FanFic: The Dark Chronicles of Lafiel. (New Chapter Up)

[Temjin-On]

Okay, so with yet another new fic, I am back, but this time, its more dark and twisted. see if you like it, and I also fear this might offend someone so im sorry in advance. And sorry the chapter is short, justa short prolouge.
Prolouge...
The Pioneer project was a great salvation for all, but for some there pasts are not easily escaped. But life on the pioneer ships is far from perfect, and the trading of flesh was always a big business. This business controlled by a few key players, rounded up young female hunters and seduced them into the hellish world of prostitution. Now it was very hard to escape the grasp of the "Talent Scouts" once they had their eyes on you, but a choice few did make the escape. And this all brings us to the tale of Lafiel Lukess, and her sojourn to escape a life of slavery to a sadistic pimp, and her fight to stay alive on Ragol. Six years into the flight of Pioneer 2, a very infamous player named Master Akira Rivers, had set his sights on a young HUneweral, he thought perfect to bring him even more money into his pocket, the perfect addition to his house of Ill repute. And once he set his eyes on Lafiel, it was going to be hard for her to escape their gaze.

"Pardon me miss, but I am a Talent Scout for a play write and he would be honored if he could interview you for a role in an upcoming play.", said a shady figure. "Well, I really don?t know much about acting but then again what do I have to lose! Okay! I?ll interview with him.", said Lafiel. "By the way my name is Lafiel Lukess. And thank you very much for this opportunity.". The shady figure then stepped away to call his master. "Master, I have a new one for you, named Lafiel Lukess, I am bringing her in.", said the figure in his call. "Excellent, your services will be greatly rewarded in time.", said the voice on the phone. "Thank you sir, we will be there shortly. And she doesn?t suspect a thing.", said the figure hanging up. "So, anyway, who is this play write im going to meet now? Have I ever herd of him?", asked Lafiel. "You will find out soon enough, trust me, you shall not be disappointed.", the man replied and he added under his breath, "I hope for your sake, that you take one last look at the outside world with your innocence intacted.". Not soon after this a telepipe appeared before the "talent scout" and Lafiel. "Step in, Miss Lukess, please after you.", said the talent scout with a smile. "Thank you.", Lafiel replied. As they both stepped through, the arrived at the house of Master Rivers, the most infamous Pimp and Hustler of Pioneer 2. "Welcome, Miss Lukess, I have been expecting you.", said a smooth voice from down the hall. This voice was none other than Master Rivers.





<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Temjin-On on 2003-12-06 14:26 ]</font>

[Sord]

okay, you got something going here. you have quite a bit of grammatical and spelling errors, punctuation's fine (just remember my english is worse) as for the story line, well generaly being a slight perv (i'm 14 wwaddya expect?) i think i'm going to like this story, and as for not being a perv, i still think i'm gonna like this story. there's my one cent.

[Skett]

Graphical errors and you might want to seperate the huge chapter into small chapters so it is easier to read.

With the plot, I dont think it is perverted. From your little summery, it is going to be more about regaining the girls freedom whan prostitution. And it neat to see a fic that is taking a dare with it. I wonder how the female users will repond.

Last, the name Lafiel, did you get that from Crest of Stars?

[odie2088]

intacted? dude...its called spell check...i dont think intacted is even a word!

[MQuantum]

Yes, the usual grammer, spelling, and punctuation still plague you a bit, but It's not bad.

I agree with Skett, how it's more of a struggle for freedom than anything else. (I hope! http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif )


One thing you must remember, this IS a video game forum, and there are quite a number of young people that play video games, so natural there are most likely a large quanity of young people around. So you are most likely going to need to handle this carefully.

[odie2088]

hear that temmy? YOU'RE SO CONTROVERSIAL!

[Temjin-On]

THe name lafiel did orgionally coem from Crest of the stars yes, and your the first person who doesnt know me personally to get that! Props to you. But i do have a HUneweral char named Lafiel and I tend to use my own charicters in my storys same as Master Rivers, but I tried to make him more dark and less of a derganged HUmar. And odie can back me up on this a 6 foot tall charicter with a afro that makes him 7 feet tall doesnt realy soun threatining. To tell the honest truth, yes I do make alot of errors but hey, noones perfect, and odie I ran it through spell check, its my crappy spell checkers falut for intacted. Yea I am aware this is a touchy subject, but thats what motivated me to write it. And you may ask why I am I using PSO? Well, its a great why to help the story along, as you will see. I hope that with this Fic we all wont be let down, I hope this turns out to be half the story sending some sorta message I want it to be. But lets face it that may never happen lol, BTW, look for a good chapter by friday, so keep it here.


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Temjin-On on 2003-12-04 16:18 ]</font>

[Sord]

do you watch Crest of the Stars on tech tv, another channel, or do you buy them?

[Temjin-On]

On 2003-12-04 14:16, Sord wrote:
do you watch Crest of the Stars on tech tv, another channel, or do you buy them?


Uh to answer, tech tv and I buy DVDs. And lets try to keep it to topic

[Skett]

And lets try to keep it to topic


Agreed. When can we expect the next chapter?

