Preview to "Endless Night."

[EndlessNight]

I actually made that name like that so I could introduce the PSO story I've been working on. However, I'm not satisfied with where it has gone so far. It's just not my best. I'm posting just a couple of paragraphs, some of the better part of the work. Give me some responses, I need to know if I should post the full chapter or not.

-----------------------------------------

Preview of Chapter 1: "A New Definition of Hell"

"Will you hurry the hell up, we don't have much time here..."

The Hunter growled as he looked over his shoulder to the female Android there. This was taking far too long. Perhaps the security was too strong. For an Android, however? One that was advanced almost to the point of being a bio-android? This shouldn't be taking this long. The Hunter shook his head, short silver hair flailing a bit, then gripped his partisan's staff tightly. If anyone came by, they were both dead. He looked back to the Android. Unmoving and soundless, except for the sounds of the data processing.

Well, at least no one had came by yet.

The Hunter plastered himself tightly against the back wall of the room, and peeked around the corner. Nothing to either side. They could move now, if...

"Done. I've got the data."

"Just in time too, good work."

The female Android began to nod, then stopped. A slight whirring was heard, then suddenly, in a burst of speed only an Android can produce, she lifted her needle from the corner, gripping it tightly and arming it.

"I've got two lifeforms on radar, both biological in nature, I think one is a Newman, the other is human. Approaching this corridor, they will pass here in fifteen seconds."

"Damn it to hell... can you send the data from here?"

"Already did it."

The Hunter smiled at that. If they died here, at least that data was in the right place. The Hunter switched to the other side of the room, sliding against the opposite side of the doorway. If only you could close these damned openings, he said with a bitter laugh. The Android cocked her head a bit, but then, the sound of a hard boot tapping on the ground echoed throughout the hallway. The Android's running sounds instantly shut off, muffled by some internal device or something. The Hunter, however, looked to the Android. His lips curled into a small smirk, then opened, a final parting comment before they both leapt into battle.

"You still owe me that drink. I'm not dying until I get it."

[DezoPenguin]

I'd read the first chapter. Snappy closing lines always make for good teasers. Plus I'm a sucker for anything with computer hacking, obscure data retrieval, and nasty conspiracies (indeed, my own current fic uses those themes ^_^). Mostly, though, you have me interested in learning where that android comes from and why she's specially advanced. That sounds like a plot point to me.

[KaFKa]

there is a serious lack of detail in this prolouge. the characters dont live in a vacuum, both figuratively and realistically. where are they? are they in a moldy old ruin? a windswept desert? on poineer 4!? come on now, i got a good idea of what the characters were doing, but i didnt see what they looked like, didnt hear what they sounded like, and have no clue as to what their surroundings are.

other than that, though, this reminds me of an old anime. *shrug* hope chapter one is better than this

[EndlessNight]

If it were a prologue, then yes I'd agree. It's not, however. It's a small cut from the story I'm writing. The full story has actual detail, rather than just this. This is just a small preview. You don't get the full story of a movie from a trailer, you know.

Regardless. Any other opinions?

[KaFKa]

On 2004-04-16 12:38, EndlessNight wrote:
If it were a prologue, then yes I'd agree. It's not, however. It's a small cut from the story I'm writing. The full story has actual detail, rather than just this. This is just a small preview.


stop kidding yourself. a preview has the BEST parts, not some half-baked semblance of a chapter. prolouges should be used, not "previews" either post a chapter or dont, this is just apalling.

[DezoPenguin]

On 2004-04-16 14:13, KaFKa wrote:


On 2004-04-16 12:38, EndlessNight wrote:
If it were a prologue, then yes I'd agree. It's not, however. It's a small cut from the story I'm writing. The full story has actual detail, rather than just this. This is just a small preview.


stop kidding yourself. a preview has the BEST parts, not some half-baked semblance of a chapter. prolouges should be used, not "previews" either post a chapter or dont, this is just apalling.



Damn, man, that's harsh. "Half-baked semblance"? "Appalling"? Not too often a piece of writing gets a response like that around here, from what I've seen. And it's not like there was any question of the poster's original intention. It was a preview--not a prologue, not a full chapter. Just a teaser.

