dealing with a depressed friend.

[Alisha]

ok i have a friend that is in a near constant state of depression who shall remain nameless. on their good days i greatly enjoy talking to this person on msn and it can be a highlight of my day. when i first met this person they complained about being abandoned by supposed friends,and on this persons bad days its very easy to see why these people did this. on these days i would very much like to knock this person out or just log out of msn,but i dont want to become one of the abandoners. however dealing with this person on bad days can be very painful for me. and it pisses me off that this person lumps me with the abandoners when i have tried to make it clear that i dont intend on doing that. the uncertainty of this makes me not even want to log onto msn some days. that same uncertainty also makes it hard to stay mad at this person as well. anyways maybee now that i've gotten that out of my system i can relax a little.

[omegapirate2k]

Well, if this person is your friend then you have an obligation to help them through their problems, I've had to deal with this many times and the best you can do is help them ride it out with positive reinforcement, they should feel better.

[ABDUR101]

1) Make sure you're not a sympathy sponge that they only goto when they need their own little ego-boost for the day.
2) Tell them that they need to get over their hang-ups about YOU abandoning them, and that when they lump you in with such people, it's a slap to you as their friend and the things you do for them(it's being unappreciative, as if the world and YOU owe them something)

It's very hard when you care about someone and they almost backhand you with somethings they say, because they're worried about losing you, but there is a line and you just need to offer your own smack to reality back to them. Don't be anyone's emotional bitch, you're not their babysitter, you're their friend, friendships are based on respect, and respect is a two-way street.

[BlueDagger]

get straight to the point: Tell him that is he doesn't quit whining you be forced to abondon him too. Think of yourself, not him. If he wants to keep being all depressed after you tell him that, then abondon him. You might feel sad that you abondoned your friend at first, but eventually you'll realize its a releif not to have to deal with it anymore.

Then again, I don't know whow long you've known this person, maybe he's some sort of long-time friend that you can't get away from if you wanted to.
But sometimes you just need to stop worrying about other peoples' feeling and think of yourself.

[UnderscoreX]

On 2007-04-03 05:19, Alisha wrote:
when i first met this person they complained about being abandoned by supposed friends,and on this persons bad days its very easy to see why these people did this.

Might be because i've been up all night, but I burst out laughing at that.
Anyways, your friend is emo, it happens. And if you just keep listening to him/her complain, then they're just going to keep doing it. You could either try to cheer them up, if as that guy said the person is a close friend or something, or just start to slowly drift away...

[Siertes]

This person really seems like an attention seeker. If he/she was really tired of people abandoning him, he/she probably wouldn't even bother with others anymore. They certainly wouldn't complain about it over and over again to you or somebody else.

There is something this person is getting out of this process. Confront them, figure it out, and knock some sense into their thick skulls.

[Garroway]

I hate pitty mongers. If I were you I might even question whether or not the "abandoners" even existed in the first place or if it's simply a mechanism for shaming you into feeling sympathy.

[foamcup]

Man, I got a friend like that, she wants to bitch and moan all time. "OH, my job is too hard, my boyfriend is in prison, god hates me, my dad is dead. First off, her dad died like 6 months ago, I mean, damn, get over it. My grandpa died two months ago, I don't go around seeking sympathy. Her boyfriend violated his parole. Dude was in prison for stabbing someone and stealing their car. This is the first job she's had (note: she's 23) I tell her to stop drinking and fucking all the time and grow up, then just log out.

Ask this friend if they want some cheese with their whine. Just ignore him.

[Drayma]

So try and change the subject and if he/she doesn't like it they are manic manipulative and hopefully you haven't given to much of your personal info to them.

[hollowtip]

Damn, some of you guys are harsh. If he/she is chronically depressed, it might be due to a condition that hasn't been properly diagnosed. I'm definitely not a psychologist, but negative reinforcement (such as threatening to do the EXACT thing that concerns her) should never be exercised with someone as sensitive as this.

With that being said, there's one thing you need to understand:

No amount of words or counceling is going to change how this person feels. I understand that your friend may be dragging you down when he/she acts this way, but you also have to understand that this person doesn't actively choose to feel the way they do. Don't enable her/him, but as a friend, I think you have a duty (or obligation as someone posted previously) to try and help your friend conquer the fears they have.

Obviously, if your friend is just leeching off your kindness and unwilling to change the behavior (whether it's admitting he/she has insecurity issues or getting properly diagnosed by a doctor), there is nothing you can really do, and if it is really stifling your own wellbeing or happiness, then maybe you guys aren't really supposed to be friends in the first place.