[Sord]

On 2003-12-04 17:16, Skett wrote:


And lets try to keep it to topic


Agreed. When can we expect the next chapter?


ditto *talks in hulk voice* Me want chapter NOW!!! *goes and destroys an army base for no apparent reason*

[Temjin-On]

Well, Im working on the chapter now, so look for it soon. Wow, somebody wants to read what Im writing, I feal soo loved!

[odie2088]

FEAL ISN'T A WORD! try feel....man, you don't pay attention in english, do you? what do you get on those vocab quizzes anyway?

[Gnarled_rose]

Well, I've been abandoning this site on and off for a while, due to my getting-a-new-game-that-happens-to-be-funnier-and-more-challenging-than-Pso thing. But this single fanfic brought me back. I, for one, thought the chapter size was perfect. Then again, I just read a book with chapter 1 being 50 pages long. Anyway, I'm looking forward to this fanfic, and I'm glad to see someone do something controversial for once. None of this nampy-pamby, tippy-toeing through the flowers crap here! No, sirree!
Keep it up! Good so far. And awwaaaay I go!

[Sord]

how dare you call PSO not challenging! That's in insult! It's just boringly repetive unless you play online unlike me http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_frown.gif . But your right about the humor though, the biggest laugh you'll get offline is probably from Dr. Montaque. And i'm off topic here, but i like to anwser (yes i know it's spelt wrong!) a lot of things. Sorry!

[Skett]

Sorry but PSO isn't that challenging. Unless you dont do the Guild Quests, purchase better equipment, and use healing techs/items then PSO is more boring than easy.

*coughcoughwhatgamedidyouget,Gnarled_rose?coughcou gh*

Anyways, Hope the chapter come up soon.

[Temjin-On]

Okay, heres the next chapter.
Again, sorry its a short chapter, but its just setting things up more.

The Dark Chronicles Of Lafiel

Chapter One

Master Rivers soon appeared standing in the hallway entrance. He stood there 5'9 with his blue hair drawn back hanging down to the top of the collar of his Fur coat, smoking on a fine cigar and wearing enough jewelry to possibly buy anything. "Ah, Miss Lukess, thank you for joining me here. My name is Akira Nada Rivers, but, they call me Master Rivers.", said Master Rivers. "I hope that your time here will change your life.". Master Rivers then made a hand motion to the man who had brought Lafiel in, and with that he walked away. "Okay then, Miss Lukess, come this way please.", said Master Rivers motioning for her to follow. "Uh okay then.", replied Lafiel. The hallway the set off down was not long, and at the end was a set of large platinum doors.

"Sit down Miss Lukess, make your self comfortable", said Master Rivers with an evil grin. "So, what is your name? What is it that they call you?". "Oh, my names Lafiel, Mr. Rivers.", said Lafiel as she sat down. "Please, call me Master Rivers. All my other 'clients' call me Master.", said Master Rivers. "Now, let us discuss your contract. By now you must have figured out that I am not an acting agent.", said Rivers. "Your Not?", said Lafiel. "Well, them again I should have known something wasnt right.". "You should have never come Miss Lukess.", said Rivers. "For you are now in the hands of the most notorious Pimp Pioneer 2 has ever seen!". "You're a Pimp?", gasped Lafiel. "Then what do you want with......Oh your kidding, you cant be serious! No chance in hell!". "Miss Lukess. You have no choice, I have you now. You will not be allowed to leave here. You will work for me or die.", said Rivers. "I'll do no such thing!", shouted Lafiel as she whipped out her Knives. Lafiel then Proceded to lung at Rivers with her daggers pointing at his chest. But Rivers just swiped away this attack sending Lafiel flying back over the desk into a chair. "Resistance is useless Miss Lukess.", said Master Rivers. Not one to give up a fight Lafiel took out a handgun, jumped on to the desk and pistol whipped Master Rivers upside the head. "I will not be sold like some slave.", yelled Lafiel as Rivers hit the floor, knocked out from the blow.

[odie2088]

PISTOL WHIP! -whipping noise- you show'em, you blue-haired, pointy-eared freak! go lafiel!

[Skett]

Good chapter but the chapter has one glaring problem: pharagraphs. You have them all clunky which makes the post look kinda ugly. Also, usually when another person starts to speak, you create another paragraph.

Yeah, sorry for the lesson but I'm sure if you clear this up, the fic will look better and read twice as nice. Finally, you got me hooked. I cant wait to see what happens to Lafial.


This post is rated I for Informational

[MQuantum]

'tis true, what Skett said. 'Tis true...

Well, I'm not sure if that would really have fallen out that way in real life, but this isn't real life, is it? http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif

[Skett]

On 2003-12-07 19:00, MQuantum wrote:
'tis true, what Skett said. 'Tis true...


Yep, its true. Wait, what I say?

Ok, when can we expect the next chapter? I want to get more adventures of Lafiel (at least until I buy the next Crest of the Stars DVD)

[Sord]

more character detail on my behalf, that's my opinion.