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View Full Version : FanFic: Mission02 The Mines (Short story)(=@-@=)



monkeyking
Feb 22, 2004, 07:10 PM
It was Monkeykings 300th mission and he was having a bad day. For starters he had to baby sit little Ash(newbee of the year), another Hunter like himself.
Getting on with the mission down on Ragul, 20parsecs later from mission start.
As impatient as Monkeyking is when teaming up with lesser Hunters,
"Damn rookie..."he mutters under his breath.
He then yells out to Ash with some annoyance.

"Come on Ash, what's taking so long?"

"I'm ah commin' Monkeykin'!"
Ash answers (in his southern accent).

"Good. 'cause this mission ain't goin' to be easy squirt!"
Monkeyking knew this was his second mission, but wasn't about to give him an easy ride. Catching up to Monkeyking's position, he pauses and asks a question in a soft weakened voice.

"Monkeykin'. wha's behind them doors?"

"The hell I know! This is all new to me, and I've come down this way 3 or 4 times before."
Monkeyking was a little bewildered by the new passage way, kind of thrown off completely as if he was now the newbee. He could feel something strange was now going on, as this wasn't in the mission breifing, but now understood why he was sent on a standard rookie mission baby sitting. Monkeyking makes a short speech in his stern heroic voice.

"Ash I want you to listen up, an' listen good. You can either go back now and enjoy the comfort of watching your 3d imaging screen at home drinking som' kinda sodapop watchin' the funnies, or go to the next level through these doors with me? Like a real Hunter."
Ash's eyes roll up and makes an audible gulp.He starts to pant heavily. Monkeyking tries to calm him in his kickass sort of way.

"Get a grip son! Your a Hunter, not a Ranger!"
Summoning the courage Ash gives his answer.

"Yes'm sir! I'm ah Hunter! I'm brave enuff t'walk through them big old doors. I'ain't like them scaredy Ranger types, no sirree."
Nodding, Monkeyking breaks the computer locking system on the locked doors. He knows to expect the worse but keeps his cool.

HISSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH
A hissing is made from the opening doors.

"Its pitch black in there. Make sure you got your double saber ready. I'm going in first, I'll switch the lighting in the room. Don't panic whatever happens. This shouldn't take too long."
Monkeyking steps in and vanishes in the shadows. Soon even the sounds of foot prints are faded out.
Ash sighs with relief that there isn't an instant threat needing to be dealt with and quitely waits for Monkeyking.
5 parsecs past and Ash starts to shake ever so slightly. Thinking to himself why he hadn't heard anything yet? He's both excited and nervous at the anticipation of whats installed. Squinting his eyes to see movement. Ash sees something or someone moving in the shadows. Its moving at such an erratic pace. Ash calls out.

"Monkeykin' is dat you?"
There's no reply. That something, is getting closser and closer.
Ash's intensity increases he feel's the butterflies in his stomach and then a rush of adrenaline. Not knowing what to do he rushes in twirling his double edge saber using his battle cry to put fear in the enemy.

"Yarghh!!!"
...
<to be continued (=@-@=)lol.>

mr_rubbish
Feb 23, 2004, 07:20 AM
Since you're my brother I'm going to go hard on you... It's only fair http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_evil.gif

First off the good news... Overall your story was better than I had expected. Well done! You found that 'hook' that makes me interested in the next chapter.

I do know what is going to happen in the next chapter though. Ash slices and dices the grizzled veteran into bite-sized cubes!


However...

Grammatical issues abound. The primary one is that you chop and change between past and present tense. It can be done but not in the same scene for example.
Pick one and stick with it. I would recommend past tense since it's more "professional" but then again stick with what you are most comfortable.

The other thing that bugs me is some of the language used is very awkward.
Example:

...he pauses and asks a question in a soft weakened voice.
Remind me to get you a thesaurus for christmas.

Finally, because of your remarks made about Rangers (I am a ranger myself) my lawyers will be filling a class action suite against you for defamation of character on behalf of the Ranger community.

Oh well...
Roll on chapter 2!

PS Bro, I don't know if you've had the chance but check out Navi's thread on digital art here (http://www.pso-world.com/viewtopic.php?topic=76459&forum=12&20).



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: mr_rubbish on 2004-02-23 04:23 ]</font>