[Isat0]

Heres the first, part, I didn't really edit that well, just want to get some opinions See if I should continue it or not, enjoy!
Part 1: A Bad Dream
The door flung open as he got near it. He drew his Orotiagito from his side. He ran into the middle of the room and stopped. Empty? She couldn’t have cleared this by herself. The sounds of a rock moving across the ground behind him grew louder and louder. Then they stop. A low moan bust out of the creatures’ mouth. Indi Belra. Its arm shot out at the hunter. He jumped to the side barely dodging the attack. With ease you gracefully moved around the 20 foot creature and jumped up of his back. He swung his blade around and drove it through the head of the Indi Belra, it slid through its body with easy. The creature soaked into the ground from which it came from. The only other door in the room unlocked. The hunter made his way though the door. It led through a long hallway and into a room with some sort of a shrine in the middle. After that it led into a vast room. It was empty. All the doors and been unlocked and the boxes had been emptied. He checked all but one. Still no sign of the girl. Where could she be? He walked over to the last room; the doors flew open and in front of him stood a giant red transporter. She wouldn’t have gone in would she? He turned away from the transporter. I better check. He stood in the middle of it, and pressed the transportation button. He was teleported into a large room; the floor was covered with souls of the dead. A loud shriek called through the air. He looks up, face to face with Dark Falz. The voice of a girl came from the left of him, “Watch Out!”

THUD! Dark Falzs blade sliced into his side, the hunters’ semi-lifeless body hit the ground. He rolled over and faced towards his enemy. He watched as the blade was pulled back and then thrust straight into his stomach. Dark Falz pulled out the blad slowly and let out a loud, hideous laugh. Using the rest of his strength the hunter reached his hand out towards the girl and muttered, “Use a Moon. Atom-” The girl was curled into a ball, and had her hands over her ears. Its no use, I’m done. He turned back at Dark Falz. “Stop laughing you Piece of S-“

“Silence.” Flaz screamed. He sliced his blade at the hunters. He took the hit and was flung off the platform. His body fell, he started to pick up speed. The ground grew near a river off souls. He was destined to float in the rivers of hell untill he, him self perished. Five more seconds till I hit. 5, 4, 3, 2, …

He shot up from his bed; his entire body was covered in sweat. His fingers and toes tingled. He felt his stomach, the scar, still there; constantly reminding him of the day he faced Falz. He reached and pulled a crumpled back of cigarettes. He pulled the last smashed cigarettes and lit it up. He sat back against the wall, and stared at the clock. Three O’clock in the morning.

It had been 10 years sense he last went down into the ruins. Many people don’t travel down there any more. Ever sense Dark Falz was defeated, only thief and other criminals travel in there seeking refuge from the law. Just then the phone rang. Who could be calling at three o’clock in the morning?

[Isat0]

hey, well thanks for the input guys. Im feeling special now.

[Hikosaka]

Hmm, try writing a bit more. Usually it takes some time for people to notice a new fic among other new fics. Writing fics should be more about telling a story than getting attention.

Also, pay attention to details, like formatting and punctuation. Those question marks can be avoided if you use a simple text editor, like notepad.

The story itself isn't bad, and I'd like to see more.

[Yoda86]

Actually the only text editor to get rid of the question marks is WordPad. Notepad doesn't work.

[Hikosaka]

Strange, since I've been using notepad and never ran into that problem. Oh well, whatever works.

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Hikosaka on 2003-05-03 12:59 ]</font>

[Yoda86]

Hm, interesting. I've been told that WordPad is the only editor that does it. Whatever works I guess.

By the way you have a nice start on your fic. You need to add some more to the first chapter because I aggree with Hikosaka about need more in a chapter to entice people.

Look at some of the Angelus Saga chapters because those are great length. You can also check out the length of the chapter in my fic Newborn Evil. Those are the lengths of chapters your looking for (in MS Word mine average at about three and half pages to four pages.

Keep up the good work.