PDA

View Full Version : Fan fic: Darkchyld: a link between worlds



Darkchyld
Feb 19, 2004, 09:11 PM
Darkchyld:
A link between worlds


I was walking down a road. At least I thought it was a road. There was no lights overhead, making it seem that some strange god had cast me into darkness. I hear a soft shuffle behind me and I begin to pick up my pace. Looking around at my surroundings, I see dark forms in the shadows. I begin to wonder when I will reach my destination. It had been almost 6 hours since I left home and I was beginning to wonder if I would ever find my father, Robert. I pause as I come to the edge of the forest. I look ahead and see that it opens up wide, like a meadow. Should I continue, or should I turn around? Whatever?s behind me will get me anyway, so I see no point in making myself easy prey. I continue forward through the opening and come under a faint light. I can see a station not too far ahead. I start forward so deep in though that I almost didn?t hear the faint laughter and the soft tinkling of falling glass. Jumping the other way as the light fixture showers down glass, leaving me in darkness. I hear pounding feet coming in my direction. I pick myself up and stand ready in my stance. I hear a soft whirling noise from behind me. I shift my body off to the left as a stick comes whizzing past. I bring the flat end of the short sword up as my arm explodes in pain, knocking me down the to ground. Falling, I twist my body and glide across my shoulders, kicking my legs over my hips hitting my attacker in the head and sweeping him off his feet. I hear a thud and a howl of pain as I spring to my feet from a handstand, and catch the saber in my hand swinging it down in my stance, ready for the next attack. Suddenly, I hear laughter and soft whirling noises. I swing the saber over my head and stop it inches from my face. Soft thuds are felt as it comes to a stop. I twirl the saber and slam it into the toe of my attacker. Swing my feet up over my head, twisting my body in the air. I kick down, bringing the saber with me and slamming it to the ground with great force. The saber impacted with a loud crack and comes back at me. I spin the saber, bringing the end backward hitting my third attacker in the head. Letting the stick glide across my back, I stand ready in my stance. Hearing nothing but the soft heaving of my breath. I carefully examine the saber in my hands and begin to chuckle.
I wonder what a poor assassin like that had such a powerful rod as this. I approach my bike carefully, and attempt to strap the saber to my pack. Realizing that I forgot to pull the darts out, I turn it over to reveal four stars suck in the sabers blade.
?That?s going to be a little bit of money to repair a blade as fine as that.?
I whip around to see a strange man with claws walking out of the darkness.
?My name is Ba?almazon if your wondering and I am a Humar. From the looks of how you handled those Del sabers, you are a Humar, are you not??
?What do you know of this place old man? What is a Humar, or whatever it is you called me? Exactly how long were you standing there watching me??
?So many questions that will be answered in time my young friend. For now, the only thing that you need to know is that you are in a place called Ragol. All you need to know is that right now you need to wake up for your world needs you.?
Chuckling to myself I enter the station only to be blinded by a bright light. Sitting up in my bed, look around. Crap I?m late for my training. I jump out of bed and pull on a shirt and look at my Shoyru sitting on my nightstand. Sometimes I wonder why I got that thing. All it?s done since I got it is get me in trouble and make my life busier than it is. Not that it?s a bad thing but still, I can?t help but think of the girl that gave it to me. Turning to walk out, I wonder if she will ever talk to me again.
As long as I stay positive, there is still hope I tell myself, picking up my training rod. I pause at the door and look to my right.
Was that cabinet there before? I can?t remember. Strange, I don?t forget things like that. Oh well, stress will do that to ya if your not careful. I shrug it off as I walk down the road to my school. At least I have a place to live away from all the noise. I smile at my self for the way I handled myself in my dream last night. Even for it being a dream I did everything that I had been taught. I wonder if my training is complete yet. After all, I can take on the master and the way I beat Gaywn yesterday made him look like a fool with his sword. Suddenly, I stop and scream in pain, as my back seems to explode. Breathing hard and leaning on my training rod, I wait till the spasms subside. Standing up straight, I begin walking down the road to my school. I wonder why I get these spasms. They only seem to happen when things are going well or extremely bad. Maybe I?ll just ask the master, he knows a lot; at least I think he does. Perplexed by my problem, I continue walking down the road when I come across a fawn lying in the tall grass. I can see that there was nobody around, but it is wounded pretty badly. I approach carefully as not to alarm the fawn, but all it did was lay there looking at me with those big brown eyes. Slowly I put down the training rod and open my pack for the bandages and ointments I had in it. Showing that I meant no harm, I slowly approached the it, and bandaged the wound under its left foreleg. As soon as I was done wrapping the wound and rubbing the ointment in, I started backing off. That?s when the fawn jumped up and ran from me. At least I was able to help someone today. What in the word is that! I turned and saw a large doglike creature sniffing the air a little ways off. Grabbing my rod, I closed my pack and climbed a tree that was just a few feet away. I watched the creature as it weaves in and out of the trees as if searching for something. As it came closer, I noticed that the creature had not been as far away as I thought it was. It looked like a large black dog from the distance I first saw it, but now as it approached, it looked like a small bear. I could see the muscles through the thick fur and the thing had a strange air about it, almost like evil. Getting to the spot where the fawn had been, it began licking the blood when it jerked its head up suddenly, sniffing the air. It began to slowly approach my tree, hackles rising in the back of its neck. Stopping a few feet away, it circled the tree slowly, sniffing around. Watching the creature, I knew that any moment that it could look up and see me. I wonder if I could move through the trees without it noticing me. Suddenly the creature raised its broad head, and looked at me. Too late. I felt so small in that tree with something that big looking as hungry as it was. I looked right in its blood shot red eyes and felt nothing but hate, and a hunger that could never be quenched. Squeezing my rod, I sprang from the branch I was on and ran along the one below it. Snarling in fury, the creature slammed into the tree knocking me off balance. There was a sound like thunder as the tree started to fall. I leaped from the branch I was on and landed in a tree a few yards away. No sooner had I landed on a branch, I felt a shudder in the tree. Losing my balance, I slipped and caught myself in the branch as the tree fell on top of me, pinning my rod across my chest. Grabbing the one end, I strained to pull it free. I heard a snarl and felt a massive weight on my leg. I looked over the branch to see the creature creeping along the tree, mouth open wide in a huge snarl, drool oozing out of its mouth. oh know that?s just gross. Who knows where his mouth has been I don?t need this right now, I really don?t. It crouched down, ready to pounce on me at any second as strained to free myself. It launched itself into the air, coming at me. That was all the room I needed. Shifting my weight and pulling my rod free, I let go just as the creature was almost on me. Rolling under the tree I hear a loud CRACK as it connects with the beasts head and sends it careening into a nearby tree. Without hesitation, I grab my pack and pull out my twin swords. Each one cackles to life as my fingers touch the hilts, one of lightning, one of ice. Shifting into my stance, I approach the creature carefully. It stands up and all fours, shaking its head from the concussion.
?Why do you hit me so master??
?Huh, who?s there??
I look around, startled at the voice. The dog like creature pulled back its mouth in an evil grin.
?Don?t you remember master? You told me to kill anything that came around the hut.?
?What! What are you talking about? Get out of my head.?
?Yes master, what ever you say, master!?
I watched as the dog began to run at me. Can something that big really move that fast? Realizing what was happening, I leaped to my right just as he pounced leaving the air with traces of light. Hitting the ground, I shift my weight and throw myself at the dog as he lands. The creature howls in pain as the air becomes cold. Turning away from it, i hearits legs break off bit by bit as they roll down the hill. I walk to my pack and strap the swords to the outside in case something else was to happen. Picking up my pack, I pause. Did I just hear the sound of rushing water? I throw myself to the left. Something big hits the ground where I was. Silence. I pick myself up and look where I was standing. There I see a small crater with the dog?s head, tongue hanging out and bloody. Turning around to see where the head came from I see a small fire where I left its body. Walking over, I see a blade stuck in a tree and it was smoking. Grabbing the hilt, the tree explodes in flames, leaving nothing but ashes. It appears to be nothing but plain steel, but its as light as a feather. I wonder. Turning to the remains of the dog, I touch the tip of the sword to its body and jump back as it starts to thrash around and burst into flames. The howling of a dying animal is heard off behind me.
?Nooooooooo! My duty isn?t done yet. Please master, have mercy?
I whip around, sword ready when everything goes silent. At least I got rid of that horrible creature. Looking over my shoulder I see that the body was gone and there was nothing that remained of the battle between that dog and me; but the sword in my hand. Turning to leave I see a glint off in the corner of my eye. Looking I see diamond encrusted silver scabbard. Curious as to where it came from, I walk over and pick it up. It felt cold to the touch, really cold. Pausing for a moment I thrust the sword into the scabbard, ready to drop it at any moment. Letting out a deep sigh of relief, I pick up my pack and continue to my school. It?s strange in a way, how my life is changing. Even without all these strange things happening to me, my life hasn?t been the same since I met that girl. Not that it?s a bad thing, I just? we?ll just say that since she stopped talking to me a shadow has fallen over my house. It?s like an evil thing that will not let anything good happen around me. I?m just glad that I live by myself all alone at the top of my mountain. Crossing the threshold of my property, I sniff the air and smell smoke. THE SCHOOL! I take one step and fall on all fours screaming in pain. What?s happening to me! Screaming in agony, I feel the pain spread through my body. It started at my shoulders and crept down my back. Howling from the pain, wings erupt from my shoulder blades. Power surges through my body as I stand, feeling more alive than ever before in my life. Grabbing my rod and my pack, I begin to run. Trees and rocks seem a blur as I race to the school. Feeling the hill get steeper, I jump and spread my wings. Losing control of my body, I flap my wings and gain altitude from the speed I was traveling. Swooping low towards my target, I see people fighting strange creatures. Diving towards the closest battle, I throw my rod like a spear and watch as it pierces the creature?s head. I reach for my pack and realize it?s gone. Instead, I grab the hilt of the flame sword and pull it free with a roar of fire. Looking down at my waist I see my other sword and pull it free with a cackle of energy. Suddenly it attaches itself to the hilt of the fire sword and pain erupts in my hands. Dropping the deadly double bladed sword, I watch as it swoops at me again. The ice blade is out in an instant, turning the air cold. I block the first blade, only to be hit with the other. Careening through the sky, I crash into the school.
I sit up, dazed from the crash. That was a powerful hit. I need something to defend myself, but with what? I look around for a decent weapon but find none. I get up to search when I see something black and glossy off to my right. Grabbing the bindings, the saber flickers to life. Walking out I fly up to my attacker, twirling my double sabers. As I approach my opponent, it glows with an eerie red light. Swooping to attack, I notice that the sword had nearly doubled in length that is if you could call them swords anymore. I dart in, saber whirling through the air. In one second the swords change angles and slice through the saber, causing a release in immense energy, flinging me to the ground. Hitting the ground the air in my lungs goes out with a loud thud. Attempting to get up, I feel something slam me hard from behind. Pain surges through me, draining my strength as I struggle to move. I turn my head only to see the saber and the sword binding together on my back. Everything starts to get foggy as I slip into the awaiting darkness. I hate Mondays. I step out of the station and head south towards the building. I begin my journey through the forest but I feel odd. Like something is watching me. I sense movement off to my left when suddenly; I am thrown into the air. Reaching back and