[Sgt_Shligger]

This is my first fan-fiction... group fan-fics don't count. I have a long way to go with this but I might as well get my first section up. Comments are appreciated

Legend of the White Delesaber

Chapter 1

"Cap... Cap... Cap! Wake up already, it's 3pm and your not even out of bed!"
"Wha- what? Gem... I'll be up in... five more---"
Before he can finish his sentence, Gem splashes water into the formerly sleeping Caption's face with a rather predictable outcome. A quick yell is chased by a loud *thud* caused from Cap rolling off the couch.


"You could have just got an alarm..."

"If it was the other way around, what would you do?"

"...Meh, I'd have gotten more water."


While Gem begins to fume about her roommate's last comment, said roommate trudges over to the walk-in closet and steps in. It doesn't take long for him to get annoyed looking for one of his few outfits in what seems to be an ocean of Gem's clothing. "Where are my cloths? How am I supposed to find a damn thing in here with all your crap?" From outside the closet, Gem yells back, "Well, if you can't find your cloths then you'll be stuck wearing my 'crap' Mr. Flash. Open your eyes for a minute and look!" And as if seemingly cued from Gem's remark, Cap locates his outfit. All three articles, nearly hidden in the back of the closet, are quickly removed from their respective hangers and put on.


* * * *


Fully, suited up, Cap cannot resist looking at himself in the closet's door mirror. He's sporting a pair of white boots followed by white pants and a studded black belt. Almost touching the floor is a white leather trench coat that is opened up revealing a white undershirt. Looking up further reveals his face. Dark brown hair partially hiding his right eye and hanging to his neck in the back. Pale green/blue eyes with rather long eyelashes adorn his face. Cap stands six feet tall and has a rather slender build complimented by his young age of 23.


"Yeah, yeah Ms. Summers, I found It."

"Don't call me 'misses.' It makes me feel old..."

"Well, 22 is pretty old m'am."

"Stop that!"

The closet door is opened up by Gem, which causes Cap to step back.

"I was using that mirror."

"Your Neo in white, get over yourself."

"Aren't we the clever one? Your all suited up for your night time job, ay?"


Cap is obviously referring to Gem's questionable "Hunter's" getup. Thigh highs, short shorts, and a mini shirt, all blue, make her look more like a hooker to Cap then a Hunter. She possesses long blonde hair that falls to her back, a thorough tan, shining blue eyes, and a pouty lip which begins to speak.

"Shut up. Now let's go."

"Polite this morning, aren't we? Where are we going anyways?"

Gem's next phrase is said with a dash of sarcasm.

"To the Hunter's Guild for some easy money."

"Alright, I know."

"Oh, wait, we can't because you aren't officially registered with the place. We'll be going down on Ragol for some item searches."

"How fun..."

"When you get a Section ID, we can actually do something for some faster money."


The pair step out of Gem's apartment and starts off to the Ragol telepad. Upon arrival, Cap has to say something. "I'm hungry-" Gem is inputting the telepad's destination and is obviously irritated at Cap's statement. "You could have woke up earlier, grabbed something before we left or said something on the way here. You'll be fine." With a frown, Cap walks into the telepad and the pair is whisked into the forest.

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: SgtShligger on 2006-08-07 18:32 ]</font>

[DonRoyale]

B-b-b-b-b-b-but the RP thread...

Good story, I like comedic fanfics (I like action more though :3)

[CupOfCoffee]

I like this; it's a promising start. The descriptions of characters' actions are often cleverly phrased or just plain funny, which is great.

Am I right in guessing you typed this for the first time in the forum posting box? I'd recommend against that a good 99% of the time even if your chapter is only a paragraph or two. Word processing programs are vastly better because they give you so many more options. WordPad is probably the best for writing up a story to be posted on an HTML or BBcode board because it won't give you weird noncharacters like MS Word sometimes will in place of your quotation marks or ellipses. Also, you can Find/Replace stuff.

