The last thread turned into a spam-fest of arguments over apologizing for god knows what, so hell with it.
Ok, it's cute that you think I'm flipping out solely over losing a vote I never thought I was going to win, nor really wanted to in the first place. Adorable, really. I couldn't care less about that, actually. It was fun to whore for votes and give mix a run for his money, but. Not so fun when you have to whore yourself out completely for every single vote you get because nobody would actually vote for you otherwise. Also not fun when nobody you know actually votes for you of their own accord. Meaningless or no, it's still a bit of a drag, yeah? Especially when every single 'vote Ian!' is drowned out in a chorus of 'shut up's or 'vote Mix!'s. Now yeah, this is normally nothing to get upset about or give a shit about. But hey, guess what, I have a life outside of PSOW, despite the default title it's currently given me, and guess what? It currently sucks ass! When you're already depressed, even the slightest fucking thing will set you off. Ok, having to whore yourself for votes is kind of depressing, but eh. What bugged me is that the immediate reaction to noting my rather shitty experience that day was 'I bet you looked the pics up on google'. Yeah, WTF? I don't expect to be showered with praise and adoration for going and trying to save a life, or showered with pity for having it go wrong, but Jesus of Shit, at least pretend to care. >_> And note that I can't see you smirking when you joke on the internet, and I come from Beleguese like Ford Prefect, and we don't have sarcasm there.
the hell out of it and note you're kidding, or it's going to sail right the fuck over my head if I'm depressed, and probably even if I'm not.
Ok, I read like a fucking psychology mental illness diagnosis book. Asperger's Syndrome, Depression, etc. Not an excuse, just a noting of a reason. Of course people will think I'm trying to MAKE it an excuse anyway, I remember what happened with Shimarisu every time she mentioned it to remind people that hey, yeah, you know, I don't think like you do.
That's not some pretentious wannabe goth angst bullshit 'I'm special' crap, either. It's true. I don't know how you think, but I can damn near guarantee that I do not think and react the same way you do. I find social situations absolutely fucking confusing. I don't know what the hell is going on, or why, or why the hell people bother with any of it. It makes no sense to me at all. I get on tracks and don't get off of them. Get me started on something and you'll have a hell of a time getting me off. I can't read people's emotions. I can't do it in real life, and I sure as hell can't do it on the internet. I can't tell when you're joking, or when you're depressed. I can tell if you're angry, usually, because you're probably screaming and swearing, but anything beyond extremes of happiness and anger is as likely as not to just go right over me. People have commented on my language skills and ability to express myself in writing, but I'll bet it would shock the hell out of you if you tried to talk to me in real life. Chances are I wouldn't be able to look at you, much less make eye contact(Which I find almost physically painful), and the conversation would be short, with me mumbling most of it in half-broken sentences. Verbally, I'm absolutely and utterly incomprehensible. I can't fucking talk. And I speak in a monotone. Even if I try to put emotion in my voice, the most anyone ever reads from it is sarcasm. Ironically, I did decently in my public speaking class. Work the speech out beforehand, and look at various points around the room pretending to look at people when really looking at anything but them, try not to stumble over my lips, try not to twitch. Twitching. There's another thing I do. I'll jerk my head, or my shoulders, or play with my fingers, or make weird little noises, things like that, and I don't even realize I'm doing it. If nobody tells me, I won't know. It pisses me the fuck off. I can't try to stop something I'm not even aware of. -_-; I either don't gesture or over-gesture when I talk, and I talk very quickly if I do know exactly what I'm going to say beforehand, with the result that if I actually DO manage to get out something coherent, nobody understands it anyway. Again, something I don't even realize until someone tells me to slow down. I apparently don't always use appropriate facial expressions, and I have no idea what the hell I'm supposed to be doing with my face most of the time anyway. Talking to me is like talking to a wall, if the wall had repetitive tics and negative social skills. Normal social interaction escapes me utterly. I can and probably will misinterpret anything and or everything.
I'm also extremely clumsy, moreso on a major scale than on a minor scale, but it's present in both. I trip on things. I bump into corners. Part of this has nothing to do with my mental issues, but more to do with my eyesight. I see two-dimensionally. The eyesight in my left eye is so bad as to be virtually useless. I literally cannot read with it unless the letters are around an inch high at the smallest. My eyesight in my right eye, last I had it checked, was 20/30, nearly normal. My brain, over the course of my life, has taken to ignoring my left eye. If it fell out tommorow, I'd lose some blurry perephrial vision and not much else. I can't tell where things are in relation to me unless I can see the ground between me and them, presuming that they're even on the ground or on something on the ground. Great excuse for getting out of playing games involving balls, but absolutely shitty for... Yeah, just about anything else. You should see me try to park a car and then get it out of the parking place. It's great comedy, I'm sure.
I'm obsessive about things. Horribly so. You've seen me on about Rati, right? Ok. Like that. I get fixated on a few things to the point of not caring about anything else. It's a bit creepy. I know I'm not supposed to be like that, but I am. I'm supposedly intelligent, but I find it hard to believe, considering how stupid I get at times.
I'm depressed. Not one of those 'Ho-hum, today sucked, think I'll crack open a beer and watch Cops and then write angsty poetry' kinds, the clinical kind where you stop caring about even the things you love and want nothing but to lie in bed and just kind of blank out, the kind where no matter how good things are going you still end up crying for no goddamned good reason and you feel like shit constantly and have no energy no matter what you do or how hard you try to motivate yourself. I'd planned to work on my fic, finish up and start some drawings, get some karaoke recorded, all kinds of fun shit done during my break between summer and fall semester at college, but I haven't done anything yet. Haven't been able to look at the fic, haven't looked at my sketch book, haven't felt like singing, haven't had the will or energy to do much of anything.
I'm fucked up where attraction and gender are concerned. I like both sexes, which in and of itself is enough to get you beaten up most places, and while I'm physically female I mentally identify as male. Which is more than enough to get you raped, beaten and killed. Just ask Brandon Teena about that. Oh wait, you can't, he was raped, beaten and killed. Nevermind. I sure as HELL can't talk to my homophobic mother about that, and my dad lives 3,000 miles away from here.
I should be happy, or something. College sucked majorly this summer, and I was absolutely convinced for a while that I was going to fail one of my classes. As it turns out, I made a B in it. Also got another B, a C and an A. You'd think I'd be happy about that or something. 3.0 average, not great, but not horrible, but it hasn't done anything at all to improve my mood. My mother doesn't help any. Anything less than an A to her is exactly the same as an F. Doesn't matter if it's a B or an F, it's still not an A, and I am therefore a failure in her eyes.
Granted, she's an abusive(Physically, mentally and emotionally), controlling bitch, but sometimes, you know, I think she's right. I am a failure. I can't even manage to bring myself to focus on something that a year ago I would have been obsessive about and absolutely poured myself into. Hell, my first semeseter at this I made straight As. And then I got fucking depressed again and it just stopped fucking mattering.
I overreact to fucking everything, too. Or I underreact. Usually it's one of the two. Something terrible happens and I'm like "Oh. Well that sucks" and go about my business, and something stupid and trivial happens and I go fucking psycho because for some reason or another it just struck a fucking nerve. Hell, I still haven't calmed down from panicing over finals, and it's been a damned week. I'm still stressed over that. I'm stressed over my grades, I'm stressed over mom pressuring me to take a sixth fucking class this semester, apparently five isn't enough, I'm stressed over being stressed, I'm stressed from fucking stupid hormones because my fucking period just started, I'm stressed over having the period in the first place(FUCK YOU NATURE, IT ISN'T FUCKING FUNNY AND NEITHER ARE YOU), stressed over not being able to talk to anyone about any of this shit, just plain fucking stressed. Even attempting to distract myself doesn't work. So yeah, I'm not in a good place right now at all, and so of course everything looks like an attack and everything looks like shit and I'm in one of my fucking little cycles where the slightest fucking little thing just completely throws me over the edge and makes me pissed and then borderline suicidal. Again.
I fucking hate myself, you know that? I try to stop all this shit, and I don't even know how to begin or if I even can. Nothing I ever try works, and it usually happens so fast that it's over before I even really realize what's going on to try to deal with it. I've been expelled from school half a dozen times in the past, in fucking grade school, for doing things like throwing desks over and shit like that. Stuff that just happened before I even knew I was fucking doing it. How the HELL do you deal with something that just comes out of fucking nowhere and goes away before you know it's going on? And how the fuck do I pull myself out of this fucking funk? I've done the psychobabble shit. It doesn't work. I've done the fucking pills that just make you even MORE tired and turn you into a fucking zombie. And they don't even HAVE a pill that I know of for Asperger's, or I'd be taking that fucker in a goddamned heartbeat. I'm sick of not thinking right, of not acting right, of having people reject me before I can even get to the point of fucking pushing them away like I always manage to fucking end up doing. I'm sick of being a fucking worthless piece of shit whose only apparent use in the universe is to take up and waste space, matter and energy and drag everyone I fucking know down with me. And I'm fucking sick of being told to get over it and stop whining. I'll fucking whine if I want. I'm tired of you whining about how your girlfriend broke up with you, how you're poor, how you've got shitty relatives, how much your job sucks ass(Oh fuck, I'd like to see that job interview... Me staring at my fucking feet, twitching and fucking stumbling over every other word. Joy), how you're too fat, how you're always hungry, how you're always bored, etc. I don't usually tell you to just get over it, so goddamn it, quit telling me that. If I could just get over it, I would have done it FUCKING YEARS ago.
You know what I want? I want to destroy myself. Destroy every little bit of my personality, every fucking shitty little thing that makes me me, just take it all and flush it down the toilet and be rid of it forever and just be perfectly fucking normal and boring. Talk about clothes and makeup and boys and useless trivial bullshit gossip with my hoarde of giggling, stupid airhead friends that I'm just as stupid and giggling as and major in something trendy and cutesy like literature, and spend all my damn time shopping and being a drooling consumer whore. Listen to normal music, do normal things, think normal thoughts instead of spending hours lost in some fantasy world with situations I'm making up in my head to fill the holes, have normal friends, just be fucking boring and normal. Go be a secretary or something. Just completely wipe out who I am, and be normal. But I fucking can't. I can't just cease to exist, I can't just erase myself. I just wish to hell I could. -_-