Girlfriend Problems

[Kizaragu]

I've been dating this girl for almost 2 weeks now and things were great. We really get on well together, have a laugh and both feel comfotable together.
She's the sister of a good friend of mine (Emma) whom I tell everything too. She helps me out alot with any problems I have and I'd trust her with my life.

Well...

Last night I got a call from my Girlfriend telling me she'd fallen out with her sister and got kicked out. She was now staying at her dad's place. I offerd to come round or just wanted to talk over the phone. She declined and I said I'd call her in the morning.
5 minutes later I recieved a text from her sister telling me she'd seen Nicola (my gf) getting out of her ex 37 year old boyfriends car Earlier in the day and that's what they had fallen out over. She felt she should tell me as she didn't like the thought of her sister messing me around...
But seconds after I recieved the text message, Emma rang me and apologised saying it was simply a case of mistaken identity and she was sorry she'd upset me. She also asked me not to tell my girlfriend (her sister).
I then got a text from my girlfriend, telling me she'd patched things up with her sister (kind of) and would speak to me in the morning as she really needed to 'confess' something (Her exact words).

Well...
I spoke to her this morning and she mentioned nothing about last nights events. She was going to spend the day around her friends house (who she hasn't seen in ages) and I was just going to lie in bed all day (I needed it. Too much overtime at work).

Out of the blue this afternoon, I recieved a text from Nicola confessing she'd spent last night at her 37 year old ex-boyfriends and was sorry!
I've been screening her calls most of the evening and have told her I'm too upset to speak to her tonight, I'll talk to her in the morning when I've calmed down.
Then I recieved a text from her saying she spent the night there as a 'friend' as she had no where else to stay!?
Excuse me, but she was at her dad's place when I spoke to her the previouse evening! And she could always have stayed round her current boyfriends no...? If she was having some difficulty? And if it was all innocent, why did she feel she had to 'confess' it to me, as she had said previousely?

I really have no idea what to do. I'm going to have to speak to her sometime soon and I need some advice.

I just don't like the thought of being messed around like that so early into the relationship... http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_frown.gif

[ABDUR101]

I'm going to be blunt. Don't bother with her anymore. You don't goto ex's houses unless you are good friends after breaking up, but then who you're currently going out with would have to be accepting of it as well.

If she was already at her father's, then there was no reason to goto the ex's, period. And all the same, would she have been able to stay at your house if need be? I'm not getting how she had to be anywhere near her ex's, unless they are still good friends and ACKNOWLEDGE that it's only friendship and nothing more.(There has to be alot of mutual respect in that case)

Ultimately, I'd cut it off. If someone is leaving gaps and question marks in their actions that are causing you to second guess things they do, it's not worth the headache and possibility of them screwing around.

Just my thought on it anyways. Gotta be able to 100% trust the actions of someone you're with.

[Kizaragu]

Abdur, you took the words right out of my mouth. Your pretty damn good at giving out advice.

She keeps changing her story with every text and I'm getting more and more confused.

Now apparently, she didn't spend the night she only went round his to pick up her stuff? Again, why would she need to 'confess' that to me?
Telling me she had to go to her ex's to collect some of her belongings would of been fine. I would of been happy she'd of told me first.
But why confess to me that she spent the night there, to now say she didn't?
Apparently she's really upset that I won't speak to her.
She also apparently went round to tell her ex to back off (which is quite believeable I guess), but again, why didn't she tell me!? and again, why tell me she spent the night if that's all she did?

But like you said (and what I was thinking), I should end it now. You can't have a relationship with someone you don't trust.
I'll just have to wait and see what happens in the morning when I speak to her proppally.

Anger is a condition in which the tongue moves faster than the mind.

[Outrider]

Eeesh...

Abdur's got it on the head, but I'm a sucker for giving second and third chances. My problem, I guess. Good luck though, man. Hope everything works out.

Sheesh... Women can sure be evil.

[Black000Moon]

*cough* assassination(jk) *cough* who said that?

[Deathscythealpha]

I would re-evaluate whats going on between the two of you. You cant have a good relationship if one of you doesnt trust the other. I would have a look at where each of you stand and see where you want to go from there. It seems a bit strange that she has to go behind your back so early on in a relationship, maybe finding out why could help you?

In a way if shes sorry for whats she's done (if shes done something, her stories seem wierd and hard to follow) you may be able to forgive her, but you dont want her to think that she can get away with doing that sort of thing behind your back, or she may go and do it again. Just try and make it so you two can trust each other or break up.

[ABDUR101]

Wait a second, it's not just women, it's just people in general. Some are dumbshits that will never get themselves in order, must constantly be babysat and second guessed because they can't get themselves in order.

Eventually, you learn to overlook people's opinions who's opinions are shit, you ignore the company of people who's company is for shit, and you don't think any thing of it because you realise that had you taken their advice or their company into consideration, it would only have made the situation worse.

[ilr2000]

It sounds like your gf has a self destructive problem right now. If what you say is true that you both had lots of fun and things like that... then her cheating on you and immediately admitting it and saying sorry strikes me as being beyond rational thought. When people do things that are clearly not in their own best interest, there's usually a subconscious thought running amok in their minds, telling them they are bad people. Most commonly, its due to an earlier event in their life that influenced them and made them think poorly of themselves. This is why they act in self sabotage, because their subconscious is telling them they don't deserve a loving boyfriend (or something like that)... so they purposely screw it up. Thats probably why she told you she cheated so soon after doing so. She never intended to get away with it.

In my opinion... I would say to stand by her. Leaving her would only further drive home the delusion that she's unlovable. But if you stay and try to help her, she may become a better person because of it. Try to talk to her very directly about it. Most importantly.. do not get angry at her and place all the blame on her. I know it sounds crazy, but if you do that... it'll only wrosen the situation. You're trying to tell her she's not a bad person, and getting angry at her is the exact opposite.

edit-added some stuff at end.




<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: ilr2000 on 2004-01-04 12:41 ]</font>

[Allos]

Was this the girl from your previous threads that was pregnant? Not that it matters but I'm confused...

[Kizaragu]

On 2004-01-04 13:11, Allos wrote:
Was this the girl from your previous threads that was pregnant? Not that it matters but I'm confused...
No.
Nice you rememberd though. Different girl entirely.

[ABDUR101]

Thats actually iffy, if she has a self-destruction issue. And if kiza's only been with her for two weeks, why should he take the initiative and the helm to get her back on whatever track?

He should'nt have the responsibility put on his shoulders unless he feels up to it. And I know that sounds like a cold thing to say, but thats how I see it. It would'nt be ignorant of him to not do it.

Yeah, he could help her with the self-value problems she has, help her realise that she really only has to live up to her own expectations and that she is worth something, but what if she already is living up to her own expectations and doesn't care?

I'm all for helping people if they are deserving, but there are alot of people out there who just use people without a second thought.

That's a risk that kiza has to weigh and decide on.

Depends entirely on how well he knows her after two weeks of being together. But really, the lieing and all that, makes you second guess all of it.

[Kizaragu]

I know she has had some problems in the past (But then again haven't we all?) so it could be a possibility.

She's had some bad experiences with other guys (She hasn't told me how bad, but her sister was telling me they were quite traumatic) and I don't really know the details.

I really like her and would love for it too work, but I'm not sure if I'm up to the responcibility.

Apparently she really likes me (Nagged her sister to set us up for ages apparently) as she thinks I'm different (in a good way) to most guys she's been out with.
Apparently she's distraught that I'm angry with her...

Just going to have to sleep on it I guess, and decide if I'm up for the challenge.

[KaFKa]

although this might be a little late, im gonna give my 2 cents anyways...

from what everyone else has said, and from what you've said, she seems to be (somewhat) fucked in the head. kinda like what ilr was saying. she has (either intentionally or unintentionally) gotten herself into a hole that she cant get out of. i personally think that you should give her a second chance. (my GF had done something somewhat similar, and i gave her a second chance)

also, if you're wanting to get the story, you might want to call her ex (if you know his phone number). unless the guy is a complete asshole and/or moron, most guys are cool enough to give the real story and not be a subtle about it (there are exceptions, obviously, but this is in a general sense).

other than that, just do what seems right to you. if it seems to just be a varitable black hole, get away from it. if she can manage to come clean, welcome her with open arms.

just a couple of thoughts. best of luck to you, kiz...