Another thing I noticed that could use improvement is your formatting. You want whatever you write to appear as professional as possible, correct? Take some pointers from published novels and things. Each new paragraph and line of dialogue is indented (which usually just translates to a double return on message boards). It makes everything easier to read and look less intimidating and jumbled upon first glance.

Finally, watch the grammatical mistakes that a spell checker won't catch. I noticed a few instances of "your" instead of "you're," for example.

Overall, a really good start. I like your idiosyncratic characters a lot. I will warn, however, that many readers will have a hard time taking a cool, young, good-looking character who bears even a slight similarity to Neo seriously because it's been so done-to-death and is often misused and abused. Most people tend to want a little more intellectual meat with their potatoes.

Edit: Also, it's spelled "Delsaber."

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: CupOfCoffee on 2006-08-06 10:58 ]</font>

[MsXiou]

what does idiosyncratic mean.Im clueless

[Foxix]

I have been wondering the same thing I would have asked first but I didn't want to feel stupid being the only one not knowing...

[HUnewearl_Meira]

Stickied.

[MEIRA-EDIT] Fixed.



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: HUnewearl_Meira on 2006-08-10 08:02 ]</font>

[Sgt_Shligger]

Anyways, I had a hard time writing this chapter since the Forest isn't really exciting... and the mood changes a bit but, then again, fighting isn't usually funny >.>

The Legend of the White Delesaber

Chapter 2

In the blink of an eye, Gem and Cap arrive in the Forest and begin to scout the room for anything useful.

"Gem, by the way, you got a---"

"Nope, you'll have to find a weapon. Check those crates."


Rather displeased, Cap walks over to the crates in hopes of getting a decent weapon. "Forest crates never carry anything good. . ." With one swift kick, the first of the two crates is opened revealing a technique disk. Out of curiosity, Gem glances over at Cap with a chuckle. "Leaving that tech disk there? You could use that!" With an annoyed look, Cap shatters the next crate in hope of something of use for himself and is rather satisfied when an orange box appears. Without any hesitation, the box is opened and to Cap's mood changes to utter dissatisfaction. The weapon is a Cane.


"Well, shit."

"Let's just get going Cap."

Gem whips out two modified Railguns from seemingly nowhere while Cap reluctantly holds of his Cane.

"You really need both of those? C'mon, all I got is this Cane."

"If I loan you one of these, I'll never get it back. . . you'll end up breaking it."

"Those are still working aren't they? And not every weapon I make---"

"Yeah, well are you carrying a weapon now?"

". . . Let's just go."


The Boomas start digging out of the ground while wolves show up from the bushes. Gem begins walking forward, firing away with deadly accuracy while Cap stays at the room's entrance tinkering with the Cane. "Hey, at least do something!" Ignoring this last statement, Cap rips the Cane's head off revealing the weapon's internal wiring, which is quickly rewired. The photon spot on the cane head's glows brightly and brings a smile to Cap's face. The glowing head is pocketed as Cap steps forward with the metal rod held in two hands. Unfortunately, there are almost no enemies left to fight.


"You could have saved some for me."

"You could've been a little quicker."


Luckily for Cap, a Booma begins to walk up to him obviously looking for a meal. Unluckily for the Booma, it can't see the fact his "meal" is holding a metal rod and waiting to swing it. The poor creature steps within range, leveling it's claw. Cap gives a skull busting swing to the Booma's head causing a sickening cracking noise and a small blood spurt. Cap glances at his pipe revealing the killing blow he delivered bent his weapon. With one swift motion, the bent pipe is thrown across the room into the final Booma. A loud *PING* is followed up by a red photon shot that travels straight through the Booma's head and into the wall. Without a word, both Hunters search the room for anything of value and move on.


"Cap, this will be the last room so actually do something."

"I didn't have a decent weapon. You find anything in the last room?"

With slight hesitation, Gem throws Cap two orange boxes, one containing a broken Autogun while the other holds a single Dagger.

"I see you gave me the items with the least value."

"We make less money if you trash good weapons."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is an easy fix anyway."


Cap powers off his Dagger and cracks it in two revealing some wires while the Autogun has it's side panel ripped off exposing a circuit board. With a few quick motions, the powered off Dagger is loaded into the Autogun filling the space the side panel once covered giving the gun a rather strange look. The Dagger is powered back on and causes the dead photon rod to glow a teal color. Pistols in hand, the pair walks into the next and final room with some better luck. Three Hildbears and a Hildblue show up. Within a flash, Gem clashes her Railguns together causing a red curved blade to come out the front of each. "Ok Cap, I admit, these have to be the only weapons you've made that actually stayed together." With a smirk, Cap takes the Cane head he pocketed earlier and comments on Gem's last statement. "It's truly unfortunate that everything I make can't last." Upon hearing these words, Gem charges one of the Hildbears and wildly slashes at it with her gun-blades while Cap levels his modded pistol to the second Hildbear's head.


"Let's see. . . this gun should have three shots until it drains the Dagger's photon supply."

"I really don't care, just get to work."


The pistols trigger is squeezed with Cap receiving some massive recoil and the Hildbear receiving a large photon shot to the head, which incinerates its horn. "I missed? I need to practice more often. . ." Another squeeze leaves the Hildbear with half a head, while blood, bone, and brain fly in the air. Gem on the other has simply mauled the other one. "So Cap, you got these?" The Hildblue and Hildbear are walking up to Cap, side by side. "Oh yes Gem, I got this." With a quick motion, the Cane head is sent soaring through the air in the monsters' direction while Cap aims his gun for one final shot. "Boom." The final teal blast shatters the pistol and nails the glowing Cane head that is still airborne resulting in a huge explosion of green fire. When the smoke clears, all that remains are bits and pieces of the Hildbear's, bloodstains, and charred grass. "Cap, grab that Hildblue's head! It didn't get destroyed!" Sure enough, the head somehow managed to stay intact after the great explosion. The process of collecting everything in the room is repeated and the pair head back to Pioneer Two.



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: SgtShligger on 2006-08-10 16:07 ]</font>

[Sgt_Shligger]

Well, I am still rather disappointed with my second chapter but it was needed... stupid seriousness. It my remaining chapters, I will do my best to keep this story as non-serious as possible >_> The only other thing I can add is when I use meseta in the story, the exchange rate is 1 to 1 to keep things simple. This is the second last chapter. Last one is going to be rather long. I appreciate any comments


*EDIT* Coffee, tell me if I am right or not. By saying my character's are idosyncratic, you mean they are peculiar and out of character for the stereotypes they protray? I am not fully sure about the meaning

The Legend of the White Delesaber

Chapter 3

"Hey, Gem."

"Yeah?"

"I'm still hungry. . ."

"Meh, have this."


Gem tosses Cap a green box, which is opened as fast as it was received dropping out a small quadratic bar. "A Monomate©? These things taste terrible!" With a slightly amused look, Gem comments, "It fills you up and cures pain." Although Gem is right about the foods ability to satisfy hunger while dulling pain, it remains a flavorless rectangular bar with a bitter taste, leaving a dry, pasty feeling in your mouth.


"Why don't you have a Monomate©?"

"Well, I already ate. Those things taste terrible anyway!"


Gem begins to laugh while Cap slowly chews his Monomate© in disgust, making slight cringes with every bite. By the time the last agonizing bite of the near intolerable energy bar is swallowed, the pair have arrived back at Gem's apartment. The instant after Gem unlocks her apartment door, Cap dashes inside, desperately looking for something. . . "Cap, what the Hell are you doing?"
Before she can get an answer, her roomie dumps the contents of her cookie jar all over the counter and is piling them into his mouth.
"They really don't taste that bad---" Upon saying this, Gem has a flashback of the bars actual taste, shuddering at the mere thought. Without hesitation, she runs over by Cap, grabbing the only cure for the memory. . . a cookie. While her friend continues to devour every cookie in sight, Gem slowly holds up each cookie while her face retains a slightly paranoid look.


The cookie jar's content barely endures a few minutes of this abuse before it's supply depleted. That is really no problem for our friends who seem rather filled up, satisfied, and ridded of the God-awful taste that is a 'Mate.