grabbing the saber strapped to my pack, I pull it free. I feel something slam against the back of my head and come crashing to the ground, leaving and imprint in the dirt. Rolling into a ball, I spring off my hands and throw my feet over my head as a shadowy form flies over my pack. Bounding to my feet, I race after the form, saber in hand ready. A whistling noise is heard and I dive for the shadowy form and swing my saber upwards. Feeling a soft thud I twirl my saber around the other direction, cracking the thing in the head. Continuing the momentum of the saber I slam it forward, hard knocking the shadow to the ground. Hearing an inhuman squeal, I throw the saber and jump out of the way. Rage filled eyes peer at me as the barbarous wolf glares at through the shadowed forests. Lunging again with the saber in its neck, I kick the wolf in the head, knocking it down in mid jump. Hideous laughter is heard as I pull my rod free. I stand read, probing for anything that moves. A flash of white to my right and the saber's blade takes its place as I swing, feeling nothing I let it twirl and spin it behind and roll forward. A loud hiss is heard as it bounces off its target and stabs into the dirt. Reaching for my sword I stand ready. Nothing. Satisfied with the silence I walk over to the saber. An eerie dark glow appears around it and I reach out to touch it. FREEDOM, SO LONG HERE IN THIS CHAMBER. HATE, KILL, KILL, KILL. Wrenching my hand back the glow disappears as I see a young girl float off into the sky with a scream of agony. Grabbing the saber, pain explodes in my hand and I fall back, paralyzed as my eyes roll back in my head. Opening my eyes I see the old man looking down on me.
"That was quite a fight young man. You are definitely a Ramar with that kind of accuracy. Even without a rifle you are just as deadly with the Stag Cutlery."
"What do you want old man? If you are trying to tell me something, then just tell me what it is and don't toy with me."
"Well toying with you isn't what my intentions were. I can see that you bear the black ID, there on your chest. What is your name young man?"
"That's for me to know and you to find out. What does it matter what color my ID is? I see that you have a Blue one, like I know what it means."
"Well young man for your information I am a Skyly, not a Blue. I was just asking because I have never before seen that ID before, and trust me I've been everywhere on Ragol."
"Where is Ragol? I?ve never heard of it."
?unless..."
"Unless what, I'm destined to be here. I?ve heard that one before and I know what you're talking about. I?ve already beaten Vol opt so you can just bite me."
"No its not Vol opt you must worry about, its Dark Fals. The one who is responsible for us being here in the first place. Since you know everything, I'll just tell you that you need to go to the ruins to understand what I mean."
"What is your name old man?"
"Some call me Delocrox others call me Logain. Yes, Logain will do for now. I?ll see you soon, perhaps on Pioneer 2."
Stepping back into a red haze, I watch has he shimmers and disappears in front of my eyes. The ruins? Pah who cares about the ruins, I need to get home I don?t belong here in "Ragol" was it. I don?t remember, it's not important to me. I walk off pondering where the shortest route would be when I feel a sharp pain in my back. Whirling around I look for my attacker. Seeing nothing I go to turn when there is a flash of red. Swinging my saber, the beam is cut in half and I am left unharmed. Glaring in the direction of the shot I focus. Standing up straight, I cast Rafoie and see the explosion a little ways off. Hearing a yelp I run towards the sound. Seeing a nothing but a Shot lying there I turn to see a huge foot coming towards my head. Blocking it with the grip of my saber, I sidestep and slam my elbow into it?s back. A howl of pain is heard as I slip the saber through his arms and whip him through the air slamming him to the ground with a mighty thump. Spinning with my saber, I slam my feet into it?s upper back, rendering it unconscious. Hmm, armor plating, an odd shaped head yet bigger than a human. Wonder what it is. "That my friend is a Racast; In other words, it?s an android.?
"Oh okay... wait who are you"
"Me oh I?m Aram, the Ramar."
Turning I start to laugh hysterically.
"What's so funny, the fact that I?m a Pinkal? Is that it!"
Stopping almost instantly I realize this "Pinkal" could easily waste me. Seeing the hardened muscles in his arms, chest, and legs I could see that he could snap me in half backwards without even a breaking a sweat.
