Sgt_Shligger
Feb 4, 2007, 01:57 AM
Well, I am writing a fan-fiction soon but I want to get better at writing. . . What better way to get better at writing then to write http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif
I'm basically using this thread *secretly* to practice writing, mostly fight scenes. I would love critiques on how I'm doing.
If you want to view the thread clicky. . . I case you want more info you can read that or check out the "FKL deathmatch again?" thread. http://pso-world.com/viewtopic.php?topic=134459&forum=14&25
*Fight one*
Shlig looked around the FKL pub, just another standard day. . . People of every type, elitist, heroes, studs, knights, and everything else you can think of. "Wow, why the Hell would anyone wanna come here? This place is a dump."
Rather thirsty, Shlig walk up to the bar and prepares to order a drink but bumps into Sir Dizzalicous, causing him to spill his beer.
"WHO HATH SPILLED THY BEER?"
"Oh shi-, um. . . It was all that Humar's fault!"
"I thankith thee! And to the man who hath spilled my beverage, THOU SHALT PERISH! FOR THE ALLIANCE!"
The accused Humar looks up to see a knight charging at him with a Morning Star. "!!!" Right before Diz can smash his skull, another Humar shows up, wearing tan clothing, blocking the strike with his Zanba.
"Is there a problem here?"
"This man hath spilled my beer!
"What? He spilled you beer and you were going to smash his head in with a mace? AT LEAST USE YOUR FIST!" The enraged 'hero' turns around and glares at the Humar. "What the Hell is wrong with you, little punk!" Our 'hero' backhands the orange Humar in the lip, causing him to fly backwards into a wall. The bystanders don't even give a passing glance at the fight and simply continue what they were doing.
The two warriors proceed to chastise the Humar while
the entire time, Shlig watches the 'fight' continue. "Huh, better him then me. . . Poor critter couldn't even talk his way out of it."
*Fighte two*
*Hope Y'all like this. This may be the longest fight but don't expect them all to be this way. And without further ado, the fight.*
After the severe beating on the Humar, Diz walked back up to the bar, along with Tylor, sat down, and proceeded to order a drink from the mustached bartender, Smithy. "Oh, sorry Sir but we're out of GOD."
Something about this statement doesn't register into Sir Dizzalicious's head. "What areth thee saying?" Calmly, the bartender replies "Look, we are out of GOD."
Diz smashes his mace onto the counter in rage. "DOES THOU CHALLENGE ME?" Taylor doesn't even hesitate and launches a ball of lighting from his hand but it is deflected by Smithy's mustahce and at Dizzy. The knight pulls out his magic shield which deflects the lighting ball into Tylor, knocking the Humar backwards into a man clothed in an anime heroes outfit to the most meager detail.
Smithy twirls his mustache, takes off his top hat, and strikes a martial arts stance. "FOR THE ALLIANCE!" Dizzalicious charges at Smithy, Morning Star held high and shield to the side. Smithy, in the meantime, reaches into his top hat and pulls out a small, plastic device--- A aged graphing calculator (the one the size of a Sega Gamegear or, for those who haven't seen one, about the size of a DVD case but thicker0. He keeps the top hat in his left hand while holding the calculator in his right.
Dizzy does a quick spin in his charge and thrusts the Morning Star forward, allowing the weapons wait to pull him forward. Smithy sees the obvious attack coming, plants his right foot back, and grabs the top hat with both hands, still holding the calculator.
He then stretches the hat much wider then its average width and Dizzy mace stabs directly into it, engulfing his weapon, and most of his arm.
"THEE BE A COWARD!" Ignoring this, Smithy tugs the hat hard, tossing Dizzy to his left. He then spins around, releasing Dizzy's arm from the hat and smacking him in the back of the head with the calculator. "You should be more careful, Sir." Smithy replies, back turned to Diz who is grabbing the back of his head in pain. "Poor knight. . . I knewith thee well." Smithy mocks.
"I'm finishing this." Smithy puts his hat back on and begins to do equations on the calculator. "Sir Dizzalicious, do you know how to divide by zero? Or better yet, guess what happens when you divide by zero?" The knight turns back at Smithy and lets out a loud yell as he throws his Morning Star at Smithy.
This is easily dodged and it smashes into a wall. "Sir, this is the end!"
Smithy punches in the keys "1, /, 0, =" and a small shock wave erupts from the calculator. A few small articles nearby get sucked into the device. Smithy throws the device and Dizzy in a swift, fluid motion.
Nearby cups, plates, sporks, GOD, chairs, and even tables are sucked into the device which is now emitting a black, swirling aura.