“Ok, we have on more thing to do.”

“Yeah, let’s get to it.”

Although their run through the Forest was rather short, they gained a fairly sizable amount of items. Consisting mainly of old weapons and armor, it still has some monetary value. With this fact in mind, Gem and Cap head off to the shops to pawn off their findings.

* * * *


Every item is put up for the shopkeeper, leaving the pair with a very strong anger at the ‘keeper’s offer. “All this crap is only worth 83 meseta!?”
“Hey, hey, hey! Take it or leave it!”
With a downcast expression, Gem hands over the items and receives the meager reward. “You didn’t even count this Hildblue head!”
“That thing? It ain’t worth nothin’. Although there is a guy who pays for that kinda stu---“
In unison, Cap and Gem yell: “Where!?”
“Whoa! I don’t know where but his name’s Montague.”
Gem’s face shows some excitement as she speaks, “Dr. Montague? The man who creates weapons from monster body parts?”
Cap on the other hand is trying to recover any bit of information about the doctor. “Isn’t he that Fonewm guy with the freaky android that attracts Mags?”
Before an answer can be provided, Gem grabs Cap’s hand and begins dragging him. “Yo, where the Hell are we going?”
“Montague is at the Principal’s office today! We could reach him!”
“Oh, well who cares. . . wait, he pays for this Hildblue head!”


It takes only a few minutes to reach the Principal’s office from their recent location in the shops. Upon arrival, Dr. Montague is sitting in a chair chatting with one of Tyrell’s secretaries. Montague, who has sited the pair, decides to speak first.
“Heh, Good evening! Allow me to introduce myself, I am---“
“Dr. Montague, one of Pioneer 2’s greatest minds! It’s an honor to meet you!” Gem blurts out in excitement.
“Yeah, an honor.” Cap says dejectedly.
“You appear to have been in a, heh he, hurry to get here so what is it that you, heh heh, need?”
At the moment Montague ends his sentence, Gem whips out the Hildblue head, anticipation in her eyes. “Here!”
Montague quickly accepts the large head and begins to speak. “Amazing! These things are so hard to come by. . . but it’s a darn shame really, heh heh.”
“What?” Cap almost snaps.
“Well, this thing is looking great but. . . well, heh.” Montague holds the head’s bottom to our friends, causing their spirits to drop. The head is completely hollow.
“I couldn’t work with this thing anyway and besides, you caught me at a rather bad time for something like this, heh heh. I’m away from my tools.”
Cap is squeezing his fist in anger while Gem looks like she is about to cry. “Although I do have a Guild mission for you if you are willing to take it. It’s for the recovery of a certain creature, heh. . .”
“Yeah? What could we even get out of it anyways?” Cap says with a hint of sarcasm.
“Heh heh, he last few teams couldn’t get it done. Couldn’t even find the creature and had some severe trouble with the enemies.”
“They were probably a bunch a newbies looking for some easy money.” Replies Cap.
“If you’re talking about easy money, it’s more than a pretty penny. The reward is 100,000 meseta.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah--- 100k for that!? Cap says in almost disbelief. Gem’s eyes light up at the sound. “Wow! Y- you can afford that?”
“Well, heh heh, yes. I really don’t have the time to go down on Ragol and do that but by putting out the right reward, people are bound to do it for me. In fact, you two could actually do it if you wanted to. . . just head up the Hunter’s Guild and look for the mission, heh heh.”
“We would love to!” Gem shouts.
“This will be easy.” Cap states.
“I hope to see you there tomorrow, heh heh.”
Upon hearing this, the pair leaves the office in high spirits.

* * * *

“Wait a minute. . . I don’t have a section I.D.!”

“No! There has got to be some way we can get you one. . . that money.”

“Yeah, I know. . . Well, I can’t officially register with the Hunter’s Guild. . . wait, that’s a great idea!”

“What’s your plan?”

“Things like Section I.D. s are sold on the black market. They cost a pretty penny but we’re talking 100k here.”

“Ok, but where are we going to find someone like this?”

“We should head to the Oran district, there’s a good chance we’ll find someone there.”