[Sinue_v2]

on their good days i greatly enjoy talking to this person on msn and it can be a highlight of my day.

If chatting with someone on MSN is the highlight of your day, then I think you need to seriously reassess what you do durring your day. If you know them IRL, then go visit them - or call them... go out and do something fun together. If it's just some "internet personality", then don't worry. They come and go like the wind, and in a few years you probably won't even keep in contact with said person - and you'll regret getting all worked up over some trivial bullshit pitty-party they were trying to host, with you as the guest of honor.

[Jive18]

On 2007-04-03 17:53, foamcup wrote:
First off, her dad died like 6 months ago, I mean, damn, get over it.



If either of my parents passed away, it would take me far longer than 6 months to feel some closure. Granted, I don't know this girl and the relationship she had with her father, but that statement seems extremely harsh.

Be encouraging rather than unsympathetic. I have friend that struggled with very low self-esteem for years, and I never let his attitude effect me personally. Instead, I tried to be encouraging; eventually he became positive about himself.

[BlueDagger]

On 2007-04-03 18:35, hollowtip wrote:
Damn, some of you guys are harsh. If he/she is chronically depressed, it might be due to a condition that hasn't been properly diagnosed. I'm definitely not a psychologist, but negative reinforcement (such as threatening to do the EXACT thing that concerns her) should never be exercised with someone as sensitive as this.

With that being said, there's one thing you need to understand:

No amount of words or counceling is going to change how this person feels. I understand that your friend may be dragging you down when he/she acts this way, but you also have to understand that this person doesn't actively choose to feel the way they do. Don't enable her/him, but as a friend, I think you have a duty (or obligation as someone posted previously) to try and help your friend conquer the fears they have.

Obviously, if your friend is just leeching off your kindness and unwilling to change the behavior (whether it's admitting he/she has insecurity issues or getting properly diagnosed by a doctor), there is nothing you can really do, and if it is really stifling your own wellbeing or happiness, then maybe you guys aren't really supposed to be friends in the first place.



There is no such thing as depression, only whiney idiots and emos. A docter is just going to try to get as much of your money as possible by prescribing you a bunch of happy-pills.

Sometimes I feel depressed, but I'm just being whiney and I need to either kill myself or get over it.
If all this friend does is whine about how he/she is scared you're going to abondon them, then tell them to shut the fuck up. And, as I stated before, tell them that if they continue to whine you're going to abondon them as well.

I used to know someone sort of similer to this:

Most of the socializing time we spent was over xbox live(which I have since quit) playing either PSO or Halo 2. He was way too sensitive, and would get upset(to the point of tears sometimes) over the tiniest things.
One time, in Halo, I decided that I wanted to drive the warthog for a change... But no... He had to drive. That's not so big a deal, and although I did argue my right to drive once in a while I didn't make a big deal out of it. He did though, and went into a big uproar, eventually leading to him not speaking to me(and if he did, you could tell he was being sarcastic).

So yeah... All that over not being able to drive the warthog. We went through many of these ultimately small spats, until I came to the point where I wasn't enjoying our friendship anymore, because everythign was abotu him, him, him! http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_bored.gif
I supose what the point of this is: I like retelling my stoires about that bastard, and: If this comes to the point where you aren't enjoying this relationship anymore you need to end it. Don't worry abotu emo-man, worry about yourself.

[ABDUR101]

Bluedagger..wow..heh. Must be nice to know everything at such a young age, huh?

See, I think the thing is, people use the term 'friend' too readily. A friend is someone you care about, not someone you haphazardly play games with or chat online with on occassion and has no importance to you beyond that. I think it's rather obvious that this is a friend to Alisha, or she would have already blocked the person and not bothered to make a thread about it.

It's not so simple as just 'not worrying about' someone. Thats a very selfish thing to do when it concerns a friend and they are having actual issues(and no, not the kind of issues your friend had with Halo2).

I think alot of you lack perspective. You expect someone to get over their parent dieing after six months? Your grandfather dieing is a far cry from your actual parent. I've been through plenty of family funerals, and none of them upset me merely because I wasn't emotionally attatched to the people, but if one of my parents died, thats a very big blow to take. You don't just 'move on', thats something you live with and have to come to terms with in your own time. I'm sure this girl was closer to her father than you were your grandfather. So think of that before you tell someone to 'get over it'.