"Actually, I was laughing because of that raygun your holding in your hand."
That was true, partially. The thing looked no bigger than my hand and the shot that this "Racast" had was half the size of me.
"Power comes in the strangest forms my friend. I?m sorry to have to do this but it has to be done."
Raising his raygun at me, I start to swing my saber when he shoots. Stopping inches from his hand I feel heavy. Trying to look down at my feet I realize that I can't move. Sighing heavily, Aram walks up to me and hits me in the head with his gun.
Shaking my head from the hit I open my eyes and see that I?m back in my forest. I look down and see the sword/rod sitting off to my right hand. Picking it up, it felt amazing light for it?s size. Looking around I see that I?m in the southern most part of the woods in my property. Heading up the hill I see a cave that shouldn't have been there. At least I don?t think it should be there, still too many holes in my memory. Shaking my head, I go head for the cave when I see a knot in a tree next to the cave. I don?t know why I saw it, but I did so I put my hand up to touch it when an arrow appears in the middle of my hand. Glaring at myself at such stupidity, I pull my hand free and throw my sword/rod in the direction of the arrow. I hear a loud thump, as it hit's a tree a ways off. Looking around cautiously, I approach the tree for my weapon when another arrow comes off from the left, pinning my shoulder to the tree. Grimacing in pain I reach up to pull the shaft out when another one comes from the right, pinning my hand to the tree. Smiling, an archer clad in green walks out and looks me over and turns to leave.
"It?s not wise for someone like you to turn your back on me, especially since this is my own backyard."
Laughing hysterically he turns around and lets another arrow fly, splitting the shaft in my shoulder and making the wound wider. I grunt in disapproval as he turns but I never took my eyes off the archer. Anger boiling, I reach up and pull the arrow out of my hand. Throwing it down, I reach up and break the shaft of the other and step off the tree. Where are you, you little prick. I?m going to hit you so hard in the face you knees will feel the echo. Sprinting in the direction he went I hear a loud twang. I?m not one to fall for that one again. I back flip and throw the arrows back at my attacker upon landing on the ground with a loud grunt. Walking back to my weapon, I pull it out of the tree and head towards his pleas of mercy. Upon entering the clearing, he yelps in surprise and struggles to free himself from his own arrows.
"What are you doing in my forest archer, or don?t you know that hunting is not allowed in these parts."
Glaring at me, he spits at my shoe still struggling to free himself.
"Suits yourself, you can just hang there all day for all I care."
"I think that every one should have a black man in their family. As a matter of fact, there is one hanging from the tree right now."
Whirling around I slam my weapon into his left hand and twist.
"What did you say you worthless piece of pond scum. How would you like it if I cut you open so the birds and the animals can feast upon your worthless flesh? Is that what you want you piece of paddy waste."
Smiling through his perfect blood stained teeth, he stares at me in the eyes
"You heard me nigaaaaaaaaaaah."
He screams in agony as I twist the sword again. Nothing but a waste of my valuable time. Jerking the sword free, I turn to walk away as he shouts insults at my back. Heading back to the cave I strap my saber to my back and punch the knot in the tree and the cave hole widens. Stupid fool, doesn't he know what's in these woods I could have cut him down and freed him but he had to open his foul mouth. What did he mean by black man anyway. Did he mean the Aiel? Hesitating at the entrance I turn to go back when I hear a roar and a blood-curdling scream. Too late. Uh well, all's well that ends well I guess. He got what he deserved so I have no pity for the mortal. I don?t think my skin is that dark, is it? Entering the cave, I feel a tingling feeling. Stepping out into the light, I see that I am now holding the stag cutlery. Where in the world did this come from? How did I get here? What in the world is that? I had come to a great block with symbols on it. Oh I get it, I?m suppose to do something here aren?t I. Putting my hand on it I let my mind go and focus all three powers into the stone. Feeling a rumble I step back and the stone crumbles. Stepping through I pull out the Stag Cutlery and walk into the darkness. Somewhere I come to a stream inside the cave. I