Past, Present, Future. I'm hopeful / Poker booze and bad att

[HAYABUSA-FMW-]

My world is a tough one for me. I think I'm well prepared for the tasks and negativity life throws my way on a daily basis- as does anyone else with enough life experience. You live, you learn, you don't get huggies(diapers) until you're ready and/or make that choice. No choices should ever be made for you and you have the ability to determine most of what your life is or can be.

Enough blah blah, more to the life being good stuff, with extended blah blah- sorry.

Short workday. Morning shift. Less than 6 hours sleep, mom is nice enough to drop me off at work.
Work is grand, train one new worker well enough for 5 hours and he is very smart- very adept - knowing fully well he can handle the situation he gets more leaniency than a person who has to be constantly "looked over the shoulder to not screw up."

Before leaving, my sensei comes in.
Sensei is the sole person who did everything that has prepared me for life's hardhsips(besides parents). He was the role model I always had. It was never hard to talk to him but after a long leeway away from him with no reasons given for why I left, he is still as noble as can be. I once told someone here how I planned to mediate with him one day, he has less life than me ahead of him- if things are generally going to be good and well for the both of us.

Besides the fact, he chats with me a minute. I have to train a 2nd new guy in the kitchen and just general howdy, hows the family, mom, brothers. I slip out that the younger bro isn't doing so hot. Yelling was going on the day before over bad things done concerning him, not willing to discuss them here-and wasn't willing to tell in detail to spoil a meeting with my role model/sensei. Saying he needs help and its hard.

Leave work, but co worker is planning a last second party. Get his phone number for the after-work party.

Was talked into it by some co-workers and my mom- saying I have nothing better to do. Turns out to be a life lesson to remember.

Head off to dinner after work with parents after my shift, crowded sushi restaurant, but good food/service. Then off to Grandmother's house. Grandmother missed me, haven't seen her in almost 3 weeks due to bad schedule conflicts with work. She hugs me immediately! I am her favorite, and always wish I can help do the things to take care of her(which aren't that hard), that she wants me to do, but one problem stops me. Family and friends of the family look to me to be the "good boy", and "help grandma as soon as you can." I wouldn't mind one bit, but procrastination, along with bad scheduling reflects this major hurdle.

I do my best.
More alcohol than should be allowed in front of dozen people who are under the legal drinking age was at that party, late at night. I was handed a beer after helping set things up while people had their time to get situated. I force myself to not take in the beer, remove myself from it, to a back room. Alone for the most part. Whew. Pressure gone. Everyone else going drunk, people that shouldn't be doing as such.

One girl, beyond drunk. I once had a "puppy love crush" on her. Years ago. She moved away. I buy in for a poker table. I don't play much poker, never attend parties-this is beyond my comfort zone. Slap on the headphones, chew some gum, and the girl goes over the line.

"So (my full name) you like walk to work?! Don't you? Are you ashamed? Are you ashamed you walk to work? What are you, 20? And you don't drive? Are you ashamed? Why are you ignoring me? That's not uhh nice!" All in a drunken stupor-voice and while falling off a chair.

I ignore using every ounce I have, she doesn't live in this city-doesn't govern my life, talking behind my back of a fact(yes I walk to the bus to go to work, big deal) is nothing to me. Concentrate on the game, trying to beat the table. Knowing they are mostly drunk, mostly not poker players-and all screaming back and forth swears at eachother. I;m no "shark" but I'm smart with such things; gambling problems run in the family and I usually always stay away. Headphones drown out most of the yelling, NAS plays. Lyrics running through my head. Betting, winning, learning, moving ahead. Grand time, accepted as a winner, 'owning' the others! or so they said.

It hurt though. I can't drive. I got a written license test done, missed 1 question out of a possible 8 max. Worked for a year, then two, and the permit expired. They're better than me because they can drive? Whoopdie doo, bet you get your money from your parents for the car, insurance, gas, and parts too! And you still fail commmunity college classes cuz its cool! :/

Why is this girl from my past doing this? That's sick. That is hurtful. It stops all the yelling. All the poker playing. My co-workers and boss come to my aid. "He's the most intense worker I have! Leave em alone." "He's nice and doesn't bother most people, and look he's trying to concentrate!" "He saved his paychecks for a bit, knowing he is better than those wannabe gangsters that you know and always want to be with, a good man here."

Okay, they were just trying to get her to calm down. I wouldn't go that far with my describing myself in postitive light, people shouldn't be "better than others" and stereotypes are bad things. Heh. I gain more poker chips and she literally steals them off the table out of winning hands and ruins the game. She gets worse and worse and I snap, and even the drunkest people tell everyone to calm down, its a game- go someplace else you drunk girl-not funny-not cool. I'm ashamed for blowing up, but I had no choice, my wall fell.

She never left the table, her jerk friends who brought her along were unable to pull her from the table for five minutes or more?