Honestly, some of you are very prickish, and I'm surprised you have any actual friends if this is how you treat them when they have emotional issues and problems to be dealt with. Friendships aren't all fun and games, you have to take the good with the bad, and help each other when you have problems. Even when you notice someone having a personal flaw, whether they are overly emotional, dramatic, etc you should bring it up to them, because maybe they aren't aware, or they think thats just 'normal' for everyone.

A friend is someone who lets you into their lives, and them into yours. True friendship is rare, and I suspect many of you have yet to experience it, and at this rate you're bound to most likely fuck up anything that might come close because of how you treat people who aren't already 'perfect' and don't have any quirks.

You're not perfect, so don't expect other people to be either. It's better to work with those you're close to, and help them become better people, than to toss them aside and leave them wondering what happened.

[BlueDagger]

*gasp* An adult! You're supose to be out working and giving me money and stuff, not proving everything I say wrong! http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif

But I must agree with what you say though.
I don't expect my strange, twisted, misanthropic opinion to be the least bit correct... http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/anime2.gif

[Sinue_v2]

Wow Blue, not very resolved in your convictions are you?

I stand by what I said. I don't like the idea of being "obligated" in any friendship. That's not what a friendship is about. Anything you do for your friends, be it helping them move, being a shoulder to cry on, or going out of your way to bail them out of jail at 3am, should all be done because YOU want to. Because YOU value that friendship, and genuinely want to help that person out.

"Obligations" be damned. Friendships aren't contracts, and I don't have any expectations. If I value that person in my life, then I want to see them be happy and successful. I'll do what I can to help them achieve that. If I don't feel it's worth going out of my way to help said person, then obviously they're not that great of a friend - and can kiss my ass.

It's like my friend Terry. He's a little bit touched in the head, and he's extremely self-concious. If he percieves that he's pissed you off in any way - he'll start brooding about it, and eventually he just gets so tired of the conflicted thoughts that he'll do something crazy to REALLY piss you off - just so that he knows for sure you're mad at him. He shot at my friend Jason with a 9mm (just to scare him, apperantly) for blowing him off at the bar - when in truth, Jason just didn't see him. It goes in cycles like that where he's cool for a few months, starts a fight, and then dissapears for a month or so until things calm down. But ya know what? He's still a friend. He's a good dude overall, very intelligent, funny, generous, and humble. He'll do anything for his friends. I want him around, because I like the kind of person that he is. I help him out when he needs it, because it makes me feel good to return a bit of the kindness he extends outward to others. So the cycle continues - and each time we welcome him back as if nothing ever happened. (Though we no longer allow him to carry a gun around us.)

So like I told Alisha, if she knows this person in real life, then go out and DO things with this person. Enjoy the time you have with them, making memories for yourself and them. What kind of a pathetic fucking memory is sitting on a chat channel? And if it's just an "internet friend" - then don't get all worked up or emo over the matter, because chances are all they're going to do is drag you down so far that you have no choice but to abandon them, or they're write you off totally as an abandoner and sever the frienship themselves to keep you from the inevitable abandonment - and then they'll dissapear in the end.



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Sinue_v2 on 2007-04-04 03:32 ]</font>

[Thalui89]

OMG to some of the replies.

My advice is that you sit down and talk things through with the person. One of my closest friends used to suffer from depression and i know how problematic to a friendship it can be. However with help and support through their problems theres a chance they may come out of the depression just like my friend did but im not saying that they WILL come out of it. Time + support are the greatest heals of them all.

In regards to "your friend is an emo" as someone so boldly put it, depression is NOT emo. Depression is actually a medical conditon which i would hardly say is emo. The emo's that are in my college and were in my school were emo by CHOICE. In this case id say that aslisha's friend is NOT emo.

Heh hope i was of SOME help, if you want any more advice just pm me.

[Kent]

I've had several friends that have been through times of serious depression... And they get over it in different ways.

Of course, what really matters is what this person is depressed about... Some things are a lot more difficult to get over than others, and it's never fun, either way. :/

Just because someone is known from over the internet, doesn't mean they're any different from person you can see face-to-face - or that they're any less human. Odds are, when someone's depressed, it isn't clinical, just something they really need a friend for.

And, as we all know, friends were invented for the purpose of helping friends out. But whining about things doesn't help.

I remember back in one of my several depression phases, my best friend would just spontaneously ask to do something random with me - such as Hell Cows runs in Diablo II (yeah, way back then). An actual activity, instead of talking, helps so much more.

That's not to say that there aren't times to talk about things, just, dwelling on things isn't good or healthy, and whining doesn't help. :/

...So yeah. Try to do something to get his/her mind off the subject of depression. If you actually care enough to do something (which sounds to be the case).