see the shrooms in this part of the cave have a strange glow to them, lighting the cave where there was no light. As I follow the stream, I hear a soft angelic voice. Putting my saber away I follow the voice till the cave widens into a beautiful garden. I look around and I can see flowers of all kinds blooming and butterflies fluttering about. Looking to my right I see a huge pillar and a young woman sitting there, singing. Smiling, I approach her and I see that her hair is blonde and I begin to wonder. Stopping her singing, she turns around, smiling at me with those beautiful blue eyes. Gasping I almost fall over. It?s you; it?s really you, but, but how. I thought that when you left me, you weren't coming back to me.
"Tell me, what is troubling you."
Looking down at my hand I look up at her and she jumps up in surprise.
"Oh my! That?s horrible, here let me help."
She gently takes my hand in hers. A feel a soft tingling at the palm of my hand and I see a soft glow around her. Letting go of my hand she puts one on my shoulder and jerk away in surprise. What did she do to me, that?s unnatural the way she healed me, even for a her.
"Please tell me what is troubling you. I will help you if I can."
"To be honest you're my problem."
"I am? Well please tell me how I?m the problem."
Looking up at the blue sky, I begin to remember everything so vivid, so clear.
"In the morning light, after waking half asleep, have you ever lain there thinking, was it all a dream? You reach out and she's there, every moment everywhere. Have you ever been in love? Have you ever felt, how far a heart can fall? Have you ever stayed up waiting for a telephone call? Just to hear her say hello, because you miss each other so. Have there been times in your life; times you really wanted to cry. Finding reasons to believe her, cause you'll die a little if she lied. When in times of doubt, have you ever tried to work it out? But still she left you wonder'n what it?s all about. When she's far away have you ever felt the need to stray? Tried and discovered, it just doesn?t pay, because with her you can be true, and with her you can be you. When the nights come down, can you call your house a home? Do you dream you're still together, and you wake up feeling alone? Have you ever been in love, the way that I?m in love? Have you ever been in love? In love with somebody you thought that would never love you for who you are."
Looking up at her I could see a twinkle in her eyes. Putting a hand on my cheek she looked at me with those big blue eyes.
"It?s okay to feel that way, after all I did hurt you and I?m sorry for that can you forgive me."
"I? I don?t know what to say."
Embracing me in a hug, I looked at the huge pillar, realizing there was too much blue for this to be in a cave. Shoving her away I looked at her.
"Who are you? Your not who I think you are. I don?t know what you are but I don?t like it."
"It?s okay to be scared. I know I seem so forgiving but that?s because I know how much I hurt you. I never meant to hurt you."
She takes a step toward me putting a hand on my cheek.
"Nooooooooo! Your not her so get away from me!"
"You fool!"
Throwing me like a rag doll, I land near the entrance. Pulling my saber out, I watch as things change rather quickly. Huge whirling discs come out of the floor and slowly spin towards me. I begin attacking the discs as they speed up and begin coming at me. Hysterical laughter is heard and I fight even harder.
"Who or what you, your not the jewel of my eye, where is she?"
Shimmering in a red glow, the old man comes into view laughing.
"I almost had you, you idiot. I knew your one weakness and I almost had you. I need your Soul to free me from this prison."
Laughing, he starts chanting as the deadly discs start disappearing, Enraged at such trickery, I run towards Delocrox when a dark cloud explodes at his feet, wrapping him in darkness. Watching I step back as a massive creature appears. With the head of mighty dragons at his feet sitting upon its throne, it twirls at me slowly. Anger still boiling in my blood I attack the first head with my stag cutlery. Eyes glowing it opens it?s mouth and begins shooting out spinning discs. Focusing, I unleash a mighty circle of lightning around me, killing the discs and the head. Howling in fury, the Creature falls over the side of the cliff. That was easier than I thought it would be. Turning, I head towards the entrance when a mighty rumble throws me back towards the middle of the cave, causing the walkway to crumble. Oh great, now what? Turning, I see the creature sitting on his throne moving slowly