Celestial Saga: Yoshiblue

[stukasa]

Spoiler!

could be seen working
This is something you tend to do - and I think stukasa too - that I personally don't like. I can't quite put my finger on why, but I think it's because it feels like you're forcing us to look at what is phrased as a subtle thing.
I would prefer simply "was working with"
I feel like that's just an opinion though. I just kinda cringe when I see that phrasing.

What, specifically, don't you like about it? That type of phrase in general, or that specific phrasing? Are you saying the phrase "could be seen" sounds clunkier than simply saying "was"? I'm not sure how often I do it, since it's not something I really think about when I write. But, I think it's more of a situational thing, what tone and voice I'm using (as the narrator) as to which one makes more sense. Which one sounds better is more a matter of interpretation.

[Zorafim]

Spoiler!

I think I only noticed you do it once or twice. And only once in a way that I disliked, but I can't remember where it was.

And yeah, it just sounds kinda clunky. I think the reason why I don't like it is, who can see it? What eyes am I looking through? Isn't everything being described things that could be seen?

I think a way it could work is if you specify who can see it. Like if you're telling a story through the eyes of the occasional hiker through a nature trail, then deer could be seen through the trees on occasion. Or the flicker of a ghost could be seen through the mirror if one looked long enough.
But if it's unspecified, then why use that wording? If you're just describing what's there, then say what's there.

But yeah, I'm just one guy. That's just something that bugs me.

[stukasa]

@Zorafim: That makes sense. I think we as writers sometimes have a hard time spotting the flaws in our own works. It takes someone else to point out something obvious like that. While I do review my chapters for grammatical and spelling errors, something like an unnecessary phrasing might slip past me. I sometimes debate with myself whether to point out such mistakes in other peoples' works. If I like the story I can usually forgive a typo here and there, you know? But at the same time, maybe it's good to mention those things so the author is more aware of them. Self-improvement and all that. It's a balancing act between coming off as too critical and just trying to help. But I think the way you did it is good, because you explain your reasoning for why you didn't like it and how it could be improved.

[Zorafim]

It's super easy to skim past something that just makes sense to you, but is actually nonsense. That's true for any creative act. Like in Mario Maker, it's obvious to you what you're supposed to do because you made it. But someone else coming in might have no idea what they're supposed to do to get to the end.

I tend to be super critical of every single word I write. In fact, my creative flow ha! is to read what I've already written, and then add stuff to the end of that that would make sense when I feel like I've lost the flow. I do that in composition too.
That critical thinking makes it super hard to get anything down. But so far, it seems like anything that is down is solid. It might be better to just let it flow out and come back later to trim it down and expand on anything needed. But unfortunately, I don't work like that.

It is tough to know if you should point out flaws, but I think it's important for authors to know when things they do bug the readers. A good chance to grow, so long as it doesn't demotivate them.
But it's only good if it's useful information. Saying "You suck!" or "Stop writing such confusing stuff" doesn't really work, because what is the author supposed to do with that? That's why I like criticizing details and praising wholes. If the detail is criticized, the author knows what to work on next time. And if the whole is praised, the author is more motivated.
And you can replace author with any artist for whatever you're currently criticizing. It's pretty universal.

[stukasa]

I'm never 100% satisfied with what I've written. I always feel like I could have improved it a bit more if I spent more time on it. But even though I'm a perfectionist in some ways, I allow myself that sacrifice (knowing it could've been a little better) for the sake of getting the work out. Otherwise it would take me forever to finish anything, and the chapters wouldn't get done. To me that's the more important thing--getting the work done.

[yoshiblue]

Spoiler!

Well that's new. I didn't expected a writing to be taken apart but it's not unwelcomed. Thanks for taking the time to do that.

Spoiler!

I've mentioned before that present tense has always been a weakness of mine so around this time is when i've been trying to fix that. I've also wanted to try some new things that day since its a Sia focused chapter that wasn't full of drama. Some days have more effort in working on present tense then others.

"Was working with" would bug me since it's past tense but I see what you mean, I think. It could have been said differently. ". . . ,Bitol, . . ." on the other hand was suppose to be a transition so I could start using the name while the reader also knows who is being spoken to, but the issue likely was I forgot I already focused on him through context and added it in without rereading.

The use of soft in both of those is meant to describe the harshness and volume without spending too long describing the sound. Looking at it again I would switch it to plays softly on the radio. Soft muffled shot was meant to give you an idea that it wasn't a sharp or raspy muffled shot, or sound like a loud clap. It easy on the ears and didn't travel far in the air. The volume is also meant to be low and easy on the ears in the car, but I could have also used faintly instead. I don't remember that word coming to mind at the time though. I have an issue with this often really. I remember talking with a few people around this time about how a proper story should be structured, written and how much time should be spent doing that before working on a final draft; partly because I see Stukasa taking two month breaks and coming back with much cleaner work than I produced. Ultimately I was told it was fine what I was doing, just keep improving.

