Accepting the truth.

[Mystil]

Looking through the screenshot thread in the PSO2 section brought me to a rather depressing revelation and truth that I have been denying since the end of PSO EP1 and 2.

Circle Jerk is what I would call circle of friends that does not include me, which is out of pure jealousy. I see people get together and play together, take screens together. But it doesn't end there.

These are people who for the most part generally thought of as cool and reliable. It doesn't matter how they play, and to some degree it doesn't matter how they act. They are never the less sought after. There isn't a day where they don't have any of their friends to play with, or just hang out in their room.

Among this, there is me. I have this thing where if someone doesn't mail me first, they are simply not interested in me at all. Or if I'm simply the one handling all the communication one sidedly. I thought, it's them, they are fake etc. No, it's not that simple and it is a thought I'm not going to ride any longer. It is me. Maybe I was put in a shell over the years. I think as a person and player I have a lot to offer, but there's lack of interest in this. Even in a guild, I don't stay long because it becomes almost instantly apparent that I wont fit in.

I solo all day and in my mind, I feel forced to solo cause I wont be accepted in any groups. I don't like it and I hate every bit of it but also in my mind there is not a damn thing I can do about it. In reality, as the past has shown me too.. there really isn't.

It boils down to this - I'm not seen as worthy person to be friends with. I am not someone to take seriously. I am someone you assume you can't share anything with because I might not have that in common.

In short, I'm not interesting. I am boring. A dark contrast to who I am in real life.

There is some contradiction - To clear it up, I am unable to display my sense of humor and just how fun I can be on the net. It has been detrimental to my "online social life". There isn't anyone, and has not been anyone in the last few years that has seen me more than just an associate.

Haha I'll also add that I thought by naming my character after my mom would bring me some kind of luck...

[gigawuts]

You can't fake who you are (or rather, you shouldn't because it's not sustainable). If you don't fit in with other groups straight away, it wouldn't work no matter what. Believe me, I tried for years. Try to be happy you found out right off the bat. There's nothing wrong with being yourself. It took me years and years to find a group I fit in with, and ever since we've been very closely knit through all kinds of things, drama, and different games.

Just be yourself, and the group will happen eventually.

[Nitro Vordex]

It's the internet dude, friends are more than real in flesh and blood. I think it takes a lot longer for people to be friends purely over the internet.

[Scrub]

Haha I have a pretty decent batch of internet friends but I could never convince any of them to get passed the Jappo and play PSO2 with me so I always just solo'd all day together too. Eventually got boring so I quit.

Also you could always look up an old group of eFriends you used to hang out with and see what they're doing!

ALSO Also I am not a group of people I am just one person but if you really want someone to play with send me a PM sometime!

[NoiseHERO]

How to make e-friends:

Be a total dick.

How to make In-Person Friends:

Be a total dick.

: D

[Inazuma]

@Mystil

I'll circle jerk with you. I don't know anything about you but I am very open minded so maybe we can get along.

I will try to remember to send you a friend request tomorrow since I can't play today due to maintenance. My character info is in my sig.

*edit*
I had a few minutes before the server went down to send the friend request.

[Polly]

You do a lot of assuming about yourself for others. Seems you've defeated yourself before you even try at this point. Not much else I could say that would change your mind, it seems.

[goldwing]

Looking through the screenshot thread in the PSO2 section brought me to a rather depressing revelation and truth that I have been denying since the end of PSO EP1 and 2.

Circle Jerk is what I would call circle of friends that does not include me, which is out of pure jealousy. I see people get together and play together, take screens together. But it doesn't end there.

These are people who for the most part generally thought of as cool and reliable. It doesn't matter how they play, and to some degree it doesn't matter how they act. They are never the less sought after. There isn't a day where they don't have any of their friends to play with, or just hang out in their room.