There are two characters in a tense situation. Who are they? What are they doing? Why are they doing it? The whole point of a teaser is to have those questions come to mind. If we read through it and care about getting those answers, then it's done its job as a preview. Are we given paragraphs of explanation of setting, characters, and background? No--that's presumably what's included in the full text of the chapter. If that chapter gets posted and you still have the same complaints about what's going on then yeah, you have a point. But this snippet isn't a full chapter; it's not even a full scene from a chapter, not even one page long. It caught my attention, and the writer's command of grammar and spelling didn't disgust me the way fanfiction writing so often does.

Admittedly, I can't say I like the "Tell me if you like this and maybe I'll post more" tone of the original post. Ultimately, writing ought to be about the author's desire to write. Still, it's a valid question--if the author means it not as "Pander to my fragile ego if you want to see my work!" but as "I want to know if it's worth me spending my time and energy presenting this work into this forum, or if you'd rather I not bother and save us both the trouble." I don't know this poster, so I can't say--maybe you do and therefore can?

[RaMarJay]

EndlessNight you had my attention, i was getting into it. Id like to hear more of the story. If you don't post it here could you at least post it at future so i can read it?

[EndlessNight]

Well, yeah, I wanted to see if I should really post it here. I mean, it was meant kinda as a teaser, a preview of what I could do. If people didn't respond well to it, I'd nod, accept, and move on. So far, I've seen some good responses. Everyone has their critics, and so do I. Admittedly, "A New Definition," being the first chapter (and the only one I've solidly written), has a few edits to do. Mostly in the way of Nekomi, the female Android, who is an actual person online whose permission I have to use her character. I don't have a solid grasp of her character however, so this is just a general oversight of what I've seen in battle with her. As for the human Hunter, that's my character, Kusanagi Hayate, just called Kusanagi (or Nagi, in the case of one FOmar). Originally, I was going to have that android be Rico, but since a true character of Red Ring Rico is never completely established in game, even through the many communication relays she leaves, that idea slowly sank. As for what is happening...

The story begins three weeks before the explosion in Episode I. Kusanagi and Nekomi are Pioneer 1 Hunters. Recently, rumors have begun spreading about a military squadron who went into the wilds of Ragol, fully armed for combat, and not one of them returned. Both Hunters are a bit confused about this, and Kusanagi, at the least, is extremely suspicious. Both make a move, heading into a military facility. Once there, they begin to filter through the files, Nekomi processing and checking them, while Kusanagi stands guard. That's where that teaser begins. From there on out, I introduce a couple more characters, namely those two characters who Nekomi picked up on radar. Of course, a battle scene is coming up as soon as that scene is over. From there... well, I've given enough of the first chapter. If you'll all just give me a bit of time to reedit my work, I'll be glad to post it here.

Thanks for the reviews, both good and ill. As much as it did bother me, sometimes a bad review can produce a good work.

I hope...



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: EndlessNight on 2004-04-17 12:18 ]</font>

[velvetglamor]

The greatest writers get both good and bad feedback. I just take things as is comes with my writing. Just because one person doesn't like it doesn't mean you should fold up and get mad. It just means that person didn't like it and you askd for opinions so the person was just giving theirs. Ok, so I didn't really like the way the person SAID what they had to say, but still, it's just one person.
No matter where you post you will always get negative responses, but sometimes that can work for you. Curiosity often will provoke people to go "he doesn't like it? I want to see why..."
And often, people end up having a complete different view than the other person.
I mean, you know my writing Kus, and you know that it's pretty good. (I'm not bragging, but that's what I'm told) I ALWAYS get people saying "Oh that sucked". Sometimes I might agree. I'm used to having my work picked at by more experienced writers and believe me it's a bit harsher sometimes than what is posted here. I was over sensitive about it at first, I admit, but now it's just one of those things. I've even gotten to the point where I argue with the people who criticize my pieces if I feel strong enough about it.
All writers go through it. Even the best of the best.
The attitude you should have is that you're going to post it all here and if people like it, that's great and if they don't, then that's just as well. What really matters is that YOU like it and if you do like it...then what others say really shouldn't matter at all.