Jokes thread

[Vantamiath]

Alot of dark shit in the world these days, so why not set that aside and have a joke thread? http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif

Get loose and post!

[Even as jokes, they're still derogatory. Sorry.]

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: pixelate on 2003-01-27 23:52 ]</font>

[Abaddon]

Q. Why do Pugs have flat noses?
>From chasing parked cars! http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif

(From Baldurs Gate)
Q. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
>Fssssshhh!!!

(My own creation, be afraid)
Q. What did the guide say to the pair of pants that was lost?
>"Seams that way"

[Please don't post derogatory jokes.]

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: pixelate on 2003-01-27 23:55 ]</font>

[Ness]

Here are some long ones.

That one was based on a true story

What do roller coasters and viagra have in common?
You wait one hour for a 10 second ride

The temperture outside is 20 degrees and a man walks into a bar looking to get some chilli. "May I have a bowl of chilli?" he saksed the woman at the counter. "I'm sorry we just gave our last bowl to that man over there," she replied. So he looks at the man and notices him getting up, but his bowl is filled to the rim with chilli. So he goes over to the man and asks him," I noticed that you didn't eat your chilli and I'm really cold so may I have it?" "Sure go ahead," the other man replied. So he starts eating the chilli and it's nice and juicy and it's warming him up and then he sees a dead rat in it. He then throws up back in to the bowl and turns around and tell the man that gave it to him," Yeah I got that far too."

[No derogatory jokes.]

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: pixelate on 2003-01-28 17:01 ]</font>

[Kent]

[No derogatory jokes, please.]


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: pixelate on 2003-01-27 23:56 ]</font>

[Vantamiath]

Whats the quickest way to a man's heart?
>With a sharp knife.

OK heres a long one, but its funny so read it all.

3 Woman decided to re-name their husbands, because they all had the same names. One woman said, "lets name them after soda drinks." So the women decided to name them after soda drinks. The first woman said, "7up, because he can get it up 7 times" The seconds woman said "Mountain Dew, because hes as big as a mountain and can do the do"...

They came to the last woman. She said "I want to name my husband Jack Daniels." The women were confused, "Isnt that a form of hard liquor?" they said.

"Yes," she replied. "Cause hes a hard-licker."

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: pixelate on 2003-01-27 23:58 ]</font>

[LamerPanda]

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: LamerPanda on 2003-01-27 16:12 ]</font>

[Blenjar]

Nice spam tread dude.

[Vantamiath]

Nothing wrong with a simple topic. Besides, it seems some people could use some humor...

[Vantamiath]

oops, double posted. Anyways...

What do elephants use for tampons?
>Sheep

I got the motherload joke...but Im gonna post it later...

[Same as before. Watch the derogatory jokes you post.]



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: pixelate on 2003-01-27 23:57 ]</font>

[RavenTW]

A chess club is traveling to a competition and decide to settle down for the night at a hotel. a few of the members head out into the lobby and discuss about their chess abilities and strategies, eventually arguing about how good they are, how many awards they won, their fastest checkmate, etc. Eventually the receptionist in the lobby asks them to return to their room. "Why?" They ask.

"Because I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.!"

[No derogatory jokes. Sorry.]

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: RavenTW on 2003-01-27 17:47 ]</font>

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: pixelate on 2003-01-28 00:01 ]</font>

[Vantamiath]

Good joke raven http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif

Ok my next joke is pretty dark humor so if you find vulgar stuff like this offensive..well, just dont read it.


Why do tampons have a string on them?
> To floss after eating.

[Foggy_Pete]

[No derogatory jokes. Sorry.]


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: pixelate on 2003-01-27 23:59 ]</font>

[pixelate]

OK, I have been thinking it over today, and I decided to edit out some of the jokes. Yea, I know they're meant to be funny. I'm glad you're thinking about getting some laughs out of people But still, some jokes put down a type of person or a group of people, and that's derogatory.

If anyone's offended by any of the jokes posted, let me know, and I'll check it out.

[Eden]

2 guys walk into a bar and say ow.

^ Classic

[Abaddon]

Damn. Pixel took out my bigger guns then ^_^

umm...letsee...non-offensive jokes to certain persons that are funny...