Among this, there is me. I have this thing where if someone doesn't mail me first, they are simply not interested in me at all. Or if I'm simply the one handling all the communication one sidedly. I thought, it's them, they are fake etc. No, it's not that simple and it is a thought I'm not going to ride any longer. It is me. Maybe I was put in a shell over the years. I think as a person and player I have a lot to offer, but there's lack of interest in this. Even in a guild, I don't stay long because it becomes almost instantly apparent that I wont fit in.

I solo all day and in my mind, I feel forced to solo cause I wont be accepted in any groups. I don't like it and I hate every bit of it but also in my mind there is not a damn thing I can do about it. In reality, as the past has shown me too.. there really isn't.

It boils down to this - I'm not seen as worthy person to be friends with. I am not someone to take seriously. I am someone you assume you can't share anything with because I might not have that in common.

In short, I'm not interesting. I am boring. A dark contrast to who I am in real life.

There is some contradiction - To clear it up, I am unable to display my sense of humor and just how fun I can be on the net. It has been detrimental to my "online social life". There isn't anyone, and has not been anyone in the last few years that has seen me more than just an associate.

Haha I'll also add that I thought by naming my character after my mom would bring me some kind of luck...
Ill b ur friend. I try to reach out to ppl weather they take my offer seriausly or not. Pm me so we can get to know one another from there we meet up in game and hook up im more than willing to take the first steps if need b. Im always open to makeing new friends i can hang with or chat with daily :)

[Mystil]

You do a lot of assuming about yourself for others. Seems you've defeated yourself before you even try at this point. Not much else I could say that would change your mind, it seems.

You're wrong.

As for this, I don't care anymore.



Be a total dick.


: D

You're right.

[NoiseHERO]

I'll be your frand.

Even though you were totally in that thread that was calling me one of those players that sit in the lobby all day spamming and saying things in a language Japanese people can't even read that'd get us all IP blocked.

(DUDE THAT WAS LIKE, ONE NIGHT! AND WE WERE QUOTING STUFF FROM A CARTOON D< )

[Polly]

You're wrong.


No, I'm not really.


I solo all day and in my mind, I feel forced to solo cause I wont be accepted in any groups. I don't like it and I hate every bit of it but also in my mind there is not a damn thing I can do about it. In reality, as the past has shown me too.. there really isn't.

It boils down to this - I'm not seen as worthy person to be friends with. I am not someone to take seriously. I am someone you assume you can't share anything with because I might not have that in common.

You've made up everyone else's mind for them preemptively. Other people aren't the problem. You're making them the problem by assuming what they already think about you. You seem content with your self-pity though, so why should anyone even try to be your friend?

[drizzle]

Needs more self esteem.Just click that 'join party' option, man.

[hbmizzle10]

No, I'm not really.



You've made up everyone else's mind for them preemptively. Other people aren't the problem. You're making them the problem by assuming what they already think about you. You seem content with your self-pity though, so why should anyone even try to be your friend?

polly has a point(harsh but a point non the less). not to be harsh but the pso world isn't a place to where you should vent your social issues. if you have a serious problem(because this seems more like a real world problem than a virtual world problem) then you need to seek therapy. you seem to have a very low self esteem issues. if you do not take care of this you might end up having much worse problems than what you have now but listen if you really need a friend i'll be one for yah just hit me up on my friend list. hell i'll be yah wing man if having a lil issues finding freinds. oh and don't take this as an insult to your integrity cause in all honestly most non friends will rather insult you than give you the honest and rough truth

[Mystil]

Doesn't matter anymore.

[blace]

I'll put it as simple as possible, get together with others who are similar in aspect to yourself.

Besides, you make playing solo sound so bad.

[Ghost Inside]

Edit: Blah... I can't think clearly enough tonight, I'll write this together better tomorrow.

[AC9breaker]

has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

[Mystil]

I'll be your frand.

Even though you were totally in that thread that was calling me one of those players that sit in the lobby all day spamming and saying things in a language Japanese people can't even read that'd get us all IP blocked.

