you know how I am about forlorn women.
No, the book is ruined!
And yeah, your art is perfectly my style. I still can't believe how well that sketch of Zorael turned out.
No worries the story (even though it's just a short one) is almost complete, just 2 or 3 pages left.
And I totally forgot about the face sketch for your game dialogue, was kinda busy last week. I'll try something the coming days if you haven't started working on it yet.
Today's work on those pages:
Spoiler!
Spoiler!
3 new pages added to the one shot Pyrophoric Watchers. The story is almost complete.
You can read the available pages here:
http://www.webtoons.com/…/pyrophoric...hidden/viewer…
Or here:
https://tapas.io/episode/326620
Spoiler!
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The first link didn't work for me. The second worked great.
This work almost seems professional. A lot of detail is put into each frame.
I didn't get much time in the world, but you already got me interested in what's going on.
There are a couple of grammatical errors in there. Do you want me to point them out?
I think I saw the opening page a long while ago. How long have you been working on this?
Thanks a lot.
Yes please I'll appreciate any language help since I'm not a native speaker.
I've started this a long time ago, but didn't work on it regularly. Sometimes I made months long pauses.
PS: please don't get too much hyped for my stories, because they usually are like trailers, simply because they are small fractions of long ones, that I refuse to start, fearing I'll never finish them.
Page 03, "Even the informer who told us THS is taking part"
I assume it's "...who told us about THS..."? I'm not quite sure what this is supposed to be saying.
Page 06, "In the near distance, I could see huge and garder gates"
I'm not sure garder is a word?
"The soldiers orderes us to walk lines in order to reach the gates"
Should be "The soldiers order us..." or "The soldiers ordered us..."
and then either "to walk in lines" or "to walk in a line", though the original could probably work.
Page 07
"Don't let yourself exposed! Heard the rain is toxic here"
I think the first sentence needs to be reworded. While "Don't let yourself be exposed" would solve immediate problems, I think you want something closer to "Keep yourself covered (or protected)". Then, "I heard the rain is toxic here".
"Doors won't be open for a while"
I think just adding "The doors" instead of "Doors" will be all.
Page 13
"Commander! This two scums are making trouble. We need to put them down."
"This two scums" isn't correct. This is harder to correct due to the slang nature of using "scum", but I think "These two pieces of filth" should be a good substitution.
Page 14
"With all the respect sir! May I ask? Because I failed to understand your action..."
While I don't think there's anything grammatically wrong with this, the phrases used are generally never seen outside of the exact wording of "With all due respect sir!" and "I fail to understand"
And I think the sentence would flow better if you replaced the exclamation mark with a comma. Not necessary in case you want to emphasize the way the speaker is speaking.
Again, "these two pieces of filth" instead of "these two scums". Though if this is supposed to be a higher ranking character, he may be more refined and say something more dignified. "those two lowborns", or even "those two refugees" depending on the personality of the character.
I think you're supposed to be saying "spare" instead of "spear" here.
15
"How come" instead of "How comes", but even that is awkward. I would replace it with "Why?".
There are some others that are a bit awkward, but not major enough to worry about. That is, a reader will get the sense that the writer isn't a native speaker, but it doesn't take away from the enjoyment of the comic. I didn't go through those because it's more effort for less of a fix, but I could if you want to go over it. I won't be able to come up with as easy of a solution with them as I did these others though.
If you think my rephrasing doesn't quite capture the essence that you're going for, we can try to come up with another solution for it.
Last edited by Zorafim; Mar 17, 2018 at 07:17 PM.
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