Without hesitation, both hunters head off to a shuttle that leads to Oran. They begin searching the streets for anyone who looks the least bit shady with little luck. Right before they give up, they see a man in a brown trench coat, duster, and sunglasses. Before they can take a step forward, the man beats them to it.
“I see you don’t have an I.D. girly man.”
“What did you---“ Gem cuts Cap off signaling this will probably be their only chance. If looks could kill. . .
“Yeah, I need one. What you got?”
The man opens the right side of his trench coat revealing a handful of Section I.D. s.
“Which would you like? I have Skyly, Greennill, Yellowboze, and Whitill. Same price for any of them.”
“And the price is---” Says Gem.
“Right! Sorry, had to.” Cap blurts.
“1500 meseta.”
Gem’s heart drops after hearing this while Cap is about to explode. The two huddle together and converse about the situation.

“Gem, where can we get that money?”

”Well, I do have some money saved in my bank but---“

“We aren’t going to fail this mission, and besides, after we finish it, money won’t even be an issue!”

“Yeah. . . well, I gotta run up to the bank.”

The two turn around, facing the shady man once more. “So, are you buying or not?”
“Yeah, we’re buying but we need to get the money, we’ll be back in ten minutes.”
“That’s fine but make it quick, I’m not waiting forever.”


Gem and Cap arrive at the bank, Gem withdrawing money. “This better be worth it. . . all I have in here is 1460. The small amount of money we made today is barely going to help us cover it.”
“Don’t worry Gem, we got this. Just think towards the future.”
This phrase is all Gem needs to hear as she withdraws her savings. The pair quickly head back to find the man looking at his watch. “So, did you bring the money?”
“Yeah, we brought it.”
Cap holds out the small yellow cube while the man nods. “Ok, take your pick.”
“Uh. . . I’ll take the Whitill.”
The man hands over the I.D. clip while Cap hands over the money. The man walks off without a word as do our friends. They get back on the shuttle and head straight home.

* * * *

“Damn, we got a lot done today Gem.”

“We did but now we gotta rest. Mission should be pretty tough tomorrow.”

“Nothing is too tough. But we should be rested.”

Gem heads back to her room while Cap gets out of his cloths, onto the couch and sets an alarm. . . . . .




<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: SgtShligger on 2006-08-10 02:30 ]</font>

[Sgt_Shligger]

Damn it, this took me too long >_>
I'm still not done but I will hopefully be able to finish this by tomarrow. I might as well post the first section of it now so I don't run out of time before this counts as a bump

The Legend of the White Delesaber

Chapter 4: Part 1

“What the . . .? Stupid alarm.”

With a great effort, Cap lazily stretches his hand over the couch barely nicking the alarm’s “snooze” button.

“Wake up.”

“Meh, gimme five more---”

“100k.”

Caption springs up from the couch no sooner than the words “100k” pass through Gem’s lips and into his ears.

“I can smell the money from here.”

“Don’t get too cocky, we still have to do the mission.”

“Gem, we better do a background check on that ID.”

“Oh, good thinking. . . For once.”


The blonde Hunewearl takes the Whitill ID out and powers it on revealing a small hologram of text that causes Gem to drop to the floor, crying in laughter. “What’s so funny?” Gem weakly points to the ID, still giggling hysterically. Cap picks up the ID and begins to read off the data and realizes the cause of Gem’s sudden outburst.
“This is a Fomarl ID!” Finally summoning the strength to stand up, Gem looks at Cap still rather amused. “You don’t find that funny?” A rather unamused look dawns on Cap’s face revealing his. . . unamusment. “No, I don’t. How are we going to pull this off now? Last time I checked, I’m not a force or a woman.” Gem places her hand on her chin and begins to look Cap up and down, slowly nodding.
“What are you--- No! There is no way I am going to do that!” The Hunewearl’s eyes stop, meeting Caption’s. “Here, look at it this way, it’s either your pride or money.” Upon hearing this, Cap takes his left and right hand, slowly balancing them back and forth, mumbling the words “Pride, money, pride, money. . .”
Crossing her arms, Gem asks one more time. “What’ll it be, Cap?”
Letting out a long sigh cap mutters. “Do you have any white?”
“That’s the spirit!”