Ok there's this really rich lady and she decides to host a party with 2 of her best friends and her butler, so she sends out the invitations detailing when and where, but on the invitation the guests and butler are requested to 'dress up as an emotion'

So a week later the party is held. the food is ready and all that jazz. Moments later the doorbell rings. The lady opens the door to her first guest, who is dressed entirely in blue.
'hmm, you must be the Blues' the lady says. The guest nods and enters the premises.
five minutes later the doorbell rings a second time and the lady opens the door to the second guest, who is dressed entirely in green.
'hmm, you must be Green With Envy' the lady says. the guest nods and enters the premises
another five minutes later, the doorbell rings for the third time. The lady opens the door to the butler, who is wearing nothing but bowl of vanilla custard over his private parts and held in place by a leather belt.

The host is absolutely horrified, but manages to say 'what the hell are you supposed to be?!'
The butler looks up, gives a sugary smile and says 'I'm f*cking disgusted!'

http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif *awaits applause*

[Vantamiath]

Why is pixelate so uptight?
> No one knows

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: pixelate on 2003-01-28 16:55 ]</font>

[pixelate]

"6. No discriminatory or derogatory remarks."

derogatory: expressive of a low opinion.

If a joke is aimed at putting down a type of person or a group of people, I'm going to take it out. So don't post any.

[PsO-mAn]

yo momma is so fat,this is how she plays hopscotch,California,New york,Alaska.Classic

[rbf2000]

http://www.jokeaday.com

Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse
town in northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying
a wolf pelt.

"Good work!" says the bartender. He pops the cash register
open, pulls out a wad of bills, and counts them out into the
rancher's outstretched hand.

After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the bartender, "What was
that all about?"

The barkeep says, "Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real
wolf problem in these parts, and the county ain't done a thing
about it. Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints
come onta my property and laid waste t'my chicken coop. Ol'
Man Miller down the road even lost four of his cattle to the
bloodthirsty beasts! They're vicious, and they got no fear
-- and they gotta be stopped. So I'm offerin' a bounty -- a
hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt."

Mike and Bill look at each other, and immediately race out of
the bar to go hunt wolves.

After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally
spot a lone wolf in the distance. Mike takes aim with his rifle
and shoots the wolf dead. The two fellas sprint over to where
the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy with the pelt.

Suddenly, Bill says, "Hey, Mike, look."

"Not now," says Mike, "I'm busy."

Bill tugs on Mike's sleeve and says, "Mike, I think you *really*
ought to see this."

"Not now!" Mike says again. "Can't you see I've got a hundred
dollars in my hands?"

Bill's voice starts to waver. "Mike, please, just look!"

Mike stops what he's doing and looks up: The two men are
surrounded by a pack of wolves -- at least fifty in all, every one
of them growling, drooling, gnashing their teeth, and licking
their chops.

Mike takes in the sight and gasps: "Oh, my God! We're
gonna be rich!"

[Dangerous55]

A son lives above his mom and dad in an apartment, the son was really depressed because Sinbad's new show went off the air, and like all humans, he loved Sinbad. So, the mom and dad fought alot, and the dad on occasion would get out a gun just to frighten the mom, but never fire it. Well, back to the son, one day, the son said "I love Sinbad, and his show his show failed, I will kill myself." So he goes up to the roof and jumps, and while he is jumping, his mom and dad are fighting, and the dad pulled the gun, but this time it went off accidentley and the bullet went out the window just as the son was passing by the window. The bullet pierced the son's Sinbad shirt and killed him.


As I think about this I realize the story is not funny at all. Crap...

[RuneLateralus]

Todd recently felt a pain in his elbow. While at work, he told a co-worker of his problems.

"I see." Said the co-worker. "Well, you should try this doctor machine down at the pharmacy. It will tell you what is wrong with your elbow with just a little urine sample."

"How can a machine tell what is wrong with a human?" asked Todd.

"I dunno, but it works," answered the co-worker.

So he went to the pharmacy, gave it a urine sample and the machine gave him his results:

"You have sprained your elbow. Ice it up and things will get better."

Todd was amazed by this machine, but he was still skeptical that it was that perfect. He wanted to see if the machine can be tricked, so he decided to test the machine by mixing urine samples from his son, daughter, dog, and wife. Just to add a nice little touch to it by adding in a little bit of his sperm as well. He went to the pharmacy and this is what he got:

"Your son has genital herpes. Take him to a doctor to get them treated and punish him for not using a condom. Your daughter has beens using cocaine for the past year. Put her in rehab. Your dog has heartworms. He needs to go to the vet. Congratulations on the fact that your wife is pregnant, but sorry that the child is not yours. Either get a marriage counselor (sp?) or divorce lawyer. And if you do not stop masturbating, your elbow will not get better."

[geewj]

On 2003-01-28 19:36, Dangerous55 wrote:
A son lives above his mom and dad in an apartment, the son was really depressed because Sinbad's new show went off the air, and like all humans, he loved Sinbad. So, the mom and dad fought alot, and the dad on occasion would get out a gun just to frighten the mom, but never fire it. Well, back to the son, one day, the son said "I love Sinbad, and his show his show failed, I will kill myself." So he goes up to the roof and jumps, and while he is jumping, his mom and dad are fighting, and the dad pulled the gun, but this time it went off accidentley and the bullet went out the window just as the son was passing by the window. The bullet pierced the son's Sinbad shirt and killed him.


As I think about this I realize the story is not funny at all. Crap...





It would be kida funny if the dad was convicted of murder. Im sure with the right lawyers and jury we could pull it off.

[RavenTW]

Actually, Sciler told us about that. The son hated his mother and loaded his dad's rifle(his dad never had it loaded actually). Then when his dad DIDN'T threaten his mom one night, he jumped.

Anyway, I just got one from my mom:

THE LITTLE MEAN DOG

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat
> > > >down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They
> > > >would
> > have
> > > >5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever
> > > >side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found
> > > >the
> > biggest,
> > > >meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred
> > > >them
> > with
> > > >the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest
> > > >and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which
> > > >gave him
> > all
> > > >the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog
> > the
> > > >world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick
> > > >and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dogfight,
> > > >Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long
> > > >Dachshund.
> > Everyone
> > > >felt sorry for Bush because they knew there was no way that this dog
> > could
> > > >possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages
> > > >were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled
> >
> > > >over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of it's
> > > >cage and charged the American Dachshund----but when it got close
> > > >enough to bite
> > the
> > > >Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed
> > > >Osama's
> > dog
> > > >in one bite. There was nothing left at all, of his dog. Osama came
> > > >up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how
> > > >this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years
> > > >with the
> > meanest
> > > >Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest,
> > > >meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing," said Bush. "We had our
> > > >best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look
> >
> > > >like a weenie
> > dog.
> > > >God Bless America

[Vantamiath]

One day Frank died and was taken to hell. He enterted a dark room where a demon greeted him.
"You must be Frank," the demon said.
"Yes I am...am I in hell?"
"Yes, you just about made it though.."

The demon showed him into a room with clocks hung all over the walls and ceiling. Bill asked what the clocks were for, as they seemed to all be turning at different speeds.

"Each clock represents a person living on earth, and each time someone lies the clock moves one notch," the demon explained. Frank looked around the room fascinated by all the clocks. Frank noticed that it wasnt very hot in hell like people said it was.

"Isnt hell supposed to be hotter then this?" The demon smiled, and pointed above Franks head.

Above him was a huge clock that was spinning so fast it was used as an air conditioner, blowing huge gusts of cold air to the hellions below.

"You can thank George W. for that."



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: iHATEpsoCHEATERS on 2003-01-29 14:13 ]</font>

[Guntz348]

Great quotes from the man daddy put in office...

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
- George W. Bush

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

- George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

- Governor George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

- Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."

- Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."

- Governor George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

- Governor George W. Bush

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

- Governor George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."

- Governor George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

- Governor George W. Bush

l "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

- Governor George W. Bush< BR>

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

- Governor George W. Bush

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

- Governor George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

- Governor George W. Bush

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."

- Governor George W. Bush

[Vantamiath]

hahAhahAhahahAhAhahahaahah..... http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif

Thats Bushy for ya..

[Guntz348]

I forgot the best one,

"China is a wonderful place, filled with many chinese people" - Pres. George Bush or as I call him Dub'a'ya

[Vantamiath]

He's definatly in a class all his own.

[Abaddon]

LOL that is class http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_smile.gif

I heard more jokes today but they're too offensive -_-

[Ghaleon]

why did the pigeon cross the road...

he was having sex with the chicken.


knock knock....
who's there?
interupting cow
interupting co......
MOOOOO!!!!!

[Ness]

On 2003-01-28 19:36, Dangerous55 wrote:
A son lives above his mom and dad in an apartment, the son was really depressed because Sinbad's new show went off the air, and like all humans, he loved Sinbad. So, the mom and dad fought alot, and the dad on occasion would get out a gun just to frighten the mom, but never fire it. Well, back to the son, one day, the son said "I love Sinbad, and his show his show failed, I will kill myself." So he goes up to the roof and jumps, and while he is jumping, his mom and dad are fighting, and the dad pulled the gun, but this time it went off accidentley and the bullet went out the window just as the son was passing by the window. The bullet pierced the son's Sinbad shirt and killed him.


As I think about this I realize the story is not funny at all. Crap...





Isn't that some kind of news story that was brought up here a few months ago?

[Ghaleon]

4 guys are sitting in a bar. they start to talk about how proud they are of their sons. the first man says "im so proud of my son. he started out as a janiter at the football stadium downtown, now he owns the place.he even owns a whole subdivision" the second man says "wow thats great. my son started out working at a gas station now he's a racecar driver. he has more than 30 cars." the third man says "thats pretty good. my son owns a computer company. he makes millions every year." the forth guy says "dammit you guys are so lucky to have such succesful sons. my son is a hair stylist, and he's a homosexual. his 3 lovers gave him some great birthday presents though. his 1st one gave him a house,his 2nd gave him a brand new car, and his 3rd boyfriend gave him a million dollars."

[Abaddon]

Why did the belt go to jail?
>It held up a pair of pants

[dude3282]

I've heard the clock joke, but they were using Clinton's clock as a fan, not Dubya's. Clinton lied more, in my opinion.

A short groaner pun:
Two eskimos were paddling along in their little wooden boat, fishing for their food. It got sorta cold in there, so they decided to light a fire on the floor of the dinghy. The fire burned a hole through the boat and it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Another one I can only halfway remember:
John dies and goes to hell. He gets there, and it's sorta hot, and the devil gives him his choice of three different doors. He is given a look behind the first door, where people are standing on their heads on a hard marble floor. He looks in the next door and there are people standing on their heads, chest-high in water. He looks in the next room and sees people standing knee-deep in human excrement, drinking coffee. He chooses the last room, deciding that it smelled like crap, but at least he got to save his head and he got coffee. After getting in there, the devil shouts "Okay guys, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

Pardon my bad joke-telling, but I like this one, too:
Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son - What's up, Dad?
Dad - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
Son - I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.
Dad - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
Son - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
Dad - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
Son - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
Dad - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?
Son - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
Dad - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
Son - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.
Dad - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?
Son - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
Dad - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
Son - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.
Dad - Where did you learn to be such a liar?
Son - From The President of the United States, Bill Clinton..
Dad - I see.

A couple finishers:
What's the difference between a snake in the road and a lawyer in the road?
> A car will stop and go around the snake, but swerve to hit the lawyer.

What's the difference between a catfish and a politician?
> One is a bottom-dwelling scum-sucker, the other is a fish.

And my all-time favorite one-liner:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
>Because they've got really big fingers.

[Vantamiath]

How do you find how many people live in North Dakota?
> Roll a penny down the street.

[IceBlink]

In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.

In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

-- told from a friend's instructor

[Foggy_Pete]

...
*beats iceblink with a loaded shotgun*



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Foggy_Pete on 2003-02-02 16:12 ]</font>

[Guntz348]

On 2003-02-02 15:43, Foggy_Pete wrote:
...
*beats iceblink with a loaded shotgun*



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Foggy_Pete on 2003-02-02 16:12 ]</font>


*laughs as Froggy shoots himself in the face. Takes shotgun and shoots Iceblink himself*

[Jace_100]

I have a bunch of jokes but i can't tell a single one, lets just say they involve clowns, children, sexual organs and blood...

