Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 38
  1. #1
    Scarlet Spirit PhotonDrop's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    the hearts of millions
    Posts
    1,447

    Default Mint Foie +Aftermath & other short adventures! Update 3/10/16

    Hello, Fan Works. It's been a while since I last posted something in here. As I probably said the last time I shared a story, I don't really do this often. The mood to produce something creative comes and goes with the wind. This particular story is an example of how I could draft something in my head for months before finding the motivation to put it down on paper. Note that it doesn't necessarily mean the story becomes refined over that time, so let me know if anything sounds odd to you.

    Spoiler!


    Mint Foie: Aftermath

    Battle Training
    Last edited by PhotonDrop; Mar 10, 2016 at 01:53 AM. Reason: releasing story DLC
    http://www.pso-world.com/forums/signaturepics/sigpic25144_2.gif
    It's either real or it's a dream. There's nothing that is in between.

  2. #2
    Curiously attractive for a fish man Zorafim's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Under the sea
    Posts
    12,529

    Default

    Woo new story!

    My reading habits are sporadic lately (though not as much as my writing habits), so it may take me a while to get to it. But that's mostly because I don't want to read it in a drunken stupor and miss half the points you're trying to make. I'll try to provide as much feedback as I can to get conversation going, mainly because I love discussing a work as much or more than reading it.

  3. #3
    Space Hobobo Bo Bobo yoshiblue's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Liliparium Cafe
    Posts
    5,175

    Default

    Hoh, PD the great, putting those 12*'s to work . Was a fun chapter. I like how the sisters had the same conversation about the drink.

  4. #4
    In a 2D Relationship
    Join Date
    Nov 2015
    Location
    Moe Moe Intersection
    Posts
    105

    Default

    Now serving in Franka's cafe: Mint Foie
    Quote Originally Posted by Keilyn View Post
    She goes into the boy's room and finds a shrine of herself there. The boy appears and tells her that her entire family is dead, where he chains her up....commits a rather heinous crime. Proceeds to murder her and leave her for dead...and then the game closes with a graphic representation and sounds of her being buried and seeing herself from the heavens being buried.

  5. #5
    Scarlet Spirit PhotonDrop's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    the hearts of millions
    Posts
    1,447

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by yoshiblue View Post
    Hoh, PD the great, putting those 12*'s to work . Was a fun chapter. I like how the sisters had the same conversation about the drink.
    "Chapter" ...yeah I hate to disappoint but that's all for this story! Fear not though, I did sow seeds for a bigger event later on!

    The similarity in those conversations was to show the sisters are not as different as Petrice thinks they are. I try not to be too deep with the character study
    http://www.pso-world.com/forums/signaturepics/sigpic25144_2.gif
    It's either real or it's a dream. There's nothing that is in between.

  6. #6
    Space Hobobo Bo Bobo yoshiblue's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Liliparium Cafe
    Posts
    5,175

    Default

    Its all good. I get so used to call my entries chapters, that i do it to other people too. Looking forward to more though.

  7. #7
    Curiously attractive for a fish man Zorafim's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Under the sea
    Posts
    12,529

    Default

    Huh. Telling the story in present tense. I think you're the first to do that. Most of us do past tense.
    Using present tense is supposed to draw the reader in better, allowing them to view the action as if it's happening in front of them, as opposed to being told it second hand.

    It was an enjoyable read. Very personable.

  8. #8
    Scarlet Spirit PhotonDrop's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    the hearts of millions
    Posts
    1,447

    Default

    Thanks. Any critiques or advice you'd like to give? I feel I have trouble distinguishing who is who, and who does what. "The red head said", "the woman did this", etc.
    http://www.pso-world.com/forums/signaturepics/sigpic25144_2.gif
    It's either real or it's a dream. There's nothing that is in between.

  9. #9
    Space Hobobo Bo Bobo yoshiblue's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Liliparium Cafe
    Posts
    5,175

    Default

    Since the story consisted mostly of back and forth dialogue, I can see how it can get confusing with a large number of people talking all at once. In the end though, I think it worked just fine. You kept the conversations between few people and use the progression to switch around the cast. The personalities were also unique enough to tell everyone apart.

    If anything, your story is actually something for me to learn from.
    Spoiler!

  10. #10
    Curiously attractive for a fish man Zorafim's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Under the sea
    Posts
    12,529

    Default

    I did get confused in the middle, when you switched from... let me look up the names here... Denise to Petrice. You did signal the change well, but I guess Petrice was acting so much like Denise that I got confused.

    I think Yoshi did what you were saying before, "the redhead said" and all that. It worked fine in this case, and it's fine flare to throw around here or there, but I learned that it's not a great narrative tool to rely on. The best thing you can do is make a character recognizable by how they talk. Having one polite and one loud character conversing, for instance, makes it easy to tell who's who. Also a good tool, if you can make the pacing work and have the skill for it, is to tell what the character is doing while she's talking.
    "That's awesome," Patrice said, red hair falling off her shoulders as she leaned her head back to take another swig.
    That takes some skill and awareness to do, but it can make something very engaging if done right. Note that I cannot do this right because I lack awareness. In my mind the characters are standing still and shooting words at each other, so that's how it comes across when I write dialogue.


    As for the tenses... Well, read a passage from PD's story again. Did you notice it was in present tense? Did it feel strange to read? Probably not. But didn't it feel more modern than say, something you or I write? Like you were part of the action as it was happening?
    I contemplated switching to present tense, but I really want my story to have that aged feel to it. It might be worth trying out on yours, though. Maybe on one of your extra chapters?

Similar Threads

  1. AotI-PC/PS2: short TL (updated)
    By jayeager in forum PSU PC/Playstation 2 Trading (Closed)
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: May 14, 2008, 10:06 PM
  2. Short term update schedule
    By Telina in forum PSU General
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: Apr 3, 2008, 09:58 AM
  3. PC/PS2} DoS + 21mill+ others for blackbull updated
    By bleachfreak in forum PSO Trading (Closed)
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: Jan 1, 2008, 08:10 PM
  4. FanFic: Short: Adventures of the A.M.G.
    By White_Knight in forum Fan Works
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: Oct 8, 2004, 12:23 AM
  5. Anyone need Amp of Foie and a Mind mat?
    By Lomax in forum PSO Trading (Closed)
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: Dec 7, 2002, 03:49 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •