Mint Foie +Aftermath & other short adventures! Update 3/10/16

[PhotonDrop]

Since the story consisted mostly of back and forth dialogue, I can see how it can get confusing with a large number of people talking all at once. In the end though, I think it worked just fine. You kept the conversations between few people and use the progression to switch around the cast. The personalities were also unique enough to tell everyone apart.

If anything, your story is actually something for me to learn from.

Spoiler!

I can't really comment on tense because tense has always been my weak point. It feels wrong to write in present tense, even when I want to write it, and end up writing this mishmash of bizarre timing. And the personality of everyone are all so far apart from each other, it makes all of my characters seem stale in comparison. So there's that.

Oh stop, you're going to make me blush!

I did get confused in the middle, when you switched from... let me look up the names here... Denise to Petrice. You did signal the change well, but I guess Petrice was acting so much like Denise that I got confused.

Ah yes, that sudden burst of energy. Petrice likes to pretend she's more level headed but it's easy to get caught up in the moment and revert to her old ways. The event at the soda fountain, and the drunken escapades were sort of a glimpse at her "real" persona. Before she decided to shoulder all the responsibility on her own, anyway.

I think Yoshi did what you were saying before, "the redhead said" and all that. It worked fine in this case, and it's fine flare to throw around here or there, but I learned that it's not a great narrative tool to rely on. The best thing you can do is make a character recognizable by how they talk. Having one polite and one loud character conversing, for instance, makes it easy to tell who's who. Also a good tool, if you can make the pacing work and have the skill for it, is to tell what the character is doing while she's talking.
"That's awesome," Patrice said, red hair falling off her shoulders as she leaned her head back to take another swig.
That takes some skill and awareness to do, but it can make something very engaging if done right. Note that I cannot do this right because I lack awareness. In my mind the characters are standing still and shooting words at each other, so that's how it comes across when I write dialogue.

As for the tenses... Well, read a passage from PD's story again. Did you notice it was in present tense? Did it feel strange to read? Probably not. But didn't it feel more modern than say, something you or I write? Like you were part of the action as it was happening?
I contemplated switching to present tense, but I really want my story to have that aged feel to it. It might be worth trying out on yours, though. Maybe on one of your extra chapters?

When I write I like to imagine the scene in my head and describe what is happening as I go along. Sometimes this results in going too far into detail describing the action, or not being descriptive enough of the setting. In the case of setting, this often stems from me imagining a close facsimile to in-game areas, so it's like,"Psshaw, why should I describe this, everyone already knows what it looks like!"

[Zorafim]

Detail can be interesting if used correctly. Describing the same area in a new way, or bringing detail to something people might not notice. Like, how anime often zooms into leaves of an area between scenes, just because leaves are interesting and the action needs a break.
It's also important to paint the scene for the reader. You know exactly all the details of what's going on in your scene, but your reader won't. Maybe spend some time on that. Do it between dialogue, if the characters need some time to breath.

Oh stop, you're going to make me blush!

It's true. I've heard it said "When one person teaches, two people learn". You can be the best writer in the world and still learn something from someone's first story. Your writing is not bad, and you're untainted by the other writers of this section. So you have a fresh take on things we might take for granted.


Also, I just noticed. Patrice Denise. PD. Photon Drop.
Subtle.

[PhotonDrop]

Would you believe me if I said that was completely unintentional?

Her name used to be Heather but when I came back for Valuable Commodities I changed it to Petrice. I forget exactly how I decided on that name, it just sounded cute. The P & D connection, as well as the phonetic similarity in Denise's nickname for her sister were purely pleasant coincidences.

[Zorafim]

I don't believe you.

[PhotonDrop]

Fair enough. I suppose there's a chance I may have simply forgotten that it was done deliberately.

[Zorafim]

I think subconscious may be a big thing. You write something because you think it's cool, or it comes to mind quickly. But it may seem cool or come to mind because you've already made the connection without realizing it. That seems to happen with my word choice. I picked a synonym for 'slow' which sounded cool, and I later learned it was also the word for the movement in the bowels. Which also worked perfectly for the scene.

[Sacrificial]

It was a fun read. I was slightly confused when the twin sister basically said the same thing as her sister tho. Had to read it twice to make sure I had everything in the right order.

Looking forward to the next one, if you plan to continue this for a while.

[PhotonDrop]

Thanks!

This short has already shown more support than my last project. Maybe it's a sign I should stick to shorts.

[PhotonDrop]

Now, I know I said the story was done, but I decided the ending was not as conclusive as I would like it to be. Here's a little extra for anyone curious about how things went the following morning. Please tell me what you think.

Spoiler!

Mint Foie: Aftermath


"It's useless to run!" a voice taunts, echoing through the labyrinthine caverns,"You'll only die tired!"

An android, tall and lean, dives behind a colossal ribcage. Taking aim with his rifle, he fires into a horde of beasts. "Androids don't get tired. Don't be stupid!"

A colorful Rappy sneaks in beside the Rappy and attacks. Though his shield defends him, it can no longer take the strain and shatters. Before he realizes it the ranger finds himself surrounded.

"I could end this right now if only I only get a clear shot!", he curses. "Why don't you come out and face me!"

"We both know that's not how this works." the voice laughs. "Surrender now and I will show you mercy."

With no way out, the android aims his weapon, and fires. The shot goes wide and his target remains unharmed. Switching to his sidearm, he spins on his heels, and takes another shot. This bullet finds its mark but the beasts hide renders it ineffective.

All at once they fall upon him, battering the android from all sides. First his rifle shatters to pieces, then his sidearm is crushed, robbing the ranger of all hope. As he lay on the thick moss, staring at the light shining from above, the creatures fall back in reverence of their master.

The RAcast turns his head to see a pudgy newman, clad in red robes hopping toward him. He smiles menacingly imparting one last taunt,"This game is over. You lose, Petey!"

The younger twin jumps up and lets out a victorious cry, throwing her cards down on the table. Her sister, pale of face and laid out on the couch across from her, clutches her head in pain,"Damnit Nisa will you be quiet!"

"Aw, I'm sorry.", Denise coos as she bends down to grab the washcloth from her twin's forehead. "It's just that I don't get the chance to beat you in a game of wits very often. Ya know?"

"What wits? I couldn't get a single good roll!" Petrice coughs as azure vapors escape from her mouth.

"Let's not be a spoil sport now," the pony-tailed sister teases, returning from the kitchen. She hands her twin a glass containing a raw egg covered in pepper. "It's all just fun and games."

The ailing twin slowly sits up with slow, groggy movements, adjusting her canary-yellow robe. She stares at the chaser, trying to find the nerve, then swiftly knocks her head back, and drinks it down. Wincing in pain, she hands the glass back to her sister.

After placing the glass on the coffee table, Denise cradles her sister's head, and helps her lay back down. Placing the freshly moistened washcloth back on her forehead she asks,"I'm gonna make a quick run to the store. Do you want anything?"

"Bring me the largest cup of iced tea you can find. No, a barrel!"

"Anything else?" the twin presses,"How about some gold jewelry? Shiny gemstones? Maybe a prince from the nearby castle?"
"Now just what is that supposed to mean?!" Petrice barks, prompting another coughing fit.

"Oh, nothing!" Denise sings as she departs, the door clicking shut behind her.

Alone in the dimly lit den, Petrice stares at the ceiling, listening to the ticking of a clock. She raises up her fist and whispers,"Yeah. You go girl!"

[Zorafim]

This was cute. It had a good level of energy, and had just enough detail to keep us confused when you needed us to be, and to figure out what happened afterwards.