Dizzy holds up his magic shield just in time and, despite his efforts, gets pushed backwards, metal boots tearing the floor. The vortex eventually pushes Dizzy to a wall, and is making a loud humming noise. Dizzy plants his right foot on the wall, uses his other hand to grab the shield, and pushes forward with all his might thus shoving the vortex backwards at an incredible speed. "TAKETH THAT!"
Smithy can't even reply. The vortex tears Smithy's clothing, sking, limbs, and eventually his entire body in a matter of seconds and the hat absorbs the vortex. Nothing is left to give an inkling of Smithy's existence except the top hat which was now vibrating on the floor. Dizzy walks up to the hat, picks it up, and shakes it, causing the calculator to fall out. Upon the screen sits the image of Smithy, repeatedly banging on the calulator display. With a chuckle, Dizzy tosses the calculator in the trash.
*Fight three*
The anime/a, cookie-cutter man screams at Tylor. "What do you think you're doing? Kid, I oughta kick you ass!" Tylor replies, with a smirk. "Let's see if your puppy dog ass can backup your bulldog mouth."
Maximus whips out a large-handled green saber in his left hand and a nearly straight-bladed katana, but with blades on both edges. Tylor jumps back and brings his Zanba out.
"Let's see what you got. . . "
"Hope you live up to your words."
The two charge each other and connect blades, Max using both his swords in an X shape, engaging a lock between the weapons. Tylor looks at Max's katana as it begins to glow. Before he can say anything, Max uses the weapon to shove Tylor backwards, throwing his Zanba into the air and preparing his saber for a killing blow.
Seeing the incoming saber, Tylor swings his left arm across his body launching a wave of fire. Max plants his left foot back and absorbs the fire wave with his Anima Blade, causing it to glow brightly once more. Tylor, in the meantime, grabs his Zanba off the floor and charges at Max again.
Swing after swing is sent at Max who dodges back and forth around the pub. Max backs into a table so Tylor, seizing the opportunity, spins around, lifting the swords high and then dragging it through the floor and upwards at Max who does a backflip over the table.
The Zanba breaks the table in two, sending GOD, wood splinters, and various debris across the floor. "Sucker." Maximus laughs as he swings his charged blade through the air, launching a wave a fire onto the floor. The fire ignites the GOD on the floor, charring Tylor's clothing and some of his skin.
Max takes a few steps backward and sights a jukebox. He smirks, lays a smoke bomb, and puts on some thermal goggles. "Are you even able to back up YOUR talk? You should really check yourself." Unable to see, Tylor traces Max's voice and charges again, dragging the Zanba on the floor.
"You think you can beat me? You can't even see me!"
Seeing Tylor's charge through his thermal goggles, Max prepares to dodge. Mid-charge, Tylor swings the Zanba straight up from the ground, launching a vertical wave of fire. He does a quick turn while launching the attack and holds the Zanba high up.
Max holds out the Anima Blade and absorbs the fire wave.
Jeez, he's practically giving me energy to use. . . As long as he doesn't launch another, I can save this one and finish him with it. Can't store anymore power in this thing right now---"
"You must be a complete idiot."
The smoke clears and Tylor is only a few feet from his target. He jumps and begins a downward slash, putting as much power as he can into it. Max cartwheels to the right and Tylor's Zanba smashes into the jukebox.
The jukebox lights flash and an electric power surge is sent through the Zanba and into Tylor. After a split second, the electric shock sends Tylor flying backwards, writhing from the surge, lightning streams popping around him and his Zanba. Max simply laughs at his foe and begins speaking. "And all this time I though I'd have a real fight."
Tylor gets up. His shirt is in shreads and his arms are charred all over the place. Electricity emits from parts of his body as he stumbles over to Max, Zanba held to the side. Laughing, Max prepares for the hopeless attempt of an attack from his electrocuted foe.
Then, in a sudden burst of energy, Tylor swings his Zanba at Max who he almost caught off guard. Their blades connect again, but Max's is still glowing brightly from the fire wave.
"Can't believe you fell for that! That's pathetic!"
"I fell for that? You take a deeper look and see who was really fooled."
"What the Hell are you talking about?
"DAMZONDE!"
Tylor's arms are wrapped in electric streams which travel around his Zanba, and at Max's swords. The electric surge goes straight through Max's Anima Blade. . . It was at max capacity.
The electric surge causes Max's green saber to explode in his hand, severing it. At the same time, Max's thermal goggles explode from the electric surge, literally tearing his face off. Max's body fall to its knees, then its face, and makes a small pool of blood at Tylor's feet.