(DUDE THAT WAS LIKE, ONE NIGHT! AND WE WERE QUOTING STUFF FROM A CARTOON D< )

I probably have, but I don't remember, no need of reminder, it's in the past. My opinion of you though is rather on the positive side after something you said about teams.

[NoiseHERO]

I probably have, but I don't remember, no need of reminder, it's in the past. My opinion of you though is rather on the positive side after something you said about teams.

Then we play tomorrow.

AT SUNRISE. (that's a lie)

BUT I WILL FIND YOU.

[Mystil]

I've played with a few from this board, they just didn't know it was me. Only one does. I see you in the lobby all the time.

@polly - I doubt you'd want to read the large explanation I have as to why you are wrong. Self pity? Maybe? Do I want people to feel sorry for me? No.

[Powder Keg]

I'm sure I've teamed up with you before in PSU, and it was fun! I think you are playing out the negative scenarios in your head too hard before just jumping in. Nickelodeon's Doug did that, you know...but it all turned out okay when it came down to it. :)

[Mystil]

I remember you, but my memory is foggy a bit.

May have been on PSU PC. I had such a hard time in that game.. I remember being stuck at lvl84 for 2 months because everyone locked their games. I recall making a [infamous] thread about it on the SEGA forums, pretty much demanding people to fucking stop that. :) People don't like how bold I can be.

I had a close friend on the PC named uhm...Think his name was Dfang.. But he met a girl that would later become his girlfriend. She didn't like how close we were from the very start. I could tell. I was "in the way" and she did a good job changing the guy and eventually pushing me away ~_~. I worried my ass off about him though, since he had a tumor in his brain that he had no money to get an operation for. So he was just..on borrowed time.

Doug was one of my favorite shows. He is like a mirror image of myself in more ways than just negative scenarios. As well as rugrats, which just "compliments" how I would live in my own world, with my strong sense of imagination, when I was a kid.

[Slidikins]

Doug was one of my favorite shows. He is like a mirror image of myself in more ways than just negative scenarios.If you don't mind, I'd like to hear more about how you believe Doug mirrors you and if you still see that comparison now that you're older.

[NoiseHERO]

^ This thread is gettin' weird...

[Slidikins]

^ This thread is gettin' weird...It's actually very on topic. It just gives a bit of insight into Mystil's self-perception (and self-esteem) and could help us give advice on how to change things.

Otherwise I can't make heads or tails of anything. One one side of the coin you have sayings like:

In short, I'm not interesting. I am boring.
but then you have:

I would live in my own world, with my strong sense of imagination

Which doesn't sound boring at all to me. But then again, no one's going to see that imagination if you're just playing solo all day. Every artist has that moment where they just have to put their talent on display and accept what the world thinks. You may hit a lot of walls and setbacks but you'll eventually find people who like you for you and in time you'll be more than an "associate" with them.

It takes time and it's one of those things that never appears if you hunt for it, but you can't isolate yourself either. Have you tried sending out mails since you made the original post?

[Mystil]

This will be my last post in this thread. And it's going to be a long one.

^ This thread is gettin' weird...

