read this and tell me how you like it

[Foggy_Pete]

He crouched by a creek and peered into the water. dull colored fish darted about restlessly threw the water humanity hadnt had the chance to taint.
"maybe...everything will turn out ok" he thought. he let his head fall back and stared up at the sun untill his eyes began to tear up. slowly, his gaze shifted back to the creek as a strange crustation glided over the pebles just below the surface, chasing all the fish away.
"somethings wrong..they wont tell us but we can all feel it...but maybe...everything will turn out ok.." his eyes narrowed and he spit into the creek chasing off the monsterous crustation, he knew everything wouldnt be 'ok', he knew something terrible had happened and it stabbed at the back of his mind like a knife. the fresh air of ragol breezed gently around him as his thougts dragged him deeper and deeper. he turned various thoughs over in his mind as he watched the crustation return with a fish writhing helplessly in its jaws. he closed his eyes, he hated death, it made even nature seem dark and hateful. "killing isnt wrong to you" he murmered "you live by your instincts with no sense of right or wrong, you dont worry, your never afraid, and your never lonly.." suddenly, the long cold barrel of a rifle pressed against the back of his neck. he gasped slightly and froze. "i shouldnt have come here" his mind raced while his body sat limply in the dirt "it was unotherized and my lisence hasnt been approved for such a kind of activity...i was going to get cought sooner or later". the punishment for such an excurion was death without a trial, yet, nothing happened. his skin tensed as if trying to crawl away from the rifle. "so what" he said aloud "living was unbearable anyway" the rifle barrel moved up his neck to the back of his head, he stood up as the rifle followed him. he awaited death. a few torturous moments went by before his mind began to fade away, he knew he should be dead and his mind was trying to die even if the body wouldnt cooperate. he stood silently for a moment, his mind in a deep haze. anger and frustration began to bubble inside him. "you cant even grant me death without making me suffer first can you?" he droped his arms to his side and turned around to face his executioner. his eyes fell not on a military personel but on a girl roughly his own age. she stood, naked, looking at him softly from the other end of the rifle. it seemed to him ridiculous that something so sweet and innocent looking could hold something so deadly and dark. he cautiosly raised his hand to the tip of the rifle and lowered it slowly, his eyes locked on her face. his exocutioner didnt resist and stared back at him with soft feeling eyes.
"maybe" he breathed "everything will be ok".
there, its a paragraph out of a fanfic im messing around with. i want a little feedback before i continue

[Hikosaka]

I suggest paying attention to formatting, punctuation, capitalization, grammar, and spelling if you want to make it easy for others to get the most out of your story. The lack of these things discourages people from reading the fic, and you won't get as much feedback as you'd like.

Also, while feedback is good, write the story for yourself, not for the approval of others. People notice when some effort has been put into a work; just do your best and they'll come on their own.

The story itself is pretty good, and I'd like to see it continue. You've set up an interesting scenario.

[Foggy_Pete]

i plan to correctly punctuate and spell the final copy, this is just a rough draft and portrays two of my characters meeting for the first time and may not even be used in the real story. im just seeing how people like my style of dialog and whatnot

[Raist]

It held my attention well, I'd like to see more of it.

[blazeking240]

i liked it alot