"Kid You oughta check yourself before you wreck yourself."
I'm basically using this thread *secretly* to practice writing, mostly fight scenes. I would love critiques on how I'm doing.
If you want to view the thread clicky. . . I case you want more info you can read that or check out the "FKL deathmatch again?" thread. http://pso-world.com/viewtopic.php?topic=134459&forum=14&25
*Fight one*
Shlig looked around the FKL pub, just another standard day. . . People of every type, elitist, heroes, studs, knights, and everything else you can think of. "Wow, why the Hell would anyone wanna come here? This place is a dump."
Rather thirsty, Shlig walk up to the bar and prepares to order a drink but bumps into Sir Dizzalicous, causing him to spill his beer.
"WHO HATH SPILLED THY BEER?"
"Oh shi-, um. . . It was all that Humar's fault!"
"I thankith thee! And to the man who hath spilled my beverage, THOU SHALT PERISH! FOR THE ALLIANCE!"
The accused Humar looks up to see a knight charging at him with a Morning Star. "!!!" Right before Diz can smash his skull, another Humar shows up, wearing tan clothing, blocking the strike with his Zanba.
"Is there a problem here?"
"This man hath spilled my beer!
"What? He spilled you beer and you were going to smash his head in with a mace? AT LEAST USE YOUR FIST!" The enraged 'hero' turns around and glares at the Humar. "What the Hell is wrong with you, little punk!" Our 'hero' backhands the orange Humar in the lip, causing him to fly backwards into a wall. The bystanders don't even give a passing glance at the fight and simply continue what they were doing.
The two warriors proceed to chastise the Humar while
the entire time, Shlig watches the 'fight' continue. "Huh, better him then me. . . Poor critter couldn't even talk his way out of it."
*Fighte two*
*Hope Y'all like this. This may be the longest fight but don't expect them all to be this way. And without further ado, the fight.*
After the severe beating on the Humar, Diz walked back up to the bar, along with Tylor, sat down, and proceeded to order a drink from the mustached bartender, Smithy. "Oh, sorry Sir but we're out of GOD."
Something about this statement doesn't register into Sir Dizzalicious's head. "What areth thee saying?" Calmly, the bartender replies "Look, we are out of GOD."
Diz smashes his mace onto the counter in rage. "DOES THOU CHALLENGE ME?" Taylor doesn't even hesitate and launches a ball of lighting from his hand but it is deflected by Smithy's mustahce and at Dizzy. The knight pulls out his magic shield which deflects the lighting ball into Tylor, knocking the Humar backwards into a man clothed in an anime heroes outfit to the most meager detail.
Smithy twirls his mustache, takes off his top hat, and strikes a martial arts stance. "FOR THE ALLIANCE!" Dizzalicious charges at Smithy, Morning Star held high and shield to the side. Smithy, in the meantime, reaches into his top hat and pulls out a small, plastic device--- A aged graphing calculator (the one the size of a Sega Gamegear or, for those who haven't seen one, about the size of a DVD case but thicker0. He keeps the top hat in his left hand while holding the calculator in his right.
Dizzy does a quick spin in his charge and thrusts the Morning Star forward, allowing the weapons wait to pull him forward. Smithy sees the obvious attack coming, plants his right foot back, and grabs the top hat with both hands, still holding the calculator.
He then stretches the hat much wider then its average width and Dizzy mace stabs directly into it, engulfing his weapon, and most of his arm.
"THEE BE A COWARD!" Ignoring this, Smithy tugs the hat hard, tossing Dizzy to his left. He then spins around, releasing Dizzy's arm from the hat and smacking him in the back of the head with the calculator. "You should be more careful, Sir." Smithy replies, back turned to Diz who is grabbing the back of his head in pain. "Poor knight. . . I knewith thee well." Smithy mocks.
"I'm finishing this." Smithy puts his hat back on and begins to do equations on the calculator. "Sir Dizzalicious, do you know how to divide by zero? Or better yet, guess what happens when you divide by zero?" The knight turns back at Smithy and lets out a loud yell as he throws his Morning Star at Smithy.
This is easily dodged and it smashes into a wall. "Sir, this is the end!"
Smithy punches in the keys "1, /, 0, =" and a small shock wave erupts from the calculator. A few small articles nearby get sucked into the device. Smithy throws the device and Dizzy in a swift, fluid motion.
Nearby cups, plates, sporks, GOD, chairs, and even tables are sucked into the device which is now emitting a black, swirling aura.