Yoshi Sr. is optimizing and trying to see if he can make gunslashes built for specific scenarios in this scene. Also why not? It just a blade on a gun for the most part, but putting a blade on a sniper rifle sounds silly. I've always wondered though if barrel size or width could affect a gunslashes damage output or distance. Like putting a sawed-off tank barrel on it and trying to carry that around.

But yeah, that was the mother's day special. It somewhat eases my long standing gripe of not writing more about Marean as a stand alone character, or as a decent character, or just writing her in a positive light. That and as said before i've written enough with Bitol. So I don't intentionally plan to give him much special treatment.

[stukasa]

I remember talking with a few people around this time about how a proper story should be structured, written and how much time should be spent doing that before working on a final draft; partly because I see Stukasa taking two month breaks and coming back with much cleaner work than I produced. Ultimately I was told it was fine what I was doing, just keep improving.

The way you've been doing it is fine. You once told me you see your story like a TV series, and that's what it feels like. Although there's an overall story and character development, it feels more like a series of adventures, and that works fine with the format you've been doing. I think your writing has definitely improved over time and I've always liked the "color" you put into your characters and their interactions.

[Zorafim]

I'm not gonna lie, it took me a long time to write all of that. But the mood struck me, and it seemed useful to give you feedback. I'm not sure all of it was constructive, but if even a little bit was helpful then it was worth the time.

Keeping tenses consistent is probably something that's worth mastering. It doesn't matter which tense you use, though each has a different flavor. But if you mix them up - especially in the same sentence - the flavors become muddled. Hopefully it doesn't give you too much trouble in the future. I've never had an issue with keeping them straight, so I can't offer any advice.
...hey. I just realized, it's possible to write a story completely in future tense. Actually, I think Nightvale does that sometimes, and it's kinda creepy. That may be worth considering in the future...

Spoiler!

I think there's some confusion in regards to the criticism of "Pop music begins to softly play." and "a soft muffled gunshot was heard.". I'm completely fine with the soft in there. That was perfectly descriptive and well placed, and your intention was communicated perfectly. I'm commenting on other parts of the sentences.
For the first, it's not clear why the pop music was playing. It seems like it's a random sentence with no cause. So what I was trying to get across was that some more description of that would have been beneficial. I think if I were to write something like that, I would have a group of three descriptions to get the message across that the car was starting - "the car shook, the AC blared, and the radio began to play" - but I think that's specific to my style. I think some little description saying why the radio turned on would have been more fluid ("Yadira reached for the radio, and pop music played softly" or "The car switched on, and the radio played music" or something to that effect")
For the second, I think my main complaint is that I don't know who heard the gunshot. Did Yadira hear it? Was she oblivious to it? Was it hearable in the room, but not outside? That goes back to my previous complaint for "could be seen working". It's unclear through what eyes we're looking through.
At least, that's my complaint. It may not be an issue. It certainly isn't a major concern, you could write perfectly well with stuff like that. I just think your work could benefit greatly if you add a bit more detail.
Which, by the way, you have. This chapter and the last one are much more colorful than usual, which makes it much more interesting to read.


That's something I like about Yoshi Sr., that he's a tinkerer. It's a little detail that adds a lot of color to him. I like seeing him working on different things in the background.

I think your story benefited greatly from adding more detail to Sia like this. I notice a lot of TV shows do this. After the main character and story are kind of sorted, they go into doing specific episodes about some of the side characters. I'd say your story could benefit a lot from that too, since you have so many characters and it's not always clear who is who.
stukasa's story, for instance, benefits from the side chapters between main stories, since it gives us a better glimpse into the lives of side characters. So when we see them in the main story, we go "Yay she's back!". It's not something that makes or breaks a story, but it adds some interest to the reader.
So yeah, it's great to see a focus on Sia here.

And echoing what stukasa is saying, yeah your story is fine. I just think it needs a little bit more color to it. If the quality of your work stays in line with these last few chapters, I think you'll have made a huge improvement. Just focus on color and details, and I think that'll move you one step forward.
That might be one reason why I liked the Yoshi Jr. sections before they got the focus. They were quirky, as opposed to the more serious main stories.

[stukasa]

I don't know if anyone noticed, but I started doing a thing in my story where I write all the flashbacks in present tense while the normal story is written in past tense. Just supposed to be an ironic little switcheroo, I guess (since you would normally expect the opposite). I like the "flavor" of writing in present tense, though. It makes things seem like they're happening "in the moment," instead of something that's already occurred. Past tense gives more of a storybook feel, like you're reading a fairy tale that takes place a long time ago. I... don't even know what to think about future tense. xD I imagine it would feel like you're always trying to catch up with the characters, lol.

[Zorafim]

Hm... I didn't notice at the time, but now that you mention it, there was kind of a lucid dreamlike vibe to your flashback sections. I didn't catch it at all.

Future tense is really trippy. At least, the few that I've seen. Though they also write it in second person at the same time, which adds an extra layer of weirdness to it...
I really want to try it out now.