[Skett]

Well, I have never been in this situation but I am still going to give my two cents. Like Kafka said, speak to her ex. Ok, thats terrible but y'now. Hope some good comes out of it and humans suck.

[ilr2000]

ABDUR101,

Everyone is built the same exact way, from king to peasant. The only difference between the two is that the king was born into a comfortable life, and the peasant was not. We cannot say that the peasant deserves to be a peasant because they were born a peasant.

Staying on topic..

From what Kiz said it sounds like this girl had some pretty nasty experiences. To say she is deserving of mistreatment because she mistreats herself is just... bad. Do you think you could have done a better job if you were in her position? We don't know the details... but she had "traumatic" experiences with guys in the past. Personally, I don't think it would be my place to simplify her difficulties and claim she's just not trying hard enough.

The people who use other and the people who are used by others are both experiencing the same level of pain. You can't help just one side you have you help both sides. Kiz, in the end its still your choice. That would be taking on a huge responsibility. It all depends on how important she is to you. If you dont want to see her throw her life away, then most certainly step in. But if you're in no position to help her then there isn't much you can do. Whatever you decide.. I dont think you should bare a grudge against her and act cold towards her.

[ABDUR101]

I never said she wasn't deserving of being helped, I don't know her, her past, her past experiences or any of that, I only know what kiz has said of her. I never said she has to always be the "peasant" in life, I said I would'nt help someone if the situation seemed too iffy. I'm not going to dedicate myself to helping someone, for their overall benefit at the expense of heart and head ache on my part, if they don't deserve it, and by that, I mean they don't care enough to put forth the effort. I'm sure there are many people who would, and really, thats great, but thats not me.

And since I only know kiz, and not her, I'm more or less giving kiz advice, so he doesn't come out of it with nothing gained, nor have made the situation any better.

Kiz, overall, if you do plan to help her, goodluck with it. Hopefully she realises her self worth as a person, but if she doesn't, thats not your fault. Just remember that.

[ilr2000]

I agree that kiz should not be obligated to help her if the personal expensive is far too great. That would put him in a situation not unlike the girl he's talking about. I only felt I needed to say something because in each of your posts you said something along the lines of: some people dont deserve help, because they're just not trying hard enough. Again I ask... what do you know? Genetically, we're all very alike. Meaning... all of our pains, pleasure, joys, and griefs feel pretty much the same. It sounds foolish to claim someone simply hasn't tried hard enough when sitting in a comfortable box seat far from the theater's stage. I dont think any human being ever has the right to say who deserves what treatment.



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: ilr2000 on 2004-01-05 00:10 ]</font>

[Anubis_]

In my opinion.. Spendin the night at a ex boyfriends house is definately a relationship breaker.. I really wouldnt care much for a gf bf relationship after something like that has happend..

But..

If you're really a forgiving person and you really think she wont do it again... ... ... I dont know.. Things like this are confusing.. Trust is hard to develop.. but so easily destroyed..

Ah fuck that.. heres my story..

I meet this girl.. we started talkin and eventualy we became very close.. After two months, she told me she started having conversations with her ex.. like your girl, she told me about it.. Then a few months later she left me for him...

Maybe I screwed up.. Maybe you hv a better relationship with your woman than I have with mine..

All im sayin is,, Watch your back.. Nothin comes between a good relationship like a previous one..

[Kizaragu]

Well today we talked breifly on the phone (She's called me on her lunch break just as I finished work. She's working late tonight) and both apologised to one another. Seems like I got my wires crossed and automatically assumed the worst.

But again, we'll have to wait till tomorow when I can see her in person to find out what happened propally...

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Kizaragu on 2004-01-05 11:37 ]</font>

[darthsaber9x9]

On 2004-01-05 11:23, Kizaragu wrote:
. Seems like I got my wires crossed and automatically assumed the worst.


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Kizaragu on 2004-01-05 11:37 ]</font>


cant blame ya, what else could you think?

[ILLI]

WORD OF ADVICE...

Lay down the law now.. let her know that her spending the night at her ex's is not acceptable no matter the cicumstances.. make sure she sees the shoes on the other feet before you let her back in so easily.. if you do not lay down the law or just automatically let her back in, she will see it as something she can do again.. Once that pattern has started in the relationship it will continue.. she will continue to hang out at her ex's and you will get madder and madder..

