April Showers:chapter 1

[FOAtHeart]

Me, a fanfic? wtf? oh well, thought i'd give it a shot. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif


Rayne stared at her clock. "Ugh..4:00 A.M and I'm still awake? Might as well draw.."
Rayne grabbed her brushes and filled a cup of water. "Hm...some red, blue...ah! Yeah, this is good!" Rayne smiled to herself. "I think I'll finish that later...hm...maybe some T.V? I'll keep it down so I don't wake Angel." Rayne switched on her television and began to watch. "Nothing's on! Ooh! Music videos!" Rayne began to dance to 'Toxic'. "Hello?" Rayne turned around. "Angel?" "Hi...blegh..."
Rayne was embarrassed. "Did I wake you?" "No," the brown haired Hunewearl turned to the kitchen, "just hungry." Rayne watched as her roommate looked through the cabinets. "There's nothing here!" Angel sat. "Oh...I'm hungry!" She began to pout. "Angel, it's fine. We can eat potato chips and watch MTV. It'll be great!" "Okay...." "Oh yay! 'This Love' is on!" Angel smiled. "This is my song!"






<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: FOAtHeart on 2004-04-02 21:24 ]</font>

[Solstis]

Eh?

That phrase alone describes my reaction to reading that.

Eh?

[FOAtHeart]

On 2004-04-02 21:40, Solstis wrote:
Eh?

That phrase alone describes my reaction to reading that.

Eh?



http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_disapprove.gif I have been Eh?'ed to death.

[Solstis]

Er... what kind of response are you looking for?

A wee bit too short, I guess (i get that a lot) in order for me to really "feel" the author behind the words.

Or something.

So... eh.

[FOAtHeart]

On 2004-04-02 21:49, Solstis wrote:
Er... what kind of response are you looking for?

A wee bit too short, I guess (i get that a lot) in order for me to really "feel" the author behind the words.

Or something.

So... eh.




It was quite short, but I was waiting for Mom to get home with Taco Bell food, kinda just wrote a paragraph. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif

Also, I'm looking for some critisisms, I've been told before that my writing lacks 'substance'


...........

Eh... http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_disapprove.gif

[Sord]

erm...i really wanna fix that thing, which can be considered a fact that it could use some work. Basically here it's... tell you what, I'll copy past it and make what i see could be corrections and PM it to you

[Sayara]

Weelll I'll be Blunt, It needs work >>;

Its kinda hard to read, since theres really no paragraphs at all!

Whenever someone begins to talk before going "he said," Needs a New Paragraph.

[Example - Tingle tripped over a box and hit the cold metallic floor.

"Hey, You ok?" Usada asked, concerned...]
Other than that its a bit small on the detail. I assume if you had time to sit and write the story (And not waiting for Food http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/anime1.gif) It'll seem more complete...

Anyways! Way to Go! Keep At It! http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/anime1.gif


________
Vapour Genie Reviews (http://vaporizers.net)

[Garanz2]

Hmm...not meaning to bitch, but what exactly is the point, plot, if you will, of the story?

[FOAtHeart]

On 2004-04-03 03:58, Garanz2 wrote:
Hmm...not meaning to bitch, but what exactly is the point, plot, if you will, of the story?



i'll work up to it http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wink.gif

[Sagasu]

*sighs*

Okay, lets get one thing straight...

A fan-fic isn't something you just sit down and write with your few minutes of free time. Good ones that is. Though I don't boast hours of planning, I at least think of what I want to accomplish by the chapters end, but then no further planning is done http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif

So right, erm.. Lets get started..



On 2004-04-02 21:18, FOAtHeart wrote:
Me, a fanfic? wtf? oh well, thought i'd give it a shot. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif


Rayne stared at her clock. "Ugh..4:00 A.M and I'm still awake? Might as well draw.."

You've started this quite abruptly, with no descriptions besides that its 4:00 pm. The reader has no clue where she is, assuming her room most likely. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif But we are not told anything about it in any form or fashion...


Rayne grabbed her brushes and filled a cup of water. "Hm...some red, blue...ah! Yeah, this is good!" Rayne smiled to herself.

Right, we also have no clue where rayne is http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_dead.gif So it is awkward to say that she just grabbed some brushes...

(not that we're told where they come from (jar, containet etc..) but apparently she just grabbed them from the air http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/anime2.gif )

Same thing goes for the cup of water,

You may have everything pictured in your mind, but you still have to paint the image in words for us readers...

And is it just me, or does she talk to herself alot?



"I think I'll finish that later...hm...maybe some T.V? I'll keep it down so I don't wake Angel." Rayne switched on her television and began to watch. "Nothing's on! Ooh! Music videos!" Rayne began to dance to 'Toxic'. "Hello?" Rayne turned around. "Angel?" "Hi...blegh..."

If you ignore that she still is talking to herself jumbling things together, you notice this. MTV will most likely be long since gone in the far future http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif

Toxic will be thousands of years old, etc...



Rayne was embarrassed. "Did I wake you?" "No," the brown haired Hunewearl turned to the kitchen, "just hungry." Rayne watched as her roommate looked through the cabinets. "There's nothing here!" Angel sat. "Oh...I'm hungry!" She began to pout. "Angel, it's fine. We can eat potato chips and watch MTV. It'll be great!" "Okay...." "Oh yay! 'This Love' is on!" Angel smiled. "This is my song!"

More jumbled words..

Make sure to add the she said, rayne questioned, Angel replied, etc. to avoid confusion.

More old songs http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_nono.gif

________

Right, I don't want to go on forever, though I prolly could http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif I'll leave you to think and edit.




<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: FOAtHeart on 2004-04-02 21:24 ]</font>
[/quote]

[Gam]

well, it's kinda funny, but i think you should stick to the pencil. or you should practise some more on writing stories, cuz writing is an other art.
i'm looking forward to your new drawings!! -^.^-