Dizzy holds up his magic shield just in time and, despite his efforts, gets pushed backwards, metal boots tearing the floor. The vortex eventually pushes Dizzy to a wall, and is making a loud humming noise. Dizzy plants his right foot on the wall, uses his other hand to grab the shield, and pushes forward with all his might thus shoving the vortex backwards at an incredible speed. "TAKETH THAT!"
Smithy can't even reply. The vortex tears Smithy's clothing, sking, limbs, and eventually his entire body in a matter of seconds and the hat absorbs the vortex. Nothing is left to give an inkling of Smithy's existence except the top hat which was now vibrating on the floor. Dizzy walks up to the hat, picks it up, and shakes it, causing the calculator to fall out. Upon the screen sits the image of Smithy, repeatedly banging on the calulator display. With a chuckle, Dizzy tosses the calculator in the trash.
*Fight three*
The anime/a, cookie-cutter man screams at Tylor. "What do you think you're doing? Kid, I oughta kick you ass!" Tylor replies, with a smirk. "Let's see if your puppy dog ass can backup your bulldog mouth."
Maximus whips out a large-handled green saber in his left hand and a nearly straight-bladed katana, but with blades on both edges. Tylor jumps back and brings his Zanba out.
"Let's see what you got. . . "
"Hope you live up to your words."
The two charge each other and connect blades, Max using both his swords in an X shape, engaging a lock between the weapons. Tylor looks at Max's katana as it begins to glow. Before he can say anything, Max uses the weapon to shove Tylor backwards, throwing his Zanba into the air and preparing his saber for a killing blow.
Seeing the incoming saber, Tylor swings his left arm across his body launching a wave of fire. Max plants his left foot back and absorbs the fire wave with his Anima Blade, causing it to glow brightly once more. Tylor, in the meantime, grabs his Zanba off the floor and charges at Max again.
Swing after swing is sent at Max who dodges back and forth around the pub. Max backs into a table so Tylor, seizing the opportunity, spins around, lifting the swords high and then dragging it through the floor and upwards at Max who does a backflip over the table.
The Zanba breaks the table in two, sending GOD, wood splinters, and various debris across the floor. "Sucker." Maximus laughs as he swings his charged blade through the air, launching a wave a fire onto the floor. The fire ignites the GOD on the floor, charring Tylor's clothing and some of his skin.
Max takes a few steps backward and sights a jukebox. He smirks, lays a smoke bomb, and puts on some thermal goggles. "Are you even able to back up YOUR talk? You should really check yourself." Unable to see, Tylor traces Max's voice and charges again, dragging the Zanba on the floor.
"You think you can beat me? You can't even see me!"
Seeing Tylor's charge through his thermal goggles, Max prepares to dodge. Mid-charge, Tylor swings the Zanba straight up from the ground, launching a vertical wave of fire. He does a quick turn while launching the attack and holds the Zanba high up.
Max holds out the Anima Blade and absorbs the fire wave.
Jeez, he's practically giving me energy to use. . . As long as he doesn't launch another, I can save this one and finish him with it. Can't store anymore power in this thing right now---"
"You must be a complete idiot."
The smoke clears and Tylor is only a few feet from his target. He jumps and begins a downward slash, putting as much power as he can into it. Max cartwheels to the right and Tylor's Zanba smashes into the jukebox.
The jukebox lights flash and an electric power surge is sent through the Zanba and into Tylor. After a split second, the electric shock sends Tylor flying backwards, writhing from the surge, lightning streams popping around him and his Zanba. Max simply laughs at his foe and begins speaking. "And all this time I though I'd have a real fight."
Tylor gets up. His shirt is in shreads and his arms are charred all over the place. Electricity emits from parts of his body as he stumbles over to Max, Zanba held to the side. Laughing, Max prepares for the hopeless attempt of an attack from his electrocuted foe.
Then, in a sudden burst of energy, Tylor swings his Zanba at Max who he almost caught off guard. Their blades connect again, but Max's is still glowing brightly from the fire wave.
"Can't believe you fell for that! That's pathetic!"
"I fell for that? You take a deeper look and see who was really fooled."
"What the Hell are you talking about?
"DAMZONDE!"
Tylor's arms are wrapped in electric streams which travel around his Zanba, and at Max's swords. The electric surge goes straight through Max's Anima Blade. . . It was at max capacity.
The electric surge causes Max's green saber to explode in his hand, severing it. At the same time, Max's thermal goggles explode from the electric surge, literally tearing his face off. Max's body fall to its knees, then its face, and makes a small pool of blood at Tylor's feet.
"Kid You oughta check yourself before you wreck yourself."