This here is the core problem I'm facing. Let a little bit of myself out and here comes the labels and "warding away". You want weird? Sure I'll bite and I'll bite hard and you will be blown away by it; The last time I listened to rap was 1996. I've since got into video game music and it is all I listen to. My favorite track is Morrigan Aenslands (http://images.wikia.com/marvelvscapcomespaol/es/images/0/00/500px-Morrigan_MvsC3-FTW.png)' Deserted Chateau Arranged version. And a track I use to relax my mind is Grandia II's theme that plays in Agere Town. I'm out of touch with every other form of music. I am african american, but guess what? I don't like chicken. I prefer baked turkey. And I've never been to KFC. And I dig white chicks. They drive me crazy in a good way. I'm a "mama's boy" and proud of it because my mom is the best woman ever. Even though my character is white, she is named after my mom, with the same type of glasses to boot. You can say that my character is a combination of what I like, and what's good in my life. When I was going to end it all because of terrible depression last year, she saved my life. You wouldn't know what the hell it's like to be plagued with depression obviously. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, even that little unappreciative little bastard Remedy(long story, which I'll get to soon). I am a bit empathic. I can FEEL what others are feeling. Aka I actually care about the emotional state of others! Oops! I'm not a saint. I can assure you sir I can be one nasty evil ass guy. Don't try to control me. Don't try to change me. Don't try to make me do things I don't wont to do, and you want have worry about the wolf that sleeps under the cover of my skin. In this selfish society now, the wolf has had to come out more than I wanted. I play RPGs with a side of platformers and RTS. FF7 got me into it, but my first dates back to Zelda 1. I'm not a fan of Sephiroth, nor do I consider FF7 the greatest RPG of all time. That goes to Suikoden II. And I'm a fan of Aya Brea. (http://parasiteeve.wikia.com/wiki/Aya_Brea) The only 'real' language I know is english, but I am fluent in Hymmnos. (http://conlang.wikia.com/wiki/Hymmnos) Was guwo ga desfel omnis walayse ween ciel. I have written 45 hymns under that language with an upcoming one called EXEC_RECALL/. My favorite genre of Movies is the Paranormal, and Sci-Fi thrillers. Favorite paranormal movie is One Missed Call. Favorite Sci-FI is The Island. My favorite actress is Sigourney Weaver and actor is Michael Rooker, moreso because of his role in the movie Jumper. I have an extensive DVD collection. Both digital(Itunes) and disc form. When I'm feeling movie watching urges, I always pick 1 or 2pm in the day to watch a movie. I am a poet turned song writer and my masterpiece is The Silver Sea. There's your weird.



All the things he said.


This I'll do for you. Maybe it'll shed some light in this once and for all.
Let me start with that fucker Remedy. Someone here long ago called it out nicely: "You know you're in a low point of your life when all you have as a friend is Remedy". Anybody who remembers him, I think I don't need to say anything further. I'll say that for a time, I understood him and defended him. He barked forever about never getting a Har/Quick. Instead of selling it, I gave him my extra. I had felt bad for him and how people in the lobbies and on these forums would gang up on him all the time. I wanted to get closer and hang with him, in an effort to take away his social pain. As time went him, I started noticing what this guy's problem was. It began to affect me because I was playing a class he didn't like(Fortefighter). I was a weak FF compared to others, didn't have any weps above 20% in element, but just being one, was a problem for this guy. I dealt with it. I tolerated his ways and his very strong defense of his ideals - he is a man you can't talk to about anything without him going on the offensive if your views are even slightly different. I didn't have anyone else when I was pushed away by a close friend name Dfang - that happened when he got manipulated by a girl he fell for in game. She let him in her circle, she didn't want me in it. Anyway after about a month, Remedy quit the game. The backbreaker came to a post he made on a certain private PSO server forums. Basically all that time I spent with him, and siding with him, GENUINELY understanding him, it didn't mean a damn thing. I wanted to bust a hole in my monitor.

It was after a few months and being hit with fits of jealousy that I felt I needed to be like the popular people. The popular people always had the best gear with screenshots doing mad damage, or hitting a new cap in a few hours. They tend to group with the same people who were something like them. I was at a loss, I went to Cherry to "help" me with this. Instead of helping, I was only met with discouragement. It was expected, but in my mind it was a worth a try.

Before all of that though, I was friends with a player named Rin(PSU PC). He was a forever lowbie, and always playing dress up. But he would talk to me non stop. We could go on for hours and hours. Looking back now, I can't be angry at him for replacing me with all of Mitsunari Ryuki's friends. I fucked that up on my own. I don't remember what I did.. all I remember is, I tried to apologize in one of those lobbies where there was going to be a PSOW group screenshot. Hey I even, for a short time, found love in that game(360), but that had major setbacks, and even though those setbacks was out my control, I fucked that up too.