[Croll]

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''

Enjoy http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif

[IceBlink]

I'm not trying to make fun of the Columbia shuttle tragedy. So, don't yell at me.

http://shogun.shafted.com.au/temp/cnnsucks.jpg

No wonder we can't find them. Who needs the Enterprise?

*flees, is so sorry* >_< I saw the pic, thought this would fit in here more...



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: IceBlink on 2003-02-03 14:29 ]</font>

[SnAPPUrU-nyan-ko]

Why was ]HF[JBB banned from the Quake MTF server? He got caught using "Eh-eh".

wtf IceBlink, you might as well make a 9/11 joke! We remember!

[IceBlink]

Thing is, that pic isn't modified. It's from CNN.

... Granted, it's a typo, but it gets science fiction buffs' minds thinking... 18 times the speed of LIGHT..

[dude3282]

In case you didn't know, the space shuttle was going at Mach 18 upon re-entry, 18 times the speed of sound. Not light.

[Croll]

I'd like to post this in dedication to America http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[IceBlink]

On 2003-02-03 17:25, dude3282 wrote:
In case you didn't know, the space shuttle was going at Mach 18 upon re-entry, 18 times the speed of sound. Not light.

Duh, I know that. Try looking at the name of the picture itself. It was a typo CNN made. Obviously, earth tech isn't that advanced yet, unless there's something Area 51 isn't releasing to the public... http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_eek.gif

[Shrevn]

Yo mama so fat When she rolls over its morning.... :/

[mystic_knight]

Guy walks into a bar. He sits down and sees a big jar of money. He says "Hey, what's with this?"

The bartender replies, "It's a pool, you get the money if you can handle three tasks."

The guy says, "I'll give it a try," and he puts a dollar into the jar. "what do I have to do?"

The bartender says, "You have to drink a whole bottle of tequila without making a face, pull a lose tooth from a bull, and have sex with an old lady."

So the guy drinks the tequila and says "Ok, next thing!" and the bartender takes him to the room with the bull. A few minutes later, the guy walks out and says "Ok, so where is the lady with the loose tooth?"
____________________________________________

As most know, Mahatma Ghandi used to walk around with no shoes, causing many sores to appear on his feet. He also fasted a lot, making him weak. Most people don't know that he had bad breath also.

Soooooooo.....he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by hallatosis (multiple sp?s in there)

[Vantamiath]

Thats a good one mystic LOL http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif

[IceBlink]

looking on the net...

http://cicatrix.fragland.net/smurf/frodo_has_failed.jpg

OMFG!

[Ness]

Those Bush blunders were pretty funny.

[Vantamiath]

On 2003-02-04 23:44, IceBlink wrote:
looking on the net...

http://cicatrix.fragland.net/smurf/frodo_has_failed.jpg

OMFG!



Ok, go back to the theatres and watch LOTR. Now imagine Bush replacing Elijah Wood throughout the whole film...

[Croll]

Isn't Bush suppose to be invisible now? hmmmmmmmmm....http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_confused.gif

[Croll]

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. ''Guaranteed my ass,'' he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day/ 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of NIKE running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, ''If you can catch me you can have me!''

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, ''I like the way this company does business.''

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but REEBOK running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ''If you can catch me, you can have me.''

He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/ 50 pound loss program.
''Are you sure,'' asks the representative on the phone, ''this is our most rigorous program...''
''Absolutely,'' he replies. '' I haven't felt this great in years!''

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, ''If I catch you, I have you!!'''

[BlackRose]

On 2003-02-05 13:21, Croll wrote:
Isn't Bush suppose to be invisible now? hmmmmmmmmm....http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_confused.gif



Everybody except Sauron, Lord of Darkness became invisible when they wore the ring....

...hmm.... o_O

[WashuChan]

A guy walks into a gay bar and asks for a drink. The barkeep looks and says " First tell me the name of your little man." The guy looks at him in surprise and asks, " What do you mean?" The barkeep looks down the bar and says "You see that black guy, his is named M&M because it melts in your mouth not in your hand, and the white guy next to him is named Chevy cause its like a rock." The guy thinks for a minute and looks up at the barkeep, "I'll name mine Secret, because its strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

[Croll]

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.

A couple of weeks before, his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.

A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.

Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.

;Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"