around the outside of the platform. I begin to chase the creature and it suddenly stops. I begin hitting the creature when huge explosions erupt around me. I hear a soft tinkling noise underneath me and I jump out of the way as the earth where I stood turns to ice. This might be harder than I thought it would be. Pausing for a second I focus all my energy to the throne at which the creature was sitting upon. Eyes rolling in the back of my head I throw both hands in front of me casting Rafoie. Collapsing in a heap from the spell, I watch as the explosion rocks the creature forward. Rolling out of the way as it falls with a mighty crash, I sigh a breath of relief. It?s finally over Dark Fals is no more. Suddenly my head explodes in pain as I am thrown into the sky. Sitting up I see that I am on an insignia that is in the "sky? looking up I see beams of light coming down on me, rolling away I jump to my feet and attempt to attack this vile creature. Out of nowhere, a beam hits me and I feel light headed. Swinging my saber, I attack the creature. At the first slice I feel weak and at the second, blood spurts from my shoulder where the arrow was. Nooooooooo, not now. This can?t be happening to me now! Laughing, the creature soars higher and throws light beams at me. Barely being able to dodge them I feel as if I can?t make it anymore. Suddenly the weakness was gone and I attack furiously. Pausing for a second, it reaches for me and I explode in a flash of light. Well that?s always good. I get this far and forget that even this thing can cast grants. Wait, I?m still thinking, am I dead. A ray of light flashes before my eyes and I?m standing back on the insignia. Forgot I had that scape doll. Turning, I let loose another Rafoie and dodge the mighty arms of the creature. Collapsing in a heap it disappears in the sky. Well that?s just great, how am I supposed to get down from here, fly? I should have thought of this before I turned my back on this vile creature. Seeing something out of the corner of my eye, I turn only to be blasted off the insignia. I go through all that trouble to kill this stupid thing and now look at me; some bozo with pistol takes me out. I wonder what my luck will be next. Pausing for a second, I realize that I?m not falling but floating to the ground. A form appears and it?s her!
"Is it, is it really you?"
"Thanks to you, I?m free from Dark Fals."
"Well what would any other guy to for a girl that?s I trouble, besides, I?m too nice for my own good. By the way, did you hear at all what I said about... ever mind"
"Actually I did hear it and if it wasn't for your desire to overcome the obstacles in your own life then you would have never made it to me."
"Well that?s good to hear but hey, am I like ever gonna get down from here I?m starting to get sick from all this floating."
Her angelic face brightened as she started to laugh, I laughed too though because I knew that I was done.
"You know what you have to do hero, you must embrace what you love and fear the most. For you to live happily with her."
"Her? Wait aren't you her?"
"No this is just to make sure that you can make it to the ground safely and calmly so you can move on with your life. She will never love you unless you tell her how you feel on what she did to you. You must go now and tell her."
"But I don?t know where she is, I?ve looked for her everywhere I can?t find her. Can you help me... Umm what?s your name."
?Rico. Red Ring Rico.?
?Yeah whatever, can you help me Rico??
"Open your heart and you will find the way. She is waiting for you hero, go to her."
Feeling my feet touch the ground, I walk over to the entrance. Carefully picking my away across the thin walkway, I walk into the darkness. Opening my eyes in the brightness I see that I am not too far away from my house. At least I know what I?m supposed to do, sort of. I know, I?ll write her a little something for the next time I see her. Then again, what am I going to write? She told me to open my heart so I guess I'll try it:
I know this girl
And ya know, she rocks my world
She's pretty and smart
Well I guess I know where to start
She's special to me for so many reasons
For one it doesn't matter the season
She always looks great
And that humor, it's an excellent trait
I just love to see her smile
And I'll admit it's been awhile
Since I sat down and thought about it
And I about threw fit
On the day I went to ask you
Ask you if it could be true
If you would go out with me
So I'll be honest and I'll ask you when I'm free
As a matter of fact, why not look at me at this time
So I can ask you if you will be mine
Toby