As an adult, in comparison with Doug, only my long range imagination is close to his. There are no secret crushes, I have no best friends. Techinically my room is a "thicket of solitude" since I'm always in my room. Furthermore, I don't talk to myself. As teen, yes he may as well been my twin. I can say that with absolute certainty. This isn't a new thing. Plenty identify themselves with cartoon characters. Hell DARKWING DUCK is my hero.

I haven't taken anyone else' offer in this thread, after that last one I did, didn't work out. Although the offers are much appreciated. It also doesn't help that I'm shy as hell. I'm not the shy type in an introverted way. but in a way where I must make an introduction. And the reason why I started out soloing in PSO2 is because I'd been doing it for so long in Perfect World.. as well as PSOGC in its last days. Even in PSU, which may I may I add was frustrating. Tell you what I did do tough(Rock isn't gonna like this part, given his view on teams) There was someone in my team that I sensed I could slowly ease my way into some kind of bond. Man, just up and joining her game the first time felt like I was making a major security risk to my well being. After awhile I got confident enough in doing this. And one day I asked did she mind me running with her all the time. It's just something I gotta ask. Heh, said she was happy I joined all the time. I don't take anything good for granted, so I played with her every chance I got. My experience with people from third world countries(this mostly applies to girls for some reason)..they tend to have no freedom of choice at home. So I just let her do whatever area she wants. I never ask for anything. What happens with this though is, when a player like herself starts becoming rare(playing less and less) and then I lose my will to keep playing.

My mindset with soloing is a traditional thing I do, started in FFXI 9 years ago. People wanted to party with my white mage, when I was lvl10 but I wasn't "party ready" yet and kept going til lvl 12.(2 levels in FFXI at the time, took days.) If you can't keep yourself alive, you can't keep anyone else alive. *In PSO2, I solo'd at first so I can learn my class. This is how I avoid being judged as a noob and hence someone to not take seriously. I wouldn't join peoples parties because of the fear I gained from my days in PSU 360. I got kicked a lot, like many others for no reason in that game. So I just joined as a seperate party. That is why I think it's the greatest thing SEGA ever thought of. Yes people would join my party, but they leave after a few minutes, or just want to use me in helping them with a CO. And sometimes, I have a whole room all to myself and not a soul joins even as a seperate party. I don't mind playing with the japanese. The feeling isn't mutual I'm sure, but I have experience with them from other games. Long as you're not trying to screw up the flow, they don't care where you are from. You don't always need communication to get good teamwork going.

There was a player I'm currently searching for, that talked to me out of nowhere(this person initiated the conversation - something that RARELY happens to me). We talked for 10 min and then my connection goes down, my net is cut off for the whole weekend because a power outage messed up the signal. Usually when something like this happens, I never see the person again. I was sad about that... and the timing, it sure looked like I bailed on the person while they were expressing their feelings about the decreasing english population on block 20. Also saying not many people make hard games she could actually join(we met in hard forest, and I made the room and she joined my party.) Lines like that I consider invitations, to which I would say, you could just play with me. Since I'll play any area.

Hmm my train of thought is becoming fragmented..and this is getting too long anyway. My therapist did say that I have a lot to say, but never given a chance to say anything heh. There. Me in a nutshell. These aren't delusions or things made up in my mind, or events exaggerated in order to gain some sympathy or produce apathy.

*There is contradiction here, but both reasons for soloing are correct.

If anyone sees a Patricia running around, that's me.

[gigawuts]

I already knew that was your name, I remembered it from your sig. I've been debating adding you since you put up this thread, but I'd be a bad in-game friend since I don't frequently play with other people due to this or that IRL obligation or distraction.

I'd just join your party then suddenly have to go. I still planned on sending an arks card request out of the blue and being all "SURPRISE!"

[NoiseHERO]

This will be my last post in this thread. And it's going to be a long one.


No it was gettin' weird because of strangers on the internet diving into your personal life then acting like psychiatrists about it. D8

I like Doug.