Let her know now you do not feel comfortable with her staying at her ex's overnight period..


From my point of view (that is grounds for a divorce,dissolution,separation,breakup).. if that happened to me no matter how much i cared or was whipped for the girl, it would take a lot to regain my trust and respect.. therefore it would be much easier for us both to just end it there.. btw.. she would have tons of azz kissin to do hehe

[Genoa]

If you can't trust her, you can't be with her. No matter how much YOU like her, if she isn't trustworthy toward you, your only gunna hurt yourself. She's not going to care as much as you are... seeing she's the one doing the deceiving. I do believe some people deserve 2nd chances but by what you told me, she needs some time to think about what she's doing to you. She's not the only one in the relationship. But Abdur said mostly everything else I was going to say. So, it's up to you, I learned not to really talk about relationships because they don't know what you know... and (in this type of subject) you can't describe how you feel about her with words, you should know what I mean, if you got deep enough with her. I'm currently having an emotional meltdown, I have no clue what to do, but I don't think anybody can help me here, or anybody for that matter. But don't give up on love, I tried it... it just comes back to haunt you. You can't stick on one person (according to everybody else), I was told this but I can't help it, I believe she was the one for me. We're only apart because she moved........ to Japan............ I'm sry, this is your thread. I have no other advice I can give. Maybe life will be kind to you.



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: MegamanX on 2004-01-05 14:15 ]</font>

[ABDUR101]

Deserving or not, nobody knows(there are those who will take advantage of someone's help, which is why I brought it up since the situation seems fishy anyway), and I don't care either way, just looking out for kiz, my advice was to him alone.

[trunkszero]

On 2004-01-05 14:11, MegamanX wrote:
If you can't trust her, you can't be with her. No matter how much YOU like her, if she isn't trustworthy toward you, your only gunna hurt yourself. She's not going to care as much as you are... seeing she's the one doing the deceiving. I do believe some people deserve 2nd chances but by what you told me, she needs some time to think about what she's doing to you.


exactly, i know from experience, if your forgiving she will only do it again once she gains your trust back

[opaopajr]

on a more important note...

if you've had serious fooling around relations GET TESTED!!!!

even if you haven't had coitus intercourse, but had fellatio, cunnilingus, genital rubbing, anal penetration or mutual masterbation GET TESTED!!! heck, if you shared pretty much any deep tissue fluids (blood, semen, vaginal mucus, anal mucus, etc) GET TESTED!

STD are equal opportunity transmitters and several viral STDs are suprisingly high on the contagious factor.

PS: and get tested 6 months after the first test too!

*Your public health service announcement has now ended*

[Genoa]

On 2004-01-06 03:02, opaopajr wrote:
on a more important note...

if you've had serious fooling around relations GET TESTED!!!!

even if you haven't had coitus intercourse, but had fellatio, cunnilingus, genital rubbing, anal penetration or mutual masterbation GET TESTED!!! heck, if you shared pretty much any deep tissue fluids (blood, semen, vaginal mucus, anal mucus, etc) GET TESTED!

STD are equal opportunity transmitters and several viral STDs are suprisingly high on the contagious factor.

PS: and get tested 6 months after the first test too!

*Your public health service announcement has now ended*


As nasty as that may sound for some people, your absolutely right. But i'm saving myself for marrige so I don't have to worry about that.

[Anubis_]

But i'm saving myself for marrige so I don't have to worry about that.


Omg.. And here i thought i was the last of the Do Dos.. (No pun intended..)

[Genoa]

the Do Dos? you lost me...

[opaopajr]

an extinct species of bird on the maldives or seychelles islands (can't remember now).

reference means chiding about vrginity as last of an about to be extinct species.

spelled Dodo.

[Genoa]

oh yey!, that bird... I knew that... I thought you ment dodo as in someone stupid or something. So... i'm guessing what he said was a good thing... (yey?)

[Kizaragu]

Back on topic...

Me and Nicola have talked it over and have pretty much decided (mutually) that we're just going to be friends.
I'm a little gutted I have to admit, but I think it's for the best. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_smile.gif

[darthsaber9x9]

hey unlucky man, next time eh?

[Guille]

I hate it when they say they want to be "just friends."

[Outrider]

Oh, I hate it when they say that and actually mean they want to be more than friends. Again, girls = evil.