Hikara
Feb 20, 2004, 09:30 AM
Double space between paragraphs, and..... don't make this a poll. People'll reply soon enough with their own comments. It's good so far, so just fix the paragraph problem.

Chaos_Phoenix
Feb 20, 2004, 09:33 AM
Yeah, what Hikara said. But, it's a good story nonetheless. Keep up the good work http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif

mr_rubbish
Feb 20, 2004, 12:57 PM
Okay... Please don't think I'm being harsh on you but....


First off, the good news. You seem to be technically competent, the surreal effect for the dream sequences are done reasonably well. With the right training eventually you will become a jedi. However...

1. Read through Kafka's fan-fic tutorial (http://www.pso-world.com/viewtopic.php?topic=71031&forum=12&23) There is lots of useful information in there.

2. Whitespace. You need more of it. You will probably find that your post gets lots of views but not as many replies. Some people will immediately see a solid block of text and be put off. If it is not easy to read people will be less inclined to read it. Break the paragraphs up into smaller paragraphs.

3. Check your post. Don't just post the story and leave, double check or at least use the preview button. It will also mean you can catch MS Word's habit of converting " and ' into ?

4. The story should have been divided into 4 or 5 chapters, padded out with some more descriptions.

5. Strange inconsistancies. The fight scene at the station (1st dream sequence), DelSabers using sticks? Another example is the lead character's ignorance of Ragol.


"Where is Ragol? I?ve never heard of it."
?unless..."
"Unless what, I'm destined to be here. I?ve heard that one before and I know what you're talking about. I?ve already beaten Vol opt so you can just bite me."

He does not question the 'Ruins', 'Dark Falz' or 'Pioneer Two' and claims to have defeated 'Vol Opt'. Since these things were not mentioned in one of the dream sequences, then where is he?

6. Plot is used just to drive the fight scenes. Strange things happen for seemingly no reason. The 'evil dog' is destroyed by a flaming sword from nowhere that ends up in a tree. Lead character turns into an angel spontaneously (it seems like the sword transformed him) yet the sword attacks him. A RAmar knocks him unconscious where he fights Flaz in the 'Dreamworld' (and defeats him with consumate ease) and the story ends without him returning to the realworld.


7. First-person perspective is difficult to do properly for an entire story. Try switching to third-person where ever possible.

(I'm not a real big fan of stories written in present tense either but that is just personal preference and not a criticism.)


There were some other points but I have forgotten them now http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_frown.gif

HOWEVER... Do not be discouraged. You have the makings of a good writer.



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: mr_rubbish on 2004-02-20 13:33 ]</font>

Hikosaka
Feb 20, 2004, 08:52 PM
Yeah, this really shouldn't have been a poll. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif

Otherwise, I agree with what people have said before. You've got potential, but just have a few technical issues to work out. Keep at it.

cajun
Feb 20, 2004, 10:27 PM
This i a good fic i haven't read it all cause im kinda tired and its a little to much together which is what everyone has said, one thing i noticed is that with everything happening he seems to accept it right away like right after he gets his wings he can already fly with them, just a thought that you might want to change that a little i dunno

Darkchyld
Feb 20, 2004, 11:02 PM
okay okay, to error is to be human. i knew there was somethings wrong with it but i didn't see them all. i guessed i kinda rushed things but my next one will better. after all that was my third story and if you think that one was kinda off, imagine my other two. just let me get the hang of things. i've not played PSO in awhile and i'm a little rusty on the details, and besides i thought that the delsabers used busters but i wasn't sure. i shoulda went with my first instinct but yea, thanks for all your posts. you have no idea how much i appreciate a good critic