10 reasons why Sonic X can suck it!
So I was zapping this Saturday morning and I happened to get an ad for the new show Sonic X. It was in two minutes. So just for the hell of it, I decided to watch it. Here's the complete rundown.
THE BAD
Piss-Poor Robotnik Design. I know the Anime is more or less based off Sonic Adventure but does that mean you guys need to follow up with every single cheezy detail you happen to see? Come on, with the look Robotnik has got now, all you need to do is give him a bottle of wine in a paper bag and he looks like a hobo! What the hell happened with the badass look he had in the SatAM series? Black eyes, red pupils, low voice, and his robots actually MADE SENSE! Even the idiots who designed Sonic Underground understood that!!!
The Drawing Sucks. Sonic and Tails seem to change shape every two minutes. This is not normal. And by seeing the mouth movement I can guess it's done by Anime designing folks. Dammit, I thought those guys were supposed to be GOOD!! You artists can sketch the most fabulous piece of gratuitious hentai but when it comes to drawing a hedgehog that you've been seeing on your Sega ever since its birth, well it's Mission Impossible. I've seen better skills in Stickin' Around!
Cheap-Ass Battle Scenes. Knuckles wants to fight Sonic. Sonic wants to fight Knuckles. So they fight. We get 5 minutes of the fighting crap, spotlighted on them. Normally, I wouldn't care; I mean we look at boxing matches that last 2 hours without ever getting bored. But I think there has to be a limit somewhere. Knuckles starts with a flurry of punches against Sonic. Sonic dodges, does a move, and Knuckles comes back to the attack. We are given the exact same punch-flurry shot, except the fuckers MIRRORED IT! Holy shit, now Knux is attacking from the left! What a good choreography! And if that isn't enough, we are given the same kind of grunting and bang-crashes and hit-flurries that they stick on DBZ. I shot my TV for a reason when I fell on that show; can't you guys take a hint?!
Sonic was Bugs Bunny in a Past Life. I'm serious!!! Close your eyes and listen to him. You can almost expect him to say "What's up doc!"
Idiotic Plot. Amy, Tails and some dude I never heard of are trapped inside a robot. Amy tries to smash the glass but no luck. So she decides to smash the central processor, which she should have done in the first place. Good! The impact breaks the glass too! But, for some reason that completely escapes me, they don't jump out and run away to safety. And don't put height as an argument; they were on a lake! They could've just done a straight dive! It takes Sonic to come over and extend his hand so that they can get out of there. No wonder he has to save the world; everyone's gone stupid!
Shitty Voice Acting. Imagine Edward Norton attempting to mimic Samuel Jackson's voice. You get the idea. Robotnik sounds like Pavarotti trying to talk with his mouth full, and Knuckles sounds like a pro wrestler about to kick ass. One problem though: Knuckles doesn't even remotely look like he can kick ass.
Humans. In the actual storyline, Sonic lives on Planet Mobius, in a forest, which is next to a swamp and a desert, and due south of his village is the capital Robotropolis. Not anymore, looks like. Now he's among humans. And they think it's prefectly normal to see a blue and a pink hedgehog run all over the place trying to stop a madman who can't even get his robots to work. Normally, the army would've taken the place over and killed him before he could even guess what hit him.
Tails is STILL tagging along. Tails is an immature kid who only seems to hinder Sonic everywhere he goes. He gets captured in the series, he gets beaten and killed in the games, he crashes his airplane on a deserted island; dammit, when will he realize he is just NOT made for world-scale world saving?!
Lack of Major Destruction. Robotnik will destroy things but he'll do it the cute way. Or he'll do it by accident. Or he'll just slam his flying machine in there; he looks like he's capable of it. What the hell happened with the major SWAT Bot invasion? And the Shriek Bot? And the Power Stones? And the Doomsday Project? And the Invincible Pods? I mean, come on, just the name "Doomsday Project" should make you shit your pants in fear. Coming from the SatAM version of Robotnik that is. Iamgine that: a tall fortress made entirely out of human body parts. And if you don't believe me, count the skulls you see in that particular episode. The Doomsday Machine is so badass it almost manages to roboticize Sonic. It takes the hog THREE power rings to get out of there. Only one is enough to make him blow the world up by sheer will; now imagine THREE. You gotta be in some fucking serious trouble to need three rings to the rescue!! And who put Sonic in such a trouble? Da Doomsday Machine, fawk yes.
The letter X. So X is supposed to stand for "X-Treme" or "Mysterious" or "Techno" or something around those lines. Bull fucking shit. I've seen Spongebob Squarepants with more edge than everyone in this show put together. Save the X for the dark Akira-style movie if you're ever gonna do one. Don't spend it on a kids show. Besides, there's nothing kiddie in Sonic; he is SUPPOSED to be an impolite jackass! He should burp and curse at Robotnik while eating chili hot dogs! Now HE'S the one getting nagged! How X-Treme is that?!
THE GOOD
Amy. She's like the sargeant in Full Metal Jacket but with the words turned into hits. Forget the hammer a minute. Yah, forget the goddamn toy hammer and watch this one particular scene. Some kid keeps pulling on her ear, so she does the right thing that anyone else should have done: she kicks his ass. SLAM, kid goes right into the train door and starts crying a river. As for Amy, she sits there, looks cute and acts as if nothing's happened. Ultimate stealth booyah factor. I couldn't have done it better myself. Now all we need are the panty shots and she is perfect for the job.
After count, I see that the Bad category far outweights the Good category 10 to 1.
Hence, I declare Sonic X the worst show I've seen since my birth. Even Ultimate Muscle is more watchable than that.
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