Later on, "oh that girl was attracted to you. She was just being a pain for attention, you're a hottie." OH fsck, that doesn't explain anything to me. I'm a failure with women, I explain a drunk girl f-ing up a poker game for ya know- realk money is wrong, I wouldn't subject myself to a drunk girl-just for it. I stayed sober, never took a sip, never gave in. Won $20. Not much by far, but beating a whole table, a drunk girl's bashing(hating, BS'ing, etc.) and coming out with a better sense of self worth is great.

I feel good for once, after a rollercoaster of events. Oh shit, I'm a hottie? Fsck, after what happened with the last relationship, I swore off all women for some time, knowing my faults and my appearance are hardly attractive to anyone. But drinking too much might have made her overlook that. And holy moley that was showing attraction? Thought it was hateful bashing which was what I took it as, and others did too!

Driving is a huge responsibility. I'll have to do it for the next 45+ years? It determines my future. College?/living at grandma's.
Helping her with basic needs, like shopping when people neglect her(a kind woman who at age 71 has quit smoking! Talk about people can't change at an advanced age!), and be a good grandson when she lost our grandfather only a year ago. Friends to be around more with a car?(I have no pals and my last were ones who made me feel out of place) and moving on in life.

So life, I wonder. What happens next?
Will I be prepared? Will I learn enough?

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: HAYABUSA-FMW- on 2005-07-09 05:39 ]</font>

[InfinityXXX]

Wow, don't call me crazy, but in a way, your post sounds like a poem.I dunno, maybe i was just reading it in a poem like way(after all, last night i did watch Def Poetry)


I've only been to a party with alcohal once and i'll never again. It seemed like the sole purpose was for the alcohal. And it kinda scared me how everyone changed by the alcohal.

You did good to ignore that girl. I woulda did the same cuz she wasn't in her right state but they say getting drunk brings out thoughts or feelings in your sub conscious.

Walking or taking the bus to work ain't shameful.It just shows how devoted you are to work. My aunt worked at Braums for years and she always walked to work.

Life is that live and learn stuff. You live and you learn by taking in certain things and making mistakes. Theres no telling what life can throw at you, its just best to be prepared for whatever.

Slightly Off Topic: Speaking of Nas I ordered his old cd, Illmatic, a few days ago, Oh, *points to sig* my fav song.

[roygbiv]

I share the same problem... got my permit, took some lessons, but never got my actual license. I am increadibly afraid of it. In some ways I am lucky and have gotten around it by living in a big city (Boston) with public transit, but in others I mean I still feel bad about showing people a Cali-ID rather than a DL to buy drinks or go into clubs.
I don't feel to bad about not having it, but I know its sort of something I am avoiding with no real reason.

Anyways my permit expired a long time ago, I don't really know what I am going to do, never actually have time to take lessons or practice either.

[HAYABUSA-FMW-]

(Heh, poem like? Really?)

Yeah it was sad.

The regular stereotype alcohol/weed party of suburban kids doing what they shouldn't be doing, just for the sake of coolness.

I didn't give in. Plenty of time for alcohol when I'm able to buy it myself. No need to have people enable me to be a drunken nuisance. No unecessary having to look out for me-being responsible because I couldn't control myself. The host of the party had to be responsible for the underage drinking/partying.

With the girl, she was a girlfriend of a close friend who I never speak to anymore. He is a jerk, and I didn't feel any need to go near that situation at all. She was just mouthing off to everyone within earshot. My boss, my co-worker who was hosting the party, myself, and others. I could have said plenty back to her-knowing a little bit about her as well- but it would be worse than me taking offense and snapping as mentioned earlier.

Eh, I need to get out of here maybe, to a bigger city where everyone doesn't know everyone's business(or even cares). The damn suburban stereotype, friends of friends pointing out facts of someone's life-whom they hardly know and talk behind their back spreading rumors and other BS.

Where walking isn't frowned upon.
I'm not a 16 year old girl who's driving around in their rich parent's $50,000 SUV, so I'm not cool-and you're supposed to make fun of me: a guy with a job, working hard, saving money, thinking of others, trying to be generous, nice to strangers, etc.

And holy crap, part of the reason I lost 40 lbs of pure fat- was that I do walk 3 or so miles a day and try to eat/drink well. I don't see others with such dedication on a daily basis.

Err, just kinda enlightening. Stay away from parties a bit then, away from drunk hooligans causing trouble and bringing up the past attempting to hurt me. Or take the route of staying sober and winning money from them again?

[Evil_Althena8]

Wow what a bitch. I can't believe she'd say something like that to your, even if she was drunk. That's just down right condescending and disrespectful. I can sympathize. I'm 19 and I don't drive yet. I guess it's because I never tried hard enough, and my parents aren't rich and they won't pay for my car insurance. I got my temps but that's about it.

I don't mind a party as long as there are people I can relate to there. I went to a party on the weekend of the 4th at a girl's house who I hadn't seen in over a year. There were a lot of people there I didn't know. In fact her, her friend, and the people I came with were the only people I knew there. As long as you can feel comfortable then parties can be cool...but I prefer small get-togethers with close friends anyway. There's no pressure to drink anyway. Not that I really care anymore though.