Gem drags a reluctant Cap into the walk-in closet and starts off. “Dang, we’re lucky you have such an effeminate build on you. Your shoulders are no wider than mine!” Still downcast about the entire situation, Cap replies. “Yeah, yeah, let’s just get on with this. . .”
With fluid motions Gem sifts through her hulking array of clothing, quickly locating two Fomarl robes, one white and pink and the other purple and white. She gleefully holds them up to Cap and starts to speak. “Ok, which one would you like?” Looking back and forth at his only choices Cap snatches the white and pink robe and points to the door. “This is humiliating enough and I don’t want you watching.” A chuckle escapes Gem’s lips as she walks out of the closet and back into the living room.
Only a few seconds pass before Cap yells out. “You can come back in. . .” Gem reopens the door and begins to giggle uncontrollably as she walks behind Cap. “You need to pull these back---” Gem is referring to the interlaced drawstrings that go from the robes shoulders and down to the lower back.
Without a word, Gem plants her foot on Cap’s back, and grabs a hold of both drawstrings. “What are you---” Before an answer can be given, Gem yanks both strings back which cuts off Cap’s breath and effectively makes his waist significantly thinner than his hips. Cap, still short of breath, manages to cough out. “You. . . could’ve warned me. . . about that.” A bright smile comes to Gem’s face as she speaks.
“Well, I thought of the phrase ‘If it were the other way around, what would you do?’ I simply did what you would’ve done if this were the other way around.”

Finally getting back to normal breathing Cap replies. “You pulled harder. . .”
“Yep. Now we need to get to work on you face.” Gem pushes Cap over to a vanity stool, wasting no time getting to work on his face and hair.
Roughly a half hour goes by and Gem steps back and yells. “Done!” Cap slowly stands up and walks over to the door mirror causing his eyes to open in slight shock when he looks at himself.
His eyelashes appear to be fluttering every time he blinks while his lips seem to shine. The face is completed with some small strands of hair draping over his right eye and a ponytail. “Ok Ms. Flash, let’s get going!” More hysteric laughter comes from Gem leaving Cap rather annoyed. “Let’s just get this over with.” Cap straps on his boots and follows Gem out the door with a gloomy expression on his face.


* * * * *

Gem skips down the streets with a broad smile on her face while Cap on the other hand keeps his arms perpendicular to the ground and is quietly chanting “I’m still a man, I’m still a man, I’m still a man. . . “ Having no problem/care about Cap’s current identity crisis, Gem continues on towards the guild. “Hey good lookin’, what’s cookin’?” The pair turns around quickly meeting up with two rather decent looking Humars. Gem blondely points to herself and says ditsfully “Oh, me?”
“Um, no way, we’re talking about your friend.” Upon hearing this, Gem slumps down and glares at Cap. “You’re joking, right?” Seeing this sudden outburst by Gem, Cap seizes the moment. Placing his left hand on his hip and his right to his mouth, he blows a kiss to the Humars. Shortly after, he undoes his ponytail, slowly swings his head to spin his hair around then runs his fingers through it while leaning back.
Gem, very agitated about the situation, starts to pull him Cap away. . . although he manages to wink back to the Humars receiving a wave in return.

Now Cap is slowly strutting down the street, redoing his ponytail as he goes while Gem squeezes her hands together, fuming about the encounter. “Oh, is something bothering you Ms. Summers?” Looking back up, Gem replies. “Hmm, what could it be. You know exactly why I’m mad!” With this said, Cap puts his hand to his chin and fakes a puzzled look.

“Wait, is it because I’m a better looking woman than you? I mean, they obviously made the better choice. . .

“You were just leading them on to piss me off! You not gay, you’re just really, really vein.”

“Hey, it’s hard looking this good, especially since, you know, I’m a guy.”

“Ok Cap, just shut up, let’s get on to the guild.”

“What ever you say, ma’am.